Friday, December 31, 2010

we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this hatepost

CRY LITTLE GIRL
HEY SUCK IT GEORGIA FANS YOU OBNOXIOUS JERKWADS. BURN DOWN AND DON'T REBUILD. YOU WILL PROBABLY WIN THIS GAME BUT THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PLAYING CENTRAL FLORIDA IN A NEW YEAR'S EVE BOWL GAME AND THAT IS A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH ITSELF.

3e bowl pick them 2010: asterisks aplenty


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

little did I realize


that it was tha captain all along!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

3e bowl pick them 2010: murry xmas, brah. sorry bout the snow.

One last little holiday lull before shit gets CRISIS on the 27th. And this CRISIS don't stop til aught 11, playa.


For the record, VEGASBOT still owns our shit at 6 - 1.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas, pagans

Jeremiah 10:2-5
2 Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not. 5 They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good.

BEEPBOOPBEEPBEEPBEEPBOOPBEEPBOOPBOOPBEEPBEEPBEEPLOLOL

Monday, December 20, 2010

Didn't run this idea past the PR department, did we?

Simpson College is a liberal arts school located in Indianola, Iowa. Like many colleges, they have an online services and information portal to look up classes, pay bills, etc. Unlike many colleges, they named it after a white supremacist web forum.

That's right. Simpson students log in to StormFront.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

well there you go

CRISIS games (Tha Captainz Pix listed firzt):

12/21: Louisville v Southern Miss
12/27: Ga Tech v Air Force
12/28: Iowa v Missouri
12/29: Arizona v Okie St
12/30: Tennesse v UNC
12/31: Clemson v USF
12/31: Florida St v South Carolina
01/01: Penn St v Florida
01/01: Michigan v Miss St
01/03: Va Tech v Stanford
01/04: The Ohio St v Arkansas
01/07: TAMU v LSU

Charles Bowl Picks

New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP
What is worse, bowls with silly names (uDrove Humanitarian) or bowls with no names (New Mexico)? I like UTEP but they are losers and their team sucks. Also I like Bronco Mendenhall a lot more than Mike "Dumb Enough to Buy Whores with a University Expense Card" Price.
My pick: MORMONS

uDrove Humanitarian: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State
NIU was upset in the MAC title game and also their coach left. FSU West has a worse record, but they've lost to better teams.
My pick: FRESNO STATE

R+L Carriers New Orleans: Ohio vs. Troy
I learned today that Ohio has never won a bowl game. History means a lot to me.
My pick: TROY

Beef 'O' Brady's St. Petersburg: Louisville vs. Southern Miss
This is a bowl name that's too easy to make fun. For several moments I was confused that this was a game when I first saw it, but then I remembered Louisville is no longer in C-USA (new division names: Losers and Forgettables). I don't really have a good reason to pick either of these teams.
My pick: SOUTHERN MISS

MAACO Las Vegas: Utah vs. Boise State
I think Boise State is roughly as good as TCU, who beat Utah real bad. I think Boise will be disappointed and it won't be a blow-out, but I still expect them to carry even this crappy bowl game.
My pick: BOISE STATE

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia: San Diego State vs. Navy
I watched part of the Army-Navy game and I was not terribly impressed with Navy's defense. San Diego State has moreover looked pretty good this season, losing to four games but all pretty close and all to decent teams.
My pick: SAN DIEGO STATE

Sheraton Hawaii: Tulsa vs. Hawaii
I think Todd Graham is kind of a dick.
My pick: HAWAI'I

Little Caesars: Florida International vs. Toledo
So this is a bowl game in Detroit, for a bunch of kids from south Florida, playing on an FIU team that won six games.
My pick: TOLEDO

AdvoCare V100 Independence: Georgia Tech vs. Air Force
I do like the option. I am assuming that Josh Nesbitt will not be able to play, but if he can he will still probably be rusty.
My pick: AMERICA'S AIR FORCE

