Good bowl picks to all, and to all a good bowl picks

Gasparilla: UCF vs Marshall

My pick: I GOT IT ALL ON UCF 39

Partly this is Trusting the Bookies, but the play on the UHF lyrics is important here.

New Orleans: Appalachian St. vs UAB

My pick: APP STATE 38

Though we love them, UAB is not a good football team, and the bookies say this one’s a sure thing. 

Potato: Ohio vs Nevada

My pick: OHIO 37

It seems like Nevada is very bad! 

Orange: Florida vs Virginia

My pick: FLO RIDA 36

Virginia sucks! 

Birmingham: Boston College vs Cincinnati

My pick: CINCY 35

BC sucks! 

Independence: La Tech vs Miami (FL)

My pick: MIAMI 34

La Tech has not played anybody.

Outback: Minnesota vs Auburn

My pick: AUBURN 33

I became certain about this one when Derrick Brown said he was going to play. He’s a big name guy, and if he’s here for it, everyone will be. 

Quick Lane: Pitt vs Eastern Michigan

My pick: PITTTTTTT 32

Hard not to get excited about these two alma maters of Pitt legend Dan Mariner. 

Citrus: Michigan vs Alabama

My pick: alabama 31

Come on, man.

Mobile: UL-Lafayette vs Miami (OH)

My pick: ULLAF 30

UL-Lafayette is a big favorite in this one, but dang if I can figure out why. Apparently ULL is good? I assumed this was the Dollar General Bowl and tried to look up betting information under that name. It isn’t! 

Frisco: Utah St. vs Kent St.

My pick: UTAH STATE 29

Kent State sucks! 

Armed Forces: Southern Miss vs Tulane

My pick: TWO LANE 28

Hard not to get excited about this match-up of former (wait, is that right? they’re not in the same conference? oh, that’s right, they all moved around when those teams went up. huh) conference foes.

Sugar: Georgia vs Baylor

My pick: THUGA 27

Surely Georgia will not be overlooking an underdog from Texas after a disappointing SEC title loss, given, you know, the cool things that happened last year.

Peach: Oklahoma vs LSU

My pick: LSU 26

Oklahoma is pretty good, but LSU is better. 

Alamo: Utah vs Texas

My pick: UTAH 25

Tough pick! On paper, Utah is a lot better, but then Texas is very talented with a big-game coach, but then both teams had very disappointing seasons and can’t be excited to be here. So, I don’t know. When everything is in doubt, Utah is a lot better. I don’t think Herman is a great game-to-game coach, though he is still relatively young I guess as head coaches go.

Music City: Mississippi St. vs Louisville

My pick: MISSISSISSISSISSIPPI STATE 24

Mississippi State’s not, you know, great, but I don’t think Louisville ended the season well. 

Camellia: Florida International vs Arkansas St.

My pick: ARKANSAS STATE 23

This is where this game ended up in my list.

Hawaii: Hawaii vs BYU

My pick: BYU 22

Hard not to get excited about this match-up of states that shouldn’t be in the USA. 

Camping World: Notre Dame vs Iowa St.

My pick: NOTRE DAME 21

Notre Dame seems pretty good.

Redbox: California vs Illinois

My pick: CAL 20

Two bad teams. 

Bahamas: Buffalo vs UNC-Charlotte

My pick: BUFFALO 19

I am already forgetting why I picked this, and I looked it up! Probably something about statistics. 

Cure: Liberty vs Georgia Southern

My pick: GEORGIA SOUTHERN 18

How much of this line is Liberty being Liberty? 

New Mexico: Central Michigan vs San Diego St.

My pick: SAN DIEGO STATE 17

Central Michigan has looked extremely mediocre against decent defenses. 

Belk: Virginia Tech vs Kentucky

My pick: KENTUCKY 16

I’m kind of surprised this didn’t up higher.

Texas: Oklahoma St. vs TAMU

My pick: TAMU 15

Hard not to get excited about this game between mediocre teams I’d probably dislike more if there weren’t dislikable programs constantly around them. 

Holiday: USC vs Iowa

My pick: IOWA 14

They’re gonna fire that guy at USC, and they haven’t yet because it would cost too much. 

Arizona: Wyoming vs Georgia St.

My pick: WYOMING 13

Georgia: Arizona vs Wyoming St. Wyoming: Georgia vs Arizona St. 

Pinstripe: Michigan St. vs Wake Forest

My pick: MICHIGAN STATE 12

I don’t like either of these teams! 

Las Vegas: Boise St. vs Washington

My pick: WASHINGTON 11

This seems like a weird game to pick, with the outgoing coach and all. I think Washington will want to send their beloved coach off with a win, and he will be taking the game seriously. 

Sun: Florida St. vs Arizona St.

My pick: ARIZONA STATE 10

Hard not to get excited about this gridiron contest between two teams.

Cheez-It: Air Force vs Washington St.

My pick: AIR FORCE 9

This should be a fun one. The Cheez-It Bowl! How humiliating for America’s armed forces. 

Cotton: Memphis vs Penn St.

My pick: PENN STATE 8

Penn State is better, but not that much better. Memphis will be all hopped up for their new coach; will Penn State be excited? 

Rose: Oregon vs Wisconsin

My pick: OREGON 7

How much of this pick is that I don’t like Wisconsin, even though I think they’re the better team? A lot! 

Gator: Indiana vs Tennessee

My pick: TENNESSEE 6 

Remember that guy stepping on the Vanderbilt punter’s face? Cool. 

Military: North Carolina vs Temple

My pick: NORTH CAROLINA 5 

Seems like UNC is getting a lot of credit for not beating Clemson. 

First Responder: Western Kentucky vs Western Michigan

My pick: WESTERN KENTUCKY 4

Western! 

Fiesta: Clemson vs Ohio St.

My pick: OHIO STATE 3

This looks like a good game! 

Boca Raton: SMU vs Florida Atlantic

My pick: SMU 2

Coaches leaving etc makes me uncertain about this one. 

Liberty: Navy vs Kansas St.

My pick: KANSAS STATE 1

???

3E BOWL PICK THEM HISTORY: PAY ATTENTION YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING

CHECK IT OUT

CONFIDENCE THING

2016: You - 508/820, 62.0%
          Me - 569/820, 69.4%

2017: You - 482/780, 61.8%
          Me - 481/780, 61.7%

2018: You - 416/749, 55.5%
          Me - 434/756, 57.4%

Let's Hear It For The 'Board

3E BOWL PICK THEM 2019: SORRY, TOLEDO

Read 'em and weep. Let's get 'em in by December 18th at the stroke of 5 pm. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that.

Friday, December 20th

• Bahamas: Buffalo vs UNC-Charlotte
• Frisco: Utah St. vs Kent St.

Saturday, December 21st

• New Mexico: Central Michigan vs San Diego St.
• Cure: Liberty vs Georgia Southern
• Boca Raton: SMU vs Florida Atlantic
• Camellia: Florida International vs Arkansas St.
• Las Vegas: Boise St. vs Washington
• New Orleans: Appalachian St. vs UAB

Monday, December 23rd

• Gasparilla: UCF vs Marshall

Tuesday, December 24th

• Hawaii: Hawaii vs BYU

Thursday, December 26th

• Independence: La Tech vs Miami (FL)
• Quick Lane: Pitt vs Eastern Michigan

Friday, December 27th

• Military: North Carolina vs Temple
• Pinstripe: Michigan St. vs Wake Forest
• Texas: Oklahoma St. vs TAMU
• Holiday: USC vs Iowa
• Cheez-It: Air Force vs Washington St.

