(swirling a snifter of brandy, considering the infinite possibilities of the human existence): I guess I'll make some picks

Auburn @ Mizzou -4.5: Officially done 

South Carolina @ Oklahoma -3: You can throw out the records when these two historic rivals meet on the gridiron. 

Alabama - 3 @ Tennessee: two teams with lots of talent but also Problems

TAMU @ Mississippi St. +15.5: I was picking too many favorites.

LSU -2.5 @ Arkansas: Friend, do not fool yourself into thinking Arkansas is even decent.

Ball St. @ Vanderbilt -26: if this was about me, it would be a Balding State

Georgia @ Texas -3.5: It would be cool if the SEC brought in Texas and Oklahoma exclusively for ad dollars, but then the sports media market collapsed and Texas won 8 of the next ten conference titles.

Kentucky -1 @ Florida: whatever

Idiot Alert!

Auburn +4.5

Oklahoma -3

Alabama -3

TAMU -15.5

Arkansas +2.5

Ball St. +26

Georgia +3.5

Florida +1

Oh that? That's nothing... just the largest lead in the history of the pick off.

Charlie Cruise Ship: 5-2 (38-24)

Captain Dingy: 3-4 (27-35)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Auburn @ Mizzou -4.5

South Carolina @ Oklahoma -3

Alabama - 3 @ Tennessee

TAMU -15.5 @ Mississippi St.

LSU -2.5 @ Arkansas

Ball St. @ Vanderbilt -26

Georgia @ Texas -3.5

Kentucky -1 @ Florida

insert distasteful Hurricane Milton joke here

South Carolina +21 @ Alabama: I don't think them Cocks is gonna win, but Alabama might have some issues on defense [smash cut to Alabama's 51-3 victory]

Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass: classic SEC match up

Texas -15 vs Oklahoma: [Collective Soul voice:] (that's where Red River goes)

Mississippi St. +34 @ Georgia: seems like a lot

Florida @ Tennessee -15.5: Leaning into the "bounce back game" narrative

Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU: seems that if LSU couldn't win last year with Video Game Numbers Jayden Daniels, they won't win now, right? 

Vanderbilt +14 @ Kentucky: My thinking: this will either be a close Kentucky win/Vanderbilt win or an even bigger blowout than two touchdowns--either what Vandy is doing works or it doesn't.

Toot toot (boat sound)! It's week seven picks!

Alabama -21

Mizzou -27.5

Oklahoma +15

Georgia -34

Tennessee -15.5

LSU +3.5

Vanderbilt +14

Week Seven (as in.. the seven seas!)

An Actual Captain of a Ship: 3-3 (33-22)

Tha Captain: 2-4 (24-31)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are the seven seas:

Gulf of Mexico - South Carolina @ Alabama -21

Boston Harbor - Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass

Red Sea (that's where the Red River goes) - Texas -15 vs Oklahoma

Mobile Bay - Mississippi St. @ Georgia -34

Tampa Bay (RIP) - Florida @ Tennessee -15.5

The Bayou - Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU

Kroger Field - Vanderbilt @ Kentucky -14 (this feels disrespectful?)

Let's all meet at the Pink Pony Club to celebrate tonight's events

Congatulations to Vanderbilt, for beating Alabama for the first time since 1886, and to Auburn, to being a whore-hungry tire fire of a program.

Week Six wow season's really flying by huh

Mizzou @ TAMU -2: Let's see how stupid I am here. My initial impulse was, of course, Missouri is the better team. But when I looked at the schedules, I thought, well maybe not. Now I changed my pick. Am I moron? Time will tell.

Auburn +24 @ Georgia -24: Can't imagine how Auburn will conspire to lose this one in a fascinating and heartbreaking way. Wacky special teams and game delays are still in the mix, but a late-90s style beatdown from a superior East Division team is a good option too. 

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina: no idea about either one of these teams

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt: nah

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas: Pittman's last game??

UCF @ Florida +2.5: This is my "glad if I'm wrong" pick

oooh ah ah ah ah

Mizzou +2

Auburn +24

Old Mist -9.5

Alabama -23

Tennessee -13.5

Florida +2.5

what is the sound of one butt farting

it sounds like a fart, sis

Dr. Farts: 4-2 (30-19)

Mr. Farts: 5-1 (22-27)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mizzou @ TAMU -2

Auburn @ Georgia -24

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt It's cool that both Auburn and Alabama play their second biggest rivals this week.

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas

UCF -2.5 lol @ Florida

Oh no i forgot to do my pix

just kidding!

Old Mist -17.5

TAMU -3.5

Oklahoma -2.5

Mississippi St. + 38.5

Alabama +2

LSU -21.5

I am also hosting from Jerry World

Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5: Kentucky has proven me wrong (sort of) already this season, but this doesn't seem like the kind of game in which they can prosper. 

Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5: I'm glad they play this game in Dallas, in a soulless corporate stadium

Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn: Several contradictory thoughts: I think this is a 50-50 game, and there is no way Auburn is going to win, and I am also surprised Oklahoma is not a bigger favorite.

