lol hipsters

Top Ten CD's That I Just Made Up (and accompanying made-up review excerpts) to listen to while skimming through some of the overwrought reviews on Pitchforkmedia.com

oh man we forgot it is BHM

James brown celebrity hottub


Sometimes it make me break out in a cold sweat!
One two three four!

Hot tub! Ha! Da!
Ah-full of water!
I say hot tub! Ha!
Day! Ba! Very, very hot... Very hot! Da!
Hot tub! Gonna get ya hot-a!
Gonna make ya sweat! Hey! Say!
Hot tub! Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!

Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)
Will it make me sweat?
(Yeah!)
Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)
Will it make me wet?
(Yeah!)
Well, well, well...

Hot tub! Ah!
Get in!
Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
Here I go in the hot tub!

HHHHIIIGGGHH!!

Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!

Burn myself!
Make it cooler!
Good God!
Gonna make me...

I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
I'm gonna get in the hot tub..
Ha! Lilin! Lidilin! Eh!
A gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna make me sweat!
Gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna get me in the hot tub!
I can't stand it!
Here I go! I can't stand it!

Here I go in the hot tub!
Gonna get in the hot tub!
Gonna get it wet-ah!
Good God!
HHHIIIIGGHHH!! Ha!
Good God!
Rub a dub!
In the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!
Good God!
Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Gonna set me free!

thursdays!

No, now I can't watch Parks and Recreation without singing this. Why do you ask?

no reason.

so like a pimp I'm pimpin' got a boat to eat shrimp in

Food critics

It has always been crucial to the gourmet’s pleasure that he eat in ways the mainstream cannot afford. For hundreds of years this meant consuming enormous quantities of meat. That of animals that had been whipped to death was more highly valued for centuries, in the belief that pain and trauma enhanced taste. “A true gastronome,” according to a British dining manual of the time, “is as insensible to suffering as is a conqueror.” But for the past several decades, factory farms have made meat ever cheaper and—as the excellent book The CAFO [Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations] Reader makes clear—the pain and trauma are thrown in for free. The contemporary gourmet reacts by voicing an ever-stronger preference for free-range meats from small local farms. He even claims to believe that well-treated animals taste better, though his heart isn’t really in it. Steingarten tells of watching four people hold down a struggling, groaning pig for a full 20 minutes as it bled to death for his dinner. He calls the animal “a filthy beast deserving its fate.”

[...]

The moral logic in Pollan’s hugely successful book now informs all food writing: the refined palate rejects the taste of factory-farmed meat, of the corn-syrupy junk food that sickens the poor, of frozen fruits and vegetables transported wastefully across oceans—from which it follows that to serve one’s palate is to do right by small farmers, factory-abused cows, Earth itself. This affectation of piety does not keep foodies from vaunting their penchant for obscenely priced meals, for gorging themselves, even for dining on endangered animals—but only rarely is public attention drawn to the contradiction. This has much to do with the fact that the nation’s media tend to leave the national food discourse to the foodies in their ranks. To people like Pollan himself. And Severson, his very like-minded colleague at The New York Times. Is any other subculture reported on so exclusively by its own members? Or with a frequency and an extensiveness that bear so little relation to its size? (The “slow food” movement that we keep hearing about has fewer than 20,000 members nationwide.)

The Moral Crusade Against Foodies

He's got cards he ain't showing

Sometimes you just can't parody life

Weezer's cover of the State Farm jingle:

In the all-time history of bad ideas:

Project Pluto:

The proposed use for nuclear-powered ramjets would be to power a cruise missile, called SLAM, for Supersonic Low Altitude Missile. In order to reach ramjet speed, it would be launched from the ground by a cluster of conventional rocket boosters. Once it reached cruising altitude and was far away from populated areas the nuclear reactor would be turned on. Since nuclear power gave it almost unlimited range, the missile could cruise in circles over the ocean until ordered 'down to the deck' for its supersonic dash to targets in the Soviet Union. The SLAM as proposed would carry a payload of many nuclear weapons to be dropped on multiple targets, making the cruise missile into an unmanned bomber.

Also known as the Flying Crowbar:

Pluto's namesake was Roman mythology's ruler of the underworld -- seemingly an apt inspiration for a locomotive-size missile that would travel at near-treetop level at three times the speed of sound, tossing out hydrogen bombs as it roared overhead. Pluto's designers calculated that its shock wave alone might kill people on the ground. Then there was the problem of fallout. In addition to gamma and neutron radiation from the unshielded reactor, Pluto's nuclear ramjet would spew fission fragments out in its exhaust as it flew by. One enterprising weaponeer had a plan to turn an obvious peace-time liability into a wartime asset: he suggested flying the radioactive rocket back and forth over the Soviet Union after it had dropped its bombs.

[...]

Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, Pluto's sponsors were having second thoughts about the project. Even before it began dropping bombs on our enemies Pluto would have deafened, flattened, and irradiated our friends. The noise level on the ground as Pluto went by overhead was expected to be about 150 decibels. Ruptured eardrums, of course, would have been the least of your problems if you were unlucky enough to be underneath the unshielded reactor when it went by, literally roasting chickens in the barnyard. Pluto had begun to look like something only Goofy could love.

I can't believe this was never completed.

ever since I was a tiny boy

Philosophy experiments

These kinds of internet quiz things are fun to do, but ultimately I think they're pretty silly. It is almost always necessary to grossly simplify situations, construct some false analogy, or find non-existent contradictions in order to create these easy-to-answer yes-or-no kinds of questions. I need room for nuance in answers. As is, they're only useful to suss out the extremes -- to find people who are, say, 100% utilitarian in every situation.

