3E Wishes Charlie Kirk A Happy Birthday

Admittedly I haven't really kept up with what he's been up to in the last few months, but I hope he's enjoying this exciting slate of football action. I know he is a big football fan. 

:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

Elevating the discourse: 3-4 (38-25)

Of course he takes the elevator: 4-3 (32-31)

:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

LSU at Vanderbilt (-2.5)

Oklahoma (-5.5) at South Carolina

Old Mist at Georgia (-7.5)

TAMU (-7.5) at Arkansas

Missississississippi State at Florida (-8.5)

Texas (-12.5) at Kentucky

Tennessee at Alabama (-9.5)

Missouri (-1.5) at Auburn

Seven Weeks... Seven Games... Seven Sins!

A thing I think about occasionally: The show Seventh Heaven featured a family (the Camdens) consisting of seven members (parents and five kids). Eventually, they decided to expand the family. To maintain the synergy (seven-gy), they had twins so it was seven kids. It's good to have an order to things.

I was going to thematically assign one sin to each game, but instead I'm just assigning every sin to Hugh Freeze.

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Alabama -2.5  A good sin to put here would have been Lust. Because of sex.

Old Mist -32.5  Well this could have been Lust too.

Texas -2.5  Gluttony because of the State Fair where they fry everything. Also Lust. But that doesn't matter because Hugh Freeze got all seven.

Tennessee -12.5  Maybe Arkansas will do a UCLA type thing but on the other hand, no they're not going to do that. Not sure what the sin would have been here. Maybe Lust.

Florida +7.5   Lust!

Georgia -3.5   You guessed it. Lust.

South Carolina +8.5   LSU doesn't seem that good? They can't score, beating Clemson in week 1 doesn't seem that impressive because Clemson needed to play UNC to figure out how to score points, and LSU needed Florida to throw an interception on every drive. Also, "You can't spell Lust without LSU!" Also also, "You can't spell South Carolina without Lust!" This game is hooorney.

[to the tune of Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On"] It's Spooky Time

Alabama -2.5 @ Mizzou: This is an odd line, to me, an idiot. Is Missouri really good? 

Wazzou @ Old Mist -32.5: I mean sure

Oklahoma +2.5 @ Texas: seems possible

Arkansas @ Tennessee -12.5: It will be extremely funny if Arkansas comes out and scores like 45 points. Bobby Petrino had a great gameplan that he kept hidden, waiting for this moment! The reality I think is that Petrino is past his best-by date. 

Florida @ TAMU -7.5: I think "Texas has some problems" makes more sense than "Florida has turned it around" but am prepared to be wrong.

Georgia -3.5 @ Auburn: This is the last game for Freeze, in a vibes sense. Either he has still got something and, knowing that he may be playing for his job, can put a game plan with some tricks and schemes together and win this, or he's washed. 

South Carolina @ LSU -8.5: South Carolina turned out to be way worse than I thought.  

Week Seven: Spookey!

Ghouls, goblins, etc.: 3-2 (28-28)

Normal stuff. Not spookey.: 4-1 (35-21)

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Alabama -2.5 @ Mizzou

Wazzou @ Old Mist -32.5

Oklahoma @ Texas -2.5

Arkansas @ Tennessee -12.5

Florida @ TAMU -7.5

Georgia -3.5 @ Auburn

South Carolina @ LSU -8.5

Week Six Flying By The Season Is (Yoda)

*Yoda doing a Jar Jar Binks impersonation* Makah some picks meesah will

Georgia -20.5  They're mad! grr.

Alabama -10.5   They're happy! grr.

Florida +6.5  I saw some longhorns yesterday. Big ol boys. That is unrelated to my pick as I am aware that the game will be played by football players and not cows.

Kent St. +45.5   Oklahoma almost lost to Auburn.

Mississippi St. +14.5  TAMU almost lost to Auburn.

flying week really wow season's six by

Kentucky at Georgia -20.5: Georgia needs to look good after their loss. Kentucky is bad. 

Vanderbilt at Alabama -10.5: Revenge tour 

Texas -6.5 at Florida: This doesn't feel normal, these teams playing, and I don't like it. 

Kent State +45.5 at Oklahoma: yuck

Mississippi State +14.5 at TAMU: This is where I would cut all my The Nice Bookie covidbux. Mississippi State might straight up beat TAMU, which barely beat an Auburn team with practically negative offensive yards. 