Mississippi St. +38.5 @ Texas: Texas .... good??? 

Georgia @ Alabama +2: I hate this.

South Alabama +21.5 @ LSU: Jaguars baby, rawr

Week Five wow season's really flying by huh

Something Good: 5-5 (26-17)

Something Related But Much Worse: 6-4 (17-26)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5

Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5

Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn

Mississippi St. @ Texas -38.5

Georgia -2 @ Alabama

South Alabama @ LSU -21.5

Do you guys want to hear a crazy story?

So, my building has entrances on - get this - four different floors. Isn't that wild? How, you say? Well it's a combination of stairs and the natural topography of the coastal plain as it slopes toward the Alabama river.

Florida -5.5 

Kentucky -20

Auburn -3

UCLA +24.5

Mizzou - 20.5

Oklahoma +7

TAMU -23

South Carolina -27.5

Old Mist -36

Texas -44.5

At least we're getting a little bit into conference games now

Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.: mmmm hmmm baby that's the stuff. We are looking at a The Most Fired Coach in America special. I think Florida is better than MSU, but if they lose this game, it's a Lane-on-the-tarmac situation.

Ohio + 20 @ Kentucky: Stoops should have been fired for punting at the end of the UGA game.

Arkansas @ Auburn -3: Obviously we never pick against our awful pervert and murderer coaching staff, but Arkansas is going to win this game. 

UCLA +24.5 @ LSU: Too many initials here. Am I watching a football game or New Deal legislation? 

Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5: It Just Means More

Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma: cool 

Bowling Green @ TAMU -23: BG almost beating Penn State means that TAMU will take them more seriously, right?  

Akron @ South Carolina -27.5: Akron has not had an Inspiring Season so far. South Carolina had a win stolen from them against LSU. 

Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36: yuck 

Louisiana-Monroe +44.5 @ Texas: They should go to ten conference games a season.

P.U.

I was hopeful that this was the first time anyone has had a 10 game lead at the end of a week, but alas, I had a 10 game lead after week 9 last year. 

It's impressive that you have built this after three weeks. I'm excited to see where you go from here! Previously, the largest lead after three weeks was 5 games by me in 2019. That year you clawed your way back (you had a 3 game lead by week 11!) but I won in a tiebreaker.

How Ground Coffee Smells: 10-3 (21-12)

How Brewed Coffee Tastes: 5-8 (11-22)

---------------------------------

Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.

Ohio @ Kentucky -20

Arkansas @ Auburn -3

UCLA @ LSU -24.5

Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5

Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma

Bowling Green @ TAMU -23

Akron @ South Carolina -27.5

Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36

Louisiana-Monroe @ Texas -44.5

I have started to text Tha Captain that he put the wrong lines up at least twice this season

Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin: can't bring myself to care

LSU @ South Care of Lina (+7): baby you know we click clackin

Busty College @ Mizzou (-17): another classic SEC-ACC match up / alt: when do classes start???

Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14): One of these teams deserved an SEC invite, and it wasn't Oklahomer. [The almost-sent-in-error text this week started out something like, "Wishful thinking on Tulane's conference affiliation there buddy".]

TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da: both of these teams have lost my Incoherent Quip privileges for the time being

UAB (+24.5) @ Arkansas: blazers!!

Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest: How many of these do I have to pick? It just keeps going! 

UTSA @ UTA (-35): pretty good. pret-ty good.

Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.: Vanderbilt will beat Auburn 

Georgia @ Kentucky (+24): Not sure this season that Kentucky has even the above-replacement-level mediocrity we've all come to hate about the Stoops coaching tenure.

New Mexico @ Auburn (-28): wrong 

Toledo (+11.5) @ Miss of Sippi St.: I am 100% certain that this pick is the product of some stupid part of me still hoping that Auburn will be able to win at least one conference game this year. 

Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49): Tennessee might be good, like Real Good 

*way too close to microphone, muffled to the point of absurdity* time to make some picks

Wisconsin +16 who am i and what am i doing?

South Carolina +7 I saw a South Carolina fan wearing a hat that just said "Cocks" and I was like uh, buddy... who wants to tell him...

Busty College +17 In the 5 minutes since I typed this, I have forgotten who they are playing!

Oklahoma - 14 

Florida +4 

Arkansas -24.5 Trent Dilfer

Old Mist -23 

Regular Texas -35 Hug 'Em Horns

Vanderbilt -10.5

Georgia -24 Kroger Field

Auburn -28 haha

Mississippi St. -11.5 In this case, they will be Totrailo. Because they are going to have fewer points.

Kent St. +49 That is a lot of points. 

Whoops

I didn't put the records! Ack.

The Emperor from Star Wars: 6-4 (11-9)

The Emperor from Warhammer: 3-7 (6-14)

Ack.

week three wow season's really flying by huh

*shivers*

Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin

LSU (-7) @ South Care of Lina

Busty College @ Mizzou (-17)

Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14)

TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da

UAB @ Arkansas (-24.5)

Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest

UTSA @ UTA (-35)

Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.