Saturday, December 28th

• Camping World: Notre Dame vs Iowa St.
• Cotton: Memphis vs Penn St.
• Peach: Oklahoma vs LSU
• Fiesta: Clemson vs Ohio St.

Monday, December 30th

• First Responder: Western Kentucky vs Western Michigan
• Redbox: California vs Illinois
• Music City: Mississippi St. vs Louisville
• Orange: Florida vs Virginia

Tuesday, December 31st

• Belk: Virginia Tech vs Kentucky
• Sun: Florida St. vs Arizona St.
• Liberty: Navy vs Kansas St.
• Arizona: Wyoming vs Georgia St.
• Alamo: Utah vs Texas

Wednesday, January 1st

• Citrus: Michigan vs Alabama
• Outback: Minnesota vs Auburn
• Rose: Oregon vs Wisconsin
• Sugar: Georgia vs Baylor

Thursday, January 2nd

• Birmingham: Boston College vs Cincinnati
• Gator: Indiana vs Tennessee

Friday, January 3rd

• Potato: Ohio vs Nevada

Saturday, January 4th

• Armed Forces: Southern Miss vs Tulane

Monday, January 6th

• Mobile: UL-Lafayette vs Miami (OH)

here's me

extremely good tiebreaking picks

LSU -7.5: You know what I think.

Regular Tie Breaker:
First team to punt from the opponent's territory: UGA
First team to call a fair catch on a punt or kickoff: LSU
First team to concede a first down by penalty: LSU
First team to have a non-zero, even number of points at the time of a kickoff or free kick (so having 6 points after a td but before a made xp would not count): LSU
Number of combined punts in the first quarter: 1
Number of combined turnovers in the first half: 1
Combined points scored on kicks (fgs, xps) in the first 20 minutes of game time: 6

The Ultra-Tiebreaker: UGA 13 LSU 21

I think we are going to disagree on the pick so the Byzantine contingency bets won't matter

What a ride!

Georgia +7.5

---

1. First team to punt from the opponent's territory: UGA
2. First team to call a fair catch on a punt or kickoff: YOU WOULD THINK THAT THIS WOULD BE CLOSELY TIED TO #1 BUT I AM A WILD MAN UGA
3. First team to concede a first down by penalty: LSU
4. First team to have a non-zero, even number of points at the time of a kickoff or free kick (so having 6 points after a td but before a made xp would not count): LSU
5. Number of combined punts in the first quarter: 2
6. Number of combined turnovers in the first half: 1
7. Combined points scored on kicks (fgs, xps) in the first 20 minutes of game time: 6

ULTRATIEBREAKER: LSU 16 UGA 11

breakin the tie / breakin the tie (like breakin the law)

As my infant son would say: "wow"

Shaun Shivers: 5-4 (50-44-3)
The Alabama Guy's Helmet: 6-3 (50-44-3)

As I posited, if we disagree on the pick ATS, then that's it. That's the whole enchilada.

Georgia vs LSU -7.5

However, in the event of disagreement, the 2019 SEC Pick Off shall be won by he whom picks the most of the following in a manner of correctness:

1. First team to punt from the opponent's territory
2. First team to call a fair catch on a punt or kickoff
3. First team to concede a first down by penalty
4. First team to have a non-zero, even number of points at the time of a kickoff or free kick (so having 6 points after a td but before a made xp would not count)
5. Number of combined punts in the first quarter
6. Number of combined turnovers in the first half
7. Combined points scored on kicks (fgs, xps) in the first 20 minutes of game time

The Ultra-Tiebreaker will be as follows:

• Predicted score at halftime. Winner will be the lowest average of the following:
• Difference between LSU predicted points and LSU actual points
• Difference between UGA predicted points and UGA actual points
• Difference between predicted margin and actual margin

For example, if I predict that the score will be LSU 69 UGA 69 at halftime and the actual score is LSU 21 UGA 14:

• Difference between LSU predicted points and LSU actual points: 69-21=48
• Difference between UGA predicted points and UGA actual points: 69-14=55
• Difference between predicted margin and actual margin: 7-0=7
• Average: 48+55+7=36.67

I hope this is stupid enough for everyone.

---

$$$ The Nice Bookie Has Crowned His Prince $$$

The Wise Pauper: $1,698.00
The Moneyed Fool: $1,768.53

We should really gamble, obviously.

when its gotta be rivalries, its gotta be week fourteen picks baby

Humbly hoping to win three games this week as well!

Old Mist +2.5  The EggBowl®️ is traditionally a torpedoing of whichever team has the slightly less modest aspirations.

Mizzou -11.5  I don't think anybody involved wants to play this game.

Georgia -28  This is what college football is all about.

Kentucky -3  This is just more of what college football is all about.

Clemson -26.5  If you want to know what college football is all about, look no further!

Alabama -4  The IronBowl®️ is traditionally a time of great weeping.

Tennessee -21.5  ABoO®️. Feels like this is the least I can do for Jeremy and the boys after they won $582.19 in delicious, fake moolah for me this season.

LSU -17  LSU seems focused? I don't know.

Florida -17  Dang ol' favorites really appealing to me apparently.

---

$$$ NiceBookie®️ $$$

$1,953.55 in my stash. Time to splash the cash! And do the mooonster mash lol. An astute reader will notice that both win/lose scenarios result in the same bankroll ($1,768.53). This is because I consider Georgia Tech winning and Auburn winning to be equally likely events.

1. $297.38 on DawgsWoofWoof at -4961. Wins $5.99.
2. $191.01 on TideSplishSplosh at -170. Wins $112.36.

This will all be over soon.

quick picks

Traveling soon, so these are the least thought-through picks of the year. That means I should do better than usual!

Mississippi State (-2.5)
Missouri (-11.5) The worst team in the conference is the cure for what ails Missouri
Georgia (-28)
Kentucky (-3)
South Carolina (+26.5)
Auburn (+4) I INEXPLICABLY STILL BELIEVE
Tennessee (-21.5)
LSU (-17)
Florida (-17)

$$$$$$$$$

$1610

Give me $1,500 on Clemson at -5000 to win $30.
Give me $40 on Auburn at +145 to win $58.

Ribaldry Week

A Rival for Hercules Himself: 3-0 (44-41-3)
A Rival with Hurting Knees Who Smells: 1-2 (45-40-3)

Old Mist at Mississippi State (-2.5) (Thoisdee)
Missouri (-11.5) at Arkansas (Frydee)
Georgia (-28) at Georgia Tech
Louisville at Kentucky (-3)
Clemson (26.5) at South Carolina
Alabama (-4) at Auburn
Vanderbilt at Tennessee (-21.5)
TAMU at LSU (-17)
Florida State at Florida (-17)

$$$$$$$$$

Rich Man: $1953.55
Comfortable Man: $1610

We are so good at gambling.

