Small fish, meet big pond: Newcastle

New castle? Are they still building those??? I'm kidding.

Location: up north, a rarity these days

Nickname: the butt holes. I'm kidding.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Newcastle stadium. (kidding)

Crest: seahorses are a delicacy in Newcastle. im kidding

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically!): I don't know

What they'll bring to the table (literally!): don't know

14 games

hey

here look at this shit

The premier league season is halfway over. You can see how it's going here. I made this thing to illustrate how it's spread out. Truly, the middle class is dead.

Round up from yer Noble Cap'n's past

EPL blasts from the past as we work out rootability.

Aston Villa

Norwich City

Swansea City

West Bromwich Albion

Nice work, Daxler. Take a bow!

hey it's a rootability thing part 2: everybody else with colors

17. Stoke City - Giant, hulking thugs. They play the way everyone thinks all English teams play.

16. West Ham United - Owned by a pornographer. Russell Brand's team. Cockney.

15. Manchester City - Likeable enough, historically. Too $$$ these days to really pull for all the time.

14. Liverpool - I don't know why I like them as much as I do. Owned by the people that own the Boston Red Sox.

13. Sunderland -meh

12. Queen's Park Rangers -mehh

11. Aston Villa - they fired their horrible manager, at least.

10. Tottenham Hotspur - shouldn't be this high, probably.

9. Reading -Pronounced like 'bedding.' so you can seem really smart.

8. Newcastle United -Newcastle beer is good. They have a terrible owner but a big, loyal fanbase.

7. Wigan Athletic -I used to not like them but now I think they're ok. They might have a less handsome manager next year.

6. Everton -Seem like a good choice.

5. Fulham -Even if Clint Dempsey is gone, they're still adorable. They have a statue of Michael Jackson at their stadium.

4. Southampton -Don't know why but I think you should cheer for them.

3. West Bromwich Albion - Funny name. Likeable.

2. Swansea City -WALES.

1. Norwich City - Not stupid. Might get relegated. Your kind of blokes. They wear green.

hey it's a rootability ranking part 1: NO

 


20. Arsenal - you're not going to do this so we're moving on. also I hate the way you have to make posts now.











19. Manchester United - this is stupid i can't make this do anything. you're not going to cheer for manchester united either.





18. Chelsea - I got frustrated with trying to find their crest.

COMING SOMETIME LATER: PART 2! THE SLIGHTLY LESS OBNOXIOUS.

I think it's time we talked about this.

ok last mick mcarthy nonsense post

bwahaha

sad wolves

losing 5-1 to your biggest rival will do that.

a little more than halfway though, so what have we learned?

"The coldest gaze is that which you cast upon yourself" - Dr. Trent Stone

Well, I've learned that my searing passion for Michael Bolton led me to immensely overvalue Bolton Wanderers. And common sense led me to immensely undervalue Norwich and Swansea. Other than that, it's not that far off. This is how I gain your trust.

You Can't Spell EPIC FAIL without EPL: This is what will happen!

Srsly, write this in your journals. This is what the table will look like come mid-may. Now that all the transfer deadline day craziness is over, I've been able to settle down and, in a fury of knowledge, crap out this almost completely shot-in-the-dark prediction. After the top six... it's as clusterfucky as clusterfucks get.

1. Manchester United
2. Manchester City
3. Chelsea
4. Liverpool
5. Arsenal
6. Tottenham Hotspur
7. Stoke City
8. Newcastle United
9. Sunderland
10. Aston Villa
11. Bolton Wanderers
12. Everton
13. Fulham
14. Queens Park Rangers
15. Wolverhampton Wanderers
16. Wigan Athletic
17. West Bromwich Albion
18. Blackburn Rovers
19. Norwich City
20. Swansea City

Tha Captain will be working tirelessly this weekend with comments about all of the teams. I mean, what else will I be doing during an off-weekend for the premier league?