Most importantly, and I'm thinking specifically of the "Should you kill the fat man?" quiz, these kinds of discussions lack what I think is the key fact of the human condition: sometimes there is no right. People are in situations (all the time, in fact) in which there is no morally right answer, and whatever you do, you've done something wrong. There might be less wrong answers, or decisions that are a different kind of wrong, but you're wrong either way.

this just in

yer humble bloggers

Packers

3E approves

The Big Lebowski parody posters

Friday links

Boxcar2D is pretty cool. There has to be a math or science teaching moment in there.

The Diving Board "is a Panel of football fans that have set out to instill awareness of the simulation and diving that inevitably occurs during most football matches."

Followed by Dwarf Hoarders

Connections

Connections!

Connections!!

Connections!!!

Mashup Monday

Where's Randy Savage?

here!

Droid is from Android

I got a new phone, although not because I drunkenly smashed my old one. It is fancy! I am a big fan so far.

"In the meantime, thanks, ants. Thants."

"What are birds? We just don't know."

Does this seem counterproductive?

Amazon

Metal Monday

Who dat guy on the left?

I'm so ugly. But that's ok. 'Cause so are you.

So...

I just finished RE-reading Gravity's Rainbow. That's twice. Your erection is understandable.

RIP George Plimpton!

This is America. Nobody deserves to be treated as a black man!

This is what Nancy Grace wants to be.


Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

"he would sometimes spot his opponents 15 points for a game up to 21 and during every point, recall a painful experience from his childhood."

Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist is one of my favorite TV shows ever, and there's no good reason it shouldn't still exist. Via the youtube you can find many. Also, Jonathan Katz has multiple sclerosis.

He was the New York ping pong champion in 1964.

He is a close personal friend of renowned playwright David Mamet, with whom he attended Goddard College. Katz co-wrote House of Games with Mamet and had small roles in the Mamet directed films Things Change, Homicide, The Spanish Prisoner and State and Main. They used to travel around college to college hustling people over games of ping pong. Katz would let Mamet beat him. They would pretend to play for money then Mamet would say "If you want to play me, you have to beat my friend first." To keep the game moderately close, he would sometimes spot his opponents 15 points for a game up to 21 and during every point, recall a painful experience from his childhood.

Atlanta

Since big-time professional sports arrived in 1966, teams sailing under the Atlanta flag have completed 149 seasons. (We won’t count baseball in 1994, when the World Series was canceled by a players’ strike, or the 2004-2005 NHL campaign, which was scrubbed due to a lockout.) Only one has yielded a championship. That’s a batting average of .007, which is nice if you’re James Bond, less nice if you’ve invested financial and emotional capital in any of those 148 misses.

Atlanta's Sad Sports History

Metal Monday

Metal Monday bonus: The awesome Map of Metal.

Seeing Caleb Hanie reminded me of great gunslingas of Colorado State past...

...and that discussion begins and ends with Bradlee Van Pelt.



Apologies for the soundtrack but the two options were that or a video with the actual live commentary from Pam Ward.

3e in pictures

Friday game

Blow Things Up. I like these kinds of games, even relatively easy ones like this.

With just one look I was a bad mess

Wikipedia Wednesday

1. Dunning-Kruger effect: "The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than it actually is, while the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to the situation in which less competent people rate their own ability higher than more competent people. It also explains why actual competence may weaken self-confidence. Competent individuals falsely assume that others have an equivalent understanding."

2. Narcotizing Dysfunction: "Because the individual is assailed with information of issues and problems and they are knowledgeable about or discuss these issues, they believe they are helping in the solution. Society has confused knowing about an issue with doing something about it. Society’s conscience is clear as they think they have done something to remediate the issue. However, being informed and concerned is not a replacement for action."

3. List of animals with fraudulent diplomas: "Oreo C. Collins (born circa 2007) is a tuxedo cat who gained notoriety when she received a diploma from Jefferson High School Online in 2009, although her age was misrepresented in order to qualify. The sting was an investigative operation by the Better Business Bureau of Central Georgia headed by Kelvin Collins, Oreo's owner. Representatives from the school cited the cat's "formal and professional appearance" as grounds for accepting his otherwise suspect academic credentials."

Cooking

Earlier, you will have ground 3 3/4 lbs of fish with a mortar and pestle-heads, tails bones, and all-and forced them through a coarse sieve. Do not use a grinder, blender, or cuisinart. The sieve of La Tour Lambert is an elegant sock of meshed copper wire, with a fitted ashwood plunger. It is kept immaculately bright. Its apertures are shrewdly gauged to crumble the bones without pulverizing the flesh. Into the strained fish,mix small amounts of salt, white pepper, nutmeg, and chopped truffles--fresh ones, if possible. (See truffle.)

Stir fish and liquid into an even paste.

Two hours before, you will have refrigerated 1 cup of the heaviest cream available. Here, of course, access to a cow is a blessing.

The breathtakingly viscid cream of La Tour Lambert is kept in specially excavated cellars. Those without one use the town chiller, in the middle depths--cool but not cold--of the cave mentioned earlier. Often I have watched the attendant women entering and emerging from that room, dusky figures in cowls, shawls, and long gray gowns, bearing earthenware jugs like offerings to a saint.

Country Cooking from Central France: Roast Boned Rolled Stuffed Shoulder of Lamb (Farce Double)

More More Metal Monday

Who needs vocals?

More Metal Monday

Too much singin and not enough yellin on the new albums, but this one has grown on me a little bit.