Do you think we will make friendship bracelets in The Camps

Auburn head basketball coach Bruce Pearl: 4-4 (31-20)

Alabama Senator Bruce Pearl: 3-5 (25-26)

:o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  :o  

Looks like it's off week for many of us. 

Kentucky at Georgia -20.5

Vanderbilt at Alabama -10.5

Texas -6.5 at Florida

Kent State at Oklahoma -45.5

Mississippi state at TAMU -14.5

remember when Mike Gundy wore an OAN shirt to go fishing

Notre Dame -4.5 @ Arkansas: This is apparently a trendy upset pick, and a lot of the computers like Arkansas, and I just don't see it. 

Utah St. @ Vanderbilt -22.5: obviously I'm invested in a game involving one of Auburn's three biggest rivals

LSU @ Old Mist -1.5: feels like this is wrong

Auburn +6.5 @ TAMU: Auburn will definitely lose, but they'll lose closer than 6.5 points.

Tennessee -7.5 @ Mississippi St.: seems low, even in notoriously hostile Starkville, MS

Alabama @ Georgia -2.5: Alabama State and Georgia State should also be playing today

UMass @ Mizzou -43.5: why not

Kentucky +6.5 @ South Carolina: Vanderbilt being an above-average quality team is really throwing off my already-shaky grasp of which former SEC East teams have already played

Thatsa Lotta Points? Yous-ah Need-ah Think-ah Twice-ah!

Got curious!

Favorites by 40 or more points ATS:

2016: 1-1

2017: 0-1

2018: 0-3

2019: 0-2

2020: n/a

2021: 2-0

2022: 4-1

2023: 1-1-1

2024: 5-1

2025: 1-2

All-Time: 14-12-1

    Pre-Covid: 1-7

    Post-Covid:  13-5-1

Alabama: 7-3 

UGA: 0-4-1 

Texas: 2-1

Tennessee: 3-0

LSU: 0-2

Auburn: 0-1

TAMU: 0-1

Oklahoma: 1-0

Old Mist: 1-0

Georgia's record fits with my conjecture that 95% of their games their games are:

    a) blowing the doors off a good team

    b) farting around and beating a bad team by two touchdowns

    c) losing to Alabama

Kent St. (1-2) and New Mexico St. (2-1) have both been one of the 40+ point underdogs three times. UMass (2-0) is making its third such appearance this week! Time to ignore all of this and make some picks!

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Notre Dame -4.5

Vanderbilt -22.5

LSU +1.5

TAMU -6.5

Tennessee -7.5

Alabama +2.5

Umass +43.5 Thatsa Lotta Points! 

South Carolina -6.5

Week Five wow season's continuing to fly by huh

The Tylenol Bandit: 6-3 (22-21)

Captain Autism: 4-5 (27-16)

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Notre Dame -4.5 @ Arkansas

Utah St. @ Vanderbilt -22.5

LSU @ Old Mist -1.5

Auburn @ TAMU -6.5

Tennessee -7.5 @ Mississippi St.

Alabama @ Georgia -2.5

UMass @ Mizzou -43.5

Kentucky @ South Carolina -6.5

The season really is flying by, you're right. Auburn will be losing the Iron Bowl before we know it.

Picks lookin like a damn seafood buffet: whole lotta favorites, baby.

Arkansas -6.5   Shrimp, baby.

Tennessee -39.5   Oysters, sis.

Oklahoma -6.5   Scallops, chief.

Tulane +12.5   Olives. Who put olives on the damn seafood buffet. 

Mississippi St. -21.5   Salmon, kimosabe.

Mizzou -13.5   Crab claws, homie.

Miami (FL) -7.5   Calamari, big guy.

Vanderbilt -26.5   Crawfish, captain.

Sam Houston +41.5   Carrot salad. Seriously, who is responsible for this.

In honor of Star Trek, I now will be seven of nine

Arkansas at Memphis +6.5: I still don't believe in Arkansas. As a concept, I mean. 

UAB at Tennessee -39.5: that's a lotta points, but UAB is bad

Auburn at Oklahoma -6.5: never

Tulane at Old Mist -12.5: This should be a conference game. Also, I guess I'm committed to Old Mist letting me down. 