Champs Sports: NC State vs. West Virginia
Champs is an interesting bowl consolation for two teams that lost their conference/division championships in the last game of the season. Losers. I was going to go with NCSt but I think the coaching situation in West Virginia will galvanize the Mounties.
My pick: WEST BY GOD VIRGINIA

Insight: Iowa vs. Missouri
I am going with the team with the better offense, defense, coach, and record, so long as it has fewer recent arrests/suspensions. I do think Iowa is a little better than people think, though.
My pick: MISSOURI

Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman: Maryland vs. East Carolina
I was just in Maryland!
My pick: MARYLAND

Texas: Illinois vs. Baylor
Ron Zook is not a great coach. I like that Baylor quarterback. Also, in the Who Wants to Be Here More contest, I think Baylor has an advantage.
My pick: BAYLOR

Valero Alamo: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona
Arizon has faced a couple of OSU-caliber offenses so far this season, and they gave up big points both times. Oklahoma State's two losses came to better teams than Arizona's five, and Arizona had a big losing streak. Also, I like Mike Gundy.
My pick: OKLAHOMA STATE

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces: SMU vs. Army
There's both a Military Bowl and an Armed Services Bowl? I like June Jones and also Army football loses bowl games. Army's logo looks like it should be a unit in a Super Nintendo game.
My pick: PONY EXPRESS

New Era Pinstripe: Kansas State vs. Syracuse
With two teams with equal records, I tend to pick based on who had the tougher schedule, and that's KSU. Also somebody on my trivia team (Suck It Trebek) is a KSU alum.
My pick: KANSAS STATE

Franklin American Mortgage Music City: North Carolina vs. Tennessee
Tennessee has beaten exactly one decent team this year (Kentucky). FSU, Clemson, and East Carolina are all at least that good, and they're all UNC wins. Also I would like to compare a couple of close calls: Tennessee barely beat UAB in overtime; North Carolina barely lose to LSU.
My pick: NORTH CAROLINA

Bridgepoint Education Holiday: Nebraska vs. Washington
Wait, what? Why is this a bowl game, even ignoring the already-played-one-blowout-game factor?
My pick: NEWBRASKA

Meineke Car Care: Clemson vs. USF
Kyle Parker should have taken the money; the Auburn game alone shaved three years off his life expectancy. Also, USF beat Miami, who beat Clemson. That's math.
My pick: SOUTH FLORIDA

Hyundai Sun: Miami vs. Notre Dame
Wake the echoes, right. These teams are bad. Miami just lost a coach, while Notre Dame has a good coach in Brian Kelly. Also Notre Dame looks like they improved at the end of the season, while Miami didn't.
My pick: CATHOLICS

AutoZone Liberty: UCF vs. Georgia
Georgia's having a down year, and UCF has ten wins, but I won't let a C-USA title trick me. UGA's got too much offense.
My pick: GEORGIA

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Florida State vs. South Carolina
I don't think FSU's got the defense to stop South Carolina's talented offense. Also, Ponder isn't playing, is he? The thing that makes me question this pick is that Spurrier hasn't been a great bowl coach.
My pick: SOUTH CAROLINA

TicketCity: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech
Oh, Tubby! You might remember that Northwestern has never won a bowl game, and they'll be without their regular quarterback. On the other hand, TTU has really beaten anybody of note. Still, hard to pick against out hero the catfish cooker. Also, why is something called the TicketCity Bowl playing on New Years' Day?
My pick: TEXAS TECH

Outback: Penn State vs. Florida
Neither of these are particularly good teams, but Florida is not as not good. I doubt this game will be as exciting as last year's rendition. Even though he kind of tricked them last year, I think Florida's players will show up for their coach on his way out. On the other hand, I doubt Paterno recognizes most of his players.
My pick: FLORIDA

Capital One: Michigan State vs. Alabama
Two disappointed teams. Also, did you know Nick Saban used to be the head coach at Michigan State? It's true! Alabama is a better team, even though I hate to admit it.
My pick: Alabama