Arguably the stupidest thing written after the BCS title game

Charles Hollis, "Hot Corner: Here is some recruiting advice for Oregon's Chip Kelly:"

Oregon was so close to beating Auburn in the BCS National Championship Game, so whatever the Ducks are doing is working just fine. But don't expect them to play for a national title again any time soon. Just too much trick football.

Take your pick from Monday's game: Fake extra-point conversion, the reverse (or fake reverses) on back-to-back kickoff returns, or the crazy fake punt they converted into a first down.

What they need are fewer tricks and more big, fast defensive linemen, big and physical offensive linemen, and a couple of fast wide receivers wouldn't hurt.

First, two out of those three fake plays worked, which Hollis actually recognizes. I don't think Les Miles has had much trouble with the trick plays this year, and he's doing alright, without retards accusing him of using too many trick plays and not relying just on talent to win. And doesn't Gus Malzahn have a bit of a reputation for trickery and misdirection?

Second, his advice to the coach at Oregon is just "recruit better"? That's like telling someone trying out for the NBA to "just be taller." The best team in the Pacific Northwest is rarely (never?) going to be more talented than the best team in the South. That's just the way it is, with population and team history and such.

Additionally, while it's always nice to have better players, I don't think talent is Oregon's problem. They did play just about even with the best offensive and defensive players in America, and their starting running back is the nation's leading rusher and 2010 Heisman third-placer. Since 2007, Oregon has had three recruiting classes in the top twenty. They're not the most talented team in the country, but Oregon has some NFL talent. And you know what? If it were just about talent then Texas would have been playing Florida for the national title.

Third, Oregon did better on defense than the average SEC team did in handling the Auburn offense, one of the best in conference history. A lot of that has to do with having so much time to prepare, the poor field, Newton getting banged up, etc etc. You know what it didn't have anything to do with? Trick plays! Statistically, Oregon's defense played better than most SEC teams against Auburn. Only Mississippi State held Auburn to fewer points, and that was early in the season before Auburn really got going.

Metal Monday

Whoa aqualung

Friday game link

Hyperpype. It is spelled with two Ys and the music is distracting.

3E Presents: Catchphrase Friday

You want to be the coolest cat on the block? You've got to have a catchphrase! With the weekend coming up, 3E is here to help. We know everybody wants to make you work hard when you're getting winded just polishing off other people's empties. So the next time somebody wants to make you ride a mechanical bull, or move out of the way for the bathroom, just hit them with a catchphrase:

"Sorry, but I got a condition -- real bad case of dignity."

Be the coolest guy around this Friday, 'cause it's Catchphrase Friday.

Harry Potter edited

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Link

wrong

so gloriously, brain-explodingly wrong.

oh, i see

So that's what a Montana Fishburne is.

The United States of Autocomplete

This is a football- and college-friendly country. Also this.

Surprises: North Carolina furniture, Delaware Water Gap, Nevada Smiths.

it's a big day, not even counting snowpocalypse

Supermax

James, who is in his twenties, has been beaten all his life, first by family members: “I was punched, kicked, slapped, bitten, thrown against the wall.” He began seeing mental-health workers at four and taking psychiatric medication at seven. He said he was bipolar and had many other disorders. When a doctor took him off his meds at age eighteen, he got into “selling drugs, robbing people, fighting, burglaries.” He received a twelve-year sentence for robbery. Of the four years James had been in prison when I met him, he had spent all but five months in solitary confinement. The isolation is “mental torture, even for people who are able to control themselves,” he said. It included periods alone in a cell “with no blankets, no clothes, butt-naked, mace covering me.” Everything James told me was confirmed by other inmates and prison employees.

James’s story illustrates an irony in the negative reaction of many Americans to the mistreatment of “war on terrorism” prisoners at Guantánamo. To little public outcry, tens of thousands of American citizens are being held in equivalent or worse conditions in this country’s super-harsh, super-maximum security, solitary-confinement prisons, or in comparable units of traditional prisons. The Obama administration— somewhat unsteadily—plans to shut down the Guantánamo detention center and ship its inmates to one or more supermaxes in the United States, as though this would mark a substantive change. In the supermaxes inmates suffer weeks, months, years, or even decades of mind-destroying isolation, usually without meaningful recourse to challenge the conditions of their captivity. Prisoners may be regularly beaten in cell extractions, and they receive meager health services. The isolation frequently leads to insane behavior including self-injury and suicide attempts.

The Worst of the Worst: Supermax Torture in America

hey

hey do you want some ether

cause I got some in this rag here

oh okay no

just let me know if you do

metal monday

3E Presents: Thursdizzle

Bowl prep

Auburn is practicing at Scottsdale Community College. You know what their mascot is?



That's right: The Fighting Artichokes.

has five, has ten, mark it off at...

RF fired. Sad.

metal monday

where we at

CRISIS games (Tha Captainz Pix listed firzt):

12/21: Louisville v Southern Miss
12/27: Ga Tech v Air Force
12/28: Iowa v Missouri
12/29: Arizona v Okie St
12/30: Tennessee v UNC
12/31: Clemson v USF
12/31: Florida St v South Carolina
01/01: Penn St v Florida
01/01: Michigan v Miss St

Bolded the winners. That puts Tha Captain at three wins, Tha Charlie at six. BUT!

01/03: Va Tech v Stanford
01/04: The Ohio St v Arkansas
01/07: TAMU v LSU

We have three games left. If Tha Captain puts the team on his back, cross the plane, touchdown, then we go to the tiebreaker. If Samford takes care of business tonight, or if either SEC Western Division representative wins, then that's it.

