All Over But the Shouting (playoffs)

Once again, conclusive proof that we are the two smartest people in the world. You had the worst confidence point performance of all time. Great.

It's green this time

ADMIRAL ACKBAR VOICE ITS A SPLIT

 

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish (the year 2024)

Pick Them Classic (Games) will be decided today. If any of the following teams win over the next few days, I will win New Pick Them (Confidence).

Washington (+1)

Illinois (+9)

Baylor (-3.5)

Old Mist (-17)

Minnesota (-7.5)

Buffalo (-2.5)

They're going to write "Up 228-64 And Lost" on my tombstone.

NOW IN CALM, SOOTHING BLUE

 

Everyone Loves The Playoffs

Penn St. v Boise St. +11: wishful thinking

Texas -13.5 v Arizona St.: Future Conference Mates Collide

Ohio St. -2.5 v Oregon: It's hard to win a rematch. Also it's idiotic that this is a rematch of a conference game. 

Notre Dame v Georgia -2: I'm getting a sinking feeling about the future propaganda value of Georgia winning a national title in the first college football playoff with a backup quarterback. 

"In 2024 there will be a 12 team playoff. Boise St. & Arizona St. will be in the field."

More Surprising Probably:

1869 - ~2005: Boise St.

~2006 - Present: Arizona St.

------------------------------------------------

Penn St. -11

Arizona St. +13.5

Ohio St. -2.5

Notre Dame +2

NOW FEATURING MY DESKTOP BACKGROUND

 

quart of final playoff lines

Just submit whenever.

Penn St. -11 v Boise St.

Texas -13.5 v Arizona St.

Ohio St. -2.5 v Oregon

Notre Dame v Georgia -2

oh yeah, there are sticky notes on the computer too

 

HOPEFULLY THIS MAKES SENSE

 

why not

CRISIS GAMES:

date name: you v me

12/24 Hawaii: USF v SJSU

12/27 Holiday: Washington St. v Syracuse

12/28 Pinstripe: Nebraska v Boston College

12/28 Pop-Tarts: Miami (FL) v Iowa St.

12/28 Alamo: Colorado v BYU

12/30 Music City: Mizzou v Iowa

12/31 Sun: Louisville v Washington

12/31 Citrus: South Carolina v Illinois

12/31 Texas: LSU v Baylor

First Rounders

Indiana +7 v Notre Dame: You know how he laughs at the beginning of the music video version of "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz? That is how I will laugh if Indiana wins this game.

SMU +8.5 v Penn State: The 1982 Bowl

Clemson v Texas -11.5: man I'm glad there's a playoff, couldn't wait to watch Clemson and Texas play some more

Tennessee v An Ohio State University -7: Obviously Ohio State isn't my preference to win the playoffs, but it would be pretty funny about Ryan Day if they did. 

Could the first on-campus playoff game have been anywhere other than South Bend?

Yes! It could have been a lot of places.

Indiana +7

SMU +8.5

Clemson +11.5

Ohio St. -7

OK let's try this again

Ok, playoff 1st round picks against the spread. Please submit Thursday at 5 pm. go get em, tiger.

Indiana v Notre Dame -7

SMU v Penn State -8.5

Clemson v Texas -11.5

Tennessee v Ohio State -7

Three pick them games is another example of Bidenflation

Bowl picks? In THIS economy?

IS4S Salute to Veterans Bowl: (34) South Alabama vs. Western Michigan: Jaguars baby! Remember when they scored 87 points? Also, why did they name a bowl after a noted terrorist group?

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: Memphis vs. (8) West Virginia: two disappointed teams

Boca Raton Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. (29) James Madison: James Madison's reputation as president is, I think, highly inflated due to his (deservedly) well-regarded career prior to the presidency. Poorly handling a war that the USA didn't need to be in, appointing generally incompetent cabinet officials (try to name the most effective--you can't!), and ideological inconsistency in office are all reflections of the fact that he was simply not executive material. Imagine if Great Britain had decided to take the War of 1812 more seriously, or even if Napoleon had waited a year to try to retake power, and we're writing this Bowl Pick Them of Cricket or something. 

Art of Sport LA Bowl Hosted By Gronk: California vs. (3) UNLV: You think I can take Cal football seriously? You can take that slop to the trough. Also: not even the dumbest bowl name. 

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: (18) Georgia Southern vs. Sam Houston: R+L stands for Ralph and Lauren, since they like to wear Ralph Lauren in New Orleans, the ones with the giant horse logo or the Polo Bear in a trench coat.

StaffDNA Cure Bowl: Ohio vs. (11) Jacksonville State: pretty quotidian matchup imo. "DNA staff" is my nickname for Tha Captain's penis, as in, "Hey buddy, let me see that DNA staff."

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Tulane vs. (16) Florida: About to have a streak of "huh, so that's where that ended up in my confidence rankings" picks. 

Myrtle Beach Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. (4) UTSA: Oh, to be in Conway, South Carolina, in late December. 

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: (2) Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State: Turner "The Burner," remember him. Anyway, this classic contest is "all about the tater".

Hawai’i Bowl: (6) South Florida vs. San Jose State: Wasn't South Florida supposed to be good this year? If my life depended on naming a majority of conference tie-ins for bowl games this year, I would be a dead man. 

GameAbove Sports Bowl: (31) Pittsburgh vs. Toledo: When I see "GameAbove" my brain does the prayer hands emoji. 

Rate Bowl: Rutgers vs. (24) Kansas State: It's not the weirdest thing about the conference anymore, but it's weird that Rutgers is in the Big 10. There was only like a five-year period when that could have realistically happened, and it did, and we're stuck with it. Anyway: Rate Bowl? Is that the whole name? 

68 Ventures Bowl: Arkansas State vs. (17) Bowling Green: One fewer than the venture we're all thinking of. [The humor is getting very blue in this Pick Them, not appropriate].

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: (22) Oklahoma vs. Navy: Navy is not a good football team??? This should be higher, confidence-wise.

Birmingham Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. (10) Vanderbilt: Fitting that Birmingham, the Athens of America, should host what has to be the highest average USN&WR academic ranking of any bowl this season.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Texas Tech vs. (14) Arkansas: Former Conference Mates Collide 

DIRECTV Holiday Bowl: Syracuse vs. (13) Washington State: Wasn't there a moment when we all thought Washington State was good? I have not updated my priors about this season (or anything else in college football since 2006). 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: (21) Texas A&M vs. USC: All I am using as evidence for this pick is that Lincoln Riley had to tell the media that he was not a candidate for the Central Florida job.

Wasabi Fenway Bowl: (26) North Carolina vs. UConn: The fellas are going to send Mack out with a win. You could probably convince me this was a conference game.