Gator: Michigan vs. Mississippi State
How fun. Michigan playing Mississippi State, much less as an underdog, in a bowl game is something that would have been hard to imagine a few years ago. I think a good rule is to go with the coach that is rumored to be leaving for a better job, not the one rumored to be leaving for being fired.
My pick: MISSISSISSIPPI STATE

Rose Bowl Game presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU
I might be overly influenced by Bret Bielema stomping some folks, but I have trouble imagining this Wisconsin offense being stopped. I haven't watched a ton of TCU games, but the thing in my mind is the recentish Auburn-Wisconsin Citrus Bowl, wherein the highly regarded Auburn defense just couldn't handle the big, effective Wisconsin offense. That's what I see here.
My pick: WISCONSIN

Tostitos Fiesta: Oklahoma vs. Connecticut
Except for this one, all the BCS bowls should be at least watchable and mostly
good games. Way to dick things up, Fiesta Bowl.
My pick: OKIES FROM MUSKOGEE

Discover Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Stanford
It's difficult for me to get a handle on how good Virginia Tech actually is. They lost those first two and then went victorious in a mediocre ACC. I think Luck is the best single player in the game.
My pick: SAMFORD

Allstate Sugar: Arkansas vs. Ohio State
I am inclined to pick Arkansas solely on OSU's past failures against SEC teams. But also I am an SEC homer, as the talk radio people would say. Legitimate reasons: Arkansas has played a much tougher schedule; I think both Auburn and Alabama would beat OSU.
My pick: ARKANSAS

GoDaddy.com: Miami (Ohio) vs. Middle Tennessee
MTSU beat both Western Kentucky and Florida International by only one point each.
My pick: MIAMI (OH!)

AT&T Cotton: Texas A&M vs. LSU
I still refuse to believe that TAMU is a good team, but LSU is only half of a good team. Both teams lost close games to Arkansas. LSU's close game with Auburn is more impressive than beating Nebraska or Oklahoma, in my opinion. I am taking the Tigers in a close one. Again, let me point out that Mike Sherman is not a good coach.
My pick: LSU

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky
I am going to miss the nightmare pizza mascots. I would have picked Kentucky, but with the Stach leaving, I think Pitt shows up to get rowdy (?) and beat Kentucky, who is without their regular quarterback.
My pick: PITT

Kraft Fight Hunger: Boston College vs. Nevada
Nothing fights hunger like an unnecessary bowl game in California. At least Nevada has beaten a good team.
My pick: NEVADA

Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Auburn vs. Oregon
Auburn has played the tougher schedule and has more experience with close games so far. Also, are you willing to bet against Cam Newton? I wouldn't. If Oregon wins, though, it won't be a surprise, because these Ducks are pretty good. I think Chip Kelly is a genius.
My pick: AUBURN

Tha Captainz Pix

So Xcited.

Lines are current Sportsbook.com lines as of this afternoon.

New Mexico Bowl
UTEP v BYU(-11.5)
I wonder how many years Mike Price thought he was going to be at UTEP before getting a better job. I wonder if it was more than two.
Tha Captainz Choice: bYu

Humanitarian Bowl
Fresno St. v Northern Illinois(-1)
This line has gone back and forth. Jerry KILL is leaving and Pat HILL is never going anywhere.
Tha Captainz Choice: Fresno

New Orleans Bowl
Ohio v Troy(-2.5)
Temple should probably be in a bowl game ahead of Ohio, but I love that little bobcat logo so I’m going to choke down my complaints. Ohio is probably the more excited team, but Troy has to be so much better that it won‘t matter.
Tha Captainz Choice: Troy

Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Southern Miss v Louisville(-3)
Good Grief O’Grady’s.
Tha Captainz Choice: Louisville

Las Vegas Bowl
Boise St.(-17) v Utah
I might have been tempted to pick Utah if they hadn’t gotten bitchskulled by Notre Dame and if Boise hadn’t bounced back as well as they did. Never go against Boise in a bowl game is what I always say from now on.
Tha Captainz Choice: Boise

