BINFORD TOOLS IS PROUD TO PRESENT... THA CAPTAINZ PICKS!!!! *crowd goes nuts with a mixture of hoots, hollars, and man-grunts!!!*

In honor of Tool Man, I made a bunch of bone-headed decisions. They are listed below.

The winner is listed first. That little number in parentheses? Well guess what that's the confidence.


NEW ORLEANS BOWL
(31) Troy / North Texas
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Orleans?

CURE BOWL
(21) Western Kentucky / Georgia St.
They should advertise this as "The Cure for the Common Bowl." They won't though, they'll probably try to raise money for breast cancer instead.

LAS VEGAS BOWL
(12) Boise St. / Oregon
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a LAS Vegas?

NEW MEXICO BOWL
(30) Colorado St. / Marshall
Whoa, slow down there maestro. Why isn't there a WHITE New Mexico Bowl?

CAMELLIA BOWL
(24) Arkansas St. / Middle Tennessee
I would have sworn to the divines that these teams were still in the same conference.

BOCA RATON BOWL
(39) FAU / Akron
Akrons grow into oac trees. (aoc trees? wasn't sure how exactly to draw the analogy. share your thoughts in the comments! NOT, I don't care)

FRISCO BOWL
(1) SMU / Louisiana Tech
Frisco, TX was founded along a line of the St. Louis-San Francisco Railway (known as "The Frisco"), thus the name. I looked it up on wikipedia. Also, according to the wik, "Another name [for the city], usually referred to only by the children of the land, is 'F-TOWN'." What's really messed up is that the St. Louis-San Francisco Railway never gets anywhere near San Francisco, California. Can you believe that

GASPARILLA BOWL
(3) FIU / Temple
I need a Bad Boy Mower so my neighbors will finally respect me.

BAHAMAS BOWL
(26) Ohio / UAB
It's amazing that UAB won 8 games, right? I'm amazed and I am not easily impressed!

POTATO BOWL
(2) Central Michigan / Wyoming
Fitting because Wyoming dresses like potatoes (brown). Why didn't the bowl pick Western Michigan (also dress like potatoes (brown)) instead of CMU (dresses like red potatoes maybe? (maroon))? fools

BIRMINGHAM BOWL
(20) USF / Texas Tech
Remember when we went to these

ARMED FORCES BOWL
(33) San Diego St. / Army
San Diego isn't even a state. this is stupid

DOLLAR GENERAL BOWL
(34) Toledo / Appalachian St.
I will never forget that guy's wooden sign. And I will never forgive him for it.

H'AWA'I'I BOWL
(4) Fresno St. / Houston
Look out! It's the Hawaii Bowl!

FART OF DALLAS BOWL
(25) Utah / West Virginia
I think this is the only game where i switched my pick after my initial snap judgment. Yet, somehow there is a 25 in front of it. I am clearly not trying.

QUICK LANE BOWL
(22) Northern Illinois / Duke
Cindy Crawford went to Northern Illinois. You know who went to Duke? HER BOSS!! (a man).

CACTUS BOWL
(19) Kansas St. / UCLA
Fun Fact: A cactus is not actually a plant.

INDEPENCENCE BOWL
(37) Florida St. / Southern Mist
Sick

PINSTRIPE BOWL
(14) Iowa / Boston College
Imagine this clash of accents!!! "ooh, we're playin in a bowl game don't ya know!" (Iowa) vs "ooh, we're playin in a bowl game don't ya know pahk my cah in hahvahd yahd" (BC)

FOSTER FARMS BOWL
(13) Arizona / Purdue
Farms? FarmS? Plural?! Ey Foster! Quit hoggin all da farms over heaya! aaah ahm just yankin yuh chain Foster yuhr alright.

TEXAS BOWL
(11) Texas / Missouri
Missouri must feel very left out. Imagine if they had just been like "welcome to lauren's wedding." Or "welcome to bsc graduation for all seniors except charles."

MILITARY BOWL
(6) Virginia / Navy
Freedom ain't free, y'all.

CAMPING WORLD BOWL
(16) Virginia Tech / Oklahoma St.
Camping ain't free, y'all.

ALAMO BOWL
(17) TCU / Samford
I can't get over how utterly devilish it is to call them "Samford."

PAWLIDAY BOWL
(18) Michigan St. / Washington St.
Bowl Game Trivia: this is the first time two teams with "State" in their names have played against one another in a bowl game. The record for bowl games is 7.

BELK BOWL
(8) Wake Forest / TAMU
Can you imagine bowls named after other 3Es? The Eric Filla-Bowl! That sounds druggy! The John Bowl.. that's a toilet!!! I could go on and on

SUN BOWL
(29) NC St. / Arizona St.
you miiiiight as well be bowlin on the sun

MUSIC CITY BOWL
(38) Northwestern / Kentucky
Kentucky sucks!! Gaaah!

ARIZONA BOWL
(9) New Mexico St. / Utah St.
Once again, probably would have said these guys were in the same conference.

COTTON BOWL
(28) Ohio St. / USC
This is a real Bad Boy Mower of a matchup.

TAXSLAYER BOWL
(36) Louisville / Mist St.
Get this: TaxSlayer, TaxMetallica, TaxAnthrax, and TaxMegadeth!!! The "Big 4" of Bay Area Thrash Tax Services.