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. (5) Nebraska: bad boy mowers pinstripe bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl. BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL

Isleta New Mexico Bowl: (12) TCU vs. Louisiana: ULL is better than people think, is that right? The line looks wrong on this one, but not wrong enough to actually pick Louisiana's finest institution of higher learning.

Pop-Tarts Bowl: Iowa State vs. (32) Miami: I hope they do exactly the same stuff that they did for last year's let's watch the pop-tarts bowl, and act like it's the first time--eating pieces of the mascot, going into the toaster with the dreams sign, the whole bit. Act like it's the first time it happened, and ignore the existence of last year's bowl game. 

Snoop Dogg Arizona Bowl presented by Gin & Juice by Dre and Snoop: Miami (OH) vs. (1) Colorado State: what in tarnation

Go Bowling Military Bowl: East Carolina vs. (19) NC State: This is the Scary Movie version of the Indiana-Notre Dame game. Remember when the dumbest bowl names were things like Meineke Car Care? 

Valero Alamo Bowl: BYU vs. (15) Colorado: BYU is pretty good, but Deion loves to be on TV and will get going for a bowl game. He has done way better at Colorado so far than I expected, although a spectacular flameout still seems plausible. 

Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Marshall vs. (28) Army: "Army is good" is what I originally wrote, but I worry that reads like I had a stroke or am a disabled child playing with toys.

Transperfect Music City Bowl: Iowa vs. (9) Missouri: Trans Prefect is one of the reasons that idiots think the Western Roman Empire fell. Say "Music City is Iowa Mizzou" in a Fatboy Slim voice--you'll be glad you did. 

Reliaquest Bowl: (35) Alabama vs. Michigan: lol, lmao

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl: (23) Louisville vs. Washington: I guess this ended up here because Louisville mostly only lost to really good teams. Going back and doing the forensics on my confidence rankings/picks has been fun. 

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: (33) South Carolina vs. Illinois: Do they make Citrus Cheez-Its? They should. 

Kinder’s Texas Bowl: Baylor vs. (20) LSU: Nothing could be Kinder's than to question people's genders in the Booooowwwwlll Game.

Taxpayer Gator Bowl: Duke vs. (30) Old Mist: "Gator," "Old Mist," and "Duke" are the three price points of whiskey that I drink. Filled with regret for this choice, as it seems like the kind of game that Lane might totally check out of, but it's too complicated to change my confidence rankings.

Servpro First Responder Bowl: North Texas vs. (27) Texas State: Definitely feels like a conference game. North Texas is playing Texas State in Dallas. 

Duke’s Mayo Bowl: (7) Minnesota vs. Virginia Tech: A bit of the shine is off PJ, but he's still a good coach.

Bahamas Bowl: Buffalo vs. (25) Liberty: the libs are at it again 

 

oh crap

Oh crap!

25 USA (patriotism!)

2 WVU (rich rod!)

23 JMU (a president i think!)

7 UNLV (the hangover happened here and that was a movie I watched. not really sure about any of this.)

16 Georgia Southern (WALT)

8 Jax St. (rich rod!)

31 Florida (chomp)

15 UTSA (no, no, oh this doesn't make sense.)

6 NIU (at this point i'm just choosing acronyms.)

5 SJSU (this is sparta! (movie reference))

33 Pitt (they just called this the sports bowl, they did that.)

24 Kansas St. (Bill Snyder is alive!)

14 BGSU (big sue!, we all love big sue don't we)

29 Oklahoma (i watched two oklahoma games this year. they were both great!)

19 Vanderbilt (mess with the bull (diego pavia) and you get the horns (somehow losing after the bull (diego pavia) throws 3 interceptions))

3 Arkansas (Li-bearty)

21 Syracuse

11 TAMU

13 UNC

4 BC

30 TCU

20 Iowa St.

10 Colorado St.

12 NC St.

18 BYU

32 Army

28 Iowa

35 Alabama

9 Washington

17 Illinois

1 Baylor

34 Old Moist

26 Texas St.

27 Minnesota

22 Li-bearty

Thundering of hooves in the distance; a bowl pick them nears

For some reason, we're making this even more involved. There are three ongoing contests of wit and strength:

-Straight up homie Bowl Pick Them

-Confidence Rankings, with a higher number indicating more confidence

-Straight up homie Playoff Pick Them

Picks for the Bowl Pick Them/Confidence Ranking and the first round of the Playoff Pick Them are due by Friday, December 13, at 5:00 pm.

****

IS4S Salute to Veterans Bowl: South Alabama vs. Western Michigan

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: Memphis vs. West Virginia

Boca Raton Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. James Madison

Art of Sport LA Bowl Hosted By Gronk: California vs. UNLV

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Sam Houston

StaffDNA Cure Bowl: Ohio vs. Jacksonville State

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Tulane vs. Florida

Myrtle Beach Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. UTSA

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State

Hawai’i Bowl: South Florida vs. San Jose State

GameAbove Sports Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Toledo

Rate Bowl: Rutgers vs. Kansas State

68 Ventures Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Bowling Green

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Navy

Birmingham Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Vanderbilt

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Texas Tech vs. Arkansas

DIRECTV Holiday Bowl: Syracuse vs. Washington State

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: Texas A&M vs. USC

Wasabi Fenway Bowl: North Carolina vs. UConn

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. Nebraska

Isleta New Mexico Bowl: TCU vs. Louisiana

Pop-Tarts Bowl: Iowa State vs. Miami

Snoop Dogg Arizona Bowl presented by Gin & Juice by Dre and Snoop: Miami (OH) vs. Colorado State

Go Bowling Military Bowl: East Carolina vs. NC State

Valero Alamo Bowl: BYU vs. Colorado

Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Marshall vs. Army

Transperfect Music City Bowl: Iowa vs. Missouri

Reliaquest Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl: Louisville vs. Washington

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: South Carolina vs. Illinois

Kinder’s Texas Bowl: Baylor vs. LSU

Taxpayer Gator Bowl: Duke vs. Ole Miss

Servpro First Responder Bowl: North Texas vs. Texas State

Duke’s Mayo Bowl: Minnesota vs. Virginia Tech

Bahamas Bowl: Buffalo vs. Liberty

****

Playoff Round One

#10 Indiana @ #7 Notre Dame

#11 SMU @ #6 Penn State

#12 Clemson @ #5 Texas

#9 Tennessee @ #8 Ohio State

woof

Santa Claus: 7-3 (61-52)

A Elf: 3-7 (48-65)

woof

I'm thankful the season is over

Mississippi St. @ Old Mist -26: more like Lame Kiffin

Georgia Tech +19.5 @ Georgia: If we were doing the Nice Bookie this season, I'd bet on this, foolishly. 

Tennessee -10.5 @ Vanderbilt: Is Tennessee any good?

South Carolina +2.5 @ Clemson: cocks baby

Louisville @ Kentucky +4: okay

Auburn @ Alabama -11.5: no

Arkansas @ Mizzou -3: Pittman quietly doing one of the better coaching job of the season

Florida -14.5 @ Florida St.: The SEC-ACC match up with marginal playoff implications is not this one. 