Poinsettia Bowl
Navy v San Diego St.(-4.5)
Brady Hoke should be 1) coach at a more prominent football school 2) on the Sopranos.
Tha Captainz Choice: SDSU

Hawaii Bowl
Hawaii(-10) v Tulsa
Actually, I assumed Tulsa had dropped their football program after Gustav left. Name a Tulsa player. Any Tulsa player from any time period. I had to think for a minute, but I remembered Paul Smith as a former Tulsa player. You don’t forget a name like that.
Tha Captainz Choice: Hawaii

Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl
Florida International v Toledo(-1.5)
Congratulations, Baby Jesus. You’ll always remember your first bowl game. Whenever I think about FIU, I always think of the episode of the Simpsons where a new area code leads to Olde and New Springfields. Olde Springfield finds gold in a riverbed, gets even richer, Kent Brockman gets blinged out and says on the news, “from now on, we’ll all be taking GOLDEN showers.” Somebody offstage giggles and Kent doesn’t get it. The Florida International GOLDEN Panthers. FIU is the only team in a bowl game for whom I can’t name a single player, current or former.
Tha Captainz Choice: Toledo

Independence Bowl
Georgia Tech v Air Force(-3)
Total game time: 2:23. Total passes thrown: 17. These are both hilariously possible.
Tha Captainz Choice: Georgia Tech

Champs Sports Bowl
West Virginia(-3) v NC State
This one was close. Tom O’Brien knows bowl games. Bill Stewart knows whittlin. Go with the guy with the knife.
Tha Captainz Choice: WVU

Insight Bowl
Missouri(-1) v Iowa
Corn meth derp.
Tha Captainz Choice: Iowa

Military Bowl
Maryland(-7) v East Carolina
Muffin McNeil is a pretty big dude. Imagine if Fridge hadn’t lost the weight that he has.
Tha Captainz Choice: Derps

Texas Bowl
Baylor(-1) v Illinois
I don’t know. Baylor will be all BRILED up? Illinois will probably win.
Tha Captainz Choice: Baylor

Alamo Bowl
Arizona v Oklahoma St.(-5.5)
Arizona can’t possibly be as bad as they were in the Holiday Bowl last year. I thought for a while about T. Boone PICKENs Okie St.
Tha Captainz Choice: Arizona

Armed Forces Bowl
SMU(-8) v Army
Pony Exce$, baby.
Tha Captainz Choice: SMU

Pinstripe Bowl
Kansas St. v Syracuse(PK)
Other than the TBCSNCG, this was the last holdout. I’ve seen bookies with each of them as the favorite. When in doubt, go with the team that isn’t Syracuse.
Tha Captainz Choice: Kansas St.

Music City Bowl
Tennessee v North Carolina(-2)
NC has suspended players. UT has badass back-tats. My head says UNC. Heads lie.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tennessee

Holiday Bowl
Washington v Nebraska(-14)
UDub wins! ß SARKasm!
Tha Captainz Choice: Nebraska

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Clemson(-5) v USF
I have very little to say about this.
Tha Captainz Choice: Clemson

Sun Bowl
Notre Dame v Miami(FL)(-3)
Big, flashy names. Dull, mediocre football.
Tha Captainz Choice: Notre Dame

Liberty Bowl
UCF v Georgia(-6.5)
Probably more points than the UCF/MissSt Liberty Bowl from a few years ago. Georgia probably wins the East next year.
Tha Captainz Choice: Georgia

Peach Bowl
Florida St. v South Carolina(-3)
No better way to give a big ‘fuck you’ to aught 10.
Tha Captainz Choice: Florida St.

Ticket City Bowl
Texas Tech(-9.5) v Northwestern
If NW couldn’t win that Outback Bowl last year, they will never win a bowl game ever.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tech

Outback Bowl
Penn St. v Florida(-7.5)
Head says Florida. However, mouth has been telling Sean all year that the Big 10 wins 2 of the 3 guaranteed Jan. 1 matchups with the SEC this year.
Tha Captainz Choice: Penn St.

