Happy Mother's Day!

Schoolsoutforsummer.

It had to be. It just had to.

5.27.09

surprised Charlie hasn't linked to this already

Don't front. You've got nothing better to do.

My dad died of alcoholism... AHHHHHH!

Paranoia the destroyer

Baseball

It just kinda de-emphasizes the whole impact of the BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, you know? Plus, where's my fucking HEYCOLDBEER and HEYHOTDOG guy? I totally saw the HEYPRETZEL guy, but missed the other guys because of BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA and I didn't hear BAMARAMARAMAheyhotdogRAM-ARAMARAMA, see? Look, if you go to a baseball game and it's 900-million-degrees of brain-baking sunshine like it was the other day, you're not really gonna be up for a whole lot of yelling and screaming while you are Root-Root-Rooting for the Home Team like it says in the Bible we are supposed to do. You sit on ass and watch the fucking Game, man. You pay attention. You observe the pitching. You notice the shifts in the infield and outfield when different batters are up. You knock back a coupla hot dogs or maybe a "Half-Smoke." You drain a cold beer or two. Life is Good for a few short hours. And guess what? That is totally Appropriate for the Baseball.

It is a pastoral sport, man. The famous Dead Comedian George Carlin did a whole "Baseball vs. Football" routine, wherein he made clear the Militaristic Theme of Football vs. the Lovely Day in The Park Theme of Baseball, so you can go and Google that shit while I ask the Rhetorical Question: Why the fuck are they always trying to make the Baseball like Football? Can't we have stuff be different? I have attended and enjoyed Football games and it's usually way fucking colder than I would like it to be and everybody is all amped in the fullest non-military expression of Militaristic Society, and that's the Football, man, bring a Pocket Flask, all kindsa Greco-Roman Weirdness, people hollering with painted faces, screaming, "Tailgating" with Feverish Consumption of Mass Quantities of alco-beverage, Roasting of various Meats, lotsa BAMARAMARAMARAMARAMARAMA, and vomiting in the parking lot. Good Times, man, seriously. It all makes sense in the Gladiatorial Empire of a sport that celebrates the Big Game with Roman Numerals, totally fucking awesome, man, just don't get your Football in my Baseball, OK?

God Bless

Useful

Do I Have Pig Flu (.com)?

wait until the twinkie starts spewing.

3E approves

spurious CHARGES!

take that you stupid, filthmongering pigeon.

UPDATE:

Birmingham City done got promoted. Here's a live shot of the celebration:

Small fish, meet big pond: Three Contenders

For one of these three teams, this weekend will see PROMOTION CLINCHED. Until then, the only thing clinched will be butt cheeks! In anticipation!

Exhibit A: Birmingham City

Location: The Pittsburgh of England.

Nickname: The Blues, Bluenoses.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: St. Andrew's Stadium.

Crest: Geographically dubious. Why is there a gigantic lake in Poland?

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically speaking!): They're from Birmingham and they're righteous enough to proudly bear it in their name unlike their snooty neighbors at Aston Villa.

What they'll bring to the table (literally): In 2008, they were doomed from the beginning unlucky to be relegated. In 2010 they'll be extremely fucking lucky eager to stay up.

Exhibit B: Sheffield United

Location: Sheffield, South Yorkshire.

Nickname: The Blades. (the sword kind, not the daywalker kind)

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Bramall Lane.

Crest: I don't remember a Prince of Persia merit badge, but okay.

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically speaking!): Not a whole lot. Just a date on the schedule.

What they'll bring to the table (literally): A city like Sheffield not having a Premier League team... why, it's like Youngstown not having an NFL team! They couldn't stay afloat last time, but ask any Sheffield United fan: "WATHC OUT MANUNITD WERE COMIN 4 U." Blades Up!

Exhibit C: Reading (pronounced "Redding")

Location: Reading, Berkshire.

Nickname: The Royals.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Madejski Stadium.

Crest: I love things that are quartered.

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically speaking!): A couple of American players, I think.

What they'll bring to the table (literally): Call me Krazy, but despite being the longest shot at promotion, I think they have the best shot at staying up if they get there. They were a top 10 club just a few years ago.

I am not a fan of horse racing

The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved

I took the expressway out to the track, driving very fast and jumping the monster car back and forth between lanes, driving with a beer in one hand and my mind so muddled that I almost crushed a Volkswagen full of nuns when I swerved to catch the right exit. There was a slim chance, I thought, that I might be able to catch the ugly Britisher before he checked in.