Oklahoma @ LSU -6: Classic SEC Rivalry

Texas @ TAMU +5: This is the funniest outcome, although Texas winning by 35 would also be funny.

Going to "Pull a Kamala" and lose horribly

Mississippi St. +26

Georgia Tech +19.5

Vanderbilt +10.5

Clemson -2.5

Louisville -4

Auburn +11.5

Arkansas +3

Florida St. +14.5

Oklahoma +6

TAMU +5

This Goose Is Cooked

Stick a fork in the pick off.

Thanksgiving: 3-6 (54-49)

The Day Before Thanksgiving (Have to Work): 2-7 (45-58)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mississippi St. @ Old Mist -26

Georgia Tech @ Georgia -19.5

Tennessee -10.5 @ Vanderbilt

South Carolina @ Clemson -2.5

Louisville -4 @ Kentucky

Auburn @ Alabama -11.5

Arkansas @ Mizzou -3

Florida -14.5 @ Florida St.

Oklahoma @ LSU -6

Texas -5 @ TAMU

Here ya go!

Looking back at this now, several hours after originally writing it down, I'm filled with dread and disgust. 

Old Mist -10.5  Can't remember who they play and don't care.

Georgia -42  Points, huh.

Tennessee -42  Huh... Points.

Texas -20.5  It would be funny if Arch Manning had a quarter-zip jersey. On account of his tv uncles.

Arkansas -23  MAD Magazine: Louisiana Blech!

Mizzou -8   Wrong!

TAMU -2.5   Right!

Alabama -14   Super Right!

LSU -8  We all know how hard it is to play in Death Valley at night.

these picks are more like Dudpool and Loserine

Old Mist -10.5 @ Florida: Florida winning this would be pretty funny in a number of ways.

UMass @ Georgia -42: genuinely upsetting

UTEP +42 @ Tennessee: It's easy to complain about conference expansion, but it means more of the big-time helmet games like UT-El Paso at UT-Knoxville. 

Kentucky @ Texas -20.5: Classic SEC matchup 

La Tech +23 @ Arkansas: There are too many 1A schools in Louisiana. 

Mizzou -8 @ Mississippi St.: About eight times doing these picks, I've looked at the Mississippi State line and wondered what it will be for Auburn, then I remember how stupid everything is. 

TAMU -2.5 @ Auburn: there's a reason they call this Rivalry Week (tm)

Alabama -14 @ Oklahoma: Been a bit of a turnaround in Oklahoma's whole deal recently.

Vanderbilt +8 @ LSU: Is it too late in the season for LSU to have a fall-apart? Seems possible.

I watched Deadpool & Wolverine

It was good.

Deadpool & Wolverine: 1-5 (51-43)

I don't know, Madame Web? That was bad, right? 4-2 (43-51)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Mist -10.5 @ Florida

UMass @ Georgia -42

UTEP @ Tennessee -42

Kentucky @ Texas -20.5

La Tech @ Arkansas -23

Mizzou -8 @ Mississippi St.

TAMU -2.5 @ Auburn

Alabama -14 @ Oklahoma

Vanderbilt @ LSU -8

oh no, picks

Arkansas + 13.5

ULM +24

LSU -4

Mizzou +13.5

Georgia -10

NMSU +39

at least things will be funny

 Texas -13.5 at Arkansas: I guess Texas is good again. Probably overreacting.

LAMO +24 at Auburn: 50-50 game at best.

LSU -4 at Florida: Florida is getting better but is still not good.

Missouri +13.5 at South Carolina: The Cocks got this one, but that's too many points.

Tennessee +10 at Georgia: no

New Mexico State at Texas A&M +39: GAME OF THE WEEK BABY, LET'S GO BIG POINTS BIG MONEY

feeling extremely optimistic about the future

Florida +21.5 @ Texas: that's a lot of points

Georgia -2.5 @ Old Mist: This feels like a classic "Kiffin offense gets shuts down and loses by 24" game.

South Carolina -3.5 @ Vanderbilt: This is maybe the game I care the most about this week. 

Mississippi St. +24 @ Tennessee: that's a lot of points

Alabama -3 @ LSU: I probably won't watch this game, going to an event, and I'm glad.

Oklahoma @ Mizzou +2.5: another historic SEC match up

screaming hard and making a difference!

you morons. you absolute fools.

Florida +21.5

Georiga - 2.5

Vanderbilt +3.5

Mississippi St. +24

Alabama - 3

Mizzou +2.5

don't vote, it's fine. honestly what can we even do

charlie trump: 3-3 (46-36)

captain harris: 2-4 (36-46)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Florida @ Texas -21.5

Georgia -2.5 @ Old Mist

South Carolina -3.5 @ Vanderbilt

Mississippi St. @ Tennessee - 24

Alabama -3 @ LSU

Oklahoma -2.5 @ Mizzou

SO SPOOKY

Cold Mist -7 @ Arkauldron

Vampirebilt @ Auboorn -6

Horrorida +17 vs Gored-ya 

UMask @ Grislyssippi St. -18.5

VOODU -2.5 @ Scary Crowalina

Corpsetucky @ Terrorssee -16.5

spooky update: wearing a pinky ring!

SPOOKY

Arkansas +7  They're playing pigs, but Old Mist is looking for a 'goat... a scapegoat for why they have lost two games. Maybe they will "Blame" Kiffin.

Vanderbilt +6  Easy pick.

Georgia -17  Probably wrong. But possibly right. We'll know this time next week!

Mississippi St. -18.5  Now that they've been effectively eliminated from playoff contention, the pressure is off and the 'dogs can just cook.

TAMU -2.5  Texas A&M is good now. 

Tennessee -16.5  Kentucky lost to Auburn for Pete's sake.

somebody wake up the guy from green day, it's week ten

Green Day: 3-3 (43-34)

Third Day: 3-3 (34-43)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Old Mist -7 @ Arkansas

Vanderbilt @ Auburn -6

Florida vs Georgia -17

UMass @ Mississippi St. -18.5

TAMU -2.5 @ South Carolina

Kentucky @ Tennessee -16.5

Iron Maiden voice: Six ... six picks ... the number of the beast

Oklahoma +20.5 @ Old Mist: a human number

Arkansas -7 @ Mississippi St.: Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised

Mizzou +13.5 @ Alabama: I feel drawn towards the chanting hordes 

Texas -18.5 @ Vanderbilt: Can I believe? That what I saw that night was real and not just fantasy?

LSU @ TAMU -2.5: Sacrifice is going on tonight

Auburn @ Kentucky -2.5: The evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair

Welcome to Jurassic Picks

dinosaurs

Oklahoma +20.5

Mississippi St. +7

Alabama -13.5

Vanderbilt +18.5

LSU +2.5

Kentucky -2.5

No Idea What Week It Is! Ack!