We need picks. Lots of picks.

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of picks. You're afraid of bowls. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how about The Nice Bookie. I'm going to schedule these picks, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is going to be a Bowl Pick Them.

Georgia (-13): The Matrix, a surprise hit thanks to its glorification of violence and for being what stupid people think smart movies sound like.

Arkansas (+43.5): The Matrix Reloaded, a confusing and even stupider follow-up that completely misses the already-overhyped charm of its predecessors while leaving too many questions still unanswered.

Mizzou (-4.5): The Matrix Revolutions, an unnecessary and disappointing conclusion.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
MEANWHILE IN ZION
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

With $1510 to bet, I face a gruesome set of choices.

Gimme $475 on Georgia to beat TAMU, to win $100.

*screeching* WEEK THIRTEEN PICKS

WOOF WOOF DOG POUND BABY

TAMU +13

ARKANSAS +43.5

TENNESSEE +4.5

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT ETC

---

$$$

$1,750.00 is more money than i'll ever have in my whole life. That's why i'm so careful/cautious.

1. $1,657.80 on LSWhom at -3928(?). Wins $42.20.
2. $92.20 on Tennessee (ABoO (Always Bet on Orange)) at +175. Wins $161.35.

Week Thirteen: Slim Pickins

Last Week:

• The Aesthetic Choice: 4-1-1 (44-38-3)
• The Functional Consequence: 4-1-1 (41-41-3)

We've never had fewer than 5 games to pick in any non-week-zero week. So make em count, big guy.

TAMU @ Georgia (-13)

Arkansas @ LSU (-43.5)

Tennessee @ Mizzou (-4.5)

---

$$$ Bookie McNice $$$

• Honor, Courage, Integrity: $1,510.00
• The Opposites of the Three Qualities Above: $1,750.00

I stroke it to the east

Let me ask you something
How long has it been since you made love, huh?
Did you make love yesterday?
Did you make love last week?
Did you make love last year?
Or maybe it might be that you plannin' on makin' love tonight?

I should have done a Stranger Things joke last week since I've seen it now

Alabama (-21) I thought both Morehood and Morris were great hires. I'm a dodo!
Florida (-7) Never forgive Missouri for joining this conference.
Auburn (+3) I BELIEVE, STILL
Kentucky (-8.5) that's a game alright
LSU (-21) Lots of road favorites today.
Texas A&M (-10) Here's a home favorite!

I'm sure it's fine that the only underdog I picked was Auburn. Sure, great.

$$$$$$$$$

Got me $1470. Going to spread the luv here.

I'm betting $200 on Alabama to beat Mississippi State, to win $20.
I'm betting $100 on Auburn to beat Georgia, to win $120.
I'm betting $40 on Kentucky to beat Vanderbilt, to win $10.
I'm betting $150 on LSU to beat Ole Miss, to win $10.
I'm betting $110 on TAMU to cover 10 points against South Carolina, to win $100.

this is a placeholder title so my picks don't show up! NOT CHANGING IT (WEEK 12 PICKS)

Last week my betting was "T3H SUXORS." This week I'm aiming for worse.

Mississippi St. +21   The line is like 17 now, so I've got to do this, right? Even though Mississippi State is "T3H SUXORS."

Florida -7   Florida does really well in cold weather I bet.

Georgia -3   Easy money.

Kentucky -8.5   The line is like 10.5 now, so I've got to do this, right? Even though both of these teams are "T3H SUXORS" and I have no idea how to bet on things.

Old Mist +21   No. 

TAMU -10   I don't remember anything TAMU has done since the Auburn game. Or the Alabama game. I don't even remember which one was first. What are birds?

---

$$$ NOS Bookie $$$

They're having a fire sale on Alabama and baby I am here for it. Going to sling my entire wad ($1,615.78) this week.

1. $1,590.91 on Alabama to get 'r done Tua or no at -1000. Wins $159.09.
2. $24.87 on South Carolina (nobody circles the wagons like Muschamp) to get 'r done at +400. Wins $99.48.

Week 12

Art: 1-6 (37-40-2)
Carbuncle: 5-2 (40-37-2)

games, games, games

Alabama (-21) st Mississippi State
Florida (-7) at Missouri
Georgia (-3) at Auburn
Kentucky (-8.5) at Vanderbilt
LSU (-21) at Old Mist
South Carolina at Texas A&M (-10)

$$$$$$$$$

a tricky ploy: $1615.78
a sticky boy: $1470

one by one I'll knock you out

but the rainbow has a beard!

if we don't get prepared people there's gone be a slaughter

Is there a better band name that 69 Boyz?

dooooooooooo yoooooooouuuuuu feel like I do

There is something in the air, something is wrong

Weak Wet Elven

Florida (-26) Less that I am confident about Florida than that I am not confident about Wandy.
Western Kentucky (+2.5) lmao
Alabama (-6) I'm ready to be hurt
Old Mist (-28.5) seems like a big line, but New Mexico State is so bad. There are several teams that I think should drop down a level and become more competitive, and New Mexico State is right at the top of that list. 
Mizzou (+17) toughest pick of the week
Appalachian St. (+5) I love underdogs!
Tennessee (-1) sure

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$BOOKIE, DANNO$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Playing with $1315, not seeing a lot of value this week.

Betting $55 to win $50 on New Mexico St vs Ole Miss going under 64 points.
Betting $400 to win $10 that Florida will beat Vanderbilt.
Betting $50 to win $95 that Appalachian State beats South Carolina.

Week Eleven: Wherein Things Get Wet N Wild

Surf's up, fellas! Let's talk deli meats!!!

Vanderbilt +26  Turkey - Ooooh baby, gimme that sweet gobbler!

Arkansas -2.5   Roast Beef - Mamma Mia, gimma that spicy roast-a beef-a!

Alabama -6   Ham - Oi, Vey! Gimma that on a bagel widda smyeeaah!

NM St. +28.5   Chicken - Ack, I gotta have my bird!

Mizzou +17   Salami - Ah sooo! Me rikey! *gong crash*

South Carolina -5   That's all the deli meats.

Tennessee -1   Always bet on orange.

---

$$$ The EXTREMELY Nice Bookie, like way too nice $$$

This maneuver is known as "The Stevedore's Gambit." It is also known as "Cheating."

1. At one sportsbook, give me $1,102.83 on The Tahd straight up at -215. This pays $512.94.
2. At another book, give me $497.16 on LSWho straight up at +225. This pays $1,118.61.

If Alabama wins, I have $1,615.78 and if LSU wins, I have $1,615.78. If neither wins I have 1 cent, which is fine because the bombs must have fallen. If they both win, I don't want to play anymore. I apologize for doing this, although it's no worse than the things both of these teams do every single play.

As my Grandmama Edna Mae Kearse, she showed me How to be the smooth operator, dominator In the state of Georgia, hip hop standard destroyer

Week Buhleven

Taking a break from decorating for Veteran's Day in order to make this post.

• Charles the Bold: 3-3 (35-35-2)
• Captain Doofus: 2-4 (36-34-2)

Moving on...

