Thinking - of course - of "The Seven Kevins"

Numbers are like bullet points.

1. Georgia -24.5
Kevin I: Kevin Nealon - The primogenitor Kevin. He from whom all Kevins are descended. He was in Happy Gilmore (1996).

2. Tennessee +6.5
Kevin II: Kevin Costner - Best known for playing Wyatt Earp in the box office bomb Waterworld (1995).

3. Alabama -17
Kevin III: Kevin Bacon - Obscure actor who left show business after a harrowing experience on the set of Friday the 13th (1980).

4. UNLV +14.5
Kevin IV: Kevin Sorbo - Played the titular role on television's Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995-99). Delighted audiences with his trademark catchphrase wherein he would clap childishly and recite his character's name over and over.

5. Mizzou -11
Kevin V: Kevin Spacey - Great actor. Everyone loved American Beauty (1999). Seems like a nice guy.

6. Kentucky -6.5
Kevin VI: Kevin Federline - The inspiration for Kid Rock's ubiquitous anthem American Bad Ass (2000).

7. Florida +13
Kevin VII: Kevin McCallister - Awful, spoiled rich child. Subject of the documentary Home Alone (1990) and its sequels. Deceased. No male heirs, thus ending the Kevin bloodline.

---

$$$ Here are a couple of wagers that would make any Kevin proud $$$

1. $849.60 on the Tahd straight up at -800. Wins $106.20.
2. $200.40 on the Vahls straight up at +210. Wins $420.84.

Week Kevin

Last Week (Overalls)

Knotted Muscles: 2-3 (23-23-1)
Potted Mussels: 4-1 (25-21-1

This week's matchups are brought to you by the letter "M" for "Man dang lookit these matchups."

• South Carolina @ Georgia (-24.5)
• Mississippi St. (-6.5) @ Tennessee
• Alabama (-17) @ TAMU
• UNLV @ Vanderbilt (-14.5)
• Old Mist @ Mizzou (-11)
• Arkansas @ Kentucky (-6.5)
• Florida @ LSU (-13)

Bullet points! Pew! Pew!

Only our beleaguered TigerBoys sit this one out. They deserve it. It was probably very warm and muggy in the Swamp.

---

$$$ Nice Boogie $$$

Humanities Hero: $1,130.00
STEM Idiot: $1,194.20

That's the most combined moolah we've ever had so this week will probably be a bloodbath of red ink.

Wick Seex

An ugly slate of games! I've never felt more set up for failure, except often in day-to-day interactions and other picks on this website.

Utah State (+26) Seems like a big line, but who knows.
Auburn (-3) CALL ME A BELIEV' MAN
Troy (+25.5) Trojans!
Georgia (-25) I went back and forth on this one. Tennessee is a garbage team, but this seems like a giant line. Kirby is a conservative coach. But but Tennessee is also apparently very bad against the spread in their last few games. Has Tennessee given up?
Ole Miss (-7.5) I don't think Vanderbilt is very good, and Ole Miss seems fine. They looked OK against Alabama, except when they didn't.

$$$$$$
A NICEST BOOKIE

Playing with fire (a.k.a. $1121) means playing it safe on this, the most difficult picks of the season.

Give me $315 on LSU to beat Utah State, to win $9.

Week Six: Are you serious with all these off weeks c'mon man.

Really feeling like I'm on the verge of something terrible.

LSU -26  Eagerly anticipating an all-sec-qb Heisman ceremony (Joe Burrow, Bo Nix, and Kyle Trask).

Florida +3  chomp chomp

Troy +25.5   Troy's nickname "Trojans" comes from the inhabitants of the ancient Anatolian city of Troja.

Georgia -25  I'm officially off the Tennessee bandwagon.

Old Mist -7.5   I'm officially off the Vanderbilt bandwagon. Done with the whole state.

---

$$$

The wagers of sin... is death. The wagers of the captain... are as follows:

• $815.52 on UGA straight up at -2365. I stand to win $34.38.
• $84.48 on Flo-Rida straight up at +130. I stand to win $109.82.

More Weeks (Six) Than Games (Five)!!!

LW (O)
A man you can believe in: 3-2 (21-20-1)
A man who's always sneezin': 4-1 (21-20-1)

A terrific week for picks, pics, and Picts.

The bookies think that we'll have two competitive games and three blow-outs this week.

Utah State at LSU (-26)
Auburn (-3) at Florida
Troy at Missouri (-25.5)
Georgia (-25) at Tennessee
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-7.5)

Only five SEC games, you ask? You are correct! We have bye weeks for Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi State, South Carolina, and Texas A&M. Simply OUTRAGEOUS.

$$$$$$$$$$
The Nicest of Bookies

A very respectable W: $1050
A very detestable C: $1121

cause i'm the bad guy

(whispering) errybody in the club gettin tipsy

Errybody in the club gettin tipsy Errybody in the club gettin tipsy 

see em spread eagle

dna test

Yes I made some bad picks and I hope they burn in hell!!!!

SEC Picks as Samuel L. Jackson Roles:

Arkansas (+23.5): John Shaft from Shaft. Should be good but ended up being mostly forgettable. I know that I've seen it, but I have zero recollection. Inexplicably, this is a series.

Northern Illinois (+6.5): Col. Terry Childers in Rules of Engagement. It's hard to imagine a situation where I watch even most of the way through. The right time to watch would have been several years ago.

Old Mist (+35.5): Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction. This is a game that will make me feel like I am beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Hopefully, a main character will die before the end.

Mississippi St. (+11): John Arnold from Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

South Carolina (-2.5): Mace Windu from the Star Wars prequel series. This seems like bad casting, and while everyone involved is apparently trying hard and giving it their best, there are deeper problems that preclude genuine success.

$$$$$$$$$$$
A REAL NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$

Still on that $1099 train. I think both of these over/unders are like 10 points off, which means I will definitely lose both.

$33 to win $30 on Kentucky-South Carolina going over 51.5 points.
$55 to win $50 on Mississippi State-Auburn going over 46.5 points.
$300 to win $2 on Alabama beating Old Mist.

A Captainz Week Five Picks: Think of a good subtitle. don't forget. ok working on this again. think of a subtitle next time. ok editing again. ah crap no subtitle. ok, uh something clever.. come on man aaaaaccck!!!!

In my head I was just counting the games to see if I could come up with a theme for the picks. One of the cool things about having a kid is that when I count now, I do it in the cadence of a battery operated cat who implores me to roll him around the floor, singing the numbers 1 - 20 as he goes. We don't own such a toy, it's just part of "being a dad."

At any rate, there are 5 count em 5 games. Didn't think of a theme. In fact, this is my last edit and now I'm about to go home and I haven't even written any stupid words after my stupid picks. I'm sorry, I'll try to think of something stupid to say about each game this weekend "in real time." Ok editing again, really i'm out the door. going to write the first stupid thing that comes to mind after each pick (not actually looking at the games, just writing something) ok go!

Arkansas + 23.5   Voldemort

Vanderbilt - 6.5  oh crap uh dumbledore

Old Mist +35.5   harry potter

Mississippi St. + 11    baziiinga

South Carolina -2.5   a man named Bubba "Turds" Gunderson, just imagine a guy like that

---

$$$

Check this out. I got 1,076.58 in fake moolah. Nice Bookie, put me down for the following nonsense:

• $927.07 on TAMU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $46.35.
• $72.93 on The Mississippi State University straight up at +350. I stand to win $255.26 as well as your respect and admiration.

If TAMU and Auburn win, I will still have $1,050.00 even though you will neither respect nor admire me.

2019 3E SEC Pick Off Week Five: Very Special "I will never stop calling my son Turd Boy" Edition

Last Week (Overalls):

The Savvy Picker: 8-1 (17-19-1)
The Scabby Licker: 4-5 (18-18-1)

Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark!!!

4 teams off this week and 1 FCS game so we should be able to really focus on these picks. No excuses. I will be absolutely beside myself if I hear any excuses.

TAMU (-23.5) vs Arkansas (@ the CowboyDome)

Northern Illinois @ Vanderbilt (-6.5)

Old Mist @ Alabama (-35.5)

Mississippi St. @ Auburn (-11)

Kentucky @ South Carolina (-2.5)

---

$$$ Nice Book-E $$$

Makin It Rain: $1,099.00
Swirlin Down the Drain: $1,076.58

Gentlemen, start your pickins.

(The Beatles voice): "When I Pick Week Four"

Florida (-14) It feels like only Yesterday that this game was a big-time matchup, rather than an idiot clown show. I'm not confident about Florida covering. Tennessee's loss to BYU seems better than it did before, after beating Southern Cal, but I got to stick with my gut. I won't change my pick; I'm going to Let It Be.

Alabama (-39) This game will trigger a Helter Skelter scenario on my blood pressure, and, I hope, in the USA as a whole.

Old Mist (-2) Much like JoJo, who wanted that California grass, Old Mist will get back to where they once belong: barely beating mediocre teams.