30 Rock: 2-6 (40-30)

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: 4-4 (31-49)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oklahoma @ Old Mist -20.5

Arkansas -7 @ Mississippi St.

Mizzou @ Alabama -13.5

Texas -18.5 @ Vanderbilt

LSU @ TAMU -2.5

Auburn @ Kentucky -2.5

(swirling a snifter of brandy, considering the infinite possibilities of the human existence): I guess I'll make some picks

Auburn @ Mizzou -4.5: Officially done 

South Carolina @ Oklahoma -3: You can throw out the records when these two historic rivals meet on the gridiron. 

Alabama - 3 @ Tennessee: two teams with lots of talent but also Problems

TAMU @ Mississippi St. +15.5: I was picking too many favorites.

LSU -2.5 @ Arkansas: Friend, do not fool yourself into thinking Arkansas is even decent.

Ball St. @ Vanderbilt -26: if this was about me, it would be a Balding State

Georgia @ Texas -3.5: It would be cool if the SEC brought in Texas and Oklahoma exclusively for ad dollars, but then the sports media market collapsed and Texas won 8 of the next ten conference titles.

Kentucky -1 @ Florida: whatever

Idiot Alert!

Auburn +4.5

Oklahoma -3

Alabama -3

TAMU -15.5

Arkansas +2.5

Ball St. +26

Georgia +3.5

Florida +1

Oh that? That's nothing... just the largest lead in the history of the pick off.

Charlie Cruise Ship: 5-2 (38-24)

Captain Dingy: 3-4 (27-35)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Auburn @ Mizzou -4.5

South Carolina @ Oklahoma -3

Alabama - 3 @ Tennessee

TAMU -15.5 @ Mississippi St.

LSU -2.5 @ Arkansas

Ball St. @ Vanderbilt -26

Georgia @ Texas -3.5

Kentucky -1 @ Florida

insert distasteful Hurricane Milton joke here

South Carolina +21 @ Alabama: I don't think them Cocks is gonna win, but Alabama might have some issues on defense [smash cut to Alabama's 51-3 victory]

Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass: classic SEC match up

Texas -15 vs Oklahoma: [Collective Soul voice:] (that's where Red River goes)

Mississippi St. +34 @ Georgia: seems like a lot

Florida @ Tennessee -15.5: Leaning into the "bounce back game" narrative

Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU: seems that if LSU couldn't win last year with Video Game Numbers Jayden Daniels, they won't win now, right? 

Vanderbilt +14 @ Kentucky: My thinking: this will either be a close Kentucky win/Vanderbilt win or an even bigger blowout than two touchdowns--either what Vandy is doing works or it doesn't.

Toot toot (boat sound)! It's week seven picks!

Alabama -21

Mizzou -27.5

Oklahoma +15

Georgia -34

Tennessee -15.5

LSU +3.5

Vanderbilt +14

Week Seven (as in.. the seven seas!)

An Actual Captain of a Ship: 3-3 (33-22)

Tha Captain: 2-4 (24-31)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These are the seven seas:

Gulf of Mexico - South Carolina @ Alabama -21

Boston Harbor - Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass

Red Sea (that's where the Red River goes) - Texas -15 vs Oklahoma

Mobile Bay - Mississippi St. @ Georgia -34

Tampa Bay (RIP) - Florida @ Tennessee -15.5

The Bayou - Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU

Kroger Field - Vanderbilt @ Kentucky -14 (this feels disrespectful?)

Let's all meet at the Pink Pony Club to celebrate tonight's events

Congatulations to Vanderbilt, for beating Alabama for the first time since 1886, and to Auburn, to being a whore-hungry tire fire of a program.

Week Six wow season's really flying by huh

Mizzou @ TAMU -2: Let's see how stupid I am here. My initial impulse was, of course, Missouri is the better team. But when I looked at the schedules, I thought, well maybe not. Now I changed my pick. Am I moron? Time will tell.

Auburn +24 @ Georgia -24: Can't imagine how Auburn will conspire to lose this one in a fascinating and heartbreaking way. Wacky special teams and game delays are still in the mix, but a late-90s style beatdown from a superior East Division team is a good option too. 

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina: no idea about either one of these teams

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt: nah

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas: Pittman's last game??

UCF @ Florida +2.5: This is my "glad if I'm wrong" pick

oooh ah ah ah ah

Mizzou +2

Auburn +24

Old Mist -9.5

Alabama -23

Tennessee -13.5

Florida +2.5

what is the sound of one butt farting

it sounds like a fart, sis

Dr. Farts: 4-2 (30-19)

Mr. Farts: 5-1 (22-27)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mizzou @ TAMU -2

Auburn @ Georgia -24

Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina

Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt It's cool that both Auburn and Alabama play their second biggest rivals this week.

Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas

UCF -2.5 lol @ Florida

Oh no i forgot to do my pix

just kidding!

Old Mist -17.5

TAMU -3.5

Oklahoma -2.5

Mississippi St. + 38.5

Alabama +2

LSU -21.5

I am also hosting from Jerry World

Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5: Kentucky has proven me wrong (sort of) already this season, but this doesn't seem like the kind of game in which they can prosper. 

Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5: I'm glad they play this game in Dallas, in a soulless corporate stadium

Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn: Several contradictory thoughts: I think this is a 50-50 game, and there is no way Auburn is going to win, and I am also surprised Oklahoma is not a bigger favorite.

Mississippi St. +38.5 @ Texas: Texas .... good??? 

Georgia @ Alabama +2: I hate this.

South Alabama +21.5 @ LSU: Jaguars baby, rawr

Week Five wow season's really flying by huh

Something Good: 5-5 (26-17)

Something Related But Much Worse: 6-4 (17-26)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5

Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5

Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn

Mississippi St. @ Texas -38.5

Georgia -2 @ Alabama

South Alabama @ LSU -21.5

Do you guys want to hear a crazy story?

So, my building has entrances on - get this - four different floors. Isn't that wild? How, you say? Well it's a combination of stairs and the natural topography of the coastal plain as it slopes toward the Alabama river.

Florida -5.5 

Kentucky -20

Auburn -3

UCLA +24.5

Mizzou - 20.5

Oklahoma +7

TAMU -23

South Carolina -27.5

Old Mist -36

Texas -44.5

At least we're getting a little bit into conference games now

Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.: mmmm hmmm baby that's the stuff. We are looking at a The Most Fired Coach in America special. I think Florida is better than MSU, but if they lose this game, it's a Lane-on-the-tarmac situation.

Ohio + 20 @ Kentucky: Stoops should have been fired for punting at the end of the UGA game.

Arkansas @ Auburn -3: Obviously we never pick against our awful pervert and murderer coaching staff, but Arkansas is going to win this game. 

