Sunday, December 31, 2017

Special "The Wolves are at the Door" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them Scoreboard

Look wise guy, I know it isn't Tool Man but it came up when I searched for "Home Improvement" and I like it.

Pretty exciting stuff we have here. Real edge of your seat action.

Of the remaining 32 possible outcomes:
  • 16 where Auburn wins and you win both portions of the pick them. This is so boring I don't want to waste another precious second thinking about it.
  • 16 where the the Peach goes to the scrappy underdog from the largest university in the country which is located in the middle of the country's richest recruiting ground. I would win the W/L portion for the second straight year. Something I never thought would happen again. I will cry and my wife and dogs will be confused.
    • 10 outcomes where you still win the confidence portion, creating a split title and throwing our entire relationship into chaos.
    • 6 outcomes where I win the confidence portion. The winners in these scenarios are as follows:
      • Michigan, UCF, Notre Dame, Georgia, Alabama
      • Michigan, UCF, Notre Dame, Georgia, Clemson
      • Michigan, UCF, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Alabama
      • Michigan, UCF, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Clemson
      • Michigan, UCF, LSU, Georgia, Alabama
      • Michigan, UCF, LSU, Oklahoma, Alabama
Astute readers will have noticed a pattern! Did you notice it? Are you astute? I know you are but I'm going to lay it out for you anyway.

I need Michigan and UCF to win. If Notre Dame also wins, it doesn't matter what happens in the playoff games. If LSU wins, I need Alabama to win and it doesn't matter what happens in UGA/OK. So:

1. Michigan, UCF, Notre Dame
2. Michigan, UCF, LSU, Alabama

Other than UCF, those don't seem particularly far-fetched, do they? See you tomorrow!

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Special "Route of Boll Weevil" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

Yowza, this is one hot tamale.

I hope Auburn in a BCS (or whatever) game deciding the pick them (at least the W/L portion) will continue to be an annual event (thus becoming a yearly tradition).

There are several ways for you to wrap up the points portion before we even get to the Peach Bowl. I'm sure you're aware I'll keep you updated in a more private way.

Like I mentioned, the 512 possible outcomes (obviously not all equally likely) of the last 9 games break down as follows:

  • 256 outcomes where Awbarn wins the Peach Bowl. In this case you win both portions.
  • 256 outcomes where Now UCF Now UDon't wins. In this case, I win the W/L portion. The points result further breaks down thusly:
    • 142 outcomes where you maintain the points win, created the dreaded split title.
    • 106 outcomes where I win the points portion as well. This is know as you got owned, bitch
    • 8 outcomes where the points end up tied. I imagine this would be something like the "Helvetica Scenario" from that Look Around You Calcium video. I'm not linking to it I don't know how.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Special "Hot Al" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

Well, the W/L portion is pretty clear cut. You can wrap that up today if Utah St. wins.

TCU's rally makes the points pretty well shaded towards you. However, you can't quite clinch that portion today. Which is good because I know I will actually have a use for my catalog of all 512 ways the last two days can go.

Obviously, the Peach Bowl is very important (especially if NMSU wins today and the W/L portion hinges on it). However, there are ways for either of us to win the points without winning the Peach. They're pretty narrow paths but they're there right now. Those paths could disappear today, we'll just have to wait and see. And I like waiting... but I LOVE seeing.

Well anyway, chat at you later.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Special "The Blazing Guns of Navarone" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them Score Board

Howdy Pardners! Ha ha trying out a cowboy thing. Done now.

Hey Tool Man you bitch how does it feel to have your face covered up bitch

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Special "I'm wearing a new shirt today" Edition 3E Bowl Pick Them 2017 Score Board

MMMM. Very close so far. But it could get out of hand over the next couple of days. Stay tuned!

Friday, December 22, 2017

Special "always keep a thesaurus handy" Edition BOWL PICK THEM 2017 Scoreboard

Going into the holiday weekend, today's scoreboard features Tool Man's three dreadful sons: Mark, the craven friend of Dorothy; Randy, the wretched losenger; and Brad, the cittern-head fopdoodle.