Of course, the real winners are the good people of Birmingham, Alabama, who will be hosting the potential tie-breaker match next weekend.

the MOST people!

let's have a great day of football, hosers.

3e bowl pick them 2010: happy new year, buttsuckers

3E: The SEC East of fraternities. Nice to see that cock VEGASBOT end the year with a total wank.

we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this hatepost

HEY SUCK IT GEORGIA FANS YOU OBNOXIOUS JERKWADS. BURN DOWN AND DON'T REBUILD. YOU WILL PROBABLY WIN THIS GAME BUT THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PLAYING CENTRAL FLORIDA IN A NEW YEAR'S EVE BOWL GAME AND THAT IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH ITSELF.

3e bowl pick them 2010: asterisks aplenty

new year's resolutions

3e bowl pick them 2010: the chase for .500 and the VEGASBOT rampant

What a dick.

In the spirit of fairness...

It's time to play...

COACH... OR... CENOBITE?

little did I realize

that it was tha captain all along!

3e bowl pick them 2010: another chase for .500

3e bowl pick them 2010: murry xmas, brah. sorry bout the snow.

One last little holiday lull before shit gets CRISIS on the 27th. And this CRISIS don't stop til aught 11, playa.


For the record, VEGASBOT still owns our shit at 6 - 1.

Merry Christmas, pagans

Jeremiah 10:2-5

2 Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not. 5 They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good.

BEEPBOOPBEEPBEEPBEEPBOOPBEEPBOOPBOOPBEEPBEEPBEEPLOLOL

3e bowl pick them 2010: nice visor, brah

Didn't run this idea past the PR department, did we?

Simpson College is a liberal arts school located in Indianola, Iowa. Like many colleges, they have an online services and information portal to look up classes, pay bills, etc. Unlike many colleges, they named it after a white supremacist web forum.

That's right. Simpson students log in to StormFront.

3e bowl pick them 2010: nice warm-up, brah

well there you go

CRISIS games (Tha Captainz Pix listed firzt):

12/21: Louisville v Southern Miss
12/27: Ga Tech v Air Force
12/28: Iowa v Missouri
12/29: Arizona v Okie St
12/30: Tennesse v UNC
12/31: Clemson v USF
12/31: Florida St v South Carolina
01/01: Penn St v Florida
01/01: Michigan v Miss St
01/03: Va Tech v Stanford
01/04: The Ohio St v Arkansas
01/07: TAMU v LSU

Charles Bowl Picks

New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP
What is worse, bowls with silly names (uDrove Humanitarian) or bowls with no names (New Mexico)? I like UTEP but they are losers and their team sucks. Also I like Bronco Mendenhall a lot more than Mike "Dumb Enough to Buy Whores with a University Expense Card" Price.
My pick: MORMONS

uDrove Humanitarian: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State
NIU was upset in the MAC title game and also their coach left. FSU West has a worse record, but they've lost to better teams.
My pick: FRESNO STATE

R+L Carriers New Orleans: Ohio vs. Troy
I learned today that Ohio has never won a bowl game. History means a lot to me.
My pick: TROY

Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg: Louisville vs. Southern Miss
This is a bowl name that's too easy to make fun. For several moments I was confused that this was a game when I first saw it, but then I remembered Louisville is no longer in C-USA (new division names: Losers and Forgettables). I don't really have a good reason to pick either of these teams.
My pick: SOUTHERN MISS

MAACO Las Vegas: Utah vs. Boise State
I think Boise State is roughly as good as TCU, who beat Utah real bad. I think Boise will be disappointed and it won't be a blow-out, but I still expect them to carry even this crappy bowl game.
My pick: BOISE STATE

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia: San Diego State vs. Navy
I watched part of the Army-Navy game and I was not terribly impressed with Navy's defense. San Diego State has moreover looked pretty good this season, losing to four games but all pretty close and all to decent teams.
My pick: SAN DIEGO STATE

Sheraton Hawaii: Tulsa vs. Hawaii
I think Todd Graham is kind of a dick.
My pick: HAWAI'I

Little Caesars: Florida International vs. Toledo
So this is a bowl game in Detroit, for a bunch of kids from south Florida, playing on an FIU team that won six games.
My pick: TOLEDO

AdvoCare V100 Independence: Georgia Tech vs. Air Force
I do like the option. I am assuming that Josh Nesbitt will not be able to play, but if he can he will still probably be rusty.
My pick: AMERICA'S AIR FORCE

Champs Sports: NC State vs. West Virginia
Champs is an interesting bowl consolation for two teams that lost their conference/division championships in the last game of the season. Losers. I was going to go with NCSt but I think the coaching situation in West Virginia will galvanize the Mounties.
My pick: WEST BY GOD VIRGINIA

Insight: Iowa vs. Missouri
I am going with the team with the better offense, defense, coach, and record, so long as it has fewer recent arrests/suspensions. I do think Iowa is a little better than people think, though.
My pick: MISSOURI

Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman: Maryland vs. East Carolina
I was just in Maryland!
My pick: MARYLAND

Texas: Illinois vs. Baylor
Ron Zook is not a great coach. I like that Baylor quarterback. Also, in the Who Wants to Be Here More contest, I think Baylor has an advantage.
My pick: BAYLOR

Valero Alamo: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona
Arizon has faced a couple of OSU-caliber offenses so far this season, and they gave up big points both times. Oklahoma State's two losses came to better teams than Arizona's five, and Arizona had a big losing streak. Also, I like Mike Gundy.
My pick: OKLAHOMA STATE