LIBERTY BOWL
(23) Memphis / Iowa St.
li-"bear"-ty the beanie baby. I said that last year but it's the only thing I can think of when i see the word liberty.

FIESTA BOWL
(27) Penn St. / Washington
Writing 39 things is almost as hard as writing 40 things last year! Aaccck!!

ORANGE BOWL
(32) Wisconsin / Miami (FL)
I ask my wife to close her eyes christmas morning as i stand behind her, placing something around her neck. open your eyes, it's a turnover chain. merry christmas, jessie.

OUTBACK BOWL
(35) Michigan / South Carolina
Our dryer sheets are "blooming lavender" scented so every time i do laundry i say "bloomin' lavender" like the outback voiceover guy. it's great. the little things, you know?

PEACH BOWL
(5) UCF / Auburn
pronouncing peach like "peedge" to trigger the libs

CITRUS BOWL
(7) Notre Dame / LSU
Remember Mitch Hedberg, remember the thing where it's something about citrus? the bouyancy of citrus? I'm looking it up. Yeah that was it. The joke was that limes float so if he was on a sinking ship he would grab a lime and be saved by the bouyancy of citrus. classic.

ROSE BOWL
(10) Georgia / Oklahoma
I was surprised that Georgia and Oklahoma have never played before.

SUGAR BOWL
(15) Alabama / Clemson
I was surprised that Alabama and Clemson have never played before.

I haven't watched this and I'm probably not going to.

glad it's out there, though.




also this:

THAT is hardcore.

Keyboard player. He really gets the limelight at about 2:40.

The Father/Son Talk part 2

KoolDad69: Son, is that you?
baseballguy86: omg dad wut r u doin lol
KoolDad69: I was wondering if you wanted to talk. I notice you spend a lot of time on here. Do you remember 6 years ago when I started to tell you about Tool?
baseballguy86: yeha ok a lil
KoolDad69: Well, I assume that you've probably heard some things from some of the other boys at school since then, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page of if you had any questions.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yeh its kewl
KoolDad69: I'm not sure what that means, but I just wanted to be certain that you knew about Aenima, their 1996 album that I personally believe to be their magnum opus. Have you heard any of it at school?
baseballguy86: a lil. it rocks prety much
KoolDad69: You're damn right it does!
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: lol yeh
KoolDad69: Does this thing have video?
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yeh it does theirs a button 4 it on top
KoolDad69:

KoolDad69: I first fell in love with Tool after listening to a 30 second realplayer clip of that song. Do you know what realplayer is?
KoolDad69: lol yeh is that 4 pron
KoolDad69: What do you know about pron?
KoolDad69: porn?
baseballguy86: nuthin jus jokin
KoolDad69: I don't think it was funny. It might have been, how old are you? 12? I guess I knew about porn when I was 12. Whatever.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yes
KoolDad69: Alright, well it was five long years until Tool's next album: Lateralus. In the meantime they released Salival, a boxed set with a mostly live CD and a VHS or DVD of their videos. Do you know what VHS is?
baseballguy86: its like a dvd
KoolDad69: Yes, pretty much. Bigger, though.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: lol yeh
KoolDad69: Let's see if this one works.

KoolDad69: How about that, huh? Pretty cool.
baseballguy86: yeh their good
KoolDad69: Is this how you talk to everyone on this thing?
baseballguy86: yeh y
KoolDad69: They don't call you names or anything? Make fun of your spelling? You can tell me.
baseballguy86: no but im bout 2 call my gf so im gettin off here
KoolDad69: You have a girlfriend? Does she know about Tool?
baseballguy86: yeh she knoz all about theyre 2006 release 10000 days
KoolDad69: I love you.
user baseballguy86 has signed off and can no longer receive messages.

The Father/Son Talk Part 1

Son, it's time we talked about Tool. Your mother and I have agreed that you're old enough and it's not fair to keep this from you any longer. We didn't want you hearing this from some of the older kids at school so we figured it was best to tell you here. Just remember that we love you and if you have any questions, just ask.

Okay, well, let's see. You have to realize that this isn't the easiest thing for me either, son. I know, I know, we'll be done in time for Malcolm in the Middle. Alright, where do we start. Um, maybe you can tell me what you already know... Nothing, huh. That's for the best, I suppose.

*sigh* Here goes, Tool released their first EP, "Opiate" in 92? 93, maybe. I probably should have done some research. Anyway, it was an aggressive little gem filled with thrashy riffs, overt themes, and sometimes downright salty lyrics. This is "Hush" from the youtube, pay attention now, son.

I guess I could have warned you about the imminent manparts, but it's nothing you haven't seen around the locker room. What, you don't have a locker room in Kindergarten? Where do you shower? Hmm. Well whatever.

Where were we? Oh, right. Tool released their first real album, "Undertow" fairly soon after. The songs were a little longer, the meanings more veiled, and the artwork more obscure. Again, I've just discovered this youtube thing and it's a lot easier than actually talking to you.

Okay, this is taking forever. I don't even think you're paying attention. Fine, go watch your programs. We can talk about this some other time. I love you, too.