Photobomb

Photojackers of the world, unite.

That's MR. Post-Metal God, to you, sir.

clever title

I don't have much time so I'ma spin it for ya quick.

Barcelona v Chelsea: All you need to know, Barca outshoots the Blues 20 - 3, outcorners them 10 - 2, Chelsea hacks the Blaugrana 20 times, yet the only pair of numbers that matters is nothin/nothin.

Manchester United v Arsenal: All you need to know, if Manu scores in London next week, the Gunners need three(3) goals to get their advance on. It's 1-0 to the Red Devils.

Get the fuck on with your life!

Seatbelts and risk

But before we break out the champagne substitute to honor the three-point seat belt's demi-centennial, we might also consider the possibility that some drivers have caused accidents precisely because they were wearing seat belts.

This counterintuitive idea was introduced in academic circles several years ago and is broadly accepted today. The concept is that humans have an inborn tolerance for risk—meaning that as safety features are added to vehicles and roads, drivers feel less vulnerable and tend to take more chances. The feeling of greater security tempts us to be more reckless. Behavioral scientists call it "risk compensation."

The principle was observed long before it was named. Soon after the first gasoline-powered horseless carriages appeared on English roadways, the secretary of the national Motor Union of Great Britain and Ireland suggested that all those who owned property along the kingdom's roadways trim their hedges to make it easier for drivers to see. In response, a retired army colonel named Willoughby Verner fired off a letter to the editor of the Times of London, which printed it on July 13, 1908.

"Before any of your readers may be induced to cut their hedges as suggested by the secretary of the Motor Union they may like to know my experience of having done so," Verner wrote. "Four years ago I cut down the hedges and shrubs to a height of 4ft for 30 yards back from the dangerous crossing in this hamlet. The results were twofold: the following summer my garden was smothered with dust caused by fast-driven cars, and the average pace of the passing cars was considerably increased. This was bad enough, but when the culprits secured by the police pleaded that ‘it was perfectly safe to go fast' because ‘they could see well at the corner,' I realised that I had made a mistake." He added that he had since let his hedges and shrubs grow back.

Buckle Up Your Seatbelt and Behave

Negative.

Hello,

I know that by no means have I ever appeared to be the best of students, but I wanted to apologize greatly, you have helped me out a lot by allowing me to make up the exams. I am sure by the time you read this you will have already looked at my test and noted the abysmal grade it will receive. I know that this may seem odd to ask but I really need a decent grade in you class (though i know i have shown no evidence of the sort). I was wondering if I would appeal to you, to allow me to take my final grade on monday and use it to replace this test grade... I will be making an A on the final. (I can't afford not to)

Thanks
*Student*

From the Blurry Collector's Set

Insomnia

I used to have the sort of horrible insomnia this woman talks about:

Knowing I could get only six hours of sleep at the most, I would start to panic. Worrying about not sleeping kept me from sleeping, and by the time my alarm clock sounded, I was lucky if I’d gotten four hours.

So I'm glad they didn't have Ambien when I was in high school. The reason I think that article is interesting, though, is because of how easy it is to become addicted to something. Even something as apparently innocuous as Ambien. Now I understand why so many sleep aid commercials talk about being "non-habit forming."

Disturbing Strokes

Crazy, but that's how it goes

It's official:

Largest awesome-flag-to-horrible-place ratio: BOTSWANA!

The luscious blue, the inky black, just the right amount of fimbriation (I always want to call it "infibulation," but that's horrible and yet appropriate for the living hell that is sub-Sarahan Africa), it's just right!

Congratulations, and good luck with your AIDS!

Movies I should be ashamed of owning.

WARNING: grainy!

crickets

TUSCARORA, Nev. -- The residents of this tiny town, anticipating an imminent attack, will be ready with a perimeter defense. They'll position their best weapons at regular intervals, faced out toward the desert to repel the assault.

Then they'll turn up the volume.

Rock music blaring from boomboxes has proved one of the best defenses against an annual invasion of Mormon crickets. The huge flightless insects are a fearsome sight as they advance across the desert in armies of millions that march over, under or into anything in their way.

But the crickets don't much fancy Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones, the townspeople figured out three years ago. So next month, Tuscarorans are preparing once again to get out their extension cords, array their stereos in a quarter-circle and tune them to rock station KHIX, full blast, from dawn to dusk. "It is part of our arsenal," says Laura Moore, an unemployed college professor and one of the town's 13 residents.

In flyspeck villages like Tuscarora, crickets are a serious matter. The critters hatch in April in the barren soil of northern Nevada, western Utah and other parts of the Great Basin, quickly growing into blood-red, ravenous insects more than 2 inches long.

Then they march. In columns that in peak years can be two miles long and a mile across, swarms move across the badlands in search of food. Starting in about May, they march through August or so, before stopping to lay eggs for next year and die.

In between, they make an awful mess. They destroy crops and lots of the other leafy vegetation. They crawl all over houses, and some get inside. "You'll wake up and there'll be one sitting on your forehead, looking at you," says Ms. Moore.

Against Insect Plague, Nevadans Wield Ultimate Weapon: Hard Rock

Not exactly a revelation

Fast Food: Ads v. reality

Joe Bob Briggs, Monstervision, boobs, etc.

