insert distasteful Hurricane Milton joke here

South Carolina +21 @ Alabama: I don't think them Cocks is gonna win, but Alabama might have some issues on defense [smash cut to Alabama's 51-3 victory]

Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass: classic SEC match up

Texas -15 vs Oklahoma: [Collective Soul voice:] (that's where Red River goes)

Mississippi St. +34 @ Georgia: seems like a lot

Florida @ Tennessee -15.5: Leaning into the "bounce back game" narrative

Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU: seems that if LSU couldn't win last year with Video Game Numbers Jayden Daniels, they won't win now, right? 

Vanderbilt +14 @ Kentucky: My thinking: this will either be a close Kentucky win/Vanderbilt win or an even bigger blowout than two touchdowns--either what Vandy is doing works or it doesn't.

Toot toot (boat sound)! It's week seven picks!

Alabama -21

Mizzou -27.5

Oklahoma +15

Georgia -34

Tennessee -15.5

LSU +3.5

Vanderbilt +14

Week Seven (as in.. the seven seas!)

An Actual Captain of a Ship: 3-3 (33-22)

Tha Captain: 2-4 (24-31)

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These are the seven seas:

Gulf of Mexico - South Carolina @ Alabama -21

Boston Harbor - Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass

Red Sea (that's where the Red River goes) - Texas -15 vs Oklahoma

Mobile Bay - Mississippi St. @ Georgia -34

Tampa Bay (RIP) - Florida @ Tennessee -15.5

The Bayou - Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU

Kroger Field - Vanderbilt @ Kentucky -14 (this feels disrespectful?)

Let's all meet at the Pink Pony Club to celebrate tonight's events

Congatulations to Vanderbilt, for beating Alabama for the first time since 1886, and to Auburn, to being a whore-hungry tire fire of a program.

Week Six wow season's really flying by huh

Mizzou @ TAMU -2: Let's see how stupid I am here. My initial impulse was, of course, Missouri is the better team. But when I looked at the schedules, I thought, well maybe not. Now I changed my pick. Am I moron? Time will tell.

Auburn +24 @ Georgia -24: Can't imagine how Auburn will conspire to lose this one in a fascinating and heartbreaking way. Wacky special teams and game delays are still in the mix, but a late-90s style beatdown from a superior East Division team is a good option too. 

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina: no idea about either one of these teams

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt: nah

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas: Pittman's last game??

UCF @ Florida +2.5: This is my "glad if I'm wrong" pick

oooh ah ah ah ah

Mizzou +2

Auburn +24

Old Mist -9.5

Alabama -23

Tennessee -13.5

Florida +2.5

what is the sound of one butt farting

it sounds like a fart, sis

Dr. Farts: 4-2 (30-19)

Mr. Farts: 5-1 (22-27)

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Mizzou @ TAMU -2

Auburn @ Georgia -24

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt It's cool that both Auburn and Alabama play their second biggest rivals this week.

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas

UCF -2.5 lol @ Florida