HINT: I WILL BE WATCHING FOOTBALL HOLY GOD WELCOME BACK FOOTBALL

Small fish, meet big pond: Swansea City

WALES! How many times will I type that? Lots! Promotion playoff winners. Usually this means they're in for some tough sleddin.

Location: WALES! They're from Wales, a premier league first. Swansea is the home of Catherine Zeta-Jones and a band called The Pooh Sticks.

Nickname: The Swans. I think it's exactly the same as the way Utah are the Utes. I mean what's a Ute? What's a swan? We just don't know.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Deceptive Non-Commercial FAIL. Liberty Stadium, named after a property development company and not the concept. Originally named White Rock Stadium, deceptively NOT after crack.

Crest: Is that a duck? I don't get it. Maybe a "swan" is some kind of welsh duck. Pretty sure the neck is meant to look like an "S." Are the feathery things supposed to evoke a "W?" Mysteries abound.

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically!): WALES! I'm excited about WALES! I think they try to kick the ball around a little bit, but I think a lot of their success this year was defensively grounded. Could be boring. Their uniforms are all-white (like some kind of weird albino duck) which isn't that exciting. Still, WALES!

What they'll bring to the table (literally!): Hull survived two years as promotion playoff winners. Most don't make it that long.

WALES!

Metal Monday: Special Wolvey Edition

Monday Brainfagger

Can you match the crests of the four(4) teams in the premier league promotion playoffs with the appropriate team name?

A. Nottingham Forest

B. Cardiff City

C. Reading

D. Swansea City

please god give us the picture of mcelroy with a 13 shaved into his pubes

Small fish, meet big pond: Norwich City

With full approval of the www.3E.blogspot.you'realreadyhere.com staff, more of this shit!

Welcome back, Norwich. And with the questions surrounding some player for QPR and a possible points deduction, this one is for serious.

Location: Norwich, East Anglia. If Cornwall's the cock, then Anglia's the Beyonce. Knowhaimsayin. Me neither. That's in dialect.

Nickname: The Canaries. So, you know, if you're down in a mine or something. There's a long and convoluted history, I think. And they were called that before they even dressed like them.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Carrow Road. Which, as wikipedia wisely points out, was named for the road on which it is located.

Crest: Old as shit. People may have actually used that shield design at Crecy. I like it, though.

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically!): GREEN! FUCKIN GREEN. As one of two who wear green in the entire 92 team football league, welcome to you colorful fruitcakes.

What they'll bring to the table (literally!): I know almost nothing about them. I bet they suck.

Small fish, meet big pond: QPR

So exciting. These were fun and I'm all about fun. Welcome back, premier league prattle.

When I was a little kid I liked the mid-90's premier league version of Queens Park Rangers because they have a goofy uber-english name. Now they'll be goofin all the way to the bank next year as the almost-certain winners of the second tier.

Location: West London. Much like west Auburn, the home of the city's pampered elite. Becoming the third team from the single London borough of Hammersmith & Fulham (along with Chelsea & Fulham). Specifically they're in Shepherd's Bush. Hehe. Bush.

Nickname: The Hoops. That's what they call horizontal stripes. Adorable.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Loftus Road. I'm told that stadium tours can be booked through the club!

Crest: I'm afraid if I touch it, my hand will get slapped. Here's the old one.

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically!): Another poorly-supported distraction for rich people? I don't know. All I could find in the way of famous fans were members of obscure bands called Depeche Mode, Deep Purple, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, and The Cure. Also too the non-George-Michael member of Wham! They have decent players and are owned by the dude that runs Formula One racing or something. Honestly, I'm not that excited.

What they'll bring to the table (literally!): I'm guessing they'll have enough money boned into them by the bigwigs that they'll make a meager existence in the premier league for a couple of years at least.

That WAS fun!

Relax the sphincter....

release the fixtures. A little reminder of how rare it is that a soccer fan has to go more than a couple of months without a competitive game to watch. Less than two months til the new premier league season. Also too, a harsh reminder of how short the college football season is. Cherish the special moments.