Arkansas at Memphis +6.5: I still don't believe in Arkansas. As a concept, I mean.
UAB at Tennessee -39.5: that's a lotta points, but UAB is bad
Auburn at Oklahoma -6.5: never
Tulane at Old Mist -12.5: This should be a conference game. Also, I guess I'm committed to Old Mist letting me down.
Northern Illinois +21.5 at Mississippi State: Turner the Burner baby
South Carolina + 13.5 at Missouri: looks like Sellers will play
Flo Rida at Miami -7.5: I'm not doing the thing about lines looking wrong because I've been so stupid so far, but this line looks very low.
Georgia State at Vanderbilt -26.5: [railroad union organizer getting roughed up by the Pinkertons voice] Fine, fine, I think Vanderbilt is good.
Sam Houston +41.5 at Texas: the beauty of sport
A pretty good record back when they played 11 games: 8-3 (23-11)
A bad record back when they played 11 games: 5-6 (16-18)
Not going well for some of us, but for others, things are going ... rather well.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Arkansas -6.5 at Memphis
UAB at Tennessee -39.5
Auburn at Oklahoma -6.5
Tulane at Old Mist -12.5
Northern Illinois at Mississippi State -21.5
South Carolina at Missouri -13.5
Flo Rida at Miami -7.5
Georgia State at Vanderbilt -26.5
Sam Houston at Texas -41.5
Changing my Halo handle to "1Shot2DaNeck"
Oklahoma -24.5 @ Temple: weird
Wisconsin +20.5 @ Alabama: I may be drinking too deeply of the bottle labeled Hope
South Alabama +24.5 @ Auburn: Unpatriotic to beat a team called USA
Georgia @ Tennessee +3.5: [steely resolve melting]: oh what the heck, maybe things will get better instead of steady decline into violence and disorder
UL Lafayette +27.7 @ Mizzou: This is definitely a game I was already aware was happening.
UTEP +41.5 @ Texas: That's a lot of points, even against UTEP
Arkansas @ Old Mist -9.5: The Pitt Man Cometh
Florida +9.5 @ LSU: Florida turning around and beating LSU would be a hoot
TAMU @ Notre Dame -6.5: SEC expansion has really gone too far
EMU @ Kentucky -24.5: I'd love to be the kind of rich pervert who could throw $10,000 down on this game and not even care
Vanderbilt @ South Carolina -5.5: let's settle down on the Vanderbilt stuff
Norm MacDonald voice: 9/11
So, I first drafted this on Tuesday. Reasonably, my expectation was that no internet-famous bigots were going to get shot in the neck before it posted on 9/11. In that spirit, here are some other things that are going to be wrong!
Temple +24.5 The opposite of a quotidian matchup, imo.
Alabama -20.5 *Simpsons theme song voice* Ty Siiimpsooon
South Alabama +24.5 Can't think of anything.
Georgia +3.5 Moving along.
Mizzou -27.5 That guy was an amputee. Wild.
UTEP +41.5 *Primus voice* too many po-eeeeeeents
Arkansas +9.5 Arkansas can only get 7.5 points now. I never say no to a bargain.
LSU -9.5 Florida can only get 7.5 points now. I hate bargains!
Notre Dame -6.5 1991 Cotton Bowl ass matchup. (Looked this up now. TAMU and ND played in the Cotton Bowl after the 1987, 1992, and 1993 seasons.)
Kentucky -24.5 Krogerfield (like Cloverfield). Someone should do a photoshop of that.
Vanderbilt +5.5 Spurrier won 11 games 3 straight years in 2011-13 without going to the SEC championship game. That's wild.
America's Sweetheart: 6-6 (11-12)
America's Sweetheart (anti-vax): 9-3 (15-8)
--------------------------------------------
You know what to do next (flip a coin is what I do).
Oklahoma -24.5 @ Temple
Wisconsin @ Alabama -20.5
South Alabama @ Auburn -24.5
Georgia -3.5 @ Tennessee
UL Lafayette @ Mizzou -27.5
UTEP @ Texas -41.5
Arkansas @ Old Mist -9.5
Florida @ LSU -9.5
TAMU @ Notre Dame -6.5
EMU @ Kentucky -24.5
Vanderbilt @ South Carolina -5.5
Every week there's a canal. Or an inlet. Or a fjord.
San Jose St. + 36.5 I want to change this but I can't. I already typed it in to the computer.
TAMU - 29.5 Mike Elko looks like the kid from Christmas Story all grown up.
Kentucky +10.5 Two words: Kroger. Field.
Mizzou -6.5 Mizzou is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.
South Florida +17.5 Not dealing with Florida's shit right now.
Arkansas -23.5 Arkansas is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.
La Tech +37.5 In my mind, LSU always putters around in this kind of game. Remember when Brian Kelly did that fake southern accent at his introduction.
Arizona St. - 6.5 Mississippi St. seems bad.
Oklahoma -5.5 Oklahoma is my sleeper SEC Championship Game pick.