LSU (-23.5) Ed Oregon looked at that bad offense and said, We Can Work It Out, and they did! Great job. Life is very short, and there's no time for me to watch LSU beat a team like Vanderbilt.

Auburn (+4) You've got to admit, Bo Nix is getting better, getting better all the time.

Missississippi State (-7)  I expected this line to be higher! But then I read the news today, and I just had to laugh. Just a Day In the Life of this 3E Pick Them man.

Missouri (-9.5) I look at this line, and I don't know. I Just Don't Understand! Something in the way this line is set, I don't know.

San Jose State (+21) Picture yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, and oh no it's Bert Beilema! He's back! He's mad and he's wet and he's red!

Notre Dame (+13.5) This one, you know it ain't easy. You know how hard it can be! But I will definitely be rooting for the Catholics, with all their crucifixes.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I got $1099 to spend. I need money, I need money / I need money, oh, yes that's what I want!

$11 to win $10 on California-Old Mist to go under 41.5. I decided no matter what I would bet the under on this game, and it's so low, and I'm still doing it!
$11 to win $10 on Mississippi State covering -7 against Kentucky.
$540 to win $1 on Alabama beating Southern Miss.

Week Four Picks presented by White Clam Hard Seltzer: "Clammed if you do, Clammed if you don't!"

The theme of today's picks is that I'm gassy right now.

Tennessee +14  This is the week Tennessee turns the corner.

Alabama -39  This is the week Alabama turns the corner.

Cal +2  Do you remember Pocket Rockers? Let me jog your memory: "down on the corner / out in the street / Pocket Rockers are playin / wear the music / feel the beat"

LSU -23.5 Everyone remembers Monster In My Pocket.

TAMU -4 

Kentucky +7  Didn't learn anything last week.

South Carolina +9.5  Have never learned anything ever.

Arkansas -21  Will never learn anything ever.

Notre Dame +13.5  Forgetting anything I might have known initially.

---

$$$ Nice Bookie $$$

Let's make this clean 'n' simple. The Nice Bookie deserves to have one lobbed in to him every once in a while. $1,000 on LSU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $50. Because the moneyline is twice my wager, this is known as "doubling my money."

(Drowning Pool voice) let the bookies pick week four

A prince of a man: 4-2 (14-13-1)
A dunce on the can: 2-4 (9-18-1)

yikes!

Only one home underdog this week. That's interesting (not).

Tennessee at Florida (-14)
Southern  Miss at Alabama (-39)
Cal-uh-forn-eye-aye at Old Mist (-2)
LSU (-23.5) at Vanderbilt
Auburn at TAMU (-4)
Kentucky at Missississippi State (-7)
South Carolina at Missouri (-9.5)
San Jose State at Arkansas (-21)
Notre Dame at Georgia (-13.5)

$$$$$$$$
The Nice Bookie

My friend Wes: $1026.58
Call the IRS: $1099.00

Week thrice and the bookie is nice

A truly reprehensible slate of games. I don't understand why the SEC does it like this. Wouldn't it make more sense to have at least one potentially big game each week? I am confident it could be done without making the schedule unfairly difficult for anyone.

Arkansas St. (+33): big line

Mississippi St. (-8.5): I think. The Bulldogs. Have a. Little something. For 'em.

South Carolina (+25.5): What a foolish decision. I feel like I've not gotten a good handle on Alabama so far.

Colorado St. (+10): Yuck!

Auburn (-35) This seems like a tremendously big line, but I didn't realize how terrible Kent State is. I've never felt more like a big line would be exactly met than this one, which I predict will end 41-6.

Florida (-8.5): Game of the .... weak! [chortling]

$$$$$$$$$$
Beach Boys voice: book book book, book bookie's nice
$$$$$$$$$$

I'm back barely past square one, which after last season seems like improvement. $1038 to spend.

$55 to win $50 on Florida-Kentucky going over 48 points.
$11 to win $10 on Kansas-Mississippi State going over 52 points.
$200 to win one beautiful dollar on Auburn beating Kent State.

Week 333-3333 Sponsored by the Vance Law Firm "Dial '3' for Me!"

These picks might as well be sand, waves, sunbathers, and floating garbage... because they're "shore" things!

Georgia -33  Speaking of dawgs, Dana got a hair cut. It is jarring how small she is and distressing to think back to all the times she's kicked my a*s.

Kansas St. +8.5  I am going to "stan" this game because it is "big mood."

Alabama -25.5  It's time for the big boys to flex their muscles. Story time! When Alabama lost at South Carolina in 2010, I was at a wedding in Kentucky (at "My Old Kentucky Home" State Park to be exact) and we were watching updates on our phones. Can you believe that? Then later Auburn played - get this - Kentucky! We were able to watch the end of the game on tv and there were some Kentucky fans who were super confused as to why Auburn was slowly moving the ball down the field at the end of the game rather than trying to score very quickly and leave time on the clock. Later, I threw a beer can at some gravestone and said "take this, you dead a**hole!" The moral of this story is that it is a crazy time to be alive what with the smart phones and all.

Arkansas -10  Big time revenge game here.

Kent St. +35  Auburn isn't going to score 35 points.

Kentucky +8.5  Charles have I ever told you the story about the time I was at a wedding in Kentucky?

---

$$$

Time to grind. I'm not proud of this; I don't enjoy this. But a man has to make a living. A father has to provide for his family. And dammit, a player has absolutely got to play.
Nice Bookie, give me $930.31 on Alabama at -3500. I stand to win $26.58.

Week 3E

Last Week (Overall):

Head Of The Class: 4-5-1 (7-14-1)
Head Up His A*s: 5-4-1 (10-11-1)

Breathtaking.

This week like half the conference plays 1AA teams. How embarrassing. Week Three is the new Week Two, I reckon.

Arkansas St. @ Georgia (-33)

Kansas St. @ Mississippi St. (-8.5)

Alabama (-25.5) @ South Carolina

Colorado St. @ Arkansas (-10)

Kent Read Kent Write Kent State @ Auburn (-35)

Florida (-8.5) @ Kentucky

---

$$$ Verry Niiiiice Bookie: $$$

The Man With The Plan: $1,038.00
The Man Getting Canned: $1,000.00

I got the horses in the back, week two picks on rack

Missouri (-14) What in tarnation?
Vanderbilt (+7) Purdue in a 17-14 kind of game.
Southern Miss (+17). I went back and changed this because I'd picked too many favorites. That's stupid. But, I'm thinking Mississississippi State got a "wake up call" last week.
Clemson (-17.5) sure
Alabama (-55) The only thing worse than this game having a line is that I think Alabama will cover easily. I might have taken Alabama -62.
Tennessee (-3.5) lmao
Auburn (-18): you. better. believe it.
Kentucky (-14.5) seems wrong
LSU (-5.5) I think this is going to be higher scoring than expected.
Old Mist (-6.5) The rebs didn't get off to a great start, but Portland State!

A REAL NICE BOOKIE

$937.00 to wager!

$55 to win $50 on LSU vs. Texas going over 55
$55 to win $50 on Arkansas vs. Old Mist going under 51
$750 to win $1 on Alabama beating New Mexico State. Am I reading that right? Sure.

A Captain Makes Some Picks: Very Special "Mama's Spicy Little Meatball" Edition

Time to blow a lead, baby.

West F****** V**gin*a +14  The more I think about it, this isn't that weird. But that's because I'm a moron.

Purdew -7  Unrelated so I don't say something unsavory about the cancer kid: Remember the infamous mouth-breather Dave Ragone? What's he up to? UPDATE: He's been the QB coach for the Chicago Bears since 2016 with previous stops with the Titans and R**s**ns.

Mississippi St. -17  woooof woof.

TAMU +17.5  This can't be right.

New Mexico St +55  Come on.

Tennessee -3.5  If Jeremy Pruitt heard the mean things you've been saying about him, he'd flip his lid.

Auburn -18   Serious Question: Will Bo Nix get only one statue outside the stadium, or one for each Heisman?

Kentucky -14.5   Serious Question: Have I pointed out that it is called Kroger Field?

Texas +5.5  Texas is back.

Arkansas +6.5   Arkansas is back.

---

Time to blow a different lead, baby.

1. $904.14 on Auburn (twist!!!) at -950. I stand to win $95.17.
2. $168.92 on Texas at +210. I stand to win $354.73.

If Auburn and LSU win, I'll still have my precious $1,000. If Auburn loses, I will have significantly less than that.

it's a week two remember

A heroic nobleman: 5-7
A loutish peasant: 3-9

Great!

Feast yer eyes on these winners. This gets easier later in the season when there are more intraconference games. At least there are some nonsense payday games without lines.

West Virginia at Missouri (-14)
Vanderbilt at Purdue (-7)
Southern Miss at Miss State (-17)
TAMU at Clemson (-17.5)
New Mexico State at Alabama (-55)
BYU at Tennessee (-3.5)
Twolane at Auburn (-18)
Eastern Michigan at Kentucky (-14.5)
LSU (-5.5) at Texas
Arkansas at Old Mist (-6.5)

Unloved: Charleston Southern at South Carolina, Murray State at Georgia, UT Martin at Florida

$$$$$$$

The people's champion: $1073.75
The people's chumpion: $937.00

A mi manera

It's real week one week one week one week one week one

I'm very excited to start the season and lose to Tha Cap'n again.