• Vanderbilt @ Florida (-26)
• Western Kentucky @ Arkansas (-2.5) teehee
• LSU @ Alabama (-6)
• New Mexico St. @ Old Mist (-28.5)
• Mizzou @ Georgia (-17)
• Appalachian St. @ South Carolina (-5)
• Tennessee (-1) @ Kentucky

---

$$$ ok bookie (like ok boomer (topical)) $$$

• Ice Cold Killa: $1,315.00
• Warm, Fuzzy Doofus: $1,600.00

You can go back to being groupie in your Dapper Dan Gucci

Please Enjoy My WTP (Week Ten Picks)

UTSA +38  Seriously, what on earth does a man of stable disposition and upstanding character do with a line like this?

Florida +6.5   It's called the cocktail party because the trophy is 7 seven shrimp.

Arkansas +7.5   Time to Hog Up.

Tennessee -11.5   Always bet on orange.

Auburn -18.5   I can't believe I picked that yesterday. Can't change it now though.

Vanderbilt +15   Did a lot of research on this.

---

$$$ Bookums $$$

$1,766.03 moolah to splash. Time for a very grindy "Tha Captainz Special."

1. $274.87 on Jimbo N Tha Boyz straight up at -45000. This will pay me a handsome sum of $0.61.
2. $166.64 on Arkansas N Tha Boyz to finally win an SEC game at +250. This far-fetched fantasy would pay me $416.60.

we(t)e(n)k

I'm expecting to be at the Auburn game this weekend, so I probably won't see how many of these I get wrong.

TAMU (-38): sure
Georgia (-6.5): >:(
Mississippi State (-7.5): Mississippi State is bad but Arkansas is terrible.
UAB (+11.5): blayzuhs!
Auburn (-18.5): Auburn is good against the spread, and Gus has the m.o. of smashing the bad teams.
South Carolina (-15): sure

$$$$$$$$$$$

Working with $1264.

Gimme $400 on TAMU beating UTSA to win $1
Gimme $550 on Auburn to win $50

Week (Rude) Teen

Big Dubs: 34-30-2
Little Cubs: 32-32-2

Lots of big lines this week.

UTSA at TAMU (-38)
Georgia (-6.5) at Florida
Mississippi State (-7.5) at Arkansas
UAB at Tennessee (-11.5)
Old Mist at Auburn (-18.5)
Vandy at South Carolina (-15)

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A people's champion: $1766.03
A people's chimpion: $1264

a black suit and a cane like my own

Week of Nine

Mississippi St. +10.5: TAMU is going to cost me this one.
LSU -10.5: LSU is going to tear Auburn to pieces :(
South Carolina -4: lol
Alabama -32: Alabama will want to work out the kinks with a back-up quarterback against the worst team in the conference. Murder time.
Mizzou -10.5: I feel like Missouri is going to mess up because they've lost weird games on the road twice, but I also think the Vandy game made them mad (?).

$$$$$$$$
WHO'S A NICE BOOKIE? YOU ARE, YES YOU ARE!
$$$$$$$$

Spending $1,219.00. I don't see a lot of value, as the bookies say, in any of these lines or totals. The closest thing I can see is LSU covering against Auburn, but then I see it's supposed to be bad weather. So, let's go with The Cap'n Special.

I'll bet $900 on Alabama beating Arkansas, to win $15.
I'll bet $10 on Kentucky beating Missouri, to win $30.

Hey man yall got any of those week 9 picks

Every one of these seemed obvious to me. That's probably a good sign.

Mississippi St. +10.5   Fimbo Jisher is a Star Wars®️ name.

LSU -10.5   Boe Jurrow vs No Bix.

Tennessee +4   Back on the Tennessee bandwagon.

Alabama -32   Auburn beat Arkansas by more than this and I have to think that Alabama's backup QBs are as good or better than Bo Nix. I have to think that.

Kentucky +10.5   Froger Kield, baby.

---

$$$ Bet's, Bet's, Bet's $$$

1. $595.24 on the nefarious Tide straight up at -12500 to win $4.76.
2. $604.76 on the nefarious LSU straight up at -375 to win $161.27.

Week Nine... Feelin' Fine.

Last Week (overalls)

The Guy With The Things: 5-2 (31-28-2)
The Dude With the Stuff: 3-4 (31-28-2)

The theme of this week's games is you guessed it The Sinai Peninsula.

Mississippi St. @ TAMU -10.5   S is for Sinai, the peninsula we all know

Auburn @ LSU -10.5   I is for the Israelites, who never get no snow

South Carolina -4 @ Tennessee   N is for the Nubians, as black as night can be

Arkansas @ Alabama -32   A is for Amenhotep, who said "it's all about me!"

Mizzou -10.5 @ Kentucky   I is for It's the end of this list and the rhyme scheme was AABBB

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$$$ DAMN THASSA NICE BOOKIE $$$

Normal Guy: $1,219.00
Guy Normal: $1,600.00

sting + shaggy

heeeeeeeeeey yeaahh i wanna shoop baby

The Seven Deadly Picks

Week Eight Picks as which of the Seven Deadly Sins best fits my reaction to it. The first sin is if I only allow myself to use each sin one time. The parenthetical sin is me allowing re-use of sins.

Auburn (-18.5): Pride (Wrath). Obvious reasons, I think.

Florida (-6): Lust (Wrath). Did this one last.

LSU (-19): Envy (Wrath). LSU has a fantastic passing offense. Auburn used to have a good offense. I remember it, like a dream. This is a tough pick because LSU is really good and Mississippi State seems to be cratering, but it's also got "look ahead/let down" written all over it. Seems like the over is a good bet here.

Missouri (-21.5): Greed (Sloth). They're rich at Vanderbilt, and Missouri was greedy to join the SEC, where they don't have a good fit and gave up their traditional rivalries to make more TV money.

Georgia (-24.5): Sloth (Wrath). That's how Georgia looked last week, and that accurately captures my total inability to muster any concern about this game.

Texas A&M (-6) (Sloth): Gluttony. The Grove or whatever.

Tennessee (+34.5): Wrath (double Wrath). The most obvious reasons, I think. Of course, Auburn beating Alabama is what's most important, but Alabama fans get such pleasure from their streak against Tennessee that I almost want that to end as much as I want Auburn to win the Iron Bowl. Although, Tennessee sucks and I hate them, too.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Still at $1130. Well! Let's get busy.

Gimme $625 on Auburn to beat Arkansas, to win $50.
Gimme $105 to win $50 on Florida to beat South Carolina. This seems like such a good bet to me that I must be missing something.
Gimme $11 on LSU-Mississippi State going over 61 points, to win $10.

Week 8 Picks: We're Pickin' Week 8 (Time to Pick Week 8, Baby)

Awoooga. Awooooooooga.

Arkansas  +18.5   Awooooooga. This pick is my brand. Arkansas isn't good and Gus hates them, sure. However, this game is at 11 am and I was always told that nothing good happens after 2 am.

Florida - 6  Awooga. Let's face it, Kyle Trask is incapable of a Jake-Fromm-style meltdown. He'll forge his own unique brand of meltdown but not in this game or at least not enough to matter.

LSU -19  Awoooooooooooooooooga.  Wooga. This is the year LSU scores against Alabama.