I loved Monstervision. Add TNT to the list of channels that aren't as good as they used to be.



Here's the scene in question, resplendent in all its booby, vaginey glory. I guess I'm done with the charade that this is, in any way, a family blog.

In real life everyone is like this

Customer: “Oh! Is this smoked salmon?”
Me: “No ma’am, it’s actually sashimi, the Japanese way of serving fish, so it’s cleaned and served raw.”
Customer: “Raw? That can’t be healthy! Are you sure you are allowed to serve raw fish? Someone could get sick!”
Me: “I can assure you, raw salmon won’t get anyone sick. We have served this for years.”
Customer: “But it’s raw! Someone will get sick! That’s what raw fish does - gets people sick!”
Me: “Ma’am, the Japanese have been eating raw fish for centuries. I think it will be OK.”
Customer: “Well, they also lost World War 2. I don’t think this is safe!”

...

Customer: “I bought this computer here, and it’s broken. I want to return it.”
(She dumps out the bag, and inside is a laptop that is broken completely in half.)
Customer: “It was like this when I opened the box.”
Me: “Okay… well, do you have the receipt, and the original packaging?”
Customer: *hands me a receipt*
Me: “Ma’am, this receipt is from three months ago.”
Customer: “I know, I bought it three months ago but I just opened it today.”
Me: “Well, do you have the original packaging?”
Customer: “No, I threw it away.”
Me: “So, let me get this straight. You opened the box, three months after buying the computer, and the laptop was broken in half, so you threw out the box?”
Customer: “Yeah, I didn’t think I needed it.”
Me: “I really don’t think you can return this.”
Customer: “Alright, but you can fix it. It’s still got a manufacturer warranty.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but manufacturer warranties don’t cover accidental damage, just defects.”
Customer: “But it’s not accidental damage! It was like this when I bought it!”
Me: “I find that really hard to believe, and so would anyone else. Nobody in their right mind would believe that it came out of the box like this.”
Customer: “But why would I lie about that?”
Me: “To get a free repair? I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. Your warranty does not cover accidental damage.”
Customer: *thinks for a moment* “But what if it wasn’t an accident?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “What if it wasn’t an accident? I did it on purpose. That’s not accidental damage.”
Me: “…”
Customer: “Hmmmmmmm?”
Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

Not Always Right

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

Welcome back, "Boils" and "Ghouls!"

I'm tired of this already. It's the Birmingham Stallions. The horse puns write themselves.

My favorite weather pattern happens to be when it rains mud

And then for those of you that don't have calendars at home, Sunday'll be the first day of May, and, uh, so you might circle that.



Well, you're gonna be dead in a hundred years anyway, live dangerously.

Add this one to the jams list.

to prove he's alive:

STRAIGHT CRASH, HOMEY.

Tha Captain doesn't follow NASCAR as fervently as he once did, but today is Talladega. Drink from the chalice of destruction and enjoy the Old Alabama Speedplant's greatest hits.

The Father/Son Talk part 2

KoolDad69: Son, is that you?
baseballguy86: omg dad wut r u doin lol
KoolDad69: I was wondering if you wanted to talk. I notice you spend a lot of time on here. Do you remember 6 years ago when I started to tell you about Tool?
baseballguy86: yeha ok a lil
KoolDad69: Well, I assume that you've probably heard some things from some of the other boys at school since then, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page of if you had any questions.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yeh its kewl
KoolDad69: I'm not sure what that means, but I just wanted to be certain that you knew about Aenima, their 1996 album that I personally believe to be their magnum opus. Have you heard any of it at school?
baseballguy86: a lil. it rocks prety much
KoolDad69: You're damn right it does!
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: lol yeh
KoolDad69: Does this thing have video?
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yeh it does theirs a button 4 it on top
KoolDad69:

KoolDad69: I first fell in love with Tool after listening to a 30 second realplayer clip of that song. Do you know what realplayer is?
KoolDad69: lol yeh is that 4 pron
KoolDad69: What do you know about pron?
KoolDad69: porn?
baseballguy86: nuthin jus jokin
KoolDad69: I don't think it was funny. It might have been, how old are you? 12? I guess I knew about porn when I was 12. Whatever.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: yes
KoolDad69: Alright, well it was five long years until Tool's next album: Lateralus. In the meantime they released Salival, a boxed set with a mostly live CD and a VHS or DVD of their videos. Do you know what VHS is?
baseballguy86: its like a dvd
KoolDad69: Yes, pretty much. Bigger, though.
KoolDad69: Are you there?
baseballguy86: lol yeh
KoolDad69: Let's see if this one works.

KoolDad69: How about that, huh? Pretty cool.
baseballguy86: yeh their good
KoolDad69: Is this how you talk to everyone on this thing?
baseballguy86: yeh y
KoolDad69: They don't call you names or anything? Make fun of your spelling? You can tell me.
baseballguy86: no but im bout 2 call my gf so im gettin off here
KoolDad69: You have a girlfriend? Does she know about Tool?
baseballguy86: yeh she knoz all about theyre 2006 release 10000 days
KoolDad69: I love you.
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