Texas St. (+33.5) big line

Toledo (+11.5) Actual football analysis for this one: Kentucky working out the kinks with a new-look offense to start the year. Guaranteed to be one of the games I miss.

Memphis (-5.5) Memphis might be my non-major team to keep up with this year. They just seem like a good pick.

Mississippi St. (-21) why not?

Duke (+34.5) dumb

South Carolina (-7.5) more like .... more like .... more like musCHUMP, am I right?

Tennessee (-26) Regretting this pick already. I do enjoy the idea of someone that's a huge Georgia State and Tennessee fan (growing up in Sandy Plains, Georgia, they went to GAST for undergrad and Tennessee for graduate school at the Haslam College of Business) just absolutely frothing at the mouth for this one and losing a mortgage payment when a kicker misses a field goal because he's hung over and worried he got a venereal disease the night before.

Georgia (-20.5) dumb. Too many schools named Georgia this week.

LSU (-28) If they can't cover for a bird poop cocaine quarterback controversy, GASOU can't cover against LSU.

Auburn (-3.5) I YEEHAWIN' BELIEVE that Auburn will lose five games this year, but not Oregon

Missouri (-17.5) Missouri cleaning up the crucial Wyoming recruiting grounds.

***

A NICE BOOKIE ALERT

***

Bankroll: $NINE NINE NINE

$55 to win $50 on Alabama-Duke going over 56.5 points seems probable to me. Alabama just lost their best defensive player, and that line seems kind of low anyway. 

$300 to win $2 for Alabama to beat Duke. That seems like a good bet.

$9 to win $100 on Vanderbilt to beat Georgia seems, contrariwise, like a worthwhile risk.

A Captain Makes Some Picks: Week One

Just like breakfast is the most important of the thirteen meals I eat every day, Week One is absolutely vital. The person leading after Week One has never lost in the grand and storied history of this great competish. So lets get at it, eh.

Hey, does anybody need to raise or lower boats, ships, or other watercraft between stretches of water at different levels on rivers or canals because here are some LOCKS:

Texas St. +33.5  Do you believe in miracles?

Kentucky -11.5  Kroger Field. It's called Kroger Field.

Old Mist +5.5  Old Mist was 2-9 ATS last season. I can feel my brain smoothening.

Mississippi St. -21  Not liking this anymore.

Duke +34.5  I'm sorry it's just so many points.

North Carolina +7.5  Almost made a bet on UNC to win. But I'm too scared!

Tennessee -26   The only "Ten I See" is the number of points by which Tennessee will actually win, damning me to the depths of despair.

Georgia -20.5  I actually think Georgia will win by exactly 20.5 points.

Georgia Southern +28  LSU always has a screw around game where they practice being useless. This assures that when they play Alabama, they will have perfected it.

Oregon +3.5  Duh.

Wyoming +17.5  In my warped perception of football reality, Missouri always starts the season slowly then gets going later. Is this true? I don't know. I don't know if such a statement can be true. What is truth? What are birds?

---

A humble wager: $1,000.31 on Georgia straight up at -1375. I stand to win $72.75. I hope I lose and I'm just playing with cents for the rest of the season.

Extremely Week and Incredibly One: Lines

Flyin' out of the gates.

Cheeze: 0-1
Wheeze: 0-1

Now, feast your eyes on these:

Texas St. @ Texas A&M (-33.5)

Toledo @ Kentucky (-11.5)

Old Mist @ Memphis (-5.5)

Mississippi St. (-21) vs UL-Lafayette [at the SuperDome for some reason]

Duke vs Alabama (-34.5) [at the Atlanta ButtholeDome]

South Carolina (-7.5) vs North Carolina [at the CharlotteDome]

Georgia St. @ Tennessee (-26) [at Tennessee's normal stadium like a normal game]

Georgia (-20.5) @ Vanderbilt

Georgia Southern @ LSU (-28)

Oregon vs Auburn (-3.5) [CowboyDome yeehaw]

Missouri (-17.5) @ Wyoming

---

The World's Nicest Bookie:

Big C: $999.00
Lil Dubs: $1,001.00

In your face!

Week zero was invented by ancient Indian mathmeticians, but Mesoamericans probably also discovered it

IT'S BACK BABY. Very exciting. I cannot remember how I did stuff.

Florida (-7.5) My favorite football game I ever attended was the 2001 Florida-Auburn game, in which a mediocre Auburn team started the Tommy Tuberville special of taking bad Auburn teams and beating much better ones, especially Florida. At halftime, my dad and I sat down and decided that Auburn having a halftime lead was enough for us to be happy with the outcome of the game, no matter what happened. Prince Damon's game-winning field goal! Look at this awful CFL photo:

The Nice Bookie:

With a storm a-brewing, I'll bet $11 on the game to go under 47, and $11 on Florida to cover the 7.5. If I win both, I get $20! If I'm half right, I get -$1! What a foolish decision.

Why settle for a Week Zero when you could get with a Weak Zero (me)

Focusing all of my energy on this one pick.

Florida -7.5 It won't be close but it won't be a blowout. It will just be terrible to watch.

---

Why not, huh? Let's get the bills slingin!

I will just this once repeat myself: I expect this game to be terrible. Gimme $1.10 on Under 47.5 points at -110. I stand to win one crisp dollar.

welcome back football, you awful, spiteful abomination

I won last year, let's all remember that. I am remembering it right now. Before that, you won twice! We can both puff out our chests proudly. I'm puffing my chest right now.

2016
Chark Week: 50-45-2
Wes Weak: 44-51-2

2017
Charles de Gaulle: 49-46-3
Wes the Bald: 45-50-3

2018
Charlie Hustle: 48-48-0, $299.70
Wesley Mussel: 52-44-0, $1,326.95

---

But enough about the past. History is stupid.

The rules this year are the same, I guess. We pick all non-1AA SEC games against the spread. We each start with $1,000 (real dollars this year, not) and we each have to wager 25% of our current bankroll each week (excluding week 0). You can get the odds from any remotely reputable sportsbook. Picks should be in Thursdays at 5 pm.

Week 0 (zero):
Miami (Florida) vs Florida (Florida) (-7.5) @ Orlando (Florida)

You're free to wager your fake money this week but you don't have to. The Nice Bookie won't make you.

Let the games begin!

Scared to death, scared to look, they shook, cause ain't no such things as halfway crooks

health is a skill

Prior to his success toting the rock on the gridiron, Kenny's passion in his formative years was cascading through the skies in a hot air balloon with his father, Gerald. Kenny became the youngest balloon pilot in New Jersey history to complete a transcontinental voyage in 1992, when at the age of 9 he trekked alone from his home state to Palo-alto California, isolated in the basket of his airborne vehicle he named "Tabitha." Kenny eventually drifted away from his passion of skyward transportation at the age of 13 when he broke the Garden State Pop Warner league record for single season rush yards with 6,969 in his final campaign before wreaking havoc in the high school ranks.

Kenny Irons, accessed August 6, 2019

Here I am, and in this city, with a fistful of dollars, and baby, you'd better believe

on this day in 1985

Female eyes

What's the best song about women with different kinds of eyes? Sound off in the comments or call in now to cast your vote.

Then you find you're back in Vegas with a handle in your hand

Lasagna Cat

How in the heck have we gone eleven years on this blog and not had Lasagna Cat? I love Lasagna Cat. It is impossible that this has happened.



What is the point of this website? What are we even doing here.

So much rhythm, grace, and debonair from one man, Lord

Freedoom

For our readers who lack a modern gaming console, you can get a free version of Doom called, you guessed it, Freedoom. You know your least favorite levels from Doom and Doom II? What if you could get a game that was mostly those, without the personality of the original game? You can!

¿Dónde estás, matador?

i am trying to find a way

to post on here how my dogs smell right now but i cant

Grew up from East Atlanta, but stand my ground like it's Florida

Radio goo goo

check it out, a wolf

going faster than a roller coaster

this here's a jam for all the fellas

Because I always had to take an old cold tater and wait

very special "hey why not here's another score board" edition 2018 3E bowl pick them score board

How about that, huh. Three (E) Peat baby.

The seven power points you could potentially make up in The Game That Didn't Happen can't save you. Don't even try to tell me it could save you.

This is the most ever losses by a winner. It is the fewest wins by a winner and worst win pct in agreed games since 2010. These are the two lowest confidence point %s ever. These are things you shouldn't put on a CV.

tie breakers by tha captain

these could be wrong... but they just might be right!