Northern Illinois +21.5 at Mississippi State: Turner the Burner baby

South Carolina + 13.5 at Missouri: looks like Sellers will play

Flo Rida at Miami -7.5: I'm not doing the thing about lines looking wrong because I've been so stupid so far, but this line looks very low. 

Georgia State at Vanderbilt -26.5: [railroad union organizer getting roughed up by the Pinkertons voice] Fine, fine, I think Vanderbilt is good.

Sam Houston +41.5 at Texas: the beauty of sport

week four wow the season's really flying by huh

A pretty good record back when they played 11 games: 8-3 (23-11)

A bad record back when they played 11 games: 5-6 (16-18)

Not going well for some of us, but for others, things are going ... rather well. 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Arkansas -6.5 at Memphis

UAB at Tennessee -39.5

Auburn at Oklahoma -6.5

Tulane at Old Mist -12.5

Northern Illinois at Mississippi State -21.5

South Carolina at Missouri -13.5

Flo Rida at Miami -7.5

Georgia State at Vanderbilt -26.5

Sam Houston at Texas -41.5

For commemoration reasons, I intend to get nine out of these eleven picks correct

Changing my Halo handle to "1Shot2DaNeck"

Oklahoma -24.5 @ Temple: weird

Wisconsin +20.5 @ Alabama: I may be drinking too deeply of the bottle labeled Hope

South Alabama +24.5 @ Auburn: Unpatriotic to beat a team called USA

Georgia @ Tennessee +3.5: [steely resolve melting]: oh what the heck, maybe things will get better instead of steady decline into violence and disorder

UL Lafayette +27.7 @ Mizzou: This is definitely a game I was already aware was happening.

UTEP +41.5 @ Texas: That's a lot of points, even against UTEP 

Arkansas @ Old Mist -9.5: The Pitt Man Cometh 

Florida +9.5 @ LSU: Florida turning around and beating LSU would be a hoot

TAMU @ Notre Dame -6.5: SEC expansion has really gone too far

EMU @ Kentucky -24.5: I'd love to be the kind of rich pervert who could throw $10,000 down on this game and not even care 

Vanderbilt @ South Carolina -5.5: let's settle down on the Vanderbilt stuff 

Never Three-get

Norm MacDonald voice: 9/11

So, I first drafted this on Tuesday. Reasonably, my expectation was that no internet-famous bigots were going to get shot in the neck before it posted on 9/11. In that spirit, here are some other things that are going to be wrong!

Temple +24.5   The opposite of a quotidian matchup, imo.

Alabama -20.5   *Simpsons theme song voice* Ty Siiimpsooon

South Alabama +24.5   Can't think of anything.

Georgia +3.5   Moving along.

Mizzou -27.5   That guy was an amputee. Wild.

UTEP +41.5   *Primus voice* too many po-eeeeeeents

Arkansas +9.5    Arkansas can only get 7.5 points now. I never say no to a bargain.

LSU -9.5   Florida can only get 7.5 points now. I hate bargains!

Notre Dame -6.5   1991 Cotton Bowl ass matchup. (Looked this up now. TAMU and ND played in the Cotton Bowl after the 1987, 1992, and 1993 seasons.)

Kentucky -24.5   Krogerfield (like Cloverfield). Someone should do a photoshop of that. 

Vanderbilt +5.5   Spurrier won 11 games 3 straight years in 2011-13 without going to the SEC championship game. That's wild.

Week 3(E)

America's Sweetheart: 6-6 (11-12)

America's Sweetheart (anti-vax): 9-3 (15-8)

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You know what to do next (flip a coin is what I do).

Oklahoma -24.5 @ Temple

Wisconsin @ Alabama -20.5

South Alabama @ Auburn -24.5

Georgia -3.5 @ Tennessee

UL Lafayette @ Mizzou -27.5

UTEP @ Texas -41.5

Arkansas @ Old Mist -9.5

Florida @ LSU -9.5

TAMU @ Notre Dame -6.5

EMU @ Kentucky -24.5

Vanderbilt @ South Carolina -5.5

The boat they blew up was actually Knight Boat from Simpsons

Every week there's a canal. Or an inlet. Or a fjord.

San Jose St. + 36.5   I want to change this but I can't. I already typed it in to the computer.