Ball St. +43.5 With respect to the context of this week, please do not underestimate my seriousness when I say "Thatsa Lotta Points!"
Virginia Tech -1.5 Eeexit liiiight
Alabama -36.5 It's Clobberin' Time.
San José State (+36.5) @ Texas: that's a lotta points
Utah State @ Texas A&M (-29.5): not too many points
Old Mist (-10.5) @ Kentucky: We haven't had much of a season yet, but this line seems insanely low, like a touchdown low. If we were doing The Nice Bookie, this is where I would likely lose a big chunk of my bankroll.
Kansas (+6.5) @ Missouri: Boarder War
South Florida @ Florida (-17.5): not too many points
Arkansas State @ Arkansas (-23.5): not too many points
Louisiana Tech (+37.5) @ LSU: that's a lotta points
Arizona State (-6.5) @ Mississippi State: Not as insanely low as Old Mist-Kentucky, but this still seems low.
Michigan @ Oklahoma (-5.5): "Helmet game" means I'll probably watch this stinker between two mediocre teams.
Ball State (+43.5) @ Auburn: that's a lotta points
Vanderbilt (+1.5) @ Virginia Tech: The Hokies did not impress last week. I don't dignify playoff talk because the CFB playoffs really shouldn't exist, but the talk about Vandy as a sneaky playoff contender seems premature.
UL Monroe (+36.5) @ Alabama: lmao or should I say LA-MO.
A winning record: 6-5
A worse, losing record: 5-6
----
This post is brought to you by our advertisers at Google AI. Thanks, Google!
Utah State @ Texas A&M (-29.5)
Ole Miss (-10.5) @ Kentucky
Kansas @ Missouri (-6.5)
South Florida @ Florida (-17.5)
Arkansas State @ Arkansas (-23.5)
Louisiana Tech @ LSU (-37.5)
Arizona State (-6.5) @ Mississippi State
Michigan @ Oklahoma (-5.5)
Ball State @ Auburn (-43.5)
Vanderbilt @ Virginia Tech (-1.5)
UL Monroe @ Alabama (-36.5)
I've been informed that it's football season.
Auburn @ Bay, Lord of the Bears +2.5: Auburn is considerably more talented, especially along the lines, but they also have an inconsistent, pervert coach who might be dying from a lifetime of alcohol abuse and general degeneracy. Losing this game feels very in character.
Texas @ Ohio St. -1.5: Ohio State losing to Michigan and, say, Minnesota, but winning the national title again, is about as hopeful a possibility as I can realistically envision.
Syracuse vs Tennessee -13.5: orange joke
Mississippi St. -12 @ Southern Miss: Glad they're playing.
Toledo +7.5 @ Kentucky: Kentucky might be Extremely Bad this year.
Marshall +39.5 @ Georgia: nah
Alabama -13.5 @ Florida St.: there's a lot of emotional weight on this game, which will be a laugher and make me sad
UTSA @ TAMU -22.5: People underestimate how big Texas is as a state. Did you know: it is further from Texas A&M to San Antonio than it is from Texas A&M to Edmonton, Canada.
LSU @ Clemson -4: If I didn't already know and you just asked me where Dabo is from, I bet I'd say Pelham.
Georgia St. +38 @ Old Mist: seems like a lot of points
Virginia Tech vs South Carolina -8: Game of the week for me. I'm curious if people know that Shane Beamer's dad, Frank Beamer, was a professor of environmental science at Virginia Tech. House divided!!
I was out all day yesterday, so I'm doing these fast. Like Sonic the Hedgehog. So, I'm just going to name a Sonic character for each game. And because we're talking about games, I'm only doing characters from the games that I'm aware of. I'm sorry, I have a training all day today. I'm sorry.
Auburn -2.5 Sonic
Ohio St. -1.5 Tails
Syracuse +13.5 Knuckles
Mississippi St. -12 Dr. Robotnik
Kentucky -7.5 There's some kind of Metal Sonic
Marshall +39.5 There's a girl Sonic
Alabama -13.5 Can't think of another one
UTSA +22.5 Still no
Clemson -4 no
Georgia St. +38 so many games
Virginia Tech +8 whew
A lot of this shouldn't be legal.
Auburn -2.5 @ Bay, Lord of the Bears
Texas @ Ohio St. -1.5
Syracuse vs Tennessee -13.5
Mississippi St. -12 @ Southern Miss
Toledo @ Kentucky -7.5
Marshall @ Georgia -39.5
Alabama -13.5 @ Florida St.
UTSA @ TAMU -22.5
LSU @ Clemson -4
Georgia St. @ Old Mist -38
Virginia Tech vs South Carolina -8
First up, a trip to the grocery store. You hop in your car, blissfully unaware that doing so results in numerification—the assignment of numbers to complex human acts. There’s an entire industry, projected to be worth half a trillion dollars by 2030, dedicated to collecting and selling the trails of data your car emits when it hits the road. Everything is tracked. Your location and speed. Your acceleration and braking patterns. The music you listen to along the way. Who you call from your car and for how long you speak. Many cars today produce around twenty-five gigabytes of data per hour. That’s roughly the size of all English-language Wikipedia articles—every hour.