1. first td: alabama this is a no brainer
2. first fg: clemson?
3. first recovered fumble: alabama this is a brainer
4. first defense to intercept: you would think it would be the defense going against the freshman qb but no. tuba will get cocky. clemson
5. leading at half time: alabama

digit sum: 15 seems like a 30something to 30something type affair and the second digits should have an expected value of like 4.5 each.

tiebreakers part dos

1. The first team to score a touchdown: ALABAMA
2. The first team to kick a field goal: CLEMSON
3. The first team to recover an opponent's fumble: ALABAMA
4. The first team to intercept an opponent's pass: ALABAMA
5. The team which will be leading at halftime: ALABAMA

ULTRA TIEBREAKER: 15

TIEBREAKERS?

Tentative tiebreaker list, relevant to the college football national title game between teams-which-shall-not-be-named.

1. The first team to score a touchdown
2. The first team to kick a field goal
3. The first team to recover an opponent's fumble
4. The first team to intercept an opponent's pass
5. The team which will be leading at halftime

ULTRA TIEBREAKER: The total of all numbers in the final score, added together; thus, a score of 14-20 would be a total of 7 (seven).

Very Special "A Father's Work Is Never Done" Edition 2018 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

Look, I don't have a lot of time.

Charlemagne:
20-13 (8-6)
387/616, 62.8%
LPM: 60

Captainmagne:
18-15 (6-8)
376/630, 59.7%
LPM: 31

5 games left, 32 possible outcomes.

• 8 outcomes where Iowa and Ohio St. win. I would win confidence and the w/l would go to our undetermined tiebreaker. The results of the other three games would not matter. 
• 4 outcomes where Mississippi St., UCF, and Ohio St. win. I would win confidence and you would win w/l. The beloved split. The results of the other two games would not matter*.
• The remaining 20 outcomes would result in you winning both portions.

So, the Kentucky-PSU and Georgia-Texas games have no effect on either part of the pick them*. If Washington beats Ohio St., you win both portions regardless of all other games. You can clinch both parts before that if Mississippi St. and LSU win.

*The Curse of the 1st Responders Bowl: We agreed on the result of this wayward game (Boise over BC), but you had 7 more points riding on it. So, any outcome today where I win confidence by 7 or fewer points could potentially be overturned if we decided to determine the winner of a game that didn't happen. There are 2 such outcomes: those where Mississippi St., UCF, Ohio St. and Georgia win. The poor Kentucky-PSU game still wouldn't matter.

EXTREMELY Very Special "Totally Ready For This" Edition 2018 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

There were only supposed to be two games yesterday. Big mix up at the corporate office. Let us never speak of it again.

Last 'board for a while I reckon. Because of baby.

Very Special "Ye Olde Asse Blasteing" Edition 2018 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

Dang, this is nastay. The records are within reach. Eye of the tiger, Charles.

Very Special "Ted 'Cherry' Bundy" Edition 2018 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

I'm going to tweet "Ted 'Frisco' Bundy" during tonight's game.

Ok, so I'm not going to make a 'board every day and I'm probably going to change the picture eventually (maybe). But excellence deserves recognition! As far as I can tell through a minimally rigorous investigation, 6-0 is the best ever start to a Pick Them. We are all witnesses.

Hoo baby, that's a hot tamale.

And I think if there's one thing that sports and perhaps life in general teaches us is that it is always good to get way, way ahead of yourself. As the old saying goes, "You'll have exactly as many chickens as you have un-hatched eggs."

So in that spirit, let's recall all the records (previously labeled "unbreakable" by the liberal, Soros-backed media) that are 100% sure to be absolutely demolished this year:

• Most Total Wins: 26 (Charles 2012)
• Fewest Total Losses: 9 (Charles 2012)
• Total Win Pct: 74.3% (Charles 2012)
• Margin of Victory: 7 games (Charles 2012)
• Most CRISIS Wins: 12 (Charles 2012)
• Fewest CRISIS Losses: 2 (Charles 2009)
• CRISIS Win Pct: 75.0% (Charles 2015)
• Highest Confidence Point Pct: 69.4% (Wes 2016)
• Most Confidence Points: 569 (Wes 2016)
• Largest Confidence Margin: 61 (Wes 2016)

And probably more! What a time to be alive.

Very Special "The First One's Free" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them 2018 Score Board

This could get ugly!

At no point last year did you win 5 games in a row and you only did it once the year before that. Congratulations to "Chalk" Roberts!

LPM is "Largest Possible Margin," i.e. the largest confidence margin by which you can win. When it gets to zero... well, just trust me you don't want that to happen!!

You will notice that the POWER FACTOR no longer has a presenting sponsor. Thanks Obama.

For reffy ref (reference), the POWER FACTOR after Day 1 last year was C+.004. So this is significantly larger than that.

The CRISIS Right

Not the most CRISES ever but a good effort nonetheless (it's the 3rd most, bronze medal baby).

Charles's pick is first because it's the one that is going to win (except Auburn).
The numbo in parentheses is the combined points up for grabs. These are known as POWER POINTS.

12/15
Cure: Tulane v UL Lafayette (11)
Las Vegas: Fresno St. v Arizona St. (37)

12/20
Gasparilla: Marshall v South Florida (19)

12/22
Hawaii: Louisiana Tech v Hawaii (22)

12/26
Quick Lane: Georgia Tech v Minnesota (14)
Cheez-It: TCU v Cal (16)

12/27
Independence: Temple v Duke (32)
Pinstripe: Miami v Wisconsin (43)
Texas: Vanderbilt v Baylor (17)

12/28:
Music City: Auburn v Purdue (32)

12/31
Military: Cincinnati v Virginia Tech (32)
Redbox: Oregon v Michigan St. (18)
Liberty: Missouri v Oklahoma St. (17)
Holiday: Utah v Northwestern (29)

1/1
Outback: Mississippi St. v Iowa (21)
Rose: Washington v Ohio St. (50)

---

Here are all the games ranked by POWER POINTS (as above, the combined points wagered in CRISIS games or the difference in wagers in agreed games). POWER POINTS are the driving force behind the POWER FACTOR.

For all games, the winner that would benefit you is listed first. For CRISES that's pretty clear. For agreed games: if you have more points on the line, a shared win benefits you so our mutual pick is listed first. If I have more wagered, you benefit if we lose.

1. Rose: Washington v Ohio St, 50 POWER POINTS
2. Pinstripe: Miami v Wisconsin, 43
3. Las Vegas: Fresno St. v Arizona St., 37
4. Independence: Temple v Duke, 32
4. Music City: Auburn v Purdue, 32
4. Military: Cincinnati v Virginia Tech, 32
7. Holiday: Utah v Northwestern, 29
8. Frisco: Ohio v San Diego St., 23
9. Hawaii: Louisiana Tech v Hawaii, 22
10. Outback: Mississippi St. v Iowa, 21
10. Gator: NC State v TAMU, 21
12. Gasparilla: Marshall v South Florida, 19
13. Redbox: Oregon v Michigan St., 18
14. Texas: Vanderbilt v Baylor, 17
14. Liberty: Missouri v Oklahoma St., 17
14. New Mexico: North Texas v Utah St., 17
17. Cheez-It: TCU v Cal, 16
18. Bahamas: FIU v Toledo, 15
19. Quick Lane: Georgia Tech v Minnesota, 14
19. Camellia: Eastern Michigan v Georgia Southern, 14
19. Sun: Samford v Pitt, 14
22. Dollar General: Buffalo v Troy, 13
22. Peach: Florida v Michigan, 13
24. Camping World: West Virginia v Syracuse, 12
25. Cure: Tulane v UL Lafayette, 11
25. Fiesta: LSU v UCF, 11
27. Boca Raton: UAB v Northern Illinois, 9
27. Potato: Western Michigan v BYU, 9
27. Birmingham: Memphis v Wake Forest, 9
30. 1st Responders: Boise St. v Boston College, 7
30. Sugar: Georgia v Texas, 7
32. Belk: Virginia v South Carolina, 6
32. Cotton: Clemson v Notre Dame, 6
32. Orange: Alabama v Oklahoma, 6
35. Armed Forces: Army v Houston, 3
35. Arizona: Nevada v Arkansas St., 3
37. New Orleans: MTSU v Appalachian St, 2
37. Citrus: Kentucky v Penn St., 2
39. Alamo: Washington St. v Iowa St., 0

Tha Captain's Pix 2018: Daddyblogging, baby!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

powl bicks

New Mexico Bowl:
North Texas vs. Utah State
My pick: UTAH STATE 9

This game has some weird coach stuff around it, with guys not leaving or Utah State hiring their old coach again. Remember Graham Harrell? He is apparently the North Texas offensive coordinator.

Cure Bowl:
Tulane vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
My pick: TULANE 1

sure!

Las Vegas Bowl:
Fresno State vs. Arizona State
My pick: FRESYES STATE 32

For some reason I feel like Fresno State is good this year, and we all know my feelings about Herm Edwards.

Camellia Bowl:
Eastern Michigan vs. Georgia Southern
My pick: GA SOUTHERN 5

I like Georgia Southern.