UCLA +24.5 @ LSU: Too many initials here. Am I watching a football game or New Deal legislation? 

Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5: It Just Means More

Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma: cool 

Bowling Green @ TAMU -23: BG almost beating Penn State means that TAMU will take them more seriously, right?  

Akron @ South Carolina -27.5: Akron has not had an Inspiring Season so far. South Carolina had a win stolen from them against LSU. 

Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36: yuck 

Louisiana-Monroe +44.5 @ Texas: They should go to ten conference games a season.

P.U.

I was hopeful that this was the first time anyone has had a 10 game lead at the end of a week, but alas, I had a 10 game lead after week 9 last year. 

It's impressive that you have built this after three weeks. I'm excited to see where you go from here! Previously, the largest lead after three weeks was 5 games by me in 2019. That year you clawed your way back (you had a 3 game lead by week 11!) but I won in a tiebreaker.

How Ground Coffee Smells: 10-3 (21-12)

How Brewed Coffee Tastes: 5-8 (11-22)

---------------------------------

Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.

Ohio @ Kentucky -20

Arkansas @ Auburn -3

UCLA @ LSU -24.5

Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5

Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma

Bowling Green @ TAMU -23

Akron @ South Carolina -27.5

Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36

Louisiana-Monroe @ Texas -44.5

I have started to text Tha Captain that he put the wrong lines up at least twice this season

Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin: can't bring myself to care

LSU @ South Care of Lina (+7): baby you know we click clackin

Busty College @ Mizzou (-17): another classic SEC-ACC match up / alt: when do classes start???

Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14): One of these teams deserved an SEC invite, and it wasn't Oklahomer. [The almost-sent-in-error text this week started out something like, "Wishful thinking on Tulane's conference affiliation there buddy".]

TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da: both of these teams have lost my Incoherent Quip privileges for the time being

UAB (+24.5) @ Arkansas: blazers!!

Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest: How many of these do I have to pick? It just keeps going! 

UTSA @ UTA (-35): pretty good. pret-ty good.

Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.: Vanderbilt will beat Auburn 

Georgia @ Kentucky (+24): Not sure this season that Kentucky has even the above-replacement-level mediocrity we've all come to hate about the Stoops coaching tenure.

New Mexico @ Auburn (-28): wrong 

Toledo (+11.5) @ Miss of Sippi St.: I am 100% certain that this pick is the product of some stupid part of me still hoping that Auburn will be able to win at least one conference game this year. 

Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49): Tennessee might be good, like Real Good 

*way too close to microphone, muffled to the point of absurdity* time to make some picks

Wisconsin +16 who am i and what am i doing?

South Carolina +7 I saw a South Carolina fan wearing a hat that just said "Cocks" and I was like uh, buddy... who wants to tell him...

Busty College +17 In the 5 minutes since I typed this, I have forgotten who they are playing!

Oklahoma - 14 

Florida +4 

Arkansas -24.5 Trent Dilfer

Old Mist -23 

Regular Texas -35 Hug 'Em Horns

Vanderbilt -10.5

Georgia -24 Kroger Field

Auburn -28 haha

Mississippi St. -11.5 In this case, they will be Totrailo. Because they are going to have fewer points.

Kent St. +49 That is a lot of points. 

Whoops

I didn't put the records! Ack.

The Emperor from Star Wars: 6-4 (11-9)

The Emperor from Warhammer: 3-7 (6-14)

Ack.

week three wow season's really flying by huh

*shivers*

Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin

LSU (-7) @ South Care of Lina

Busty College @ Mizzou (-17)

Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14)

TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da

UAB @ Arkansas (-24.5)

Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest

UTSA @ UTA (-35)

Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.

Georgia (-24) @ Kentucky

New Mexico @ Auburn (-28)

Toledo @ Miss of Sippi St. (-11.5)

Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49)

Take my words and read 'em every day

Tha Captainz Week Two Pix: Very Special "No Sir... I Don't Like It" Edition

Michigan +7.5

Oklahoma St. -7.5

Cal +13

Kentucky -10

MTSU +41  So on the new cfb video game, I started a new guy who is a middle linebacker who signed with MTSU. Edison Grady and his teammates beat Old Mist 23-10 in this game. So, life imitates art, you know?

Alabama -31

Mizzou -34.5

NC St. +8

Oklahoma -30

Mississippi St. +6.5

Piggly Wiggly was trafficking poached ivory this morning

Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan: infuriating

Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5): ????

Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13): Arnold Schwarzenegger voice 

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10): The name's Field. Kroger Field. 

MTSU @ Old Mist (-41): filing this one under "O" for "ooof" 

USF @ Alabama (-31): Seems like USF should be unable to avoid being at least a decent football team, like it should just happen based on geography and such. But you'd think the same thing about regular Florida, and they look like a bunch of braindick morons out there. 

Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5): I'm picking all favorites, seems fine 

Tennessee (-8) v NC St.: Actually, yeah, let's pick all favorites.

Houston @ Oklahoma (-30): I thought Big Willie would be off to a better start, but getting pantsed by UNLV is not a good look. 

Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5): I actually think Mississippi State will cover and maybe win, but I feel committed to the bit. 

Week Two: Beanie Babies (Obviously)

The World's Beaniest Baby: 5-5 (5-5)

The World's 2nd Beaniest Baby: 3-7 (3-7)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan

Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5)

Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13)

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10)

MTSU @ Old Mist (-41)

USF @ Alabama (-31)

Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5)

Tennessee (-8) v NC St.

Houston @ Oklahoma (-30)

Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5)

[Theoden from The Lord of the Rings right before Helm's Deep voice]: let's do some picks I guess

Look at all those SEC pick off labels. In 2008, there's no way I thought I would still be alive to do picks in 2024, and now, I still don't believe it. 

Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5: Sure????

Clemson +13.5 v Georgia: Already letting emotions get in the way 

Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt: lol this sucks

Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5: SEC TITANS FACE OFF 

Miami (FL) @ Florida +2.5: The closest thing this week to a game I give one roasted cat turd about

Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21: yeah click clack 

WKU @ Alabama -31.5: ??? 

Notre Dame +3 @ TAMU: Two kinds of people who should not be allowed to vote, featured in this game: Texans and farmers. 

Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28: Would have been a cool game in 1995 

USC v LSU -4.5: actually this might be pretty good. I think LSU wins it pretty easy though 

THA CAPTAINZ WEEK ONE PIX: Very Special What is This Sport I'm Seeing, It's Alien and Discomforting Edition

 

Temple +42.5  That is a lot of points and Bobby Wallace has the Owls primed for a big year.

Georgia -13.5   Bowden Bowl!

Virginia Tech -13  Vandy needs to lose the zero (current coach) and get with a hero (Turner Gill).

Colorado St. + 32.5   Lotta horns here.

Florida +2.5   Miami will never again reach the dizzying heights of the Mark Richt era.