Georgia (-24) @ Kentucky

New Mexico @ Auburn (-28)

Toledo @ Miss of Sippi St. (-11.5)

Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49)

Take my words and read 'em every day

Tha Captainz Week Two Pix: Very Special "No Sir... I Don't Like It" Edition

Michigan +7.5

Oklahoma St. -7.5

Cal +13

Kentucky -10

MTSU +41  So on the new cfb video game, I started a new guy who is a middle linebacker who signed with MTSU. Edison Grady and his teammates beat Old Mist 23-10 in this game. So, life imitates art, you know?

Alabama -31

Mizzou -34.5

NC St. +8

Oklahoma -30

Mississippi St. +6.5

Piggly Wiggly was trafficking poached ivory this morning

Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan: infuriating

Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5): ????

Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13): Arnold Schwarzenegger voice 

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10): The name's Field. Kroger Field. 

MTSU @ Old Mist (-41): filing this one under "O" for "ooof" 

USF @ Alabama (-31): Seems like USF should be unable to avoid being at least a decent football team, like it should just happen based on geography and such. But you'd think the same thing about regular Florida, and they look like a bunch of braindick morons out there. 

Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5): I'm picking all favorites, seems fine 

Tennessee (-8) v NC St.: Actually, yeah, let's pick all favorites.

Houston @ Oklahoma (-30): I thought Big Willie would be off to a better start, but getting pantsed by UNLV is not a good look. 

Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5): I actually think Mississippi State will cover and maybe win, but I feel committed to the bit. 

Week Two: Beanie Babies (Obviously)

The World's Beaniest Baby: 5-5 (5-5)

The World's 2nd Beaniest Baby: 3-7 (3-7)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan

Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5)

Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13)

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10)

MTSU @ Old Mist (-41)

USF @ Alabama (-31)

Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5)

Tennessee (-8) v NC St.

Houston @ Oklahoma (-30)

Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5)

[Theoden from The Lord of the Rings right before Helm's Deep voice]: let's do some picks I guess

Look at all those SEC pick off labels. In 2008, there's no way I thought I would still be alive to do picks in 2024, and now, I still don't believe it. 

Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5: Sure????

Clemson +13.5 v Georgia: Already letting emotions get in the way 

Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt: lol this sucks

Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5: SEC TITANS FACE OFF 

Miami (FL) @ Florida +2.5: The closest thing this week to a game I give one roasted cat turd about

Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21: yeah click clack 

WKU @ Alabama -31.5: ??? 

Notre Dame +3 @ TAMU: Two kinds of people who should not be allowed to vote, featured in this game: Texans and farmers. 

Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28: Would have been a cool game in 1995 

USC v LSU -4.5: actually this might be pretty good. I think LSU wins it pretty easy though 

THA CAPTAINZ WEEK ONE PIX: Very Special What is This Sport I'm Seeing, It's Alien and Discomforting Edition

 

Temple +42.5  That is a lot of points and Bobby Wallace has the Owls primed for a big year.

Georgia -13.5   Bowden Bowl!

Virginia Tech -13  Vandy needs to lose the zero (current coach) and get with a hero (Turner Gill).

Colorado St. + 32.5   Lotta horns here.

Florida +2.5   Miami will never again reach the dizzying heights of the Mark Richt era.

South Carolina -21   This weekend at my mom's birthday party, someone asked who the coach was at South Carolina and I said "Beamer Ball" and everyone just looked at me blankly. There were no follow up questions.

Alabama -31.5  No ma'am.

Notre Dame +3   Well, TAMU can do, but Notre Dame wins the game.

Southern Mist +28   Kroger Field.

LSU -4.5  Aaahh Gaaahrohnteee

OOOH BABY (Extra Special OOOH BABY Edition)

Why was there a spread for Eastern Kentucky @ Mississippi State? I had to look up if EKU had made the jump. Apparently not. Therefore... it ain't here, Chief. We live by a strict code 'round these parts.

Just make picks whenever! No {v} Nice Bookie {v}! We're very flexible and open to change 'round these parts!

Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5

Clemson v Georgia -13.5

Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt

Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5

Miami (FL) -2.5 @ Florida

Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21

WKU @ Alabama -31.5

Notre Dame @ TAMU -3

Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28

USC v LSU -4.5

three games

Had these lined up for a while, but it's been a busy time, so I don't remember if any of them are actually good.

1. Bases Loaded - hit it

2. City Blocks - merge things

3. Looper - it is a game called Looper

Who's your favorite musical doctor? Vote now or sound off in the comments

Xenophilia Musika June: nu mă, nu mă iei

Xenophilia Musika June: Und er lebte in der großen Stadt

Xenophilia Musika June: Du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

Xenophilia Musika June: Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja

Xenophilia Musika June: Oye cómo va Mi ritmo Bueno pa' gozar