Citrus Bowl
Alabama(-9.5) v Michigan St.
If we were doing one of those confidence points things, this would be my 35 pointer.
Tha Captainz Choice: Bammer

Gator Bowl
Michigan v Mississippi St.(-4.5)
Head says State. See Outback Bowl.
Tha Captainz Choice: Michigan

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin v TCU(-2)
Soooo many decision changes on this one. My head says the last time a team was scoring at this clip it was 08 Oklahoma and the pre-bowl layoff and solid ‘fence of Florida stopped it pretty well. Ostensibly, TCU’s ‘fence is pretty good too. My heart says I hate Wisconsin and they’ll probably win.
Tha Captainz Choice: Wisconsin

Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma(-17) v Connecticut
Mmmhmm.
Tha Captainz Choice: Oklahoma

Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech v Stanford(-3.5)
Harbaughball is hard to say.
Tha Captainz Choice: VaTech

Sugar Bowl
The Ohio St.(-3.5) v Arkansas
Petrinoball is easy to say but it conjures up some bad shit, man.
Tha Captainz Choice: Tosu

GoDaddy.com Bowl
MTSU v Miami(OH)(-1)
Did you know that in Microsoft Works, pressing ctrl d inserts the current date? Check it: 12/16/10. I just learned that! I don’t know why I’m picking the team with the coach leaving for a better job while I’m picking against teams with retiring/forcedtoleave coaches whom the players probably will go all out for. But there’s one thing I NEVER do and that’s change a pick.
Tha Captainz Choice: Miami

Cotton Bowl
Texas A&M v LSU(-1.5)
OMG, IDK. TAMU isn’t even that good. With any kind of QB, LSU would be in the TBCSNCG. LOL.
Tha Captainz Choice: TAMU

BBVA Compass Bowl
Kentucky v Pitt(-3.5)
Eeeek. If Wannscock weren’t leaving, I would pick Pitt. Maybe I should anyway. He’s not leaving for a better job. What’s wrong with me? Alright, fuck it, I’m changing it.
Tha Captainz Choice: Pitt

Kraft Fights Hunger Bowl
BC v Nevada(-9.5)
Take THAT, hunger.
Tha Captainz Choice: Nevada

National Championship
Auburn(!)(-3) v Oregon
I don’t know what to say. War Eagle.
Tha Captainz Choice: Auburn

3E protected friendships

By popular demand:

Scrott - Filly: Blondes stick together.
Tred - Charlie: Internet games. Dog owners.
West - Juicebot: Ghanaian car selling scam investment partners.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Uncomfortable plot summaries

Not an entirely accurate name, but these are fun. Also once you start making them, it's irresistible. My favorites:

HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

Some I wrote:

Inception: Troubled widower sleeps better with professional help.
Forrest Gump: Mentally disabled Vietnam vet watches his wife die.
The Green Mile: Prison guards fail to subvert the law; condemned prisoner executed.
Arrested Development: Failing family business exacerbates personality disorders, substance abuse.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Contemporary Christology not bloodthirsty enough for some.

Monday, December 13, 2010

3E Announces New Divisional Format

BIRMINGHAM, Al - In an emergency drinking session, Tri-Epsilon, America's foremost micro-fraternity, unanimously voted to divide its members into two divisions. The distribution has been meticulously designed to maintain traditional friendships. One division consists of former DMX members while the other is composed of the core Starcraft bloc. Each member has one "designated friend" from the opposite division with whom they will maintain a yearly friendship.

Division A: Scrott, Tred, West

Division B: Juicebot, Charlie, Filly

3E plans to announce division names at a later date.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Friday, December 03, 2010

Friday game

Taberinos is fun.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

this just in



know your meme!

if you were trying to make fun of him...

you couldn't do a better job that he does.



The part of me that still believes there's something good in the world wants this to be a joke.