A Maison D'3E original. It's really good. Best paired with something to get your drink on. Seriously, it's really, really good. Mushrooms, garbanzo beans, medium curry sauce, and if imitation is the most sincere form of flattery then all crabs should be blushing right now. Those Alaska pollock know how to imitate. Anyway, I know everyone else in the world will think this is gross, but it's so, so good. You may be wondering "why didn't tha captain take a picture after it had been plated? certainly would have been more aesthetically pleasing." BECAUSE I ATE IT OUT OF THE SKILLET.
Left for dead in this swamp (or is it a slough?) Only crawfish for company. He underestimates me. I’ve been gutshot before. A cuckolded husband’s scorn (how did he know?) can be as blinding as a woman’s can be furious.
This far into the muck, the crawfish have been known to grow quite large. Big enough? Have to be. Deep breath, now start digging. Mud mingles with blood and bowels. Further and further downward. Hand feels carapace. Not quite big enough yet. Keep digging before he can turn around. Not big enough to wear, but big enough that I don’t want to get to know him too well.
My insides are more mud than man, what’s left of my lungs burn, and my eyes (why open? dark in here) roll back in my head. Need to find this big fucker quick.
…and whaddaya know there he is. Gotta work quick. Knife out. God, the carapace is hard. It takes all my strength just to dent it and now he knows exactly where I am. SNAP. A claw the size of a VCR misses my leg by inches. I stab again and through. With an upward motion I gut the bastard. SNAP. His death throes succeed where his conscious efforts failed as that one cleanly lops off my left hand. With what little strength I have left, I pry him open and let the carapace envelop me. Somehow, it doesn’t seem so dark and unwelcoming down here anymore…
UPWARD UPWARD POWERFUL TAIL AND MANY ARMS PUMP THIS IS STRENGTH OUR VENGENCE WILL BE SATISFYING AND SLOW HE WILL KNOW OUR STRENGTH WE BREAK THE SURFACE HARSH BURNING SUNLIGHT NOW SPECKLED WITH AN EXPLOSION OF WONDERFUL COOL MUD THE TIME FOR OUR VENGENCE WILL COME BUT FOR NOW SOMETHING COMPELS US NOT TO LEAVE THIS SWAMP THIS HOME MAYBE BACK UNDER THE MUD FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE MAYBE A LONG WHILE THIS HOME…
The mountain was steep, but Spiderman was up to the task. Scrambling nimbly over rock and thorn, the web-slinger slowly approached the peak. But what's this? Herpes! Bummer, thought Spiderman. That shit doesn't go away. No sense in delaying the inevitable being the primary thought in his mind, Spidey plowed on through. Oh man, that itches and burns. But got to get to the top of this mountain! I've got to save the princess! Upon reaching the peak, he saved the princess. Spidey's not one to kiss and tell but rumor is she's got the Herp too! Oh, that Spiderman. Is there anything he won't fuck? Later that day, Spiderman went to Kroger. He needed some coldbeers for the weekend's festivities. A crawfish boil is just the thing to put my mind at ease, he thought. So he bought some crawfish too. Also spices. On his way home Spiderman noticed his hair doing something weird in the back kinda flippin out probably the rain he thought. Back on the mountain Spiderman has to save another princess! Oh man these stupid twats always getting captured by the mountain. Dutifully Spidey saved her stupid ass and gave her Herpes too. Later on at the crawfish boil Spiderman ate crawfish by himself. I'm so lonely, he yelled into the indifferent night sky. Spiderman is a bit of a messy eater and several crawfish shells were left laying around in his apartment floor. Little did the S-Man realize that the roaches would learn to use them as exoskeletons! Now, he's got a real situation on his hands! At this point Spiderman realized that he hadn't been playing music on his computer while he wrote some things and he turned it on. What a forgetful freddy I am, he laughed to himself. Other thoughts inside his head: I wonder how long this will be on a blog if I were to write it there. NOT ANOTHER PRINCESS! Yes, another princess, Spidey! Back up the mountain. What a day! Ready for it all to be over, Spiderman drove to the lake, tied cinder blocks to his feet, climbed over the railing on the pier, and shot himself in the head as he fell into the water. Not even he could fuck that up! At the bottom of the lake a big ol' catfish began to eat Spiderman's flesh. Circle of life, thought the catfish. What the catfish didn't realize was that by eating Spiderman's flesh, he took on his powers (and his Herpes)! Attention Catfish Spiderman: Only you can defeat the roaches with crawfish exoskeletons who live on the top of Herpes Mountain. Catfish Spiderman always answers the call. The battle raged day and night. For three weeks, the sky was gray with fright and the ground ran red with blood. But you know how this has to end. Catfish Spiderman standing exhausted and near death atop a pile of ruined crawfish carapaces, his broadsword wet with their shimmering blood. He raises it into the air and howls a cry of victory so loud that it's just really fucking loud. And then lightning strikes the sword! Catfish Spidey explodes and the hungry wolves devour his flesh. Fortunately, being an osmotic process, the powers of Catfish Spiderman don't transfer to the mean wolves. But the Herpes did! Jokes on you, you fuckin wolves!
This could out-batshit Dr. "Mean" Gene Ray if whatever jaded hipster writing it actually believed what he was saying. Spaceship Jesus even gives a shoutout to the Cubist and Wisest Human. So, either someone actually buys into the timecube mythos (Tha Captain can't live in a world where that can happen) or it's a cute little farce. Note: It's the second thing.
Crazy points would be awarded for not trusting the Gorton's Fisherman. That guy is on the level.
13 - Crabmeat Curry