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces: SMU vs. Army
There's both a Military Bowl and an Armed Services Bowl? I like June Jones and also Army football loses bowl games. Army's logo looks like it should be a unit in a Super Nintendo game.
My pick: PONY EXPRESS

New Era Pinstripe: Kansas State vs. Syracuse
With two teams with equal records, I tend to pick based on who had the tougher schedule, and that's KSU. Also somebody on my trivia team (Suck It Trebek) is a KSU alum.
My pick: KANSAS STATE

Franklin American Mortgage Music City: North Carolina vs. Tennessee
Tennessee has beaten exactly one decent team this year (Kentucky). FSU, Clemson, and East Carolina are all at least that good, and they're all UNC wins. Also I would like to compare a couple of close calls: Tennessee barely beat UAB in overtime; North Carolina barely lose to LSU.
My pick: NORTH CAROLINA

Bridgepoint Education Holiday: Nebraska vs. Washington
Wait, what? Why is this a bowl game, even ignoring the already-played-one-blowout-game factor?
My pick: NEWBRASKA

Meineke Car Care: Clemson vs. USF
Kyle Parker should have taken the money; the Auburn game alone shaved three years off his life expectancy. Also, USF beat Miami, who beat Clemson. That's math.
My pick: SOUTH FLORIDA

Hyundai Sun: Miami vs. Notre Dame
Wake the echoes, right. These teams are bad. Miami just lost a coach, while Notre Dame has a good coach in Brian Kelly. Also Notre Dame looks like they improved at the end of the season, while Miami didn't.
My pick: CATHOLICS

AutoZone Liberty: UCF vs. Georgia
Georgia's having a down year, and UCF has ten wins, but I won't let a C-USA title trick me. UGA's got too much offense.
My pick: GEORGIA

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Florida State vs. South Carolina
I don't think FSU's got the defense to stop South Carolina's talented offense. Also, Ponder isn't playing, is he? The thing that makes me question this pick is that Spurrier hasn't been a great bowl coach.
My pick: SOUTH CAROLINA

TicketCity: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech
Oh, Tubby! You might remember that Northwestern has never won a bowl game, and they'll be without their regular quarterback. On the other hand, TTU has really beaten anybody of note. Still, hard to pick against out hero the catfish cooker. Also, why is something called the TicketCity Bowl playing on New Years' Day?
My pick: TEXAS TECH

Outback: Penn State vs. Florida
Neither of these are particularly good teams, but Florida is not as not good. I doubt this game will be as exciting as last year's rendition. Even though he kind of tricked them last year, I think Florida's players will show up for their coach on his way out. On the other hand, I doubt Paterno recognizes most of his players.
My pick: FLORIDA

Capital One: Michigan State vs. Alabama
Two disappointed teams. Also, did you know Nick Saban used to be the head coach at Michigan State? It's true! Alabama is a better team, even though I hate to admit it.
My pick: Alabama

Gator: Michigan vs. Mississippi State
How fun. Michigan playing Mississippi State, much less as an underdog, in a bowl game is something that would have been hard to imagine a few years ago. I think a good rule is to go with the coach that is rumored to be leaving for a better job, not the one rumored to be leaving for being fired.
My pick: MISSISSISSIPPI STATE

Rose Bowl Game presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU
I might be overly influenced by Bret Bielema stomping some folks, but I have trouble imagining this Wisconsin offense being stopped. I haven't watched a ton of TCU games, but the thing in my mind is the recentish Auburn-Wisconsin Citrus Bowl, wherein the highly regarded Auburn defense just couldn't handle the big, effective Wisconsin offense. That's what I see here.
My pick: WISCONSIN

Tostitos Fiesta: Oklahoma vs. Connecticut
Except for this one, all the BCS bowls should be at least watchable and mostly
good games. Way to dick things up, Fiesta Bowl.
My pick: OKIES FROM MUSKOGEE

Discover Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Stanford
It's difficult for me to get a handle on how good Virginia Tech actually is. They lost those first two and then went victorious in a mediocre ACC. I think Luck is the best single player in the game.
My pick: SAMFORD

Allstate Sugar: Arkansas vs. Ohio State
I am inclined to pick Arkansas solely on OSU's past failures against SEC teams. But also I am an SEC homer, as the talk radio people would say. Legitimate reasons: Arkansas has played a much tougher schedule; I think both Auburn and Alabama would beat OSU.
My pick: ARKANSAS

GoDaddy.com: Miami (Ohio) vs. Middle Tennessee
MTSU beat both Western Kentucky and Florida International by only one point each.
My pick: MIAMI (OH!)

AT&T Cotton: Texas A&M vs. LSU
I still refuse to believe that TAMU is a good team, but LSU is only half of a good team. Both teams lost close games to Arkansas. LSU's close game with Auburn is more impressive than beating Nebraska or Oklahoma, in my opinion. I am taking the Tigers in a close one. Again, let me point out that Mike Sherman is not a good coach.
My pick: LSU

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky
I am going to miss the nightmare pizza mascots. I would have picked Kentucky, but with the Stach leaving, I think Pitt shows up to get rowdy (?) and beat Kentucky, who is without their regular quarterback.
My pick: PITT

Kraft Fight Hunger: Boston College vs. Nevada
Nothing fights hunger like an unnecessary bowl game in California. At least Nevada has beaten a good team.
My pick: NEVADA

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Auburn vs. Oregon
Auburn has played the tougher schedule and has more experience with close games so far. Also, are you willing to bet against Cam Newton? I wouldn't. If Oregon wins, though, it won't be a surprise, because these Ducks are pretty good. I think Chip Kelly is a genius.
My pick: AUBURN

Tha Captainz Pix

So Xcited.