But Steadman was already in the press box when I got there, a bearded young Englishman wearing a tweed coat and RAF sunglasses. There was nothing particularly odd about him. No facial veins or clumps of bristly warts. I told him about the motel woman’s description and he seemed puzzled. “Don’t let it bother you,” I said. “Just keep in mind for the next few days that we’re in Louisville, Kentucky. Not London. Not even New York. This is a weird place. You’re lucky that mental defective at the motel didn’t jerk a pistol out of the cash register and blow a big hole in you.” I laughed, but he looked worried.

“Just pretend you’re visiting a huge outdoor loony bin,” I said. “If the inmates get out of control we’ll soak them down with Mace.” I showed him the can of “Chemical Billy,” resisting the urge to fire it across the room at a rat-faced man typing diligently in the Associated Press section. We were standing at the bar, sipping the management’s Scotch and congratulating each other on our sudden, unexplained luck in picking up two sets of fine press credentials. The lady at the desk had been very friendly to him, he said. “I just told her my name and she gave me the whole works.”

Happy May Day

May Day, the most awkward of holidays.

May Day is associated with the Celtic festival of Beltane and the Germanic festival of Walpurgis Night. May Day falls exactly half of a year from November 1, another cross-quarter day which is also associated with various northern European pagan and neopagan festivals such as Samhain. May Day marks the end of the uncomfortable winter half of the year in the Northern hemisphere, and it has traditionally been an occasion for popular and often raucous celebrations, regardless of the locally prevalent political or religious establishment.

As Europe became Christianized the pagan holidays lost their religious character and either changed into popular secular celebrations, as with May Day, or were replaced by new Christian holidays as with Christmas, Easter, and All Saint's Day. In the twentieth century, many neopagans began reconstructing the old traditions and celebrating May Day as a pagan religious festival again.

[...]

May Day can refer to various labour celebrations conducted on May 1 that commemorate the fight for the eight hour day. May Day in this regard is called International Workers' Day, or Labour Day. The idea for a "workers holiday" began in Australia in 1856. With the idea having spread around the world, the choice of May 1st became a commemoration by the Second International for the people involved in the 1886 Haymarket affair.

Tha Captainz first attempt at BLOG: August 13th, 2005

Got dumped. Took a while to get back on the blog wagon. This is why Tha Captain now prefers dinner-for-one. The God-tastic quote at the beginning is from one Eric Fillebaum, the blond bombshell that makes other blond bombshells feel inadequate by comparison.

13th-Aug-2005 12:59 am - call me clorox because i'm harmful if ingested

"I have not posted in months, but what a better time to do it than a big thanks to everyone.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the prayers that were sent up to the big guy while I was in the Hospital. I have never in all my days felt the power of prayer like I did then."


right on, big guy! (but not the big guy upstairs!)

well i have not posted in months, but what a better time to do it than a big thanks to everyone. ha, not really. you're all tools.

on a more serious note, i apologize to everyone for the long layoff. i was just getting my shit together for an awesome post (don't call it a comeback!) but i lost all my notes. man, i would lose the shirt off my back if it weren't attached to my shoulders! seriously, though, i have been thinking long and hard about where i need to go with this livejournal o' mine. any suggestions can be mailed to jesus@bible.org. hehe, who knows if he even checks it.

i am currently not wearing a shirt! too bad you peepholes don't know who i am or even my gender! perhaps you should be aroused. perhaps disgusted. perhaps a bit confused since earlier i botched a metaphor and said my shirt was attached to my shoulders! whoooa nelly, this web is tangly! well, i am out like a prom dress!

• Mood:witheredblisteredburntpeeled
• Music:johnny cash!

BOING.

Apparently awkwardboners.com is no more. sorry.

Shelves for life

Book shelves that turn into a coffin. Also "Shelves For Life is a self-initiated project to further explore ideas of built-in sentimentality within our possessions. The aim is to make stronger emotional relationships with our belongings and encourage life-long use." Eh, whatever. I think I have enough books to make seven or eight coffins.



I like this, but it's not how I want to be interred. Put me out to sea like this, although I'd prefer to be a vaguely humanoid concrete structure.

your Congress, ladies and gentlemen

Hoot Smalley sounds like a cartoon character, a tiny owl with a big heart.