South Carolina -21   This weekend at my mom's birthday party, someone asked who the coach was at South Carolina and I said "Beamer Ball" and everyone just looked at me blankly. There were no follow up questions.

Alabama -31.5  No ma'am.

Notre Dame +3   Well, TAMU can do, but Notre Dame wins the game.

Southern Mist +28   Kroger Field.

LSU -4.5  Aaahh Gaaahrohnteee

OOOH BABY (Extra Special OOOH BABY Edition)

Why was there a spread for Eastern Kentucky @ Mississippi State? I had to look up if EKU had made the jump. Apparently not. Therefore... it ain't here, Chief. We live by a strict code 'round these parts.

Just make picks whenever! No {v} Nice Bookie {v}! We're very flexible and open to change 'round these parts!

Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5

Clemson v Georgia -13.5

Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt

Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5

Miami (FL) -2.5 @ Florida

Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21

WKU @ Alabama -31.5

Notre Dame @ TAMU -3

Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28

USC v LSU -4.5

three games

Had these lined up for a while, but it's been a busy time, so I don't remember if any of them are actually good.

1. Bases Loaded - hit it

2. City Blocks - merge things

3. Looper - it is a game called Looper

Who's your favorite musical doctor? Vote now or sound off in the comments

Xenophilia Musika June: nu mă, nu mă iei

Xenophilia Musika June: Und er lebte in der großen Stadt

Xenophilia Musika June: Du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

Xenophilia Musika June: Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja

Xenophilia Musika June: Oye cómo va Mi ritmo Bueno pa' gozar

Xenophilia Musika June: Por el camino del desierto El viento me despeina

Xeniphilia Musika June: A beleza que não é só minha Que também passa sozinha

Xenophilia Musika June: Qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs

Xenophilia Musika June: Dhōlaṇā vajē tumabē vala tāra

Xenophilia Musika June: Hielten sich für Captain Kirk

If someone asks if I speak a foreign language, I always respond, "Sure, I speak a little German." Then I say the lyrics to "99 Luftballons" as best I can until the interlocutor realizes: oh, this guy's a fraud. We laugh, and I have a new friend for life.

Lookin' like a true survivor, feelin' like a little kid

commie gobbledygook

All the stars are here!

I don't think I would fall under the spell of Hitler.


The "I wish I had a time machine" starting at 4:14 is so good. Samberg knew it immediately.

Andy Samberg, Hannibal Buress, and Sarah Silverman, who rule, are all on here, and they're barely keeping up.

Why would they invite Norm Macdonald to this? He mentioned both Trotsky and Hitler.

All the stars are here!

I'm hungry, beat him up, then I take his lunch

I've ALWAYS got Little River Band loaded up here, I've got six discs in here

Ain't nobody cryin', Ain't nobody worried, Ain't no smilin' faces

games for the weekend

1. The Final Earth 2 -- Cap'n might like this one

2. Cellcraft.io

3. YORG.io

And if you don't love me now You will never love me again

ribbit ribbit I was raised in a prison

Accident? There are no accidents. Don't give me that jive, jack. 

They don't bark and they don't bite; they keep things loose and they keep things light

Glenn Campbell covers "These Days"

I feel certain this has been posted before, but also: who cares, nerd.

Murder she wrote, and keeps the heat close

Faça trilhas e descubra-se de vez

you gotta keep em separated

First national championship game without an SEC team since 2014

SICKOS ASS BOWL PICK THEM

 

as the old saying goes: "use several bad fonts for your stupid score board"

 

spread sheet

 

*Star Track 6 bad guy Klingon voice * ah the game is a foot

 

*sniffles*

 

Tha Captain finally got his Christmas present

 

*CONTINUES SQUINTING, BECOMING VISIBLY AGITATED, ANGRY*

 

THE POWER FACTOR IS C+1.826 I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THERE BUT I HAVE A JOB I'M BUSY AND I'M NOT APOLOGIZING

*squints*

  

DOCTORS DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THESE 41 WEIRD PICKS

As an Alpha Male, I will not be explaining myself and most and first and importantly and foremost of all, I WILL NOT BE APOLOGIZING

MYRTLE BEACH: (32) Georgia Southern / Ohio

Walt, masculinely gnawing on a $4 cigar, "let's go georgia southern! I'm a big idiot!"

NEW ORLEANS: (8) UL-Lafayette / Jacksonville St.

If you asked 100 non-Alabamians where is "Jacksonville State University" I bet a bunch of them would spit in your face. It's in Alabama, they'd say through clenched teeth. Whar tha hell else would it be, they'd yammer. I'm not even from thar and *spits* ah reckon you ain't never killed a boar have ye?

CURE: (36) Appalachian St. / Miami (OH)

There's guys with signs and then there's THAT GUY with THAT SIGN.

NEW MEXICO: (24) New Mexico St. / Fresno St.

ahkhh

LA: (7) Boise St. / UCLA

It was called Boyse St. until Avril Lavigne dropped her hit song "Skater Boi." Then THE DARKENING happened and we all know where it went from there!

INDEPENDENCE: (9) Texas Tech / Cal of fornia

pew pew *blows smoke from fake pistol, several toddlers lie in pools of real blood*

FAMOUS TOASTERY WHAT THE HELL: (13) WKU / ODU

A mad lib where it's three questions and they're all "what is a letter" and at the end, boom, you have a university... *record scratch* that last one's gotta be "u" sis!

FRISCO: (38) UTSA / Marshall

UTSA would be a big favorite over the other members of the paw patrol too. 

BOCA RATON: (14) USF / Syracuse

USF would be a big favorite over the other city-states of ancient Sicily too.

GASPARILLA: (10) UCF / Georgia Tech

Gusparilla

BIRMINGHAM: (22) Troy / Duke

I thought they decided Troy vs Duke... *tries to figure out which duke was involved in the Iliad* 

CAMELLIA QUEEN OF THE BOWLS: (26) Arkansas St. / Northern Illinois

speaking of huskies *rocks back and forth, whistling, like 1923 mickey mouse*

ARMED FORCES: (27) Jim Madison / Air Force

air planes! vroom.

POTATO: (2) Utah St. / Georgia St.

*sunken eyes, a hollow and gaunt face*

MOBILE: (39) South Alabama / EMU

Joey Jones left BSC to coach South Alabama and I blame him for "The Muckup on The Hilltop"

LAS VEGAS: (37) Utah / Northwestern

Roll the dice and spin the wheel! These two teams came to PLAY!

HAWAII: (33) San Jose St. / Coastal Carolina

Sir, we're running out of carolinas to name bad football teams after, the secretary of states said to the president.

QUICK LANE: (23) Minnesota / Bowling Green

They should be called Bowling Orange/Brown. Thank you

FIRST RESPONDER: (15) Texas St. / Rice

First Responder? I hardly know her! 