This is a pattern: no one wants to take a risk. Not elected officials. Not 19-year-olds picking college majors. Because in this economy, everything is compliance now. As the Italian philosopher Umberto Eco warned in his essay "Ur-Fascism," social systems don't collapse overnight. They erode through small surrenders, through the gradual normalization of compliance as a civic virtue.
There is compliance with markets, with political power, with the unspoken rule that you must always be optimizing: for income, access, or institutional favor. Majors aren’t educational pathways anymore. They’re compliance signals. Just like a tariff exemption. Or a congressional vote.
Tha Capn: Buckeyes -8.5
Charlie: Notre Dame +8.5
Worth however many points it takes to Decide a Winner.
Penn St. +2 My hard-hitting analysis is that I read on the internet that Notre Dame doesn't quite have the depth of the other semifinalists. On a short turnaround, that could matter? Also, I'm somehow rooting for them so I think they'll lose.
Ohio St. -6 They seem good now.
Nortre Dame -2 v Penn St.: nortre
Ohio St. -6 v Texas: Ohio State is good
For some reason I'm on the left, you're on the right. Green means win, maroon means loss. Way to nail those single digits, sis.
Once again, conclusive proof that we are the two smartest people in the world. You had the worst confidence point performance of all time. Great.
Pick Them Classic (Games) will be decided today. If any of the following teams win over the next few days, I will win New Pick Them (Confidence).
They're going to write "Up 228-64 And Lost" on my tombstone.
Penn St. v Boise St. +11: wishful thinking
Texas -13.5 v Arizona St.: Future Conference Mates Collide
Ohio St. -2.5 v Oregon: It's hard to win a rematch. Also it's idiotic that this is a rematch of a conference game.
Notre Dame v Georgia -2: I'm getting a sinking feeling about the future propaganda value of Georgia winning a national title in the first college football playoff with a backup quarterback.
More Surprising Probably:
1869 - ~2005: Boise St.
~2006 - Present: Arizona St.
------------------------------------------------
Penn St. -11
Arizona St. +13.5
Ohio St. -2.5
Notre Dame +2
Just submit whenever.
Penn St. -11 v Boise St.
Texas -13.5 v Arizona St.
Ohio St. -2.5 v Oregon
Notre Dame v Georgia -2
CRISIS GAMES:
date name: you v me
SMU +8.5 v Penn State: The 1982 Bowl
Clemson v Texas -11.5: man I'm glad there's a playoff, couldn't wait to watch Clemson and Texas play some more
Tennessee v An Ohio State University -7: Obviously Ohio State isn't my preference to win the playoffs, but it would be pretty funny about Ryan Day if they did.
Yes! It could have been a lot of places.
Indiana +7
SMU +8.5
Clemson +11.5
Ohio St. -7
Ok, playoff 1st round picks against the spread. Please submit Thursday at 5 pm. go get em, tiger.
Indiana v Notre Dame -7
SMU v Penn State -8.5
Clemson v Texas -11.5
Tennessee v Ohio State -7
Bowl picks? In THIS economy?
IS4S Salute to Veterans Bowl: (34) South Alabama vs. Western Michigan: Jaguars baby! Remember when they scored 87 points? Also, why did they name a bowl after a noted terrorist group?
Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: Memphis vs. (8) West Virginia: two disappointed teams
Boca Raton Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. (29) James Madison: James Madison's reputation as president is, I think, highly inflated due to his (deservedly) well-regarded career prior to the presidency. Poorly handling a war that the USA didn't need to be in, appointing generally incompetent cabinet officials (try to name the most effective--you can't!), and ideological inconsistency in office are all reflections of the fact that he was simply not executive material. Imagine if Great Britain had decided to take the War of 1812 more seriously, or even if Napoleon had waited a year to try to retake power, and we're writing this Bowl Pick Them of Cricket or something.
Art of Sport LA Bowl Hosted By Gronk: California vs. (3) UNLV: You think I can take Cal football seriously? You can take that slop to the trough. Also: not even the dumbest bowl name.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: (18) Georgia Southern vs. Sam Houston: R+L stands for Ralph and Lauren, since they like to wear Ralph Lauren in New Orleans, the ones with the giant horse logo or the Polo Bear in a trench coat.
StaffDNA Cure Bowl: Ohio vs. (11) Jacksonville State: pretty quotidian matchup imo. "DNA staff" is my nickname for Tha Captain's penis, as in, "Hey buddy, let me see that DNA staff."
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Tulane vs. (16) Florida: About to have a streak of "huh, so that's where that ended up in my confidence rankings" picks.