Vanderbilt +21.5  Awoooooga. Awooga. Vanderbilt just lost by 24 or something to UNLV.

Georgia -24.5  Grrrr. mad.

Old Mist +6  Putting some but not all of my chips on Jimbo being as bad as you seem to think he is.

Alabama -34.5  Alabama has already covered a spread this size twice this season, so whatever. This game is so late! Imagining Nick Saban coaching in pajamas/nightcap and carrying around a rapidly melting candle. Awooga. I forgot I was doing that. I forgot I was saying awooga for some reason.

---

$$$ here be bets starting with $1,721.24 $$$

1. $577.78 on Georgia straight up at -2600 to win $22.22.
2. $143.46 on Old Mist straight up at +205 to win $294.09.

Awoooga.

I felt a little tired, so I watched Miami Vice And walked the dinosaur, I walked the dinosaur

Harry Potter and the SEC Pick-Off

A Song of Nice Man Power: A Game He Owns: 3-3-1 (28-24-2)
The Slob Fit: A Bum, Rejected Early: 3-3-1 (26-26-2)

You're lying if you say that ties are bad. Speaking of which, here are some games.

Auburn (-18.5) at Arkansas
Florida (-6) at South Carolina
LSU (-19) at Mississippi State
Missouri (-21.5) at Waaanderbilt
Kentucky at Georgia (-24.5)
Texas A&M (-6) at Old Mist
Tennessee at Alabama (-34.5)

It appears that this is the first time we've had all fourteen conference teams playing in conference games this season.

$$$$$$$$

West, Heroes: $1721.24 (!!!!)
Dildo Draggins: $1130

I'm still in my PJs, he's in a turtleneck sweater

perhaps the best rap song ever

week .... seven?

South Carolina (+24.5) That's a big line!
Mississippi St. (-6.5) I see Missississississippi State bouncing back, I guess?
TAMU (+17) Clemson won by 14, and Alabama is two points better than Clemson.
Vanderbilt (-14.5) I don't know anything about UNLV, but they look really bad. Feels like a dumb pick.
Mizzou (-11) now that's an apple picking
Arkansas (+6.5) Also feels like a dumb pick.
LSU (-13) Let's don't act like Florida beat Auburn because they're good.

*************
A BOOKIE WHO I WOULD FRANKLY CHARACTERIZE AS NICE
*************

Working with $1130. That's a lotta moolah.

I will bet $400 to win $50 that Alabama beats TAMU. You won't be surprised but I think Alabama against TAMU at -800 is easy money.
I will bet $50 to win $10 that Mississippi State beats Tennessee. I am taking my Alabama win to bet on this one, which makes sense?

Thinking - of course - of "The Seven Kevins"

Numbers are like bullet points.

1. Georgia -24.5
Kevin I: Kevin Nealon - The primogenitor Kevin. He from whom all Kevins are descended. He was in Happy Gilmore (1996).

2. Tennessee +6.5
Kevin II: Kevin Costner - Best known for playing Wyatt Earp in the box office bomb Waterworld (1995).

3. Alabama -17
Kevin III: Kevin Bacon - Obscure actor who left show business after a harrowing experience on the set of Friday the 13th (1980).

4. UNLV +14.5
Kevin IV: Kevin Sorbo - Played the titular role on television's Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995-99). Delighted audiences with his trademark catchphrase wherein he would clap childishly and recite his character's name over and over.

5. Mizzou -11
Kevin V: Kevin Spacey - Great actor. Everyone loved American Beauty (1999). Seems like a nice guy.

6. Kentucky -6.5
Kevin VI: Kevin Federline - The inspiration for Kid Rock's ubiquitous anthem American Bad Ass (2000).

7. Florida +13
Kevin VII: Kevin McCallister - Awful, spoiled rich child. Subject of the documentary Home Alone (1990) and its sequels. Deceased. No male heirs, thus ending the Kevin bloodline.

---

$$$ Here are a couple of wagers that would make any Kevin proud $$$

1. $849.60 on the Tahd straight up at -800. Wins $106.20.
2. $200.40 on the Vahls straight up at +210. Wins $420.84.

Week Kevin

Last Week (Overalls)

Knotted Muscles: 2-3 (23-23-1)
Potted Mussels: 4-1 (25-21-1

This week's matchups are brought to you by the letter "M" for "Man dang lookit these matchups."

• South Carolina @ Georgia (-24.5)
• Mississippi St. (-6.5) @ Tennessee
• Alabama (-17) @ TAMU
• UNLV @ Vanderbilt (-14.5)
• Old Mist @ Mizzou (-11)
• Arkansas @ Kentucky (-6.5)
• Florida @ LSU (-13)

Bullet points! Pew! Pew!

Only our beleaguered TigerBoys sit this one out. They deserve it. It was probably very warm and muggy in the Swamp.

---

$$$ Nice Boogie $$$

Humanities Hero: $1,130.00
STEM Idiot: $1,194.20

That's the most combined moolah we've ever had so this week will probably be a bloodbath of red ink.

Wick Seex

An ugly slate of games! I've never felt more set up for failure, except often in day-to-day interactions and other picks on this website.

Utah State (+26) Seems like a big line, but who knows.
Auburn (-3) CALL ME A BELIEV' MAN
Troy (+25.5) Trojans!
Georgia (-25) I went back and forth on this one. Tennessee is a garbage team, but this seems like a giant line. Kirby is a conservative coach. But but Tennessee is also apparently very bad against the spread in their last few games. Has Tennessee given up?
Ole Miss (-7.5) I don't think Vanderbilt is very good, and Ole Miss seems fine. They looked OK against Alabama, except when they didn't.

$$$$$$
A NICEST BOOKIE

Playing with fire (a.k.a. $1121) means playing it safe on this, the most difficult picks of the season.

Give me $315 on LSU to beat Utah State, to win $9.

Week Six: Are you serious with all these off weeks c'mon man.

Really feeling like I'm on the verge of something terrible.

LSU -26  Eagerly anticipating an all-sec-qb Heisman ceremony (Joe Burrow, Bo Nix, and Kyle Trask).

Florida +3  chomp chomp

Troy +25.5   Troy's nickname "Trojans" comes from the inhabitants of the ancient Anatolian city of Troja.

Georgia -25  I'm officially off the Tennessee bandwagon.

Old Mist -7.5   I'm officially off the Vanderbilt bandwagon. Done with the whole state.

---

$$$

The wagers of sin... is death. The wagers of the captain... are as follows:

• $815.52 on UGA straight up at -2365. I stand to win $34.38.
• $84.48 on Flo-Rida straight up at +130. I stand to win $109.82.

More Weeks (Six) Than Games (Five)!!!

LW (O)
A man you can believe in: 3-2 (21-20-1)
A man who's always sneezin': 4-1 (21-20-1)

A terrific week for picks, pics, and Picts.

The bookies think that we'll have two competitive games and three blow-outs this week.