New Orleans Bowl:
Middle Tennessee State vs. Appalachian State
My pick: APP STATE 33

Same as LVB above, for some reason I feel like Appy is good this year.

Boca Raton Bowl:
Northern Illinois vs. UAB
My pick: UAB 23

GO BLAZAHS

Frisco Bowl:
Ohio vs. San Diego State
My pick: SAN DIEGO STATE 2

Don't like Ohio, never have. San Diego State featured Gorgeous Al Borges at one point.

Gasparilla Bowl:
South Florida vs. Marshall
My pick: WE ARE MARSHALL 4

It's a home game for USF, so Marshall is more hopped up. Not sure about this one. But:

Gaaaaaasparilla is the place to bowl
It's a fun place to escape the cold
South Florida is the bulls, no bird,
But as for me my pick will be the Herd
dun dun dun dun dun dun

Bahamas Bowl:
FIU vs. Toledo
My pick: TOLEDO 19

Rockets!

Potato Bowl:
Western Michigan vs. BYU
My pick: BYU 30

POE TAY TOE

Birmingham Bowl:
Memphis vs. Wake Forest
My pick: MEMPHIS 38

dilly dilly

Armed Forces Bowl:
Houston vs. Army
My pick: ARMY 26

Incredibly unfair for this contest to happen in Texas, but also incredibly unfair for it to be named after one of the participants, so it is probably even.

Dollar General Bowl:
Buffalo vs. Troy
My pick: TROY 14

Dollar General Bowl

Hawaii Bowl:
Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii
My pick: LA TECH 6

It's the more exciting trip for the Men of Ruston.

First Responder Bowl:
Boston College vs. Boise State
My pick: BOISE 31

What an idiotic name. Boise! Also, never liked BC.

Quick Lane Bowl:
Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech
My pick: TECH 8

Winning one for the gipper or whatever. I liked Paul Johnson even though, generally speaking, I dislike Georgia Tech in most regards save comparison to their neighbors, who are even more loathsome.

Cheez-It Bowl:
TCU vs. Cal
My pick: TCU 3

Horned frogs is a really cool mascot. I don't like the outfit, the design of the head I guess in particular, but I like the logo and I like the connection.

Independence Bowl:
Duke vs. Temple
My pick: TEMPLE 20

of doom! I have no idea how this ended up at this confidence ranking. I did the "big list of all the games and move them around until you're tired of it" thing, and this resulted in a middling spot.

Pinstripe Bowl:
Miami vs. Wisconsin
My pick: MIAMI 15

A pick that goes against what I actually think, I think, but I don't care for Wisconsin.

Texas Bowl:
Vanderbilt vs. Baylor
My pick: VANDY 10

This seems like it will be a lower-tier conference match up in a few years.

Music City Bowl:
Purdue vs. Auburn
My pick: AWBURN 24

More like Purdon't, am I right? Guys? Hello? Is anyone out there? Why is getting so cold?

Camping World Bowl:
Syracuse vs. West Virginia
My pick: WEST VIRGINNY 21

So, WVU's starting quarterback isn't going to play, so this line is way different from when I first posted. But my boy Holgo is going to pull this out anyway.

Alamo Bowl:
Washington State vs. Iowa State
My pick: WAZZU 22

This is another game in which I'm just picking the coach I like better.

Belk Bowl:
Virginia vs. South Carolina
My pick: USC 11

This is a neat little match-up of teams who used to be in the same conference (and still should be).

Peach Bowl:
Florida vs. Michigan
My pick: MINCHINGAN 25

Absolutely awful.

Arizona Bowl:
Nevada vs. Arkansas State
My pick: ARKANSAS STATE 17

I wish the SEC would kick out Arkansas and invite Arkansas State instead. All of the games on December 29 start within an hour and fifteen minutes of each other, which is cool.

Cotton Bowl:
Clemson vs. Notre Dame
My pick: CLEMSON 37

Hard to believe this isn't the worst playoff ever, but it's not.

Orange Bowl:
Alabama vs. Oklahoma
My pick: alabama 36

I mean, come on. The shootout element makes it less certain, but it's still a certain thing in this hateful world.

Military Bowl:
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
My pick: CINCINNATI 28

Even more so than the Armed Forces Bowl, it's an outrage that Cincinnati, named after the famous Roman general Cincinnatus, should be in the Military Bowl. It's practically home field advantage! If I were just guessing I would have assumed VT was a favorite, but it turns out Cincinnati has been pretty good this year. Virginia Tech has been, uh, less so.

Sun Bowl:
Pitt vs. Stanford
My pick: SAMFORD 35

This game is the pits. I said it! The pits!

Redbox Bowl:
Oregon vs. Michigan State
My pick: OREGONE 7

This makes me nostalgic for the Blockbuster Bowl, which is apparently now the Camping World Bowl and which I thought started longer ago than it did. Anyway, this is a football game. These teams seem to meet a lot, right?

Liberty Bowl:
Missouri vs. Oklahoma State
My pick: MISSOURI 16

I think Missouri is the better team and will win, but it's weird that the line is this big.

Holiday Bowl:
Utah vs. Northwestern
My pick: UTAH 27

I don't think Northwestern is very good.

Gator Bowl:
N.C. State vs. Texas A&M
My pick: TAMU 12

Jimbo is a dumb name for an adult human being. The best animal to be named Jimbo is of course the humble chimpanzee, followed closely by the hippopotamus and then, a more distant third, the skunk.

Outback Bowl:
Mississippi State vs. Iowa
My pick: MISSISSISSIPPI STATE 18

Two months from now, I will have no memory that this game, which I will probably watch, ever happened.

Citrus Bowl:
Penn State vs. Kentucky
My pick: PENN STATE 34

This has got "final score of 17-9" written all over it.

Fiesta Bowl:
LSU vs. UCF
My pick: LSU 29

I feel like an idiot for picking this, but after last year, it's impossible that UCF sneaks up on somebody again. Plus, this is kind of a different season end for LSU than it was for Auburn last year.

Rose Bowl:
Ohio State vs. Washington
My pick: WASHINGTON 13

Pretend I am barking like a husky dog.

Sugar Bowl:
Georgia vs. Texas
My pick: uga 39

Nope.

A distant bell peals a ominous, mournful note...

IT BEGINS

BOWL PICK THEM 2018 IS NIGH UPON US. KISS YOUR CHILDREN AND PRAY TO YOUR GOD, FOR THE BOWL PICK THEM WILL NOT BE MERCIFUL TO WE SINNERS IN THIS FALLEN AGE.

THE ANCIENT PAST:
2008
Charles: 22-12 (9)
Captain: 19-15 (6)

2009
Charles: 18-16 (3)
Captain: 17-17 (2)

2010
Charles: 21-14 (8)
Captain: 17-18 (4)

2011
Charles: 22-13 (8)
Captain: 19-16 (5)

2012
Charles: 26-9 (12)
Captain: 19-16 (5)

2013
Charles: 18-17 (4)
Captain: 22-13 (8)

2014
Charles: 23-15 (11)
Captain: 20-18 (8)

2015
Charles: 26-14 (9)
Captain: 20-20 (3)

2016
Charles: 23-17 (6)
Captain: 24-16 (7)

2017
Charles: 23-16 (5) SLASH 482/780 (61.8%)
Captain: 24-15 (6) SLASH 481/780 (61.7%)

THE GLORIOUS FUTURE:

SUBMIT PICKS WITH A CONFIDENCE RANKING (1 IS LEAST CONFIDENT AND HOWEVER MANY BOWLS THERE ARE IS MOST CONFIDENT) ON FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, AT 4:00 PM CENTRAL TIME. DO NOT HESITATE TO THRUST THE KNIFE.

TRULY WE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DESCEND TO THE GRAY ANNIHILATION BEGIN OUR JOURNEY WITH NEW MEXICO.