Myrtle Beach Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. (4) UTSA: Oh, to be in Conway, South Carolina, in late December.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: (2) Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State: Turner "The Burner," remember him. Anyway, this classic contest is "all about the tater".
Hawai’i Bowl: (6) South Florida vs. San Jose State: Wasn't South Florida supposed to be good this year? If my life depended on naming a majority of conference tie-ins for bowl games this year, I would be a dead man.
GameAbove Sports Bowl: (31) Pittsburgh vs. Toledo: When I see "GameAbove" my brain does the prayer hands emoji.
Rate Bowl: Rutgers vs. (24) Kansas State: It's not the weirdest thing about the conference anymore, but it's weird that Rutgers is in the Big 10. There was only like a five-year period when that could have realistically happened, and it did, and we're stuck with it. Anyway: Rate Bowl? Is that the whole name?
68 Ventures Bowl: Arkansas State vs. (17) Bowling Green: One fewer than the venture we're all thinking of. [The humor is getting very blue in this Pick Them, not appropriate].
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: (22) Oklahoma vs. Navy: Navy is not a good football team??? This should be higher, confidence-wise.
Birmingham Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. (10) Vanderbilt: Fitting that Birmingham, the Athens of America, should host what has to be the highest average USN&WR academic ranking of any bowl this season.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Texas Tech vs. (14) Arkansas: Former Conference Mates Collide
DIRECTV Holiday Bowl: Syracuse vs. (13) Washington State: Wasn't there a moment when we all thought Washington State was good? I have not updated my priors about this season (or anything else in college football since 2006).
SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: (21) Texas A&M vs. USC: All I am using as evidence for this pick is that Lincoln Riley had to tell the media that he was not a candidate for the Central Florida job.
Wasabi Fenway Bowl: (26) North Carolina vs. UConn: The fellas are going to send Mack out with a win. You could probably convince me this was a conference game.
Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. (5) Nebraska: bad boy mowers pinstripe bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl. BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL BAD BOY MOWERS PINSTRIPE BOWL
Isleta New Mexico Bowl: (12) TCU vs. Louisiana: ULL is better than people think, is that right? The line looks wrong on this one, but not wrong enough to actually pick Louisiana's finest institution of higher learning.
Pop-Tarts Bowl: Iowa State vs. (32) Miami: I hope they do exactly the same stuff that they did for last year's let's watch the pop-tarts bowl, and act like it's the first time--eating pieces of the mascot, going into the toaster with the dreams sign, the whole bit. Act like it's the first time it happened, and ignore the existence of last year's bowl game.
Snoop Dogg Arizona Bowl presented by Gin & Juice by Dre and Snoop: Miami (OH) vs. (1) Colorado State: what in tarnation
Go Bowling Military Bowl: East Carolina vs. (19) NC State: This is the Scary Movie version of the Indiana-Notre Dame game. Remember when the dumbest bowl names were things like Meineke Car Care?
Valero Alamo Bowl: BYU vs. (15) Colorado: BYU is pretty good, but Deion loves to be on TV and will get going for a bowl game. He has done way better at Colorado so far than I expected, although a spectacular flameout still seems plausible.
Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Marshall vs. (28) Army: "Army is good" is what I originally wrote, but I worry that reads like I had a stroke or am a disabled child playing with toys.
Transperfect Music City Bowl: Iowa vs. (9) Missouri: Trans Prefect is one of the reasons that idiots think the Western Roman Empire fell. Say "Music City is Iowa Mizzou" in a Fatboy Slim voice--you'll be glad you did.
Reliaquest Bowl: (35) Alabama vs. Michigan: lol, lmao
Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl: (23) Louisville vs. Washington: I guess this ended up here because Louisville mostly only lost to really good teams. Going back and doing the forensics on my confidence rankings/picks has been fun.
Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: (33) South Carolina vs. Illinois: Do they make Citrus Cheez-Its? They should.
Kinder’s Texas Bowl: Baylor vs. (20) LSU: Nothing could be Kinder's than to question people's genders in the Booooowwwwlll Game.
Taxpayer Gator Bowl: Duke vs. (30) Old Mist: "Gator," "Old Mist," and "Duke" are the three price points of whiskey that I drink. Filled with regret for this choice, as it seems like the kind of game that Lane might totally check out of, but it's too complicated to change my confidence rankings.
Servpro First Responder Bowl: North Texas vs. (27) Texas State: Definitely feels like a conference game. North Texas is playing Texas State in Dallas.
Duke’s Mayo Bowl: (7) Minnesota vs. Virginia Tech: A bit of the shine is off PJ, but he's still a good coach.
Bahamas Bowl: Buffalo vs. (25) Liberty: the libs are at it again
For some reason, we're making this even more involved. There are three ongoing contests of wit and strength:
-Straight up homie Bowl Pick Them
-Confidence Rankings, with a higher number indicating more confidence
-Straight up homie Playoff Pick Them
Picks for the Bowl Pick Them/Confidence Ranking and the first round of the Playoff Pick Them are due by Friday, December 13, at 5:00 pm.