My laptop doesn't have Jokerman font like my workputer does. Luckily, I outlined the 'board today before I came home.

You should know what all these numbers mean. I can't help you if you don't.

I'm just kidding; I'm here to help.

Record (CRISIS Record)
Points/Wagered Points, Percentage of wagered points won
Maintain current %, 50% of remaining points, 66% of remaining points, 100% of remaining points
Largest possible points victory, margin


Monday, December 18, 2017

Bowl Pick Them Scoreboard Special "Here's the first scoreboard" Edition

I am going to keep using the Jokerman font regardless of how illegible it might become. I (much like Tool Man himself) know the meaning of commitment.

Pretty close, eh?!!?!

The last line of numbers is your final confidence score if you:
maintain your current %, get 50% of remaining points, get 75% of remaining points, get all remaining points

I might add this to the 'board in the future:

Largest possible confidence point victory:
C: 545-315, 230 point margin
tha C: 503-277, 226 point margin

Thursday, December 14, 2017

*to the tune of the spiderman song* CRISIS games / CRISIS games

Charles Pick (confidence) / Wes Pick (confidence) ; total confidence point swing at stake

Saturday, December 16:
Cure Bowl: Georgia St. (1) / Western Kentucky (21) ; 22
Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon (7) / Boise St. (12) ; 19

Friday, December 22:
Potato Bowl: Wyoming (17) / Central Michigan (2) ; 19

Tuesday, December 26:
Heart of Dallas Bowl: West Virginia (10) / Utah (25) ; 35

Wednesday, December 27:
Foster Farms Bowl: Purdue (12) / Arizona (13) ; 25
Texas Bowl: Missouri (18) / Texas (11) ; 29

Thursday, December 28:
Military Bowl: Navy (4) / Virginia (6) ; 10
Camping World Bowl: Oklahoma St. (36) / Virginia Tech (16) ; 52
Holiday Bowl: Washington St. (16) / Michigan St. (18) ; 34

Friday, December 29:
Arizona Bowl: Utah St. (5) / New Mexico St. (9) ; 14

Monday, January 1:
Peach Bowl: Auburn (27) / UCF (5) ; 32

Also too, here are the most critical non-CRISIS games. That is, those games where one of us stands to gain significantly more confidence points than the other. I've listed our shared pick as well as who stands to gain more points (and how many).

Independence Bowl: Florida St. ; Wes +23
Bahamas Bowl: Ohio ; Wes +20
Hawaii Bowl: Fresno St. ; Charles +15
Pinstripe Bowl: Iowa ; Charles +15
Alamo Bowl: TCU ; Charles +15
Birmingham Bowl: USF ; Charles +14

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

C .... C picks .... C picks some .... C picks some .... C picks some bowls .... C picks some bowls .... C picks some bowls und ich hab nichts gesagt

The theme of this year's Bowl Pick Them is that there are 39 contests between collegiate football teams.

New Orleans Bowl:
Troy v North Texas
My pick: TROY 30

The state of Alabama has a University of North Alabama, a University of South Alabama, and a University of West Alabama, but no University of East Alabama. Good luck men of Troy

Cure Bowl:
Western Kentucky v Georgia St.

Your guess, she is as good as mine.

Las Vegas Bowl:
Boise St. v Oregon
My pick: OREGON 7

The first day of bowl season is a real knock-out. I don't mean to be blount, but it packs a punch.

New Mexico Bowl:
Marshall v Colorado St.

(like at a basketball game or something where we're cheering stuff wes likes): brad. lee. van. pelt. clap clap clap clap clap

Camellia Bowl:
Middle Tennessee v Arkansas St.
My pick: ARKANSAS ST 31

No state is better prepared to have a Middle StateName University than is the great state of Tennessee. Apparently everyone in Arkansas except Arkansas State changed coaches this year.

Boca Raton Bowl:
Akron v FAU
My pick: FAU 39

I don't know or care anything about these teams or the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl, but the bookies say this is the surest thing.

