Remember "dicks out for Harambe," what was that about

TAMMY at Missouri -3.5: "Lost season" territory out west

South Carolina +12.5 at Florida: uhhhh this is wrong, what am I doing

Texas -8.5 at Oklahoma: Another classic Red River Rivalry Shootout Showdown that feels like a "close at the half, 18 point final margin" sort of game.

Old Mist -9.5 at Vanderbilt +9.5: I'm not sold on Old Mist and in fact don't feel like I have a handle on anybody in the conference between Georgia and Alabama (actually good) at the top and South Carolina and Arkansas (actually bad) at the bottom. There's a squishy bottom of the big middle with Auburn, TAMMY, Vanderbilt, I guess Kentucky. There's a pretty good clump with LSU, Old Mist, Florida. What's the gap there? Is Texas a fraud? Is Tennessee good? Is anybody?

Tennessee -13.5 at Arkansas: sure

LSU -9.5 at Kentucky: for Spooktober they should call it Kruger Field

Georgia +1.5 at Alabama: the deep state's trying to shoot a cyclone at the true president! prayer warriors assemble!

Saw a license plate on a Tesla that said "ZZZZZAP"

And all I can think of is John Waters on the Simpsons, but because it was a Tesla, it's probably just that the guy likes electricity or something. Stupid.

Mizzou -3.5  It's too early in the mourning process for any of TAMMY players to be thinking about anything other than the beloved Coach Fran. 

Florida -12.5  I bet they'll be mad. South Carolina is probably all used up. 

Oklahoma +8.5   Shine up your boots! It's time for The Shinyboots Shootout!

Old Mist -9.5  Vanderbilt lost to Auburn.

Tennessee -13.5  Loser has to keep Memphis! I kid.

LSU -9.5  The only Bluegrass Miracle this time around would be Lane Kiffin keeping his damn mouth shut!

Alabama -1.5  The president is going there in a damn hurricane.

Time to really embrace the Spooky Season

Embracing the spooky season: 3-3 / 26-23

Embracing the Snooki season: 3-3 / 25-24

A tight contest! Unlike most of the games below, which promise to be stinkers. 

;) :) ;) :) ;) :) ;) :) ;) :) ;) :) 

TAMMY at Missouri -3.5

South Carolina at Florida -12.5

Texas -8.5 at Oklahoma

Old Mist -9.5 at Vanderbilt

Tennessee -13.5 at Arkansas

LSU -9.5 at Kentucky

Georgia at Alabama -1.5

It actually looks like an SEC schedule this week

Alabama -6 @ Mississippi St.: Can Mississippi State win this exciting SEC rivalry game? No!

Vanderbilt @ Georgia -24.5: a classic SEC East contest

Florida -4.5 @ Mizzou: We have a weird midseason interconference match as Florida travels to Missouri for some reason. 

Auburn +7 @ Tennessee: This exciting SEC rivalry game has been interrupted by the conference split, but these teams are excited for another exciting edition of this exciting SEC rivalry game

Kentucky +2.5 @ South Carolina: a classic SEC East contest

Arkansas @ TAMMY -14: This exciting SWC throwback has everyone abuzz

Tha Captainz Week Five Pick: Very Special "Tim Meadows Christopher Walken Census Taker Sketch" Edition

Going to do a bit where I pick all favorites. This has nothing to do with the census taker sketch. I fooled you. lol, lmao.

Alabama -6  Still not buying Mississippi St. We still have plenty of Mississippi St. at home. I'm going to talk to my wife about freezing some of it because we just don't use Mississippi St. quickly enough. We shouldn't have gotten the Costco size container.

Georgia -24.5  Vanderbilt sucks without a rude, Mexican quarterback. Always has.

Florida -4.5 chomp chomp

Tennessee -7  Mercifully, I think I will be driving back from Birmingham for part of this game.

South Carolina -2.5  Beamr: The app that tells you when to switch on/off your brights while driving. Also, it tells you where lasers are.

TAMMY -14  TAMM-E. Like WALL-E. 

Week Five let's get spooky!

It's time for the little ghoulies to come out and have a munch.

• 70° Weather wit dat Looooow Humidity: 4-5 (22-21)
• How The Weather Is For Like 11.5 months out of the year: 5-4 (23-20)

__________________________________________________

Alabama -6 @ Mississippi St.