****
IS4S Salute to Veterans Bowl: South Alabama vs. Western Michigan
Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: Memphis vs. West Virginia
Boca Raton Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. James Madison
Art of Sport LA Bowl Hosted By Gronk: California vs. UNLV
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Sam Houston
StaffDNA Cure Bowl: Ohio vs. Jacksonville State
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Tulane vs. Florida
Myrtle Beach Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. UTSA
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State
Hawai’i Bowl: South Florida vs. San Jose State
GameAbove Sports Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Toledo
Rate Bowl: Rutgers vs. Kansas State
68 Ventures Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Bowling Green
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Navy
Birmingham Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Vanderbilt
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Texas Tech vs. Arkansas
DIRECTV Holiday Bowl: Syracuse vs. Washington State
SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: Texas A&M vs. USC
Wasabi Fenway Bowl: North Carolina vs. UConn
Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl: Boston College vs. Nebraska
Isleta New Mexico Bowl: TCU vs. Louisiana
Pop-Tarts Bowl: Iowa State vs. Miami
Snoop Dogg Arizona Bowl presented by Gin & Juice by Dre and Snoop: Miami (OH) vs. Colorado State
Go Bowling Military Bowl: East Carolina vs. NC State
Valero Alamo Bowl: BYU vs. Colorado
Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Marshall vs. Army
Transperfect Music City Bowl: Iowa vs. Missouri
Reliaquest Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan
Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl: Louisville vs. Washington
Cheez-It Citrus Bowl: South Carolina vs. Illinois
Kinder’s Texas Bowl: Baylor vs. LSU
Taxpayer Gator Bowl: Duke vs. Ole Miss
Servpro First Responder Bowl: North Texas vs. Texas State
Duke’s Mayo Bowl: Minnesota vs. Virginia Tech
Bahamas Bowl: Buffalo vs. Liberty
****
Playoff Round One
#10 Indiana @ #7 Notre Dame
#11 SMU @ #6 Penn State
#12 Clemson @ #5 Texas
#9 Tennessee @ #8 Ohio State
Mississippi St. @ Old Mist -26: more like Lame Kiffin
Georgia Tech +19.5 @ Georgia: If we were doing the Nice Bookie this season, I'd bet on this, foolishly.
Tennessee -10.5 @ Vanderbilt: Is Tennessee any good?
South Carolina +2.5 @ Clemson: cocks baby
Louisville @ Kentucky +4: okay
Auburn @ Alabama -11.5: no
Arkansas @ Mizzou -3: Pittman quietly doing one of the better coaching job of the season
Florida -14.5 @ Florida St.: The SEC-ACC match up with marginal playoff implications is not this one.
Oklahoma @ LSU -6: Classic SEC Rivalry
Texas @ TAMU +5: This is the funniest outcome, although Texas winning by 35 would also be funny.
Mississippi St. +26
Georgia Tech +19.5
Vanderbilt +10.5
Clemson -2.5
Louisville -4
Auburn +11.5
Arkansas +3
Florida St. +14.5
Oklahoma +6
TAMU +5
Stick a fork in the pick off.
Thanksgiving: 3-6 (54-49)
The Day Before Thanksgiving (Have to Work): 2-7 (45-58)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mississippi St. @ Old Mist -26
Georgia Tech @ Georgia -19.5
Tennessee -10.5 @ Vanderbilt
South Carolina @ Clemson -2.5
Louisville -4 @ Kentucky
Auburn @ Alabama -11.5
Arkansas @ Mizzou -3
Florida -14.5 @ Florida St.
Oklahoma @ LSU -6
Texas -5 @ TAMU
Looking back at this now, several hours after originally writing it down, I'm filled with dread and disgust.
Old Mist -10.5 Can't remember who they play and don't care.
Georgia -42 Points, huh.
Tennessee -42 Huh... Points.
Texas -20.5 It would be funny if Arch Manning had a quarter-zip jersey. On account of his tv uncles.
Arkansas -23 MAD Magazine: Louisiana Blech!
Mizzou -8 Wrong!
TAMU -2.5 Right!
Alabama -14 Super Right!
LSU -8 We all know how hard it is to play in Death Valley at night.
Old Mist -10.5 @ Florida: Florida winning this would be pretty funny in a number of ways.
Texas -13.5 at Arkansas: I guess Texas is good again. Probably overreacting.
LAMO +24 at Auburn: 50-50 game at best.
LSU -4 at Florida: Florida is getting better but is still not good.
Missouri +13.5 at South Carolina: The Cocks got this one, but that's too many points.
Tennessee +10 at Georgia: no
New Mexico State at Texas A&M +39: GAME OF THE WEEK BABY, LET'S GO BIG POINTS BIG MONEY
Florida +21.5 @ Texas: that's a lot of points
Georgia -2.5 @ Old Mist: This feels like a classic "Kiffin offense gets shuts down and loses by 24" game.
South Carolina -3.5 @ Vanderbilt: This is maybe the game I care the most about this week.