Utah State at LSU (-26)
Auburn (-3) at Florida
Troy at Missouri (-25.5)
Georgia (-25) at Tennessee
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-7.5)

Only five SEC games, you ask? You are correct! We have bye weeks for Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi State, South Carolina, and Texas A&M. Simply OUTRAGEOUS.

$$$$$$$$$$
The Nicest of Bookies

A very respectable W: $1050
A very detestable C: $1121

cause i'm the bad guy

(whispering) errybody in the club gettin tipsy

Errybody in the club gettin tipsy Errybody in the club gettin tipsy 

see em spread eagle

dna test

Yes I made some bad picks and I hope they burn in hell!!!!

SEC Picks as Samuel L. Jackson Roles:

Arkansas (+23.5): John Shaft from Shaft. Should be good but ended up being mostly forgettable. I know that I've seen it, but I have zero recollection. Inexplicably, this is a series.

Northern Illinois (+6.5): Col. Terry Childers in Rules of Engagement. It's hard to imagine a situation where I watch even most of the way through. The right time to watch would have been several years ago.

Old Mist (+35.5): Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction. This is a game that will make me feel like I am beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Hopefully, a main character will die before the end.

Mississippi St. (+11): John Arnold from Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

South Carolina (-2.5): Mace Windu from the Star Wars prequel series. This seems like bad casting, and while everyone involved is apparently trying hard and giving it their best, there are deeper problems that preclude genuine success.

$$$$$$$$$$$
A REAL NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$

Still on that $1099 train. I think both of these over/unders are like 10 points off, which means I will definitely lose both.

$33 to win $30 on Kentucky-South Carolina going over 51.5 points.
$55 to win $50 on Mississippi State-Auburn going over 46.5 points.
$300 to win $2 on Alabama beating Old Mist.

A Captainz Week Five Picks: Think of a good subtitle. don't forget. ok working on this again. think of a subtitle next time. ok editing again. ah crap no subtitle. ok, uh something clever.. come on man aaaaaccck!!!!

In my head I was just counting the games to see if I could come up with a theme for the picks. One of the cool things about having a kid is that when I count now, I do it in the cadence of a battery operated cat who implores me to roll him around the floor, singing the numbers 1 - 20 as he goes. We don't own such a toy, it's just part of "being a dad."

At any rate, there are 5 count em 5 games. Didn't think of a theme. In fact, this is my last edit and now I'm about to go home and I haven't even written any stupid words after my stupid picks. I'm sorry, I'll try to think of something stupid to say about each game this weekend "in real time." Ok editing again, really i'm out the door. going to write the first stupid thing that comes to mind after each pick (not actually looking at the games, just writing something) ok go!

Arkansas + 23.5   Voldemort

Vanderbilt - 6.5  oh crap uh dumbledore

Old Mist +35.5   harry potter

Mississippi St. + 11    baziiinga

South Carolina -2.5   a man named Bubba "Turds" Gunderson, just imagine a guy like that

---

$$$

Check this out. I got 1,076.58 in fake moolah. Nice Bookie, put me down for the following nonsense:

• $927.07 on TAMU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $46.35.
• $72.93 on The Mississippi State University straight up at +350. I stand to win $255.26 as well as your respect and admiration.

If TAMU and Auburn win, I will still have $1,050.00 even though you will neither respect nor admire me.

2019 3E SEC Pick Off Week Five: Very Special "I will never stop calling my son Turd Boy" Edition

Last Week (Overalls):

The Savvy Picker: 8-1 (17-19-1)
The Scabby Licker: 4-5 (18-18-1)

Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark!!!

4 teams off this week and 1 FCS game so we should be able to really focus on these picks. No excuses. I will be absolutely beside myself if I hear any excuses.

TAMU (-23.5) vs Arkansas (@ the CowboyDome)

Northern Illinois @ Vanderbilt (-6.5)

Old Mist @ Alabama (-35.5)

Mississippi St. @ Auburn (-11)

Kentucky @ South Carolina (-2.5)

---

$$$ Nice Book-E $$$

Makin It Rain: $1,099.00
Swirlin Down the Drain: $1,076.58

Gentlemen, start your pickins.

(The Beatles voice): "When I Pick Week Four"

Florida (-14) It feels like only Yesterday that this game was a big-time matchup, rather than an idiot clown show. I'm not confident about Florida covering. Tennessee's loss to BYU seems better than it did before, after beating Southern Cal, but I got to stick with my gut. I won't change my pick; I'm going to Let It Be.

Alabama (-39) This game will trigger a Helter Skelter scenario on my blood pressure, and, I hope, in the USA as a whole.

Old Mist (-2) Much like JoJo, who wanted that California grass, Old Mist will get back to where they once belong: barely beating mediocre teams.

LSU (-23.5) Ed Oregon looked at that bad offense and said, We Can Work It Out, and they did! Great job. Life is very short, and there's no time for me to watch LSU beat a team like Vanderbilt.

Auburn (+4) You've got to admit, Bo Nix is getting better, getting better all the time.

Missississippi State (-7)  I expected this line to be higher! But then I read the news today, and I just had to laugh. Just a Day In the Life of this 3E Pick Them man.

Missouri (-9.5) I look at this line, and I don't know. I Just Don't Understand! Something in the way this line is set, I don't know.

San Jose State (+21) Picture yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, and oh no it's Bert Beilema! He's back! He's mad and he's wet and he's red!

Notre Dame (+13.5) This one, you know it ain't easy. You know how hard it can be! But I will definitely be rooting for the Catholics, with all their crucifixes.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I got $1099 to spend. I need money, I need money / I need money, oh, yes that's what I want!

$11 to win $10 on California-Old Mist to go under 41.5. I decided no matter what I would bet the under on this game, and it's so low, and I'm still doing it!
$11 to win $10 on Mississippi State covering -7 against Kentucky.
$540 to win $1 on Alabama beating Southern Miss.

Week Four Picks presented by White Clam Hard Seltzer: "Clammed if you do, Clammed if you don't!"

The theme of today's picks is that I'm gassy right now.

Tennessee +14  This is the week Tennessee turns the corner.

Alabama -39  This is the week Alabama turns the corner.

Cal +2  Do you remember Pocket Rockers? Let me jog your memory: "down on the corner / out in the street / Pocket Rockers are playin / wear the music / feel the beat"

LSU -23.5 Everyone remembers Monster In My Pocket.

TAMU -4 

Kentucky +7  Didn't learn anything last week.

South Carolina +9.5  Have never learned anything ever.

Arkansas -21  Will never learn anything ever.

Notre Dame +13.5  Forgetting anything I might have known initially.

---

$$$ Nice Bookie $$$

Let's make this clean 'n' simple. The Nice Bookie deserves to have one lobbed in to him every once in a while. $1,000 on LSU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $50. Because the moneyline is twice my wager, this is known as "doubling my money."

(Drowning Pool voice) let the bookies pick week four

A prince of a man: 4-2 (14-13-1)
A dunce on the can: 2-4 (9-18-1)

yikes!

Only one home underdog this week. That's interesting (not).

Tennessee at Florida (-14)
Southern  Miss at Alabama (-39)
Cal-uh-forn-eye-aye at Old Mist (-2)
LSU (-23.5) at Vanderbilt
Auburn at TAMU (-4)
Kentucky at Missississippi State (-7)
South Carolina at Missouri (-9.5)
San Jose State at Arkansas (-21)
Notre Dame at Georgia (-13.5)

$$$$$$$$
The Nice Bookie

My friend Wes: $1026.58
Call the IRS: $1099.00

Week thrice and the bookie is nice

A truly reprehensible slate of games. I don't understand why the SEC does it like this. Wouldn't it make more sense to have at least one potentially big game each week? I am confident it could be done without making the schedule unfairly difficult for anyone.