GUARANTEED RATE: (35) Kansas / UNLV

The only guaranteed rate here is the rate I will be enjoying this game which is 4.

MILITARY: (4) Tulane / Virginia Tech

Tulane undergoing massive upgrades on campus. Pretty soon they're going to be Fourlane! Thank you

DUKE'S MAYO: (3) North Carolina / West Virginia

West Virginia should make a legitimate push for Virginia to call itself East Virginia.

HOLIDAY: (5) USC / Louisville

If this is a holiday, I'd rather be at work! Yeesh. 

TEXAS: (18) Oklahoma St. / TAMU

Everything's stupider in Texas.

FENWAY: (34) SMU / Boston College

Catholics vs Convicts

POP TART: (29) Kansas St. / NC St.

Pop Tarts: The Other White Meat

ALAMO: (20) Oklahoma / Arizona

You would think this would be easy. Two football teams. 

GATOR: (30) Clemson / Kentucky

Right? I mean, right? 

SUN: (25) Notre Dame / Oregon St.

Beavers, haha. That's rich.

LIBERTY: (16) Iowa St. / Memphis

Libearty. The bear.

COTTON: (21) Ohio St. / Mizzou

His name should be Eli Coachwitz. Unless he's a drinker. Then his name is fine. I don't care.

PEACH: (31) Penn St. / Old Mist

The guardians of The Old Ways (pedophilia and institutional racism).

MUSIC CITY: (1) Auburn / Maryland

There was reportedly an extended cut of the hell-orgy scene in Event Horizon but the footage was lost. No reason I'm talking about that here.

ORANGE: (41) Georgia / Florida St.

*draws in deep breath in preparation of explaining why Florida St. should be in the playoff* lol, lmao

ARIZONA: (12) Toledo / Wyoming

Holy Toledo!

RELIAQUEST: (17) LSU / Wisconsin

*Will Smith slaps Chris Rock* Take Reliaquest out of your mouth! Welcome to Earth!

CITRUS: (6) Iowa / Tennessee

I know it's supposed to be citrus, but this one seems like a lemon! In that my children will want to taste it and make performative faces about how "spicy" it is.

FIESTA: (40) Oregon / Liberty

This is for all the Tostitos! For Oregon that means Subarus and weird craft beers. For Liberty that means January 6th.  

ROSE: (19) Alabama / Michigan

See above, kinda.

*SOAD VOICE* SUGAR: (11) Texas / Washington

Alamo Bowl ass semifinal

man you know it's bowl picks time

Myrtle Beach Bowl

My pick: Ohio (10)

The archetypal Bowl Game. I thought Ohio's coach was named Tim Allen, but that's not correct. 

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

My pick: Jacksonville St. (4)

I am always going to pick teams from the state of Alabama. This state is going to go Undefeated in bowl season. RichRod is the coach at Jacksonville State, which is pretty funny. 

Cure Bowl

My pick: Appalachian St. (22)

pretty quotidian matchup imo

New Mexico Bowl

My pick: New Mexico State (2)

The seizure man. Old seizy. New Mexico State is not that good; even Auburn was competitive with them for a while.

LA Bowl

My pick: UCLA (3)

Boise State has been mired in controversy since the revelation that their mascot is an homage to former US President Bronco Bama, and I think that distraction will be the difference. 

Radiance Tech Independence Bowl 

My pick: Texas Tech (11)

Golden Bears, Red Raiders--is this a football game or a coloring book? Am I right, folks? 

Famous Toastery Bowl

My pick: Western Kentucky (18)

I'm sick and tired of constantly hearing about Toastery. Let off, you know?? 

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl 

My pick: UTSA (38)

Now UTSA, there's a team that feels good about itself. Also: That coffee gives me the scooters alright! 

RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl

My pick: Syracuse (17)

Every one of us is complicit in this and will stand before Heaven's Judgment Seat, each for our own greater or lesser part.

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl

My pick: UCF (30)

We <3 Gus

Birmingham Bowl

My pick: Troy (32)

Two interim coaches, right? It's a little weird to go from Troy to Tulane, from a football perspective, but not from an everything else perspective. 

Camellia Bowl 

My pick: NIU (8)

Turner the Burner, baby. Remember Butch Jones? He's back, in Pog form.  

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

My pick: James Madison (33)
I must register my opposition to having two military-themed bowl games (this one and the Orange Bowl)

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl 

My pick: Utah State (7)
Which state shall emerge victorious? 

68 Ventures Bowl 

My pick: South Alabama (40)

Man I love 68 Ventures, a thing I had definitely heard of. Remember when South Alabama blasted Oklahoma State? 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl 

My pick: Utah (37)

Northwestern, really overshooting their expectations for this season.

EasyPost Hawaii Bowl 

My pick: San Jose St. (6)

Easy posty, lemon toasty. Gray Son McCaw, the Crow King, will not be available for the Chanticleers. 

Quick Lane Bowl 

My pick: Minnesota (21)

I hate the internet now, trying to look up a preview for a bowl game and getting 6,000 variations of the same algorithm-written article telling me which team had more passing yards.

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl

My pick: Texas State (13)

Servius Proscipulus (usually rendered SERV PRO in inscriptions) was a Roman politician, general, and poet. Born into an Etruscan family of some prominence, Proscipulus spent most of his life seeking to match the military exploits of his more capable ancestors, usually with disastrous results. His refusal to accept the settlement of the Second Thranduil War led to his eventual expulsion from Italy, and he died in Marcos. Generally known today for his failures as a general and politician, during his lifetime Proscipulus was primarily known for his witty and self-referential poems, none of which survive. His acid wit was legendary; Marcus Cicero famously said that Proscipulus's humor was "crueler and more dangerous than any Bohemian tip," the Bohemian tribes at the time being famous for the sharpness of their half-moon arrowheads. 

Guaranteed Rate Bowl

My pick: Kansas (28) 

That guy at Kansas seems like a good coach.  

Military Bowl

My pick: Tulane (1)

Tulane is better than people think. As usual, an insult to the troops. 

Duke’s Mayo Bowl 

My pick: West Virginia (27)

What, was East Carolina not available???? Because they're playing North Carolina. And they're West Virginia. Directions, you know? Some state should be named "East" something. 

Holiday Bowl 

My pick: Louisville (25) 

They should play the Holiday Bowl in Cambodia. Jayden Daniels winning the Heisman has done something to overshadow it, but wasting a quarterback talent like Caleb Williams at a place like USC is really an astounding failure of coaching. 

TaxAct Texas Bowl

My pick: Texas A&M (20)
some campy carny bullcrap. hokey, honkey horse hockey.

Wasabi Fenway Bowl 

My pick: SMU (36) 

Futurama: Death by SMU SMU 

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl

My pick: Miami(FL) (34)

[Old timey investigator voice]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a consumer of Bad Boy Mowers?