Mississippi St. +24 @ Tennessee: that's a lot of points
Alabama -3 @ LSU: I probably won't watch this game, going to an event, and I'm glad.
Oklahoma @ Mizzou +2.5: another historic SEC match up
charlie trump: 3-3 (46-36)
captain harris: 2-4 (36-46)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Florida @ Texas -21.5
Georgia -2.5 @ Old Mist
South Carolina -3.5 @ Vanderbilt
Mississippi St. @ Tennessee - 24
Alabama -3 @ LSU
Oklahoma -2.5 @ Mizzou
Cold Mist -7 @ Arkauldron
Vampirebilt @ Auboorn -6
Horrorida +17 vs Gored-ya
UMask @ Grislyssippi St. -18.5
VOODU -2.5 @ Scary Crowalina
Corpsetucky @ Terrorssee -16.5
SPOOKY
Arkansas +7 They're playing pigs, but Old Mist is looking for a 'goat... a scapegoat for why they have lost two games. Maybe they will "Blame" Kiffin.
Vanderbilt +6 Easy pick.
Georgia -17 Probably wrong. But possibly right. We'll know this time next week!
Mississippi St. -18.5 Now that they've been effectively eliminated from playoff contention, the pressure is off and the 'dogs can just cook.
TAMU -2.5 Texas A&M is good now.
Tennessee -16.5 Kentucky lost to Auburn for Pete's sake.
Green Day: 3-3 (43-34)
Third Day: 3-3 (34-43)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Mist -7 @ Arkansas
Vanderbilt @ Auburn -6
Florida vs Georgia -17
UMass @ Mississippi St. -18.5
TAMU -2.5 @ South Carolina
Kentucky @ Tennessee -16.5
Oklahoma +20.5 @ Old Mist: a human number
dinosaurs
Oklahoma +20.5
Mississippi St. +7
Alabama -13.5
Vanderbilt +18.5
LSU +2.5
Kentucky -2.5
Auburn @ Mizzou -4.5: Officially done
South Carolina @ Oklahoma -3: You can throw out the records when these two historic rivals meet on the gridiron.
Alabama - 3 @ Tennessee: two teams with lots of talent but also Problems
TAMU @ Mississippi St. +15.5: I was picking too many favorites.
LSU -2.5 @ Arkansas: Friend, do not fool yourself into thinking Arkansas is even decent.
Ball St. @ Vanderbilt -26: if this was about me, it would be a Balding State
Georgia @ Texas -3.5: It would be cool if the SEC brought in Texas and Oklahoma exclusively for ad dollars, but then the sports media market collapsed and Texas won 8 of the next ten conference titles.
Kentucky -1 @ Florida: whatever
Auburn +4.5
Oklahoma -3
Alabama -3
TAMU -15.5
Arkansas +2.5
Ball St. +26
Georgia +3.5
Florida +1
South Carolina +21 @ Alabama: I don't think them Cocks is gonna win, but Alabama might have some issues on defense [smash cut to Alabama's 51-3 victory]
Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass: classic SEC match up
Texas -15 vs Oklahoma: [Collective Soul voice:] (that's where Red River goes)
Mississippi St. +34 @ Georgia: seems like a lot
Florida @ Tennessee -15.5: Leaning into the "bounce back game" narrative
Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU: seems that if LSU couldn't win last year with Video Game Numbers Jayden Daniels, they won't win now, right?
Vanderbilt +14 @ Kentucky: My thinking: this will either be a close Kentucky win/Vanderbilt win or an even bigger blowout than two touchdowns--either what Vandy is doing works or it doesn't.
Alabama -21
Mizzou -27.5
Oklahoma +15
Georgia -34
Tennessee -15.5
LSU +3.5
Vanderbilt +14
An Actual Captain of a Ship: 3-3 (33-22)
Tha Captain: 2-4 (24-31)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are the seven seas:
Gulf of Mexico - South Carolina @ Alabama -21
Boston Harbor - Mizzou -27.5 @ (?) UMass
Red Sea (that's where the Red River goes) - Texas -15 vs Oklahoma
Mobile Bay - Mississippi St. @ Georgia -34
Tampa Bay (RIP) - Florida @ Tennessee -15.5
The Bayou - Old Mist -3.5 @ LSU
Kroger Field - Vanderbilt @ Kentucky -14 (this feels disrespectful?)
Mizzou @ TAMU -2: Let's see how stupid I am here. My initial impulse was, of course, Missouri is the better team. But when I looked at the schedules, I thought, well maybe not. Now I changed my pick. Am I moron? Time will tell.
Auburn +24 @ Georgia -24: Can't imagine how Auburn will conspire to lose this one in a fascinating and heartbreaking way. Wacky special teams and game delays are still in the mix, but a late-90s style beatdown from a superior East Division team is a good option too.
Old Mist -9.5 @ South Carolina: no idea about either one of these teams
Alabama -23 @ Vanderbilt: nah
Tennessee -13.5 @ Arkansas: Pittman's last game??