Arkansas St. (+33): big line

Mississippi St. (-8.5): I think. The Bulldogs. Have a. Little something. For 'em.

South Carolina (+25.5): What a foolish decision. I feel like I've not gotten a good handle on Alabama so far.

Colorado St. (+10): Yuck!

Auburn (-35) This seems like a tremendously big line, but I didn't realize how terrible Kent State is. I've never felt more like a big line would be exactly met than this one, which I predict will end 41-6.

Florida (-8.5): Game of the .... weak! [chortling]

$$$$$$$$$$
Beach Boys voice: book book book, book bookie's nice
$$$$$$$$$$

I'm back barely past square one, which after last season seems like improvement. $1038 to spend.

$55 to win $50 on Florida-Kentucky going over 48 points.
$11 to win $10 on Kansas-Mississippi State going over 52 points.
$200 to win one beautiful dollar on Auburn beating Kent State.

Week 333-3333 Sponsored by the Vance Law Firm "Dial '3' for Me!"

These picks might as well be sand, waves, sunbathers, and floating garbage... because they're "shore" things!

Georgia -33  Speaking of dawgs, Dana got a hair cut. It is jarring how small she is and distressing to think back to all the times she's kicked my a*s.

Kansas St. +8.5  I am going to "stan" this game because it is "big mood."

Alabama -25.5  It's time for the big boys to flex their muscles. Story time! When Alabama lost at South Carolina in 2010, I was at a wedding in Kentucky (at "My Old Kentucky Home" State Park to be exact) and we were watching updates on our phones. Can you believe that? Then later Auburn played - get this - Kentucky! We were able to watch the end of the game on tv and there were some Kentucky fans who were super confused as to why Auburn was slowly moving the ball down the field at the end of the game rather than trying to score very quickly and leave time on the clock. Later, I threw a beer can at some gravestone and said "take this, you dead a**hole!" The moral of this story is that it is a crazy time to be alive what with the smart phones and all.

Arkansas -10  Big time revenge game here.

Kent St. +35  Auburn isn't going to score 35 points.

Kentucky +8.5  Charles have I ever told you the story about the time I was at a wedding in Kentucky?

---

$$$

Time to grind. I'm not proud of this; I don't enjoy this. But a man has to make a living. A father has to provide for his family. And dammit, a player has absolutely got to play.
Nice Bookie, give me $930.31 on Alabama at -3500. I stand to win $26.58.

Week 3E

Last Week (Overall):

Head Of The Class: 4-5-1 (7-14-1)
Head Up His A*s: 5-4-1 (10-11-1)

Breathtaking.

This week like half the conference plays 1AA teams. How embarrassing. Week Three is the new Week Two, I reckon.

Arkansas St. @ Georgia (-33)

Kansas St. @ Mississippi St. (-8.5)

Alabama (-25.5) @ South Carolina

Colorado St. @ Arkansas (-10)

Kent Read Kent Write Kent State @ Auburn (-35)

Florida (-8.5) @ Kentucky

---

$$$ Verry Niiiiice Bookie: $$$

The Man With The Plan: $1,038.00
The Man Getting Canned: $1,000.00

I got the horses in the back, week two picks on rack

Missouri (-14) What in tarnation?
Vanderbilt (+7) Purdue in a 17-14 kind of game.
Southern Miss (+17). I went back and changed this because I'd picked too many favorites. That's stupid. But, I'm thinking Mississississippi State got a "wake up call" last week.
Clemson (-17.5) sure
Alabama (-55) The only thing worse than this game having a line is that I think Alabama will cover easily. I might have taken Alabama -62.
Tennessee (-3.5) lmao
Auburn (-18): you. better. believe it.
Kentucky (-14.5) seems wrong
LSU (-5.5) I think this is going to be higher scoring than expected.
Old Mist (-6.5) The rebs didn't get off to a great start, but Portland State!

A REAL NICE BOOKIE

$937.00 to wager!

$55 to win $50 on LSU vs. Texas going over 55
$55 to win $50 on Arkansas vs. Old Mist going under 51
$750 to win $1 on Alabama beating New Mexico State. Am I reading that right? Sure.

A Captain Makes Some Picks: Very Special "Mama's Spicy Little Meatball" Edition

Time to blow a lead, baby.

West F****** V**gin*a +14  The more I think about it, this isn't that weird. But that's because I'm a moron.

Purdew -7  Unrelated so I don't say something unsavory about the cancer kid: Remember the infamous mouth-breather Dave Ragone? What's he up to? UPDATE: He's been the QB coach for the Chicago Bears since 2016 with previous stops with the Titans and R**s**ns.

Mississippi St. -17  woooof woof.

TAMU +17.5  This can't be right.

New Mexico St +55  Come on.

Tennessee -3.5  If Jeremy Pruitt heard the mean things you've been saying about him, he'd flip his lid.

Auburn -18   Serious Question: Will Bo Nix get only one statue outside the stadium, or one for each Heisman?

Kentucky -14.5   Serious Question: Have I pointed out that it is called Kroger Field?

Texas +5.5  Texas is back.

Arkansas +6.5   Arkansas is back.

---

Time to blow a different lead, baby.

1. $904.14 on Auburn (twist!!!) at -950. I stand to win $95.17.
2. $168.92 on Texas at +210. I stand to win $354.73.

If Auburn and LSU win, I'll still have my precious $1,000. If Auburn loses, I will have significantly less than that.

it's a week two remember

A heroic nobleman: 5-7
A loutish peasant: 3-9

Great!

Feast yer eyes on these winners. This gets easier later in the season when there are more intraconference games. At least there are some nonsense payday games without lines.

West Virginia at Missouri (-14)
Vanderbilt at Purdue (-7)
Southern Miss at Miss State (-17)
TAMU at Clemson (-17.5)
New Mexico State at Alabama (-55)
BYU at Tennessee (-3.5)
Twolane at Auburn (-18)
Eastern Michigan at Kentucky (-14.5)
LSU (-5.5) at Texas
Arkansas at Old Mist (-6.5)

Unloved: Charleston Southern at South Carolina, Murray State at Georgia, UT Martin at Florida

$$$$$$$

The people's champion: $1073.75
The people's chumpion: $937.00

A mi manera

It's real week one week one week one week one week one

I'm very excited to start the season and lose to Tha Cap'n again.

Texas St. (+33.5) big line

Toledo (+11.5) Actual football analysis for this one: Kentucky working out the kinks with a new-look offense to start the year. Guaranteed to be one of the games I miss.

Memphis (-5.5) Memphis might be my non-major team to keep up with this year. They just seem like a good pick.

Mississippi St. (-21) why not?

Duke (+34.5) dumb

South Carolina (-7.5) more like .... more like .... more like musCHUMP, am I right?