Lines are current Sportsbook.com lines as of this afternoon.

New Mexico Bowl
UTEP v BYU(-11.5)
I wonder how many years Mike Price thought he was going to be at UTEP before getting a better job. I wonder if it was more than two.
Tha Captainz Choice: bYu

Humanitarian Bowl
Fresno St. v Northern Illinois(-1)
This line has gone back and forth. Jerry KILL is leaving and Pat HILL is never going anywhere.
Tha Captainz Choice: Fresno

New Orleans Bowl
Ohio v Troy(-2.5)
Temple should probably be in a bowl game ahead of Ohio, but I love that little bobcat logo so I’m going to choke down my complaints. Ohio is probably the more excited team, but Troy has to be so much better that it won‘t matter.
Tha Captainz Choice: Troy

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Southern Miss v Louisville(-3)
Good Grief O’Grady’s.
Tha Captainz Choice: Louisville

Las Vegas Bowl
Boise St.(-17) v Utah
I might have been tempted to pick Utah if they hadn’t gotten bitchskulled by Notre Dame and if Boise hadn’t bounced back as well as they did. Never go against Boise in a bowl game is what I always say from now on.
Tha Captainz Choice: Boise

Poinsettia Bowl
Navy v San Diego St.(-4.5)
Brady Hoke should be 1) coach at a more prominent football school 2) on the Sopranos.
Tha Captainz Choice: SDSU

Hawaii Bowl
Hawaii(-10) v Tulsa
Actually, I assumed Tulsa had dropped their football program after Gustav left. Name a Tulsa player. Any Tulsa player from any time period. I had to think for a minute, but I remembered Paul Smith as a former Tulsa player. You don’t forget a name like that.
Tha Captainz Choice: Hawaii

Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl
Florida International v Toledo(-1.5)
Congratulations, Baby Jesus. You’ll always remember your first bowl game. Whenever I think about FIU, I always think of the episode of the Simpsons where a new area code leads to Olde and New Springfields. Olde Springfield finds gold in a riverbed, gets even richer, Kent Brockman gets blinged out and says on the news, “from now on, we’ll all be taking GOLDEN showers.” Somebody offstage giggles and Kent doesn’t get it. The Florida International GOLDEN Panthers. FIU is the only team in a bowl game for whom I can’t name a single player, current or former.
Tha Captainz Choice: Toledo

Independence Bowl
Georgia Tech v Air Force(-3)
Total game time: 2:23. Total passes thrown: 17. These are both hilariously possible.
Tha Captainz Choice: Georgia Tech

Champs Sports Bowl
West Virginia(-3) v NC State
This one was close. Tom O’Brien knows bowl games. Bill Stewart knows whittlin. Go with the guy with the knife.
Tha Captainz Choice: WVU

Insight Bowl
Missouri(-1) v Iowa
Corn meth derp.
Tha Captainz Choice: Iowa

Military Bowl
Maryland(-7) v East Carolina
Muffin McNeil is a pretty big dude. Imagine if Fridge hadn’t lost the weight that he has.
Tha Captainz Choice: Derps

Texas Bowl
Baylor(-1) v Illinois
I don’t know. Baylor will be all BRILED up? Illinois will probably win.
Tha Captainz Choice: Baylor

Alamo Bowl
Arizona v Oklahoma St.(-5.5)
Arizona can’t possibly be as bad as they were in the Holiday Bowl last year. I thought for a while about T. Boone PICKENs Okie St.
Tha Captainz Choice: Arizona

Armed Forces Bowl
SMU(-8) v Army
Pony Exce$, baby.
Tha Captainz Choice: SMU

Pinstripe Bowl
Kansas St. v Syracuse(PK)
Other than the TBCSNCG, this was the last holdout. I’ve seen bookies with each of them as the favorite. When in doubt, go with the team that isn’t Syracuse.
Tha Captainz Choice: Kansas St.

Music City Bowl
Tennessee v North Carolina(-2)
NC has suspended players. UT has badass back-tats. My head says UNC. Heads lie.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tennessee

Holiday Bowl
Washington v Nebraska(-14)
UDub wins! ß SARKasm!
Tha Captainz Choice: Nebraska

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Clemson(-5) v USF
I have very little to say about this.
Tha Captainz Choice: Clemson

Sun Bowl
Notre Dame v Miami(FL)(-3)
Big, flashy names. Dull, mediocre football.
Tha Captainz Choice: Notre Dame

Liberty Bowl
UCF v Georgia(-6.5)
Probably more points than the UCF/MissSt Liberty Bowl from a few years ago. Georgia probably wins the East next year.
Tha Captainz Choice: Georgia

Peach Bowl
Florida St. v South Carolina(-3)
No better way to give a big ‘fuck you’ to aught 10.
Tha Captainz Choice: Florida St.

Ticket City Bowl
Texas Tech(-9.5) v Northwestern
If NW couldn’t win that Outback Bowl last year, they will never win a bowl game ever.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tech

Outback Bowl
Penn St. v Florida(-7.5)
Head says Florida. However, mouth has been telling Sean all year that the Big 10 wins 2 of the 3 guaranteed Jan. 1 matchups with the SEC this year.
Tha Captainz Choice: Penn St.

