actual student work

Dear Computer,
Why the balls is this on you?
Sincerely, Tha Captain

3E Presents: Worst Crap on the Internet #1 Part 3: Even More Drawings.

3E Presents: Worst Crap on the Internet #1 Part 2: Some More Drawings.

3E Presents: Worst Crap on the Internet #1 Part 1: These Drawings.

Your 3E NBA Playoffs Care-O-Meter

Oooooh, comin' in somewhere between flossin' and trimmin' the toenails. Better luck next year, lazy black guys.

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

Welcome back, "Boils" and "Ghouls!"

I'm tired of this already. It's the Birmingham Stallions. The horse puns write themselves.

The Big Juicebot

Synopsis from Wikipedia:

The film begins with a short voiceover introduction by an unnamed narrator (Fred Ashe) introducing the character of Juicebot as he is buying half and half from a grocery store in 1991. The voiceover explains that Juicebot calls himself "the Juicebot".

After returning to his apartment in St. Louis, two thugs break in and rough up The Juicebot. They are attempting to collect a debt Juicebot's supposed wife owes to a man named Eric Fillebaum. After realizing they were looking for a different person with the same name, they leave, but only after one of the thugs urinates on the Juicebot's rug. At the instigation of his friend and bowling teammate Charlie, the Juicebot decides to seek compensation for his urine-soaked rug from the other Juicebot. The next day, the titular "Big" Juicebot, a wheelchair-bound millionaire, gruffly refuses the Juicebot's request. After craftily stealing one of the Big Juicebot's rugs, the Juicebot meets Christine Neumann, the Big Juicebot's nymphomaniacal trophy wife on his way off the property.

Days later, the Big Juicebot contacts the Juicebot, revealing that Christine has been kidnapped. He asks him to act as a courier for the million-dollar ransom because the Juicebot will be able to confirm or deny their suspicion that the kidnappers are the rug-soiling thugs. Back at his apartment, the Juicebot naps on his new, stolen rug, only to have a new set of criminals burgle his apartment. The criminals knock him unconscious. Following a musical dream sequence, the Juicebot wakes up on his bare wooden floor, his new rug missing. Soon after, when Christine's kidnappers call to arrange the ransom exchange, Charlie tries to convince the Juicebot to keep the money and give the kidnappers a "ringer" suitcase filled with dirty underwear. The Juicebot rejects this plan, but cannot stop Charlie. The kidnappers escape with the ringer, and the Juicebot and Charlie are left with the million-dollar ransom. Charlie seems unperturbed by this turn of events, and takes the Juicebot bowling. Later that night, the Juicebot's car is stolen, along with the briefcase filled with money. The Juicebot receives a message from the Big Juicebot's daughter, Jenni. She admits to stealing back the Juicebot's new, stolen rug, as it had sentimental value to her. At her art studio, she explains that Christine is a porn starlet working under producer Eric Fillebaum and confirms the Juicebot's suspicion that Christine probably kidnapped herself. She asks the Juicebot to recover the ransom, as it was illegally withdrawn by her father from a family-run charitable foundation for orphans. She offers him a finder's fee in exchange for his services.

The Big Juicebot angrily confronts the Juicebot over his failure to hand over the money. The Juicebot claims that he made the pay-off as agreed, but the Big Juicebot responds by handing the Juicebot an envelope sent to him by the kidnappers which contains a severed toe, presumably Christine's. The Juicebot is enjoying a relaxing bath when he receives a message that his car has been found. Mid-message, three German nihilists invade the Juicebot's apartment, identifying themselves as the kidnappers. They interrogate and threaten him for the ransom money. The Juicebot returns to Jenni's studio, where she identifies the German nihilists as Christine's friends (including her pornographic co-star Scott Love AKA "Karl Hungus"). The Juicebot picks up his car from the police, and based on evidence he finds in the front seat, he and Charlie track down the supposed thief, a teenager named Teddums. Their confrontation with Teddums is unsuccessful, and the Juicebot and Charlie leave without getting any money or information.