Frisco Bowl:
Louisiana Tech v SMU
My pick: SMU 11

I though I liked La Tech to win since Morris is leaving SMU. But I decided I like SMU to win because they want to impress their new coach. This is not terribly coherent.

Gasparilla Bowl:
Temple v FIU
My pick: FIU 3

Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl. Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Bahamas Bowl:
Ohio v UAB
My pick: OHIO 6

I was going to assert that Alabama is the most over-represented state by population in bowl season, but there's nobody in Wyoming so I am pretty sure they would win. Anyway, way to go UAB. Bahamas!

Potato Bowl:
Central Michigan v Wyoming
My pick: WYOMING  17

It's fun to say POE TAY TOE like a moron.

Birmingham Bowl:
Texas Tech v USF

South Florida had to cancel one game and postpone another! What are the odds, you ask? Pretty good, apparently.

Armed Forces Bowl:
San Diego St. v Army

I copied the list of all the games into Microsoft Word and moved them around until it looked roughly like the order of confidence I have. I cannot guess how this game ended up here.

Dollar General Bowl:
Appalachian St. v Toledo
My pick: TOLEDO 24

The App Store should sponsor a bowl that App State plays at every year. The actual sponsor is everything culturally the opposite of the Apple company.

Hawaii Bowl:
Fresno St. v Houston
My pick: FRESNO STATE 19

When I was in college, I would have been enormously excited about this game.

Heart of Dallas Bowl:
Utah v West Virginia

(pretend I'm a guy waking up from a coma): Utah is the Pac-10, and it's the Pac-12? West Virginia is in the Big Twelve, but it's got ten members? And they're playing a bowl game in Dallas? Where's my wife and family?

Quick Lane Bowl:
Duke v Northern Illinois
My pick: NO, ILLINOIS 26

When people complain about conference realignment ruining the sport, this is the game they mean. It took a tremendous amount of argument and more than one trip to court, but once they finally got everything in place, I had hoped the NOILL Network would ensure that the Huskies stayed in the GLTA Conference like they belonged, where they regularly represented the Northwest Division in the GLTACon Championship Game. Sure, the GLTA was sometimes "Duke, Northern Illinois, and the eleven dwarfs," but even traditionally weaker powers like Indiana University, Purdue University, and Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis would make bowl games every few years. Unfortunately for the fans, Northern Illinois's administration was always more worried about money, and they couldn't resist the Big 16's invitation as a football-only member. Former conference foe Duke had a difficult time of things as a result before TV money and the Big East came calling, but in the last few year they've really expanded their facilities--not just in football but in other nationally-recognized programs like equestrian and lacrosse. Many thought the bad feelings would evaporate once both programs, who played in six straight and nine out of twelve GLTACon title games in addition to their annual cross-division rivalry game (The Battle for the Bloody Bonnet), found homes in new conferences. Unfortunately, that wasn't to be. As it turns out, this year's historic Quick Lane Bowl will be the first game between these two giants since the famous "Snow-and-Slip" match up of 1983. Famously, current Northern Illinois coach Bobby Bowden was arrested at that game for propositioning a male prostitute while working at a concession stand; the only proposition he's making now is that his powerful triple option attack can pull out one more game before he moves on to the NFL to coach the San Jose Sharks.

Cactus Bowl:
Kansas St. v UCLA
My pick: KANSAS STATE 22

pretty quotidian matchup imo

Independence Bowl:
Southern Mist v Florida St.

There's no reason for Florida State not to win this game, right? They're much more talented, have an exciting new coach, etc etc. But games where coaches leave, especially as ridiculously as this, always make me nervous.

Pinstripe Bowl:
Iowa v Boston College
My pick: IOWA 29

I'm not extremely sold on Iowa football (I don't think I watched an Iowa game this year), but whenever I hear the name of a Boston College coach, I think, "Oh yeah, that loser. He's still coaching?"

Foster Farms Bowl:
Arizona v Purdue
My pick: PURDON'T 12

I watched virtually no B1G football and very little P12C football this year.