Pop-Tarts Bowl

My pick: Kansas St. (31) 

lets watch the pop tart bowl

Valero Alamo Bowl 

My pick: Oklahoma (12)

I can't believe, after last year's farcical tragedy, that they're letting Tha Captain do the halftime show again for the Alamo Bowl. How many horses have to die before the authorities do something about this? 

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl 

My pick: Clempson (24)

It was a very improbable outcome that Kentucky beat Louisville, Louisville lost to FSU, and it still was a big deal that Kentucky beat Louisville. 

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl

My pick: Notre Dame (29)

Is Tony The Tiger Catholic 

AutoZone Libearty Bowl 

My pick: Iowa St. (23)
Matt Campbell is an odd-looking dude. If you just started from scratch and eliminated all tradition, prestige, etc, you would think Memphis would be pretty good, but they are most certainly not. 

Goodyear Cotton Bowl 

My pick: Ohio St. (35)

Ohio State is, you know, way better than Missouri, right?? Even with a back-up quarterback, I would think Ohio State would be better. The transfer portal etc is a more fair system, but it's also not as fun that every starting quarterback in America is apparently transferring. 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
My pickL Penn St. (39)

Old Mist is actually Not That Good against really good defenses. Auburn almost beat them, so they must be bad. 

TransPerfect Music City Bowl

My pick: Auburn (9)

Video of this game will be used at an arraignment one day. 

Capital One Orange Bowl 

My pick: Georgia (19)

I still think Georgia is going to win because of the sinfulness of human society, but I am not nearly as confident as the big line suggests. Georgia does not want to be there, and Florida State has a chance at a split title.

Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl

My pick: Toledo (16)

Oh, Barstool Sports, great. They're finally letting some more real dickheads into college football. 

ReliaQuest Bowl 

My pick: LSU (26)

Even if Jayden Daniels doesn't play, LSU is still better than Wisconsin, right?

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl 

My pick: Tennessee (15)

Tennessee hasn't looked strong against very good defenses, but Iowa hasn't had any offense. Cheez-Its are probably my favorite or at least most-eaten name-brand snack. I don't eat Pop Tarts or other such treats much any more because of the sugar. At least for me, potato chips are just potato chips, and the cheap Piggly Wiggly chips are just as good as the fancy ones, unless they're literally freshly cooked. Similar for almonds etc--just get the store brand! But Cheez-Its are Cheez-Its.  

VRBO Fiesta Bowl 

My pick: Oregon (41)

Beat The Libs

Rose Bowl

My pick: alabama (5)

Commitment to the bit versus what I actually think will happen has got them down this low.

Allstate Sugar Bowl

My pick: Texas (14) 

The playoff sucks. We should go back to the old bowl system. 

sweet moustache it's the 2023 bowl pick them

You (a fool): I believe in the tradition, the sanctity, of college football's bowl games.

Me (wise): lets watch the pop tart bowl

Myrtle Beach Bowl Georgia Southern -3.5 vs Ohio Dec. 16 10:00 am 

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl Jacksonville St. -3 vs Louisiana Dec. 16 1:15pm 

Cure Bowl Miami(Ohio) vs Appalachian St. -5.5 Dec. 16 2:30 pm

New Mexico Bowl New Mexico State -3 vs. Fresno State Dec. 16 4:45 pm 

LA Bowl UCLA -2 vs Boise St. Dec. 16 6:30 pm

Radiance Tech Independence Bowl California vs Texas Tech -3 Dec. 16 8:15 pm 

Famous Toastery Bowl Western Kentucky vs Old Dominion -2.5 Dec. 18 1:30 pm 

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl UTSA -10 vs Marshall Dec. 19 8:00 pm 

RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl USF vs Syracuse -3 Dec. 21 7:00 pm 

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl UCF -5 vs Georgia Tech Dec. 22 5:30 pm 

Birmingham Bowl Duke vs Troy -7.5 Dec. 23 11:00 am

Camellia Bowl Arkansas St vs NIU -1 Dec. 23 11:00 am 

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl James Madison -3 vs Air Force Dec. 23 2:30 pm 

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl Utah State -1 vs. Georgia State Dec. 23 2:30 pm 

68 Ventures Bowl South Alabama -16 vs Eastern Michigan Dec. 23 6:00 pm 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl Utah -7 vs Northwestern Dec. 23 6:30 pm 

EasyPost Hawaii Bowl Coastal Carolina vs San Jose St. -9.5 Dec. 23 9:30 pm 

Quick Lane Bowl Bowling Green vs Minnesota -4 Dec. 26 1:00 pm 

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl Texas State -4 vs Rice Dec. 26 4:30 pm 

Guaranteed Rate Bowl Kansas -12.5 vs UNLV Dec. 26 8:00 pm 

Military Bowl Virginia Tech -7.5 vs Tulane Dec. 27 1:00 pm 

Duke’s Mayo Bowl North Carolina vs West Virginia -3 Dec. 27 4:30 pm 

Holiday Bowl Louisville -8 vs USC Dec. 27 7:00 pm 

TaxAct Texas Bowl Texas A&M vs Oklahoma St -3. Dec. 27 8:00 pm 

Wasabi Fenway Bowl Boston College vs SMU -11.5 Dec. 28 10:00 am 

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl Rutgers vs Miami(FL) -2 Dec. 28 1:15 pm 

Pop-Tarts Bowl NC State vs Kansas St. -3 Dec. 28 4:45 pm 

Valero Alamo Bowl Arizona -3 vs Oklahoma Dec. 28 8:15 pm 

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl Clemson -7 vs Kentucky Dec. 29 11:00 am 

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl Notre Dame -8 vs Oregon St. Dec. 29 1:00 pm 

AutoZone Liberty Bowl Memphis vs Iowa St. -8.5 Dec. 29 2:30 pm 

Goodyear Cotton Bowl Missouri -2.5 vs Ohio St. Dec. 29 7:00 pm 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl Ole Miss vs Penn St. -3.5 Dec. 30 11:00 am 

TransPerfect Music City Bowl Auburn -2.5 vs Maryland Dec. 30 1:00 pm 

Capital One Orange Bowl Florida St vs Georgia -14 Dec. 30 3:00 pm 

Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl Toledo vs Wyoming -3 Dec. 30 3:30 pm

ReliaQuest Bowl Wisconsin vs LSU -10.5 Jan. 1 11:00 am 

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl Iowa vs Tennessee -8.5 Jan. 1 12:00 pm 

VRBO Fiesta Bowl Oregon -16 vs Liberty Jan. 1 12:00 pm 

Rose Bowl(Playoff) Michigan -1.5 vs Alabama Jan. 1 4:00 pm 

Allstate Sugar Bowl(Playoff) Washington vs Texas -4 Jan. 1 7:45 pm