Citrus Bowl
Alabama(-9.5) v Michigan St.
If we were doing one of those confidence points things, this would be my 35 pointer.
Tha Captainz Choice: Bammer

Gator Bowl
Michigan v Mississippi St.(-4.5)
Head says State. See Outback Bowl.
Tha Captainz Choice: Michigan

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin v TCU(-2)
Soooo many decision changes on this one. My head says the last time a team was scoring at this clip it was 08 Oklahoma and the pre-bowl layoff and solid ‘fence of Florida stopped it pretty well. Ostensibly, TCU’s ‘fence is pretty good too. My heart says I hate Wisconsin and they’ll probably win.
Tha Captainz Choice: Wisconsin

Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma(-17) v Connecticut
Mmmhmm.
Tha Captainz Choice: Oklahoma

Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech v Stanford(-3.5)
Harbaughball is hard to say.
Tha Captainz Choice: VaTech

Sugar Bowl
The Ohio St.(-3.5) v Arkansas
Petrinoball is easy to say but it conjures up some bad shit, man.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tosu

GoDaddy.com Bowl
MTSU v Miami(OH)(-1)
Did you know that in Microsoft Works, pressing ctrl d inserts the current date? Check it: 12/16/10. I just learned that! I don’t know why I’m picking the team with the coach leaving for a better job while I’m picking against teams with retiring/forcedtoleave coaches whom the players probably will go all out for. But there’s one thing I NEVER do and that’s change a pick.
Tha Captainz Choice: Miami

Cotton Bowl
Texas A&M v LSU(-1.5)
OMG, IDK. TAMU isn’t even that good. With any kind of QB, LSU would be in the TBCSNCG. LOL.
Tha Captainz Choice: TAMU

BBVA Compass Bowl
Kentucky v Pitt(-3.5)
Eeeek. If Wannscock weren’t leaving, I would pick Pitt. Maybe I should anyway. He’s not leaving for a better job. What’s wrong with me? Alright, fuck it, I’m changing it.
Tha Captainz Choice: Pitt

Kraft Fights Hunger Bowl
BC v Nevada(-9.5)
Take THAT, hunger.
Tha Captainz Choice: Nevada

National Championship
Auburn(!)(-3) v Oregon
I don’t know what to say. War Eagle.
Tha Captainz Choice: Auburn

3E protected friendships

By popular demand:

Scrott - Filly: Blondes stick together.
Tred - Charlie: Internet games. Dog owners.
West - Juicebot: Ghanaian car selling scam investment partners.

Uncomfortable plot summaries

Not an entirely accurate name, but these are fun. Also once you start making them, it's irresistible. My favorites:

HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

Some I wrote:

Inception: Troubled widower sleeps better with professional help.
Forrest Gump: Mentally disabled Vietnam vet watches his wife die.
The Green Mile: Prison guards fail to subvert the law; condemned prisoner executed.
Arrested Development: Failing family business exacerbates personality disorders, substance abuse.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Contemporary Christology not bloodthirsty enough for some.

3E Announces New Divisional Format

BIRMINGHAM, Al - In an emergency drinking session, Tri-Epsilon, America's foremost micro-fraternity, unanimously voted to divide its members into two divisions. The distribution has been meticulously designed to maintain traditional friendships. One division consists of former DMX members while the other is composed of the core Starcraft bloc. Each member has one "designated friend" from the opposite division with whom they will maintain a yearly friendship.

Division A: Scrott, Tred, West

Division B: Juicebot, Charlie, Filly

3E plans to announce division names at a later date.

ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for tonight we dine in hell!

and I'm pulling out all your mind

this just in

3e approves

Friday game

Taberinos is fun.

this was on meme generator

Why is that baby mad at me?

this just in

know your meme!

if you were trying to make fun of him...

you couldn't do a better job that he does.



The part of me that still believes there's something good in the world wants this to be a joke.

Tuesdays with Charles

Charles stayed close to the door, holding his mother's hand. He could never remember being in a hospital before, and he had never been near a dead or dying person, but he could feel a palpable sense of death's approach in the crowded room, and it frightened him, especially since everyone in the room stared at him as soon as he entered. Just as terrifying was the man laying in the bed twenty feet away, breathing heavily with the aid of a machine. Everyone, including Charles, called him Big Daddy, though he was not of course Charles's actual father, but rather his great-grandfather. At only six years old, Charles had heard enough to know and to fear Big Daddy, despite having rarely seen him. He squeezed closer to his mother's leg.

Big Daddy had been only an idea, a phantom, until about a year ago, until Scott, the youngest child of Big Daddy's youngest daughter, and the only son of any of Big Daddy's four daughters, had been killed in a car accident. Scott had seemed unapproachably adult and mature to Charles, though he was in reality still only in college and mourned as the death of a child by his family. A few weeks later, Big Daddy came to visit, though Charles never saw him, being sternly instructed to stay upstairs in his room. Then there had been shouting and fights, and Charles heard about Big Daddy no more, until today.

Now the old man's glassy eyes sharpened up, looking at Charles's mother. "The boy," he wheezed, "He's here. Let me see him. Let me talk."

No one moved, and at first Charles wasn't sure he'd actually heard anything. Then he realized that his mother was unsure what to do, and her indecision scared him. Finally, she reached down and picked him up. He turned and looked back to the closed door as she carried him to the bed.

"Sit him down here, let me talk to him," Big Daddy said. His mother only complied halfway, standing Charles down on the floor two feet away from the bed. Charles turned and looked and knew he was watching a person die.

"Come here, come here son, I have to talk to you. I have to tell you something."

Charles edged closer, slowly. Suddenly a jaundiced, scabbed hand shot out, grabbing his arm and dragging him closer to the bed. Another reached out, shoving his mother away. Big Daddy leaned in close.