Texas Bowl:
Texas v Missouri
My pick: MIZZOU 18

Texas is bad at pass defense. Missouri is good at pass offense.

Military Bowl:
Virginia v Navy
My pick: NAVY 4

I'd like for Auburn to run a true option offense, but I don't think it's a realistic option for power recruiting teams. Anyway, I heard Ken N. has a really good record in bowl games.

Camping World Bowl:
Virginia Tech v Oklahoma St.

Gunds up!

Alamo Bowl:
Stanford v TCU
My pick: TCU 32

This is a game between very good coaches who probably should be at stronger football programs.

Holiday Bowl:
Washington St. v Michigan St.

Now we determine which is the real apple state.

Belk Bowl:
Wake Forest v TAMU
My pick: WAKE FOREST 20

My thinking on this one is that it sounds like Texas A&M is emotionally shattered from their coach getting fired. Also: Clawfense!

Sun Bowl:
NC St. v Arizona St.
My pick: NC STATE 33

Arizona State's coaching situation turned out pretty funny.

Music City Bowl:
Kentucky v Northwestern

Kentucky sucks! They finished bad because they're bad. Northwestern is a football team.

Arizona Bowl:
Utah St. v New Mexico St.
My pick: UTAH STATE 5

I don't know how to pick this game, which really should have a lower confidence ranking.

Cotton Bowl:
USC v Ohio St.
My pick: THE OHIO STATE 28


TaxSlayer Bowl:
Louisville v Mississippi St.
My pick: LOUISVILLE 38

Remember Lamar! buttons? For Lamar Alexander? I do. Anyway, I'd like Mississippi State's chances if this game was in October, but it's coach-leaving season for Starkville.

Liberty Bowl:
Iowa St. v Memphis
My pick: MEMPHIS 13

Memphis seems like a better football team, but their in-demand coach may inspire Iowa State.

Fiesta Bowl:
Washington v Penn St.
My pick: PENN STATE 15

It looks like the line has moved Penn State's way but this seems like a tough choice to me. Joe Paterno joke.

Orange Bowl:
Wisconsin v Miami (FL)
My pick: WISCONSIN 35

I very much do not like Wisconsin. I've gotten to where I like Miami.

Outback Bowl:
Michigan v South Carolina
My pick: MICHIGAN 23

Michigan is way better than South Carolina. But it's a bowl game, where unusual things happen, and the score will probably be like 11-8, so one odd play could change the outcome of the game.

Peach Bowl:
UCF v Auburn
My pick: AUBRUN 27

I'm actually way more confident than this in an on-the-field sense, but it seems unlikely that things actually go well for Auburn.

Citrus Bowl:
Notre Dame v LSU
My pick: Notre Dame 2

Notre Dame has a better team and coaches, but LSU has more talent and finished the season on an upswing. This is the toughest pick of the games I feel like I know anything about.

Rose Bowl:
Georgia v Oklahoma
My pick: GEORGIA 9

Dan Wolken on Twitter said that Georgia is the best job in college football, which is manifestly untrue. This is about as bad a line up for the play off that we could possibly have. As to the game, Georgia is the better team, but great quarterbacks win big games.

Sugar Bowl:
Alabama v Clemson
My pick: alabama 8

I am really unsure that Alabama will beat Clemson. Saban is a much better coach, and Alabama will be playing for revenge, but they're not as good as they usually are, and they're still pretty beat up. Still, evil usually wins in this fallen world.

BINFORD TOOLS IS PROUD TO PRESENT... THA CAPTAINZ PICKS!!!! *crowd goes nuts with a mixture of hoots, hollars, and man-grunts!!!*

In honor of Tool Man, I made a bunch of bone-headed decisions. They are listed below.

The winner is listed first. That little number in parentheses? Well guess what that's the confidence.

(31) Troy / North Texas
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Orleans?

(21) Western Kentucky / Georgia St.
They should advertise this as "The Cure for the Common Bowl." They won't though, they'll probably try to raise money for breast cancer instead.

(12) Boise St. / Oregon
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a LAS Vegas?