Vanderbilt @ Georgia -24.5

Florida -4.5 @ Mizzou

Auburn @ Tennessee -7

Kentucky @ South Carolina -2.5

Arkansas @ TAMMY -14

this pestilent land has ruined me

Texas @ Tennessee +5.5: the big wet boy will be there! i'm so excited! 

South Alabama +20.5 @ Kentucky: you ess aye

Oklahoma @ Georgia -14: Laughed at the New Mexico-Oklahoma score last week. 

Old Mist @ Florida -3.5: My logic is: letdown game for Old Mist. 

Vanderbilt +9.5 @ Auburn: Much like college basketball in the 1970s, this needed a three-point line. 

South Carolina +12.5 @ Alabama: cocks joke. picking mostly underdogs this week, that's fine. 

TAMMY +8.5 @ LSU: tammy

Mizzou +6.5 @ Mississippi St.: Mississippi State is going to get decent again now that they will be playing Auburn. 

Tulsa +7 @ Arkansas: yuck

Week Four Picks: Literally Angry with Rage

Trump gave a horrifying comic book villain speech to the UN and the thing I'm most mad about is that in a later press event he made it clear he thinks the United Kingdom, Great Britain, and England are all the same thing.

Texas -5.5  *shuffling note cards* I haven't seen this much orange since, since I looked at the president.

Kentucky -20.5  KROGER FIELD

Oklahoma +14  Georgia will win 15-2.

Florida -3.5  Florida almost lost to Auburn, but Old Mist has to have a let down after focusing all of their rage at Kiffykins, right?

Vanderbilt +9.5  Team of Destiny?

Alabama -12.5  This seems very low to me. Admittedly, I'm a fool, having made a series of bad career decisions. However, that doesn't seem to apply here.

TAMMY +8.5  Getting pushed around by Kentucky in your own stadium does things to a team. That's how the Joker became the Joker.

Mizzou +6.5  Not buying Mississippi St. just yet. We already have some Mississippi St. at home. ha ha

Arkansas -7  Arkansas will beat Auburn.

Week Four: Please keep your voice down, the guy from Green Day is trying to sleep for just a few more days

Cassette tape mix made by my friend Jake in the early 90's that had Green Day, Weezer, Offspring, other cool stuff: 

6-5 (18-16)

Cassette tape mix made by me today that is 14 tracks of Train's "Drops of Jupiter": 

4-7 (18-16)

___________________________________________________________________________

Texas -5.5 @ Tennessee

South Alabama @ Kentucky -20.5

Oklahoma @ Georgia -14

Old Mist @ Florida -3.5

Vanderbilt @ Auburn -9.5

South Carolina @ Alabama -12.5

TAMMY @ LSU -8.5

Mizzou @ Mississippi St. -6.5

Tulsa @ Arkansas -7

Week Three season's really flying by huh

It's already spooky season!

Georgia -24.5  How do you even score half a point. C'mon man.

NC St. + 3.5  I remember running around the backyard with my brother playing Wolfpacks and Commodores.

TAMMY -16.5  Can't Read, Can't Write, Can't-ucky

Alabama -19.5  Florida St. is literally in turmoil. 

Mississippi St. +4  Sandstorm is all like: do do doo do loo do do dooo dooooo

Mizzou -26.5  I'm going to a wedding in Troy this weekend. The ancient one in Asia Minor, I mean.

Auburn +2.5  Unbeatable

Old Mist +3  What's our boy Pat McAfee going to have to say about this one?

Oklahoma -22.5  It's sad that Oklahoma clearly wants so badly to touch New Mexico and New Mexico puts in the least possible amount of effort.

Tennessee -35.5  They call the dog Smokey because that's how he likes his women.

UTSA +30.5  meep meep

Week 3-CP0

"It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity” implies that this is a significant enough problem that they've had to include anti-deity-impersonation protocols in robot hardware. 

Georgia -24.5 @ Arkansas: Things look bleak in Arkansas. 

NC St. @ Vanderbilt -3.5: You don't just walk into whatever Vanderbilt stadium is called and expect to stroll out with a win. 

Kentucky @ TAMMY -16.5: This could get out of hand.

Flo-rida St. @ Alabama -19.5: Getting ready for the Q word (Qui-Gonn Jin) from Florida State. 

Mississippi St. @ South Carolina -4: Picking too many favorites. 

