Say, Ron, you look tired. Have you ever been tested for diseases?

Ron replies, 'At least I'm not a hideous fucker.'

She says, 'Are you going home for Christmas? I'm going home. My family's got money.'

He says, 'No, we're staying here. We're going to find out who that fucking Nick Flannel is, and rule the fucking school. So run home and open your presents. I hope you get a new pillow to cry into.'

Wizard People, Dear Reader: Out from the shadows of God knows what dimension steps the oldest wizard in the books, the Near-Dead Dumbledore. He is clearly a powerful beast and walks with dignity despite his age and attire. He sees a cat that he knows right before he sets to work. Chapter one of thirty-five.

He holds up that Snitch and bellows:

'I am a beautiful animal!

'I am a destroyer of worlds!

'I am Harry Fucking Potter!'

From the genius who brought you:



and

Harry Potter edited

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Link

A series of spoilers for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

A major character dies at the end.

-

A major character betrays another major character.

-

In the penultimate scene, Harry Potter and Voldemort throw massive left hooks at the exact same time. They connect, knocking each other out. Both men are counted out, and when Voldemort wakes up, he realizes Harry's still got it. The crowd chants, "Potter! Potter!" and the two fighters hug, each having a new-found respect for the other.

-

At the end, Harry Potter wakes up next to Susan Pleshette, and it was all a dream. Before going back to sleep, Harry tells her she should wear more wizarding robes.

-

It turns out Albus Dumbledore was actually a Grand Wizard.

-

Harry is startled by the dog while sleeping in his favorite easy chair. He sits up, sore, and realizes he has never accomplished anything important since he was in high school, fifty years ago this May. He peaked, and nothing he ever does again will matter. He gets up to mix another gin and tonic.

-

Wizards aren't real.