UCF @ Florida +2.5: This is my "glad if I'm wrong" pick
just kidding!
Old Mist -17.5
TAMU -3.5
Oklahoma -2.5
Mississippi St. + 38.5
Alabama +2
LSU -21.5
Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5: Kentucky has proven me wrong (sort of) already this season, but this doesn't seem like the kind of game in which they can prosper.
Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5: I'm glad they play this game in Dallas, in a soulless corporate stadium
Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn: Several contradictory thoughts: I think this is a 50-50 game, and there is no way Auburn is going to win, and I am also surprised Oklahoma is not a bigger favorite.
Mississippi St. +38.5 @ Texas: Texas .... good???
Georgia @ Alabama +2: I hate this.
South Alabama +21.5 @ LSU: Jaguars baby, rawr
Something Good: 5-5 (26-17)
Something Related But Much Worse: 6-4 (17-26)
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Kentucky @ Old Mist -17.5
Arkansas vs TAMU -3.5
Oklahoma -2.5 @ Auburn
Mississippi St. @ Texas -38.5
Georgia -2 @ Alabama
South Alabama @ LSU -21.5
So, my building has entrances on - get this - four different floors. Isn't that wild? How, you say? Well it's a combination of stairs and the natural topography of the coastal plain as it slopes toward the Alabama river.
Florida -5.5
Kentucky -20
Auburn -3
UCLA +24.5
Mizzou - 20.5
Oklahoma +7
TAMU -23
South Carolina -27.5
Old Mist -36
Texas -44.5
Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.: mmmm hmmm baby that's the stuff. We are looking at a The Most Fired Coach in America special. I think Florida is better than MSU, but if they lose this game, it's a Lane-on-the-tarmac situation.
Ohio + 20 @ Kentucky: Stoops should have been fired for punting at the end of the UGA game.
Arkansas @ Auburn -3: Obviously we never pick against our awful pervert and murderer coaching staff, but Arkansas is going to win this game.
UCLA +24.5 @ LSU: Too many initials here. Am I watching a football game or New Deal legislation?
Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5: It Just Means More
Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma: cool
Bowling Green @ TAMU -23: BG almost beating Penn State means that TAMU will take them more seriously, right?
Akron @ South Carolina -27.5: Akron has not had an Inspiring Season so far. South Carolina had a win stolen from them against LSU.
Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36: yuck
Louisiana-Monroe +44.5 @ Texas: They should go to ten conference games a season.
I was hopeful that this was the first time anyone has had a 10 game lead at the end of a week, but alas, I had a 10 game lead after week 9 last year.
It's impressive that you have built this after three weeks. I'm excited to see where you go from here! Previously, the largest lead after three weeks was 5 games by me in 2019. That year you clawed your way back (you had a 3 game lead by week 11!) but I won in a tiebreaker.
How Ground Coffee Smells: 10-3 (21-12)
How Brewed Coffee Tastes: 5-8 (11-22)
---------------------------------
Florida -5.5 @ Mississippi St.
Ohio @ Kentucky -20
Arkansas @ Auburn -3
UCLA @ LSU -24.5
Vanderbilt @ Mizzou -20.5
Tennessee -7 @ Oklahoma
Bowling Green @ TAMU -23
Akron @ South Carolina -27.5
Georgia Southern @ Old Mist -36
Louisiana-Monroe @ Texas -44.5
Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin: can't bring myself to care
LSU @ South Care of Lina (+7): baby you know we click clackin
Busty College @ Mizzou (-17): another classic SEC-ACC match up / alt: when do classes start???
Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14): One of these teams deserved an SEC invite, and it wasn't Oklahomer. [The almost-sent-in-error text this week started out something like, "Wishful thinking on Tulane's conference affiliation there buddy".]
TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da: both of these teams have lost my Incoherent Quip privileges for the time being
UAB (+24.5) @ Arkansas: blazers!!
Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest: How many of these do I have to pick? It just keeps going!
UTSA @ UTA (-35): pretty good. pret-ty good.
Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.: Vanderbilt will beat Auburn
Georgia @ Kentucky (+24): Not sure this season that Kentucky has even the above-replacement-level mediocrity we've all come to hate about the Stoops coaching tenure.
New Mexico @ Auburn (-28): wrong
Toledo (+11.5) @ Miss of Sippi St.: I am 100% certain that this pick is the product of some stupid part of me still hoping that Auburn will be able to win at least one conference game this year.
Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49): Tennessee might be good, like Real Good
Wisconsin +16 who am i and what am i doing?
South Carolina +7 I saw a South Carolina fan wearing a hat that just said "Cocks" and I was like uh, buddy... who wants to tell him...
Busty College +17 In the 5 minutes since I typed this, I have forgotten who they are playing!