TAMU - 29.5   Mike Elko looks like the kid from Christmas Story all grown up.

Kentucky +10.5   Two words: Kroger. Field.

Mizzou -6.5  Mizzou is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.

South Florida +17.5   Not dealing with Florida's shit right now.

Arkansas -23.5   Arkansas is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.

La Tech +37.5   In my mind, LSU always putters around in this kind of game. Remember when Brian Kelly did that fake southern accent at his introduction.

Arizona St. - 6.5   Mississippi St. seems bad.

Oklahoma -5.5   Oklahoma is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.

Ball St. +43.5   With respect to the context of this week, please do not underestimate my seriousness when I say "Thatsa Lotta Points!"

Virginia Tech -1.5 Eeexit liiiight

Alabama -36.5   It's Clobberin' Time.

I wonder what the Belgians think of the SEC's crummy Week 2 schedule

San José State (+36.5) @ Texas: that's a lotta points

Utah State @ Texas A&M (-29.5): not too many points

Old Mist (-10.5) @ Kentucky: We haven't had much of a season yet, but this line seems insanely low, like a touchdown low. If we were doing The Nice Bookie, this is where I would likely lose a big chunk of my bankroll.

Kansas (+6.5) @ Missouri: Boarder War

South Florida @ Florida (-17.5): not too many points

Arkansas State @ Arkansas (-23.5): not too many points

Louisiana Tech (+37.5) @ LSU: that's a lotta points

Arizona State (-6.5) @ Mississippi State: Not as insanely low as Old Mist-Kentucky, but this still seems low.

Michigan @ Oklahoma (-5.5): "Helmet game" means I'll probably watch this stinker between two mediocre teams.

Ball State (+43.5) @ Auburn: that's a lotta points

Vanderbilt (+1.5) @ Virginia Tech: The Hokies did not impress last week. I don't dignify playoff talk because the CFB playoffs really shouldn't exist, but the talk about Vandy as a sneaky playoff contender seems premature.

UL Monroe (+36.5) @ Alabama: lmao or should I say LA-MO.

"[After Alabama last started 0-1, there] were four coordinated Islamist terrorist suicide attacks by al-Qaeda against the United States in 2001."

A winning record: 6-5

A worse, losing record: 5-6

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San José State @ Texas (-36.5)

Utah State @ Texas A&M (-29.5)

Ole Miss (-10.5) @ Kentucky

Kansas @ Missouri (-6.5)

South Florida @ Florida (-17.5)

Arkansas State @ Arkansas (-23.5)

Louisiana Tech @ LSU (-37.5)

Arizona State (-6.5) @ Mississippi State

Michigan @ Oklahoma (-5.5)

Ball State @ Auburn (-43.5)

Vanderbilt @ Virginia Tech (-1.5)

UL Monroe @ Alabama (-36.5)

More like Lamer Day weekend

I've been informed that it's football season. 

Auburn @ Bay, Lord of the Bears +2.5: Auburn is considerably more talented, especially along the lines, but they also have an inconsistent, pervert coach who might be dying from a lifetime of alcohol abuse and general degeneracy. Losing this game feels very in character. 

Texas @ Ohio St. -1.5: Ohio State losing to Michigan and, say, Minnesota, but winning the national title again, is about as hopeful a possibility as I can realistically envision. 

Syracuse vs Tennessee -13.5: orange joke

Mississippi St. -12 @ Southern Miss: Glad they're playing. 

Toledo +7.5 @ Kentucky: Kentucky might be Extremely Bad this year. 

Marshall +39.5 @ Georgia: nah

Alabama -13.5 @ Florida St.: there's a lot of emotional weight on this game, which will be a laugher and make me sad

UTSA @ TAMU -22.5: People underestimate how big Texas is as a state. Did you know: it is further from Texas A&M to San Antonio than it is from Texas A&M to Edmonton, Canada.

LSU @ Clemson -4: If I didn't already know and you just asked me where Dabo is from, I bet I'd say Pelham. 

Georgia St. +38 @ Old Mist: seems like a lot of points

Virginia Tech vs South Carolina -8: Game of the week for me. I'm curious if people know that Shane Beamer's dad, Frank Beamer, was a professor of environmental science at Virginia Tech. House divided!!