(30) Colorado St. / Marshall
Whoa, slow down there maestro. Why isn't there a WHITE New Mexico Bowl?

(24) Arkansas St. / Middle Tennessee
I would have sworn to the divines that these teams were still in the same conference.

(39) FAU / Akron
Akrons grow into oac trees. (aoc trees? wasn't sure how exactly to draw the analogy. share your thoughts in the comments! NOT, I don't care)

(1) SMU / Louisiana Tech
Frisco, TX was founded along a line of the St. Louis-San Francisco Railway (known as "The Frisco"), thus the name. I looked it up on wikipedia. Also, according to the wik, "Another name [for the city], usually referred to only by the children of the land, is 'F-TOWN'." What's really messed up is that the St. Louis-San Francisco Railway never gets anywhere near San Francisco, California. Can you believe that

(3) FIU / Temple
I need a Bad Boy Mower so my neighbors will finally respect me.

(26) Ohio / UAB
It's amazing that UAB won 8 games, right? I'm amazed and I am not easily impressed!

(2) Central Michigan / Wyoming
Fitting because Wyoming dresses like potatoes (brown). Why didn't the bowl pick Western Michigan (also dress like potatoes (brown)) instead of CMU (dresses like red potatoes maybe? (maroon))? fools

(20) USF / Texas Tech
Remember when we went to these

(33) San Diego St. / Army
San Diego isn't even a state. this is stupid

(34) Toledo / Appalachian St.
I will never forget that guy's wooden sign. And I will never forgive him for it.

(4) Fresno St. / Houston
Look out! It's the Hawaii Bowl!

(25) Utah / West Virginia
I think this is the only game where i switched my pick after my initial snap judgment. Yet, somehow there is a 25 in front of it. I am clearly not trying.

(22) Northern Illinois / Duke
Cindy Crawford went to Northern Illinois. You know who went to Duke? HER BOSS!! (a man).

(19) Kansas St. / UCLA
Fun Fact: A cactus is not actually a plant.

(37) Florida St. / Southern Mist

(14) Iowa / Boston College
Imagine this clash of accents!!! "ooh, we're playin in a bowl game don't ya know!" (Iowa) vs "ooh, we're playin in a bowl game don't ya know pahk my cah in hahvahd yahd" (BC)

(13) Arizona / Purdue
Farms? FarmS? Plural?! Ey Foster! Quit hoggin all da farms over heaya! aaah ahm just yankin yuh chain Foster yuhr alright.

(11) Texas / Missouri
Missouri must feel very left out. Imagine if they had just been like "welcome to lauren's wedding." Or "welcome to bsc graduation for all seniors except charles."

(6) Virginia / Navy
Freedom ain't free, y'all.

(16) Virginia Tech / Oklahoma St.
Camping ain't free, y'all.

(17) TCU / Samford
I can't get over how utterly devilish it is to call them "Samford."

(18) Michigan St. / Washington St.
Bowl Game Trivia: this is the first time two teams with "State" in their names have played against one another in a bowl game. The record for bowl games is 7.

(8) Wake Forest / TAMU
Can you imagine bowls named after other 3Es? The Eric Filla-Bowl! That sounds druggy! The John Bowl.. that's a toilet!!! I could go on and on

(29) NC St. / Arizona St.
you miiiiight as well be bowlin on the sun

(38) Northwestern / Kentucky
Kentucky sucks!! Gaaah!

(9) New Mexico St. / Utah St.
Once again, probably would have said these guys were in the same conference.

(28) Ohio St. / USC
This is a real Bad Boy Mower of a matchup.

(36) Louisville / Mist St.
Get this: TaxSlayer, TaxMetallica, TaxAnthrax, and TaxMegadeth!!! The "Big 4" of Bay Area Thrash Tax Services.

(23) Memphis / Iowa St.
li-"bear"-ty the beanie baby. I said that last year but it's the only thing I can think of when i see the word liberty.

(27) Penn St. / Washington
Writing 39 things is almost as hard as writing 40 things last year! Aaccck!!