New Mexico Bowl (Dec. 15): North Texas vs. Utah State (-11), 2 p.m. ET
Cure Bowl (Dec. 15): Tulane (-4.5) vs. Louisiana-Lafayette, 2:30 p.m. ET
Las Vegas Bowl (Dec. 15): Fresno State (-3) vs. Arizona State, 3:30 p.m. ET
Camellia Bowl (Dec. 15): Eastern Michigan (pick'em) vs. Georgia Southern, 5:30 p.m. ET
New Orleans Bowl (Dec. 15): Middle Tennessee State vs. Appalachian State (-7.5), 9 p.m. ET
Boca Raton Bowl (Dec. 18): Northern Illinois vs. UAB (-2.5), 7 p.m. ET
Frisco Bowl (Dec. 19): Ohio (-5.5) vs. San Diego State, 8 p.m. ET
Gasparilla Bowl (Dec. 20): South Florida vs. Marshall (-3), 8 p.m. ET
Bahamas Bowl (Dec. 21): FIU vs. Toledo (-6), 12:30 p.m. ET
Potato Bowl (Dec. 21): Western Michigan vs. BYU (-8), 4 p.m. ET
Birmingham Bowl (Dec. 22): Memphis (-2) vs. Wake Forest, noon ET
Armed Forces Bowl (Dec. 22): Houston vs. Army (-5), 3:30 p.m. ET
Dollar General Bowl (Dec. 22): Buffalo (-2.5) vs. Troy, 7 p.m. ET
Hawaii Bowl (Dec. 22): Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii (-2.5), 10:30 p.m. ET
First Responder Bowl (Dec. 26): Boston College vs. Boise State (-4), 1:30 p.m. ET
Quick Lane Bowl (Dec. 26): Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech (-3), 5:15 p.m. ET
Cheez-It Bowl (Dec. 26): TCU vs. Cal (-1.5), 9 p.m. ET
Independence Bowl (Dec. 27): Duke vs. Temple (-3.5), 1:30 p.m. ET
Pinstripe Bowl (Dec. 27): Miami (-3.5) vs. Wisconsin, 5:15 p.m. ET
Texas Bowl (Dec. 27): Vanderbilt (-7.5) vs. Baylor, 9 p.m. ET
Music City Bowl (Dec. 28): Purdue vs. Auburn (-5), 1:30 p.m. ET
Camping World Bowl (Dec. 28): Syracuse vs. West Virginia (-7.5), 5:15 p.m. ET
Alamo Bowl (Dec. 28): Washington State (-7) vs. Iowa State, 9 p.m. ET
Belk Bowl (Dec. 29): Virginia vs. South Carolina (-7), noon ET
Peach Bowl (Dec. 29): Florida vs. Michigan (-6), noon ET
Arizona Bowl (Dec. 29): Nevada vs. Arkansas State (-1.5), 1:15 p.m. ET
Cotton Bowl (Dec. 29): Clemson (-11.5) vs. Notre Dame, 4 p.m. ET
Orange Bowl (Dec. 29): Alabama (-14) vs. Oklahoma, 8 p.m. ET
Military Bowl (Dec. 31): Cincinnati (-6.5) vs. Virginia Tech, noon ET
Sun Bowl (Dec. 31): Pitt vs. Stanford (-6.5), 2 p.m. ET
Redbox Bowl (Dec. 31): Oregon vs. Michigan State (pick'em), 3 p.m. ET
Liberty Bowl (Dec. 31): Missouri (-12.5) vs. Oklahoma State, 3:45 p.m. ET
Holiday Bowl (Dec. 31): Utah (-7) vs. Northwestern, 7 p.m. ET
Gator Bowl (Dec. 31): N.C. State vs. Texas A&M (-3.5), 7:30 p.m. ET
Outback Bowl (Jan. 1): Mississippi State (-3.5) vs. Iowa, noon ET
Citrus Bowl (Jan. 1): Penn State (-2.5) vs. Kentucky, 1 p.m. ET
Fiesta Bowl (Jan. 1): LSU (-7) vs. UCF, 1 p.m. ET
Rose Bowl (Jan. 1): Ohio State (-6) vs. Washington, 5 p.m. ET
Sugar Bowl (Jan. 1): Georgia (-13) vs. Texas, 8:45 p.m. ET

congrats to the captain

Congratulations to the double victory, much deserved for Our Noble Capn. Here's how the whole world feels about that victory and especially about the outcomes of this SEC season:

I did it, I won

It's too terrible to even consider picking the one remaining SEC Game. Yes, just the thought of Akron playing South Carolina fills me with dread and disgust.

The Lovable Loser: 5-4 (48-48)
The Loathsome Winner: 6-3 (52-44)

---

The Humble Pauper: $299.70
The Haughty Prince: $1,326.95

See you in the funny papers!

out, out brief pick them!

I feel like I've certainly strutted and fretted my hour upon the stage.


Old Mist +10  I didn't watch or see the score of the Mississippi State game last week (not even sure who they played). How did it go?

 

Arkansas +22.5   I didn't watch or see the score of the Arkansas game last week (not even sure who they played). How did it go?

 

Florida -5  Seems low to my galaxy brain.

 

Georgia -17  Charles, you KNOW I am sensitive to triple option teams doing well as big underdogs... BUT!

 

Alabama -24.5  barf barf barf I'm barfin man

 

Tennessee +3.5  Here I go again with my Tennessee bullshit.

 

South Carolina +26   A comfortable but not overwhelming win for DadBod.

 

Kentucky -17  Whether you think you can-tucky or you cant-tucky, you're right-tucky.

 

LSU +2.5  This line is... weird?

 

---

Well I suppose I should give you a shot. Obviously, I hope my continued idiotic wagering behavior is finally punished.

1)  Every last cent on the inevitable at -2750. I stand to win $46.56.

Fantastic Picks and Where to Find Them: The Tris of Epsilon

Old Mist (+10) I'd have put the line at 8.

Arkansas (+22.5) Seems like a big line

Florida (-5) It's hard to get a handle on Florida this season.

Georgia (-17) Georgia Tech's defense isn't good

Auburn (+24.5) Seems like a 35-17 kind of game. 

Vanderbilt (-3.5) ????

Clemson (-26) Clemson seems very good. 

Kentucky (-17) Louisville seems very bad, and this might be a give up game. 

LSU (+2.5) This is a dumb end of the year game, a forced rivalry that replaces much better ones. Missouri-TAMU and Arkansas-LSU make a better set of season finale games. Anyway, I don't even know if I think LSU will win, but it seems like they should.


$$$$$$$$

So, with my $649.70, there are two different approaches I could take. Is this a real betting situation, in which I'm trying to protect my actual money? In that case, I don't want to take giant risks. But, if this is a game, and I just want to get back over my initial starting funds, I need to bet something crazy so that I have a chance to get back at least over $1000, and ideally find a wacky bet to win this thing.

$350 on Auburn to cover +24.5 against Alabama.

Pick Em the Thirteenth

The reason for our thanksgivings 5-3 (46-41)

The reason for our misgivings 5-3 ( 43-44)

So close, coming into the final lap here. A tie is my only real hope or desire. 

Missississississississippi State (-10) at Old Mist

Arkansas at Missouri (-22.5)

Florida (-5) at Florida State

Georgia Tech at Georgia (-17)

Auburn at Alabama (-24.5)

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3.5)

South Carolina at Clemson (-26)

Kentucky (-17) at Louisville

LSU at Texas A&M (-2.5)

A "nice bookie":

Capz: $1280.39

Chaz: $649.70

less close! 

bad week--I know what I'm picking, so please stop explaining

This is a bad week of picks, very bad. Only one game looks decent. Humphrey Bogart voice: "We'll always have Nashville." Going with an underdog-heavy strategy; everybody is looking ahead.

Middle Tennessee (+16) Is this a big line?

Arkansas (+20) This seems like a big line to me.

Missouri (-6) I guess? Tennessee surprised many last week, but not me, because I wasn't paying attention. I tried to find some logic in the SEC East results so far, and now I've been committed to a facility for further psychological evaluation.

UMass (+43.5) Whoa boy, this line is big.

Auburn (-28.5) lmao losing this one with gusto

UAB (+16) I BUHLEEV that if UAB's quarterback isn't healthy, I will lose this pick

Rice (+43.5) Good heavens what a line.

Old Mist (+2.5) man, this is a tough pick. I guess I like the Rebs in a shoot out?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

This is the toughest Nice Bookie pick of the year, I think, which means playing a little of the Old Captain.

Cash on hand: $646.37.

I will bet $233.10 on Auburn to win straight up, to win $3.33.

*to the tune of don't speak* dont speak buh doo buh doo buh dooo dooooooo

This has real potential for some football results.


Kentucky -16  I heard they're going to use an oblate spheroid for this one.

Mississippi St. -20  None of the players will be allowed to carry swords.

Tennessee +6  The majority of the players will be hydrating in between plays.

UMass +43.5  Watch out for grass stains, boys.

Liberty +28.5  As a special treat, the jumbotron will be powered by electricity.

TAMU -16  Normal gravity conditions.

Rice +43.5  At the Chancellor's behest, the bands will wait until halftime to march around the playing field.

Vanderbilt -2.5  If you see players spitting on the field, that's ok. They're allowed to do that.

---

MMMMMM.. Money.

1) $318.08 on UGA straight up at -3928. I stand to win $8.10 but I'd trade that $8.10 away in a heartbeat to stop antifa from lighting any more forest fires!!

your light your light your light

composing a rap about pick thems and caves in which "week twelve" will be rhymed with "deep delve"

Charles aka the good Darren from Bewitched: 2-5 (38-41)
Tha Cap aka the bad one: 3-4 (41-38)

Ack. Only two weeks left for me to bungle this.

This slate has a very "week two" personality.


Middle Tennessee @ Kentucky (-16)

Arkansas @ Mississippi State (-20)

Missouri (-6) @ Tennessee

UMass @ Georgia (-43.5)

Liberty @ Auburn (-28.5)

UAB @ Texas A+M (-16)

Rice @ LSU (-43.5)

Old Mist @ Vanderbilt (-2.5)


Alabama, Florida, and South Carolina are dippin into the 1AA pudding. I had forgotten Idaho had "taken the plunge." Fun Fact: Liberty and New Mexico State are playing twice this season which is everything you need to know about college football or sports in general, really.