Troy +26.5 @ Mizzou: state pride

Florida @ Auburn +2.5: I do not think Auburn will win or cover but I am letting my Heart decide 

LSU -3 @ Old Mist: Lane will have something cooking

New Mexico +22.5 @ Oklahoma: this line is too high 

Kennesaw St. +35.5 @ Tennessee: they call this one "the battle of I-75" because 75 people died the first time they played

UTSA +30.5 @ Texas: they call this one "the battle of I-35" because that's the name of the road you can take most of the way between the two campuses

here are the records since Charles is so obsessed with them

Needs to win, ruthlessly competitive, completely devoid of compassion or empathy: 12-11

Here for the comraderie and the warm embrace of friendship in a cold, dark world: 14-9

Week 3(E) we have probably said that every single week 3 or maybe not

Eleven games. One for each gender.

Georgia -24.5 @ Arkansas

NC St. @ Vanderbilt -3.5

Kentucky @ TAMMY -16.5

Flo-rida St. @ Alabama -19.5

Mississippi St. @ South Carolina -4

Troy @ Mizzou -26.5

Florida -2.5 @ Auburn

LSU -3 @ Old Mist

New Mexico @ Oklahoma -22.5

Kennesaw St. @ Tennessee -35.5

UTSA @ Texas -30.5

Solemnly Remembering I Needed to Make Picks

There are 9/11 truthers doing a thing in front of the capitol.

Mizzou -5.5  In 2007 this was the biggest game of the college football season.

Auburn -34.5  Auburn is going to lose this game, aren't they?

Arizona St. + 14.5  Maybe Mike Elbow is good. But TAMMY is always reliable for one weird loss.

Michigan +5.5  Not sold on Brent Venables. Michigan realizes how lucky they are and try real hard.

WKU +40.5  This is the game Georgia screws around in and it's weirdly close.

Alabama -10.5  They're back.

Mississippi St +1.5  Jackie Sherrill and the boys have a little something for em.

Delaware +20.5  The world's smallest state.

Tennessee -12.5  No idea.

LSU -36.5  Usually, I would have taken the underdog. But Lane Train, baby.

Ohio St. +1.5  Will never believe Texas is back.

UNC-Charlotte +47.5  That is a lot of points.

Arkansas +12.5  Utah doesn't even have a coach anymore. He went to Michigan. Are the players calling the plays? Is this a Varsity Blues situation?

Week It Like You Two It

Missouri - 5.5 at Kansas: another classic SEC matchup

Southern Miss +34.5 at Auburn: They say the biggest improvement happens between week one and week two. Southern Miss might beat Auburn in that case.  

Arizona State at TAMMY -14.5: TAMMY

Oklahoma -5.5 at Michigan: I assume this line is because the bookies think Oklahoma will score either 5 or 6 points.

Western Kentucky at thUGA -40.5: a team of hand-picked mercenaries, assassins, and special operatives couldn't make me care about this one

Alabama -10.5 at Kentucky: This line and the Oklahoma line were two gigantic surprises. I would have guessed like 17.

Mississississippi State at Minnesoda -1.5: This is a cool game. The first two games of the season should be the bookies setting lines, and then a randomized selection of all the games with a line of 3 or fewer points, one home and one away, and then return game the next year. 

Delaware at Vandy -20.5: I was not delAware that they were playing this week. 

Tennessee -12.5 at Georgia Tech: Already making assumptions which I will not challenge for weeks, months, or years, and one of them this season is Georgia Tech: not that good.

La Tech at LSU -36.5: seems like the kind of game for which Lane Kiffin would run up the score. 

An Ohio State University +1.5 at Texas: I think Tressel and his boys have a little something for the boys from Austin.

Charlotte +47.5 at Old Mist: no

Arkansas +12.5 at Utah: "What's a Ute?" Classic. 

Delaware is 1-A? sure, why not

Missouri - 5.5 at Kansas

Southern Miss at Auburn -34.5

Arizona State at TAMMY -14.5

Oklahoma -5.5 at Michigan

Western Kentucky at thUGA -40.5

Alabama -10.5 at Kentucky

Mississississippi State at Minnesoda -1.5

Delaware at Vandy -20.5

Tennessee -12.5 at Georgia Tech

La Tech at LSU -36.5

An Ohio State University at Texas -1.5

Charlotte at Old Mist -47.5

Arkansas at Utah -12.5

Labor Day Links

1. Our Generation Ships Will Sink

2. AI Is Making Everything Worse

3. The Scratch

Presenting: 3E Preseason Awards

Announcing the 3E College Football Preseason Awards: 

• Offensive Player of the Year: Laterarius Kidwell III 
• Defensive Player of the Year: Jalen "Boogie" Baker
• Special Teams Player of the Year: Max Schlurp
• Coach of the Year: Burt Pickles

Congratulations everyone! 

why are there so many teams

They should go back to ten-team conferences. 