Oklahoma - 14
Florida +4
Arkansas -24.5 Trent Dilfer
Old Mist -23
Regular Texas -35 Hug 'Em Horns
Vanderbilt -10.5
Georgia -24 Kroger Field
Auburn -28 haha
Mississippi St. -11.5 In this case, they will be Totrailo. Because they are going to have fewer points.
Kent St. +49 That is a lot of points.
*shivers*
Al of Bama (-16) @ Wisconsin
LSU (-7) @ South Care of Lina
Busty College @ Mizzou (-17)
Tulane @ Okl of Homa (-14)
TAMU (-4) @ Flor of Da
UAB @ Arkansas (-24.5)
Old Mist (-23) @ Wake Forest
UTSA @ UTA (-35)
Vanderbilt (-10.5) @ Georgia St.
Georgia (-24) @ Kentucky
New Mexico @ Auburn (-28)
Toledo @ Miss of Sippi St. (-11.5)
Kent St. @ Tenn of See (-49)
Michigan +7.5
Oklahoma St. -7.5
Cal +13
Kentucky -10
MTSU +41 So on the new cfb video game, I started a new guy who is a middle linebacker who signed with MTSU. Edison Grady and his teammates beat Old Mist 23-10 in this game. So, life imitates art, you know?
Alabama -31
Mizzou -34.5
NC St. +8
Oklahoma -30
Mississippi St. +6.5
Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan: infuriating
Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5): ????
Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13): Arnold Schwarzenegger voice
South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10): The name's Field. Kroger Field.
MTSU @ Old Mist (-41): filing this one under "O" for "ooof"
USF @ Alabama (-31): Seems like USF should be unable to avoid being at least a decent football team, like it should just happen based on geography and such. But you'd think the same thing about regular Florida, and they look like a bunch of braindick morons out there.
Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5): I'm picking all favorites, seems fine
Tennessee (-8) v NC St.: Actually, yeah, let's pick all favorites.
Houston @ Oklahoma (-30): I thought Big Willie would be off to a better start, but getting pantsed by UNLV is not a good look.
Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5): I actually think Mississippi State will cover and maybe win, but I feel committed to the bit.
The World's Beaniest Baby: 5-5 (5-5)
The World's 2nd Beaniest Baby: 3-7 (3-7)
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Texas (-7.5) @ Michigan
Arkansas @ Oklahoma St. (-7.5)
Cal of Fornia @ Auburn (-13)
South Carolina @ Kentucky (-10)
MTSU @ Old Mist (-41)
USF @ Alabama (-31)
Buffalo @ Mizzou (-34.5)
Tennessee (-8) v NC St.
Houston @ Oklahoma (-30)
Mississippi St. @ Arizona St. (-6.5)
Look at all those SEC pick off labels. In 2008, there's no way I thought I would still be alive to do picks in 2024, and now, I still don't believe it.
Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5: Sure????
Clemson +13.5 v Georgia: Already letting emotions get in the way
Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt: lol this sucks
Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5: SEC TITANS FACE OFF
Miami (FL) @ Florida +2.5: The closest thing this week to a game I give one roasted cat turd about
Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21: yeah click clack
WKU @ Alabama -31.5: ???
Notre Dame +3 @ TAMU: Two kinds of people who should not be allowed to vote, featured in this game: Texans and farmers.
Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28: Would have been a cool game in 1995
USC v LSU -4.5: actually this might be pretty good. I think LSU wins it pretty easy though
Temple +42.5 That is a lot of points and Bobby Wallace has the Owls primed for a big year.
Georgia -13.5 Bowden Bowl!
Virginia Tech -13 Vandy needs to lose the zero (current coach) and get with a hero (Turner Gill).
Colorado St. + 32.5 Lotta horns here.
Florida +2.5 Miami will never again reach the dizzying heights of the Mark Richt era.
South Carolina -21 This weekend at my mom's birthday party, someone asked who the coach was at South Carolina and I said "Beamer Ball" and everyone just looked at me blankly. There were no follow up questions.
Alabama -31.5 No ma'am.
Notre Dame +3 Well, TAMU can do, but Notre Dame wins the game.
Southern Mist +28 Kroger Field.
LSU -4.5 Aaahh Gaaahrohnteee
Why was there a spread for Eastern Kentucky @ Mississippi State? I had to look up if EKU had made the jump. Apparently not. Therefore... it ain't here, Chief. We live by a strict code 'round these parts.
Just make picks whenever! No {v} Nice Bookie {v}! We're very flexible and open to change 'round these parts!
Temple @ Oklahoma -42.5
Clemson v Georgia -13.5
Virginia Tech -13 @ Vanderbilt
Colorado St. @ Texas -32.5
Miami (FL) -2.5 @ Florida
Old Dominion @ South Carolina -21
WKU @ Alabama -31.5
Notre Dame @ TAMU -3
Southern Miss @ Kentucky -28
USC v LSU -4.5
Had these lined up for a while, but it's been a busy time, so I don't remember if any of them are actually good.
1. Bases Loaded - hit it
2. City Blocks - merge things
3. Looper - it is a game called Looper