Eric Fillebaum's thugs return to the Juicebot's apartment to bring him to Fillebaum's beach house in McAlla. Fillebaum inquires about the whereabouts of Christine and the money, offering him a cut of any funds recovered. After the Juicebot tells him about Teddums, Fillebaum drugs the Juicebot's drink (a vodka and sunny delite) and he passes out. This leads to a second, more elaborate dream sequence in which "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)" By Kenny Rogers and The First Edition is playing. Upon awakening once again, the Juicebot finds himself in a police car and then in front of the sheriff of McAlla, who berates and strikes him with a coffee mug for ruining the peace. After an abbreviated cab ride home (in which he is thrown out of the cab by an Eagles-loving driver), the Juicebot arrives home and is greeted by Jenni, who hopes to conceive a child with him. During post-coital conversation with Jenni, the Juicebot finds out that, despite appearances, her father has no money of his own. Jenni's late mother was the rich one and she left her money exclusively to the family charity. In a flash, the Juicebot unravels the whole scheme: When the Big Juicebot heard that Christine was kidnapped, he used it as a pretense for an embezzlement scheme, in which he withdrew the ransom money from the family charity. He kept it for himself, gave an empty briefcase to the Juicebot (who would be the fall guy on whom he pinned the theft), and was content to let the kidnappers kill Christine.

Meanwhile, it is now clear that the kidnapping was itself a ruse: While Christine took an unannounced trip, the nihilists (her friends) alleged a kidnapping in order to get money from her husband. The Juicebot and Charlie arrive at the Big Juicebot residence, finding Christine back at home, having returned from her trip. They confront the Big Juicebot with their version of the events, which he counters but does not deny. The affair apparently over, the Juicebot and his bowling teammates are once again confronted by the nihilists, who have set the Juicebot's car on fire. They are still demanding the million dollars, despite the fact that the Juicebot does not have the money and Christine has not even been kidnapped. Charlie viciously fights them off, going so far as to bite off one nihilist's ear. However, their third teammate, Tha Captain, suffers a fatal heart attack.

After a disagreement with the funeral home director over the cost of an urn for Tha Captain, Charlie and the Juicebot go to a cliff overlooking a beach to scatter Tha Captainz ashes from a large Folgers coffee can. Before opening the can's lid and haphazardly shaking out Tha Captainz remains into the wind, Charlie remembers what little he knew about Tha Captain, including that he loved to surf and bowl, then quotes a line from Hamlet: "Goodnight, sweet prince." After an emotional exchange, Charlie suggests, "Fuck it, man. Let's go bowling." The movie ends with the Juicebot in the bowling alley and meeting the narrator at the bar. The narrator tells the Juicebot to take it easy and the Juicebot responds by stating, "the Juicebot abides". The narrator briefly comments on the film to the audience, saying that although he "didn't like to see Tha Captain go", he hints that there's a "little Juicebot on the way." The film transitions to the closing credits as Townes Van Zandt's version of "Dead Flowers" plays.

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

Welcome back, "Boils" and "Ghouls!" It's been so long since we've "spook"-en! Tonight's tale is forged in the fires of Hell itself: The Birmingham Vulcans!

The successors to the Birmingham Americans were known for hammering the competition!

The Vulcans struck with the strength of a hammer, their opponents were the anvil... and were in need of Advil!

Because the Vulcans were sooooo dominant, they were awarded the 1976 title without even a challenge from any other teams and then the entire league folded out of sheer fright! (or it was a financial thing, I'm not a historian.)

Two seasons, two teams, two titles, too terrifying!

*maniacal cackling*

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

*maniacal cackling*

Hello, "Boils" and "Ghouls!" Larry Langford here. Tonight's tale is that of the Birmingham Americans, a team buried in the history books... but play them and it was YOU who would end up six feet under!

Legion Field truly was a house of horrors for opposing teams... none of the 13 who ventured in came out alive!

Local businessman Bill Putnam took a stab at team ownership, and you might say that his minions were quite adept at "Putnam in body bags!"


The Americans haunted the Central Division of the World Football League during its inau-"ghoul" season of 1974. They may have been the American dream, but for the rest of the league it was truly a nightmare!

On Thursday, Dismember 5th, 1974 the "talon"-ted team clawed their way to a World Bowl Championship!

Soon after, however, their fortunes turned for the worse. They've "slain" dormant, rotting in the earth.... until tonight!

*maniacal cackling*

3E fears.

Arkansas: America's Worst State

Believe it or not, the place where Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Memphis meet isn't a very nice place. The few buildings that aren't adult book stores look like adult book stores, the state senate meets at a Huddle House, and the official motto is "Seacrest: Out!" Also too, their license plate features a giant rat attacking an old woman.


So, congratulations Arkansas: you're the Millsaps of states!

You can find me in St. Loooooey

Tomorrow: 3E rides again.

That's right, baby. IT MAY BE BLURRY, BUT THAT DON'T MEAN IT AIN'T A TURD CANOE!