UTEP +41.5 vs Oklahoma: UTEP is cool

East Care of Lina vs Alabama -28.5: Pirates are cool 

Kent St. vs South Care of Lina -35.5: no

Baylor vs Auburn -7.5: I Believe

Texas St. +29.5 vs Texas: This would be a neat upset

Missouri St. vs TAMMY -40.5: TAMMY

Clemson +10 vs LSU: I think Lane whining so much about a backup tight end or whatever coming from the NFL suggests issues with the roster. I can't decide if it's funnier if Old Mist loses a ton of games or if LSU loses a ton of games. 

ULM vs Mississippi St. -28.6: Lamo

FAU +26.5 vs Florida: This would be a neat upset

Louisville +7 vs Old Mist: Of the second rank teams I hate, I think Old Mist going something like 4-8 would be the funniest. The real goal: a combined 17 losses between them. 

Picks. Then I have to drive to walmart to buy dogfood, catfood, cat litter, and a salad.

The salad is for our fish.

UTEP +41.5 that is a lot of points. also i initially typed 41.3 and its funny to imagine a bettor having internal turmoil over whether to take a team at +41.5 or if +41.3 is a better deal.

Alabama -28.5 kalen deboer looks likes if you over-inflated brett venables. Or perhaps Venables is sun-dried Kalen Deboer. 

Kent St +35.5 "lightning strike and thunder quake, they do not make the green grass make" don't know what this means. I think it was something I said about how the sound and fury of a storm doesn't make the grass grow.

Auburn -7.5 Ed made a eagle lego and told me war eagle. It later came out that my mom told him to do that. I do not care. War Damn. It's damning as a sport and society that if you say "the rape school," you have to further clarify yourself.

Texas -29.5 who the fuck is this quarterback

Mizzou St +40.5 ok missouri thinks they're a state now

Clemson +10 The personality cult of Lane Kiffin is amazing and I love him. What game were we talking about here?

Mississippi St -28.5 Croom was a good guy but how can you not put a hat on straight

Florida -26.5 McElwain has a little something for em this year

Louisville +7 I'm taking a city over a whiskey I invented every time.

well well well if it isn't the sec pick off

tough year

UTEP vs Oklahoma -41.5

East Care of Lina vs Alabama -28.5

Kent St. vs South Care of Lina -35.5

Baylor vs Auburn -7.5

Texas St. vs Texas - 29.5

Missouri St. vs TAMMY -40.5

Clemson vs LSU -10

ULM vs Mississippi St. -28.6

FAU vs Florida -26.5

Louisville vs Old Mist -7

Picks whenever.

links

1. "Somebody told you once that Internet sites are sometimes inaccurate. You hope it’s not true. How could you figure out which are the inaccurate ones using BRUTE STRENGTH?"

2. "Instead of writers and intellectuals coming up with ideas that filter into the culture, they are totally dominated by the conditions of discourse of social media."

3. "I'll just have to keep going. I can't disappoint it. I'd be letting the suit down."

4. "Or maybe they’re just performing some Gnawa devotional trance music."

Them there kind of livin' can't hold Chaka for me, no

He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich

Three links

1. Halupedia: "Every article here is fabricated by a language model. Biographies, dates, footnotes, and quotations are invented. Nothing on this site is true. Do not cite Halupedia, do not quote it, and do not believe it."

2. Smush: "It's pretty simple: make words, get points."

3. Date the Globe: "Every day the archive releases a genuine historical map with the dates blacked out. Read the names on it — empires, colonies, countries that no longer exist — and pin down the year of publication in six guesses."

Hey, Vasquez,

lmao

Oh, now there is no sound, for we all live underground

Too low to dig, I might just touch hell -- hot!

What a great video. Every single song and every single video for Outkast makes me think, "If I looked and sounded like that, I would be the coolest man alive."

Big hands, I know you're the one

In the desert, you can remember your name

I always thought it was, "In the desert, you can't remember your name."

Like a nervous magician waiting in the wings

It's cool they got the fake Counting Crows band in this video.