---

The Very Famous Bookie: "Nice"

Charles: $646.37
Tha Cap: $1,272.29

I am giving you the business here.

*to the tune of don't speak* eleventh week... i know just what i'm pickin

Fact (I'm not here to tell you whether it's fun or not): This is the first week since week eleven in 2016 to feature 7 conference games.

Fun Fact (Believe me, this one is fun): It was the same 7 match-em-ups, ranked below by how much the lines have changed in two years:

7. TAMU - Old Mist: TAMU -10.5 to TAMU -11.5 (1 point)
6. South Carolina - Florida: UF -11.5 to UF -6.5 (5 points)
5. MSU - Alabama: Alabama -30* to Alabama -24.5 (5.5 points)
4. LSU - Arkansas: LSU -7 to LSU -13 (6 points)
3. Vandy - Mizzou: Mizzou -3.5 to Mizzou -17 (13.5 points)
2. Kentucky - Tennessee: Tennessee -13.5 to Kentucky -4 (17.5 points)
1. Auburn - UGA: Auburn -11 ahahahahahhahah to UGA -14.5 (25.5 points)

You went 6-1. I went 2-5. I am confident I can do worse this year. Onward to the picks; dilly dilly!


Florida -6.5  Grrrr Florida's mad.

Vanderbilt +17   Grrrr Vanderbilt's mad.

TAMU -11.5   Grrrr Texas A&M's mad.

Kentucky -4  Tennessee is dead to me. They will probably win.

Mississippi State +24.5   Alabama won at LSU by 29, but sure! They'll beat a significantly worse team at home by less! *severe fetal alcohol syndrome emoji*

Auburn +14.5  Wrong.

LSU -13  100% wrong.

---

now this is paper

1) $524 on The University of UGA straight up at -524; I stand to win (check my math here) $100.


* Remember how 2016 was the best ever Saban Alabama team

Pick 'Em telling the truth and it hurts

Florida (-6.5) this game is gonna make me lose my mind
Vanderbilt (+17) this game is gonna make me go all out
Ole Miss (+11.5)  this game is gonna make me act a fool
Kentucky (-4) this game is gonna make me lose my cool
Mississississippi State (+24.5) What's gon' be the outcome? Let's add up all the factors.
Auburn (+14.5) it's wack, it's twisted
LSU (-13) this one's on Coach O

$$$$$

Now I'm broke! $651.61! And errrbody know!

$158.71 straight up! on Alabama to win $4.76
$10 straight up! on Auburn to win $45

I don't know you from Adam, but if you're gonna make some good picks, please do pick week eleven

The inspiration for stylish Jamaican superstar Shaggy: 3-4 (38-34)
The inspiration for oafish Scooby Doo associate Shaggy: 3-4 (36-36)

so close! Fitting for a week that makes us ask why football ever existed and why it won't go away.

South Carolina at Florida (-6.5)
Vanderbilt at Missourah (-17)
Ole Miss at TAMU (-11.5)
Kentucky (-4) at Tennessee
Mississississippi State at Alabama (-24.5)
Auburn at Georgia (-14.5)
LSU (-13) at Arkansas

-------------------

"a nice bookie": less close

Straight cash: $1172.29
Stale stash: $651.61

(To the tune of "Eye of the Tiger") picks picks picks picks picks picks picks picks picks picks picks

Auburn (-4.5) I BELIEVE that i will have the chance to attend this game

Old Mist (Pick Em!) I guess? I don't think South Carolina is as good as they were.

Georgia (-9.5) This is a real close one. I think Georgia will win something like 20-10.

Florida (-6) I don't know

UNC-Charlotte (+21) This line is hilarious, that I think UNCC will cover is hilarious, and that Tennessee beat Auburn is hilarious

La Tech (+23) Seems like a big line.

ALABAMA (-14.5) Seems like a big line, but fortunately we live in a hellscape which will mercifully be denuded of life by global warming in the next century or so.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"the slice bookie"$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Cash on hand: $711.61. Spending at least $177.90. No games really jump out at me. Gonna borrow "tha captain's special" for part of this one.

$36 on Georgia straight up, to win $10.
$62.50 on Alabama straight up, to win $10.
$80 UNCC-Tennessee will go over 46 points.

*to the tune of don't speak* tenth week... i know just what i'm pickin

ho ho ho, welcome to the Christmas season

Texas A&M +4.5  Blech.

South Carolina  Picking this game is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In the end I literally flipped a coin. It dropped on the floor the first try and I thought I lost it. It was heads (South Carolina). I flipped again and caught it... heads again. That's fate telling me something, baby.

Georgia -9.5  No, this isn't right. Georgia will win but not cover. Whatever. Not changing it!!

Florida -6  This also isn't right.

Tennessee -21  Seems like the sort of thing Tennessee would do.

La Tech +23  Seems like the sort of thing Mississippi St. would do.

LSU +14.5  Alabanana wins a one score game. That one score will be 14-0.

---

Well yeehaw pardners i'm right back where i started. yeehaw

This is what is known as "being stupid:"

1) $999.31 on tua and the boys straight up at -580. I stand to win $172.29.

yeehaw

boss

The Previous Nine Weeks Have All Led To This. That's Right It's Week Ten, Baby

charles, finder of the malaysia plane: 3-2 (33-32)
captain, who lost it in the first place: 2-3 (35-30)

by royal decree, this week's games shall all be played upon fields of football in the length of 100 yards (as the jackdaw flies).

Texas A&M @ Auburn (-4.5)

South Carolina @ Old Mist (Pick Em!) I think the line opened with Old Mist as a slight favorite, but it swung to SC -1. Now I'm seeing some as even, so I'm going with that since I don't think we've ever done it before.

Georgia (-9.5) @ Kentucky

Missouri @ Florida (-6)

UNC-Charlotte @ Tennessee (-21)

La Tech @ Mississippi State (-23)

ALABAMA (-14.5) @ LSU

---

mooo-lahhh i got you all in check (buster rhymes)

charles, the guy who took down the texas tower sniper: $711.61
captain, the guy who incited him to violence in the first place:  *places pinky finger next to mouth* one thooouusand dollars

*to the tune of don't speak* ninth week... i know just what i'm pickin

whoa nelly, these are some TIGHT ones


Arkansas +1  Arkansas is really good. Only I know this.

Georgia -7  remember when we saw two squirrels doing it outside our window before graduation

Missouri -7  Where do Missouri football players get their water? From the Faurot faucet. Thank you.

TAMU +2.5  TAMU can do, but Sartre is smarter.

Tennessee +7.5  The only ten I see? Red Dead Redemption 2's score in the new IGN review.

---

Tha Captain gets confused when his horses aren't in the running.


1) $74.30 on TAMU straight up at +140 to win $104.02

2) $74.31 on Tennessee straight up at +260 to win $193.21

3) $126.39 on Georgia straight up at -260 to win $48.61

Wick Nine Peeks

Arkansas (+1) I got burned by the Commodores last week, but sticking with it.

Georgia (-7) Georgia is mad about losing and covers pretty easy, or Florida will win, are my predictions.

Kentucky (+7) free money

TAMU (+2.5) naturally, needs no explanation

Tennessee (+7.5) guh

$$$$$$$$

I got $675.25 and am looking at a rough week. I have to spend $168.81 Is it time to go big? Do something bold, something flashy? Sort of!

$100 on TAMU-Mississississippi State to go over 43.5 points
$150 on Kentucky to cover (-7)

Week Nein

American Pharaoh: 4-2 (33-27)
American Idiot: 0-6 (30-30)

Not ... not a great week for your boy C, not even mediocre (MMFR voice), but another solid outing for W.

Several teams off this week and lots of tight lines.

Vanderbilt (-1) at Arkansas
Florida v Georgia (-7)
Kentucky at Missouri (-7)
TAMU at Mississippi State (-2.5)
Tennessee at South Carolina (-7.5)

__________________

"the nice bookie" needs no corrections

Captain Fat Stacks: $1100
Charlie Fat Snacks: $655.25

seven A.M. woke in the morning With Hen and caffeine and green and nicotine

would you say eight is ........ enough

Tulsa (+7) If Auburn played Arkansas right now, Auburn would lose, but that doesn't mean Arkansas can cover against Tulsa.

Old Mist (+4) I liked -3 a lot better than -4, which is a weird thing to say.

Tennessee (+28.5) Seems like a big line? Who the heck knows. I'm expecting a nutty 56-35 kind of game.

Memphis (+9.5) nah

Mississiisssipppsiispiss State (+6.5). thanks fella. I'm officially predicting a two-point LSU victory.

Kentucky (-11.5) Finally picking a favorite! I'm less pro-Kentucky than I am anti-Vandy.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

"the lice bookie"

Playin' with $769.80, bettin' at least $192.45, lookin' for a good week to get out of the red.