"You know," Big Daddy whisper so low that only Charles could hear him, and barely, "I've always done things the way I knew they needed to be done. You won't understand it now, but I've always done what I had to do, and I did it the way I wanted. I've done some things I wish I hadn't, but it made me strong. It made me powerful, and feared. You're scared now, aren't you?"

Charles nodded, tears slowly welling in his eyes.

"That's good, but you shouldn't be. You need to know, and you need to remember. You have to understand."

Suddenly Big Daddy began to cough, violently. Loud beeps and noises filled the room. The family was shoved away as nurses, and then doctors, crowded in around the bed.

Big Daddy began waving his arms wildly, shoving a nurse aside and almost falling off the bed as he reached out to grab Charles, pulling him close again.

"You have to remember this, Charles. You have to know this." Big Daddy was panting, his mouth bleeding. "Know this one thing, that my father told me, and his father told him, and now I'm telling you."

Charles looked, and the room seemed to stop all its motion.

"You've got to understand, haters gonna hate."

A doctor pulled Big Daddy back onto the bed. Charles's mother grabbed him and ran out of the room. Neither of them ever saw Big Daddy again.

Electrical banana is bound to be the very next phase

3E approves

3E approves

memories: fond.

And the colored girls go do do do do do do do do

On prison

On December 4, 1991, Terry Anderson was released from captivity. He had been the last and the longest-held American hostage in Lebanon. I spoke to Keron Fletcher, a former British military psychiatrist who had been on the receiving team for Anderson and many other hostages, and followed them for years afterward. Initially, Fletcher said, everyone experiences the pure elation of being able to see and talk to people again, especially family and friends. They can’t get enough of other people, and talk almost non-stop for hours. They are optimistic and hopeful. But, afterward, normal sleeping and eating patterns prove difficult to reëstablish. Some have lost their sense of time. For weeks, they have trouble managing the sensations and emotional complexities of their freedom.

For the first few months after his release, Anderson said when I reached him by phone recently, “it was just kind of a fog.” He had done many television interviews at the time. “And if you look at me in the pictures? Look at my eyes. You can tell. I look drugged.”

-Hellhole: Is long-term solitary confinement torture?

Alas, in so many ways Guantánamo is not the exception but far closer to the rule of our criminal justice system, and the case of Omar Khadr, rather than being an anomaly of the War on Terror, is in all too many ways positively all-American. To be sure, taking a child soldier you've captured in a foreign land, whose interrogation entailed stringing him up half-naked in a five-foot-square cell with wrists chained to the bars at eye level and a hood clamped tightly over his face, then prosecuting him for "murder" because he allegedly tossed a grenade on a foreign battlefield, does present some legal issues that don't ordinarily come up in Spokane or Chillicothe.

But Gitmo, a "betrayal of American values"? Would that it were! Alas, for nearly every grisly tabloid feature of the Khadr case, you can find an easy analog in our everyday criminal justice system. In a sense, much of our War on Terror has proven a slightly spicier version of our "normal" way of doing criminal justice. Using the case of Omar Khadr, let's take this step by step.

-Guantanamo: Exception or Rule?

THAT is hardcore.

Keyboard player. He really gets the limelight at about 2:40.

srsly?

Is the US falling behind?

You may be interested to know that the new "top dog" on the
"Top 500" list, the list of biggest, baddest, and fastest
computers is the Chinese Tianhe-1A system at the National
Supercomputer Center in Tianjin.

Second place is Cray XT5 Jaguar system at the U.S. DOEs, Oak Ridge
Leadership Computing Facility in Tennessee. Third place is now held
by the Chinese system Nebulae at the National Supercomputing Centre
in Shenzhen. Number four is Tsubame 2.0 at the Tokyo Institute of
Technology, and number five s Hopper, a Cray XE6 system at DOEs
National Energy Research Scientific Computing.

Of the top ten, only five are in the US, the others in China (two)
Japan, France, and Germany (one each). see http://www.top500.org/

To add some context... these machines are not built to break records,
but rather to perform scientific research and engineering. Supercomputing
allows researchers to simulate environments; the more powerful the
computer, the larger and more detailed the simulation. For example, a
(big enough) computer could simulate the working of a human cell at the
atomic level, or help manufacturers speed product development by allowing
engineers to design, change and test products in virtual environments
before producing physical prototypes.

But probably more important rankings are the "BCS Standings", "AP Top 25",
"USA Today Poll", and "ESPN.com's Power Rankings" where Auburn maintains
the number 2 position!


War Eagle,

A. J.

re-dubbed

l' affaire newton

I don't know if that's accurate but I like it. The way I see it this has to break down in one of three ways:

1. Cecil Newton solicited money for his son Cam "Cameron Newton" Newton to play football at Mississippi State University (and, presumably, at Auburn). There's a lot to hint this way, but little tangible proof.

2. Kenny Rogers is a con man, trying to trick deep-pocket alums out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. He seems like a shady guy, and this would explain why the FBI is involved. On the other hand, why would his lawyer let him change his story in order to say something so easily falsifiable?

3. Cecil Newton solicited money for his son Cam Newton to play football at Mississippi State University (and, presumably, at Auburn), and Kenny Rogers is a con man, trying to trick big spending alumni out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I have no idea which one of these is correct. I think Mississippi State holds the key -- if some of their people come out and say that Newton(s) did ask for money, that's it. On the other hand, they too might have their own cheater-related reasons for keeping this quiet, meaning that nothing comes of all this.

Oregon Trail knock-off Friday

1. Organ Trail

2. Thule Trail

That's... the high life.

how fun

clicky thing click pew pew pew stupid black background

oh my