Tennessee (-26) Regretting this pick already. I do enjoy the idea of someone that's a huge Georgia State and Tennessee fan (growing up in Sandy Plains, Georgia, they went to GAST for undergrad and Tennessee for graduate school at the Haslam College of Business) just absolutely frothing at the mouth for this one and losing a mortgage payment when a kicker misses a field goal because he's hung over and worried he got a venereal disease the night before.

Georgia (-20.5) dumb. Too many schools named Georgia this week.

LSU (-28) If they can't cover for a bird poop cocaine quarterback controversy, GASOU can't cover against LSU.

Auburn (-3.5) I YEEHAWIN' BELIEVE that Auburn will lose five games this year, but not Oregon

Missouri (-17.5) Missouri cleaning up the crucial Wyoming recruiting grounds.

***

A NICE BOOKIE ALERT

***

Bankroll: $NINE NINE NINE

$55 to win $50 on Alabama-Duke going over 56.5 points seems probable to me. Alabama just lost their best defensive player, and that line seems kind of low anyway. 

$300 to win $2 for Alabama to beat Duke. That seems like a good bet.

$9 to win $100 on Vanderbilt to beat Georgia seems, contrariwise, like a worthwhile risk.

A Captain Makes Some Picks: Week One

Just like breakfast is the most important of the thirteen meals I eat every day, Week One is absolutely vital. The person leading after Week One has never lost in the grand and storied history of this great competish. So lets get at it, eh.

Hey, does anybody need to raise or lower boats, ships, or other watercraft between stretches of water at different levels on rivers or canals because here are some LOCKS:

Texas St. +33.5  Do you believe in miracles?

Kentucky -11.5  Kroger Field. It's called Kroger Field.

Old Mist +5.5  Old Mist was 2-9 ATS last season. I can feel my brain smoothening.

Mississippi St. -21  Not liking this anymore.

Duke +34.5  I'm sorry it's just so many points.

North Carolina +7.5  Almost made a bet on UNC to win. But I'm too scared!

Tennessee -26   The only "Ten I See" is the number of points by which Tennessee will actually win, damning me to the depths of despair.

Georgia -20.5  I actually think Georgia will win by exactly 20.5 points.

Georgia Southern +28  LSU always has a screw around game where they practice being useless. This assures that when they play Alabama, they will have perfected it.

Oregon +3.5  Duh.

Wyoming +17.5  In my warped perception of football reality, Missouri always starts the season slowly then gets going later. Is this true? I don't know. I don't know if such a statement can be true. What is truth? What are birds?

---

A humble wager: $1,000.31 on Georgia straight up at -1375. I stand to win $72.75. I hope I lose and I'm just playing with cents for the rest of the season.

Extremely Week and Incredibly One: Lines

Flyin' out of the gates.

Cheeze: 0-1
Wheeze: 0-1

Now, feast your eyes on these:

Texas St. @ Texas A&M (-33.5)

Toledo @ Kentucky (-11.5)

Old Mist @ Memphis (-5.5)

Mississippi St. (-21) vs UL-Lafayette [at the SuperDome for some reason]

Duke vs Alabama (-34.5) [at the Atlanta ButtholeDome]

South Carolina (-7.5) vs North Carolina [at the CharlotteDome]

Georgia St. @ Tennessee (-26) [at Tennessee's normal stadium like a normal game]

Georgia (-20.5) @ Vanderbilt

Georgia Southern @ LSU (-28)

Oregon vs Auburn (-3.5) [CowboyDome yeehaw]

Missouri (-17.5) @ Wyoming

---

The World's Nicest Bookie:

Big C: $999.00
Lil Dubs: $1,001.00

In your face!

Week zero was invented by ancient Indian mathmeticians, but Mesoamericans probably also discovered it

IT'S BACK BABY. Very exciting. I cannot remember how I did stuff.

Florida (-7.5) My favorite football game I ever attended was the 2001 Florida-Auburn game, in which a mediocre Auburn team started the Tommy Tuberville special of taking bad Auburn teams and beating much better ones, especially Florida. At halftime, my dad and I sat down and decided that Auburn having a halftime lead was enough for us to be happy with the outcome of the game, no matter what happened. Prince Damon's game-winning field goal! Look at this awful CFL photo:

The Nice Bookie:

With a storm a-brewing, I'll bet $11 on the game to go under 47, and $11 on Florida to cover the 7.5. If I win both, I get $20! If I'm half right, I get -$1! What a foolish decision.

Why settle for a Week Zero when you could get with a Weak Zero (me)

Focusing all of my energy on this one pick.

Florida -7.5 It won't be close but it won't be a blowout. It will just be terrible to watch.

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Why not, huh? Let's get the bills slingin!

I will just this once repeat myself: I expect this game to be terrible. Gimme $1.10 on Under 47.5 points at -110. I stand to win one crisp dollar.

welcome back football, you awful, spiteful abomination

I won last year, let's all remember that. I am remembering it right now. Before that, you won twice! We can both puff out our chests proudly. I'm puffing my chest right now.

2016
Chark Week: 50-45-2
Wes Weak: 44-51-2

2017
Charles de Gaulle: 49-46-3
Wes the Bald: 45-50-3

2018
Charlie Hustle: 48-48-0, $299.70
Wesley Mussel: 52-44-0, $1,326.95

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But enough about the past. History is stupid.

The rules this year are the same, I guess. We pick all non-1AA SEC games against the spread. We each start with $1,000 (real dollars this year, not) and we each have to wager 25% of our current bankroll each week (excluding week 0). You can get the odds from any remotely reputable sportsbook. Picks should be in Thursdays at 5 pm.

Week 0 (zero):
Miami (Florida) vs Florida (Florida) (-7.5) @ Orlando (Florida)

You're free to wager your fake money this week but you don't have to. The Nice Bookie won't make you.

Let the games begin!

Scared to death, scared to look, they shook, cause ain't no such things as halfway crooks

health is a skill

Prior to his success toting the rock on the gridiron, Kenny's passion in his formative years was cascading through the skies in a hot air balloon with his father, Gerald. Kenny became the youngest balloon pilot in New Jersey history to complete a transcontinental voyage in 1992, when at the age of 9 he trekked alone from his home state to Palo-alto California, isolated in the basket of his airborne vehicle he named "Tabitha." Kenny eventually drifted away from his passion of skyward transportation at the age of 13 when he broke the Garden State Pop Warner league record for single season rush yards with 6,969 in his final campaign before wreaking havoc in the high school ranks.

Kenny Irons, accessed August 6, 2019

Here I am, and in this city, with a fistful of dollars, and baby, you'd better believe

on this day in 1985

Female eyes

What's the best song about women with different kinds of eyes? Sound off in the comments or call in now to cast your vote.

Then you find you're back in Vegas with a handle in your hand

Lasagna Cat

How in the heck have we gone eleven years on this blog and not had Lasagna Cat? I love Lasagna Cat. It is impossible that this has happened.



What is the point of this website? What are we even doing here.

So much rhythm, grace, and debonair from one man, Lord

Freedoom

For our readers who lack a modern gaming console, you can get a free version of Doom called, you guessed it, Freedoom. You know your least favorite levels from Doom and Doom II? What if you could get a game that was mostly those, without the personality of the original game? You can!

¿Dónde estás, matador?