$150 on Kentucky to cover -11.5 against Vanderbilt
$50 on Alabama-Tennessee to go over 56.5
$10 on Tennessee to win, to win $200

Week Eight season's really flyin by huh

duuuurrrrrrrrrr


Arkansas -7  I don't know why I still think Arkansas is good.

Old Mist +4  *labored breathing*

Alabama -28.5  Oh god

Memphis +9.5   Sure. Picked this to even out my faves/dogs.

LSU -6.5  As often happens, this doesn't look right when I type it out but whatever.

Vanderbilt +11.5  Game will be played at Kroger Field. C'mon man.

---

Imma sling this 12 hundy (really I'm only slinging $1,199.31 but when you're rich it don't matter)

1) $1,083.83 on tua and the boys straight up at -7000. Gimme dat $15.48 baby.

2) Tha Captainz Upset Special: oh you know I had to do it $115.48 on America's Oldest Mist straight up at +170. Lemme hold $196.32 baby.

Week Eight (8): lines lines everywhere some lines

Week Eight. Wherein I not only have to do everyone else's job at work, I also have to do it on the blog.

WoodChuck: 3-3 (30-24)
CaptainSuck: 6-0 (29-25) perfection... it's never quite good enough...

To my smooth brain, these all look like great games.

Tulsa @ Arkansas (-7)

Auburn (-4) @ Old Mist

Alabama (-28.5) @ Tennessee

Memphis @ Missouri (-9.5)

Mississiisssipppsiispiss State {writing it like that because you do} @ LSU (-6.5)

Vanderbilt @ Kentucky (-11.5)

---

The Nice Wookie:

Charbacca: $769.80
Captain Solo: $1200.00 (still excited about how I did that)

lucky number Stefan, that would be a good nickname for someone named Stefan or maybe a Steven but not quite as good

Florida (-7) I feel like Vanderbilt underplays against equal or superior opponents

Tennessee (+15.5) gettin' verrrrrrrrry nervous about this one. If Auburn is going to be remotely good this year, they smash the 45.5 o/u, but they aren't so they won't.

Georgia (-7.5) n- n- n- n- n- nightmare

Texas A&M (-2) sure

Missouri (+28) that's a big ole line!

Old Mist (-6.5) This is a tough pick, I went for the one that's worse for Auburn in terms of the Rebs getting better

$$$$$$$$$$$$

For "the nice bookie" I have only $627.08, so betting at least $156.77. I'm excited to be betting $12 on the SEC title game.

$100 on Florida to cover against Vanderbilt
$50 on Georgia-LSU to go over 50.5 points
$7 on Auburn-Tennessee to go over 45.5 points

Give a Hoot; Make Some Picks

Please do no stare directly at my picks.

Going to put use some images that have, apparently, been on this blog before. It should be pretty clear how each is tied to the respective game. I'm just kidding, they're random.


Florida -7 

Tennessee +15.5

LSU +7.5

Texas A&M -2

Alabama -28

Arkansas +6.5

---

I love to "splash the cash."

1) $1,182.42 on the Alabama Crimson Football Tide to "win straight up" at -7000. I stand to win $16.89.

2) $88.36 on my "Upset Special" of the week: Arkansas to win straight up at +220. I "stand" to win $194.39.

Eventually this has to come back and "bite me in the ass."

Seventh Heaven (tv show)

Another exciting week of football picking action.

Charles: 3-4 (27-21)
Cap: 4-3 (23-25)


Florida (-7) @ Vanderbilt

Tennessee @ Auburn (-15.5)

Georgia (-7.5) @ LSU

Texas A&M (-2) @ South Carolina

Missouri @ Alabama (-28)

Old Mist (-6.5) @ Arkansas

---

The Very Nice Bookie:
Charles: $627.08
Cap: $1,271.47

gator ate your granny

WELCOME TO SPOOKY SEASON

Weak sex. heh heh.


Missouri +1  I've turned on South Carolina.

Arkansas +35  hahaha why

LSU -2.5  mmmm seems wrong now that I typed it

Old Mist -22.5  deadline's comin up gotta say something about this game!!! gaah. I'm sweating bullets here!!! ack!! the clock is ticking so loud in my head its shakin my fillings, man!!! AAAAGGGHHHH. I'm just kidding about most of that, but I am about to leave work. hello future, I am typing this at 4:07!!! ok lets publish this bitch.

TAMU -5.5  Going to continue to doubt the cats until they change the name of their stadium. Kroger Field. c'mon man

Vandy +26.5  *goofy face emoji* I'm a dumb idiot *plummeting stocks emoji*

Mississippi State +3.5  this feels like the breaking point in one of those classic auburn disaster seasons. luckily I will be in a public place (Mexican bistro) as this unfolds.

---

Because it was so fun I'm going to do something fun again. I have $1205.65 (not real!) and I will responsibly hold back the traditional 69 cents "just in case."

1) $1,175.79 on those stinky Georgia bull dogs to win straight up at +5000. I stand to win $23.52.
2) $29.17 on those stinky Mississippi State bull dogs to win straight up at +145. I stand to win $42.30.

woof woof! those bull dogs are barking!

pumpkin spice season picks!

South Carolina (-1) seems right (3 tablespoons cinnamon)
Arkansas (+35) It looks like Arkansas is getting better? This is not a nice bookie game. (2 teaspoons ginger)
LSU (-2.5) I was real hopped up to take the under on this no matter what, but ~43 is so low! gonna do it anyway (2 teaspoons nutmeg)
Ole Miss (-22.5) sure (1.5 teaspoon allspice)
Kentucky (+5.5) I BELIEVE. WILDCATS (1.5 teaspoon cloves)
Vandy (+26.5) man I don't know (mix it up really nice)
Auburn (-3.5) I can't wait for Auburn to lose this game 6-4 (now you've got some pumpkin spice)

---------

"the nice bookie":  $850.08 means betting at least $212.52.

$60 on LSU-Florida to go under $43.5
$110 on LSU straight up over Florida, to win $135
$20 on ULM-Old Mist to go under 76
$33 on Kentucky straight up over TAMU, to win $55.50

week six take pix

A whiz in the sheets: 3-4 (18-23)
A dog dropping beats: 6-1 (24-17)

ack!

Missouri at South Carolina (-1)
Alabama (-35) at Arkansas
LSU (-2.5) at Florida
UL-Monroe at Ole Miss (-22.5)
Kentucky at TAMU (-5.5)
Vandy at Georgia (-26.5)
Auburn (-3.5) at Mississississippi State

ack! ack!

"the nice bookie":

future Biff: $1205.65
current Stiff: $850.08

(angrily jumping out of my chair) What is this crap?

Them games is some nonsense.

UL-Lafayette (+49) who bets this line

Arkansas (+21) TAMU is a lot better than Arkansas, but this seems like a big line

Tennessee (+32) Georgia is a lot better than Tennessee, but this seems like a big line

Southern Miss (+27) Auburn is a lot better than Southern Miss, but this seems like a big line

Florida (+7.5) RIP Jefferson Pilot Sports

Kentucky (-2) It's pretty cool that this is the best game of the week

Old Mist (+12) picking a whole buncha dogs tonight

____

I got $836.44 for the nice bookie.

$100 on Southern Miss at Auburn to go under 53.5 points
$100 on Georgia-Tennessee to go over 52 points
$25 on LSU-Ole Miss to go over 59.5

Five for betting (like five for fighting?) sure. but wrong.

Siri show me a bunch of garbage

Alabama -49  This will probably be wrong, but then again maybe it won't. But it will.

Texas A&M -21  Man I don't know. This is also probably wrong. Whatever.

Tennessee +32  I keep doing this for some reason. Wrong.

Southern Miss +27   I also keep doing this (doubting Gus and the boys). Wrong.

Florida +7.5  This is the only one of which I'm confident. Which means it will be way wrong.

South Carolina +2  Gotta dance with the lady what WRONG

LSU -12   so wrong

---

I am going to spice things up:

1) $991.96 on... GEORGIA (straight up)!!! At -13500, I stand to win $7.35.

2) $55.58 on Florida (the Gators) straight up at +270. I stand to win $150.07.

Please note that if chalk holds and I win bet 1) but lose bet 2), my bankroll will be exactly $1000.00. Calculating the bets necessary to do that is the most rewarding thing I will do all year.

I elected not to stick with the Tide at -216000 which would have netted me 49 cents.

*In a piercing falsetto* Week Five

Thus begins "the separating..."

Charlie Football: 5-3 (18-16)
Captain Doofus: 3-5 (15-19)

So many points.

UL-Lafayette @ Alabama (-49)

Arkansas vs Texas A&M (-21)

Tennessee @ Georgia (-32)

Southern Miss @ Auburn (-27)

Florida @ Mississippi State (-7.5)

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-2)

Old Mist @ LSU (-12)

---

The "Nice Bookie"

Solid Gold Charles: $836.44
Sordid Mold Captain: $1048.23