Threads from Teh F0rUm as performed on stage

Bowling Alley. CHARLES and WEST sit at one lane. TEDWBROWN sits behind at an adjacent lane, reading.

CHARLES: My idea for a tragicomedy: on the night of 9/10/01, guy has first sexual experience in Tower 2, up against the glass window, leaving his drippings and soiled condoms etc all over the place. Next day, hilarity ensues when people ask, "Did you hear what happened at the World Trade Center?"

WEST: You disgust me. 9/11 should never be used for comedy, only for heavy-handed political pandering.

CHARLES: I think Giuliani's recent flame out shows that boat has long since sailed out.

WEST: And I think his flame ups have shown the ineffectiveness of Preparation H.

CHARLES sighs.

TEDWBROWN: (Without turning around) I agree with wes and the pandering.

WEST: On the other hand, pandering is such a human thing to do. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the panda.

CHARLES and WEST high five.

CHARLES: Nice. Because my politics fall fairly well into the "fringe" category, sometimes the websites I visit, even mainstream ones like Reason, have a lot of 9/11 truth movement types. It is a testament to the human spirit, and its ability to be foolish.

WEST: Because my sexual tastes fall fairly well into the "fringe" category, sometimes the websites I visit, even mainstream ones like freeones have a lot of blah blah blah. It's a testament to the human penis, and it's ability to be stuck into things.

CHARLES: I'm going to take that seriously and ask, what's fringe about your sexual tastes?

TEDWBROWN finally puts down his book and turns around, interested.

TEDWBROWN: I'm curious too.

WEST: Boobs, sticking dicks in pussies, stuff like that.

WEST makes vulgar hand gestures.

CHARLES: I was thinking scatalogical.

WEST: Gross.

TEDWBROWN: Way gross.

TEDWBROWN turns back around.

WEST: Gabe Gross.

ATTRACTIVE BLONDE walks by, wearing a t-shirt that says "I am at four lipsticks." CHARLES points.

CHARLES: I am at four lipsticks!

TEDWBROWN: Then you're not a pitbull.

WEST: You're a hockey mom.

CHARLES: How is a pitbull like a hockey mom? I've secretly filmed both of them urinating!

WEST: And Michael Vick has both of them buried in his back yard!

WEST and CHARLES high five. WEST exits, grabbing a bowling ball. TEDWBROWN continues to read.

CHARLES: Niiiiiiice. Speaking of black men, I'm still sticking with my original prediction of an Obama win, but not as large as I had expected.

TEDWBROWN: I agree with you. And I think it's ridiculous.

Reveal SCOTT who has been drunkenly sleeping out of sight next to TEDWBROWN.

SCOTT: OBAMA!!!

SCOTT groggily looks around. Hold for laughter/applause.

CHARLES: Scott, I have been trying to subtly disabuse ted of the notion that an Obama win will bring improvement or any meaningful change to America, and you aren't helping.

TEDWBROWN: Scott knows what's good for us.

TEDWBROWN pats SCOTT on the head. SCOTT smiles, eyes closed.

CHARLES: You might say he has the right prescription.

CHARLES winks in an exaggerated manner.

TEDWBROWN: The prescription is in my pants. BOOYAH!

TEDWBROWN points at his pants.

SCOTT: We learned in class today that voting for Obama will cure the common cold. Obama - he'll fix your shit.

SCOTT vomits and passes out.

TEDWBROWN: That's awesome.

TEDWBROWN shifts one seat away from SCOTT.

CHARLES: I don't know that I would trust a secret Muslim Kenyan to be my doctor. So, Scott, you're out.

TEDWBROWN: But you trust open Muslim Kenyans?

CHARLES: Well, if they're honest, yeah.

Scene.

Threads from Teh F0rUm as performed on stage

3E common room. Mid afternoon. RAWJERS, TEDWBROWN, and WEST sit on couches, loveseat. RAWJERS is playing Halo and seems barely interested in his surroundings. Enter CHARLES.

CHARLES: Ricardo Montalban, dead! We are a poorer nation.

WEST: Oh my God. I'm glad we watched STII:TWOK while we had the chance.

TEDWBROWN: And it's sad to think some people only know his name from a Burger King commercial.

CHARLES: I didn't even know he was in a BK commercial.

TEDWBROWN: Well I'd show you guys, but I can't find it. The one with two lions talking about rolling their r's.

CHARLES: That sounds silly. I'm glad you couldn't find it. Everyone should watch STII:TWOK. It is so awesome.

All nod in agreement.

WEST: Apparently, only 4 people in Jon Clark's two calculus II classes knew who he was.

TEDWBROWN'S phone rings. Exit TEDWBROWN.

CHARLES: I imagine if you said Fantasy Island to most undergraduates today, they would assume it had something to do with sex/pornography.

WEST: They make the same assumption when I talk about Back Seat Bangers or Captain Stabbin'.

Scattered laughter.

RAWJERS: I mostly know him as the dead guy from the title of this discussion.

Others look confused at RAWJERS'S awkward word choices.

CHARLES: John! I hope you are back for good.

Others look confused at CHARLES'S awkward word choices.

WEST: I just hope he lets us know when he gets the rest of that handjob.

RAWJERS: Unfortunately, the other half just involves me.

CHARLES: Either way, that's a video I want to watch.

WEST and CHARLES high five. RAWJERS farts.

Scene.