(32) Wisconsin / Miami (FL)
I ask my wife to close her eyes christmas morning as i stand behind her, placing something around her neck. open your eyes, it's a turnover chain. merry christmas, jessie.

(35) Michigan / South Carolina
Our dryer sheets are "blooming lavender" scented so every time i do laundry i say "bloomin' lavender" like the outback voiceover guy. it's great. the little things, you know?

(5) UCF / Auburn
pronouncing peach like "peedge" to trigger the libs

(7) Notre Dame / LSU
Remember Mitch Hedberg, remember the thing where it's something about citrus? the bouyancy of citrus? I'm looking it up. Yeah that was it. The joke was that limes float so if he was on a sinking ship he would grab a lime and be saved by the bouyancy of citrus. classic.

(10) Georgia / Oklahoma
I was surprised that Georgia and Oklahoma have never played before.

(15) Alabama / Clemson
I was surprised that Alabama and Clemson have never played before.

Monday, December 04, 2017

The Definitive History of the Bowl Pick Them

CRISIS wins in parentheses.

2005 - 2007: I can't prove that it happened.

2008: Second best win pct (.684) in non-CRISIS games.
Charles: 22-12 (9)
Captain: 19-15 (6)

2009: Fewest CRISIS games. Our worst combined performance. Worst victorious win pct. I just picked favorites. That did not pay off.
Charles: 18-16 (3)
Captain: 17-17 (2)

2010: The only time someone hasn't hit .500.
Charles: 21-14 (8)
Captain: 17-18 (4)

2011: Not particularly remarkable, I guess. This roughly approximates the 9 years overall.
Charles: 22-13 (8)
Captain: 19-16 (5)

2012: The Gold Standard of Pick Them performances (by you anyway). Also the best combined performance but that's just because you did so well. Our best performance (.778) in non-CRISIS games.
Charles: 26-9 (12)
Captain: 19-16 (5)

2013: My best performance (my only time over .600, which you have topped 5 times). Your worst performance. The perfect storm.
Charles: 18-17 (4)
Captain: 22-13 (8)

2014: Most CRISIS games.
Charles: 23-15 (11)
Captain: 20-18 (8)

2015: Highest win pct in CRISIS games.
Charles: 26-14 (9)
Captain: 20-20 (3)

2016: Best performance in a losing effort.
Charles: 23-17 (6)
Captain: 24-16 (7)

Charles: 199-127 (70), .610
Captain: 177-149 (48), .543



Ok we all know the rules. Please submit your picks along with confidence ranking sometime before the games start. I shouldn't have to say this.
1 (least confident, like Al or maybe the shameful weakling child Mark) - 39 (most confident, as is the style of the Tool Man or his other, better sons)
New Orleans Bowl:
Troy v North Texas
Cure Bowl:
Western Kentucky v Georgia St.
Las Vegas Bowl:
Boise St. v Oregon
New Mexico Bowl:
Marshall v Colorado St.
Camellia Bowl:
Middle Tennessee v Arkansas St.
Boca Raton Bowl:
Akron v FAU
Frisco Bowl:
Louisiana Tech v SMU
Gasparilla Bowl:
Temple v FIU
Bahamas Bowl:
Ohio v UAB
Potato Bowl:
Central Michigan v Wyoming
Birmingham Bowl:
Texas Tech v USF
Armed Forces Bowl:
San Diego St. v Army
Dollar General Bowl:
Appalachian St. v Toledo
Hawaii Bowl:
Fresno St. v Houston
Heart of Dallas Bowl:
Utah v West Virginia
Quick Lane Bowl:
Duke v Northern Illinois
Cactus Bowl:
Kansas St. v UCLA
Independence Bowl:
Southern Mist v Florida St.
Pinstripe Bowl:
Iowa v Boston College
Foster Farms Bowl:
Arizona v Purdue
Texas Bowl:
Texas v Missouri
Military Bowl:
Virginia v Navy
Camping World Bowl:
Virginia Tech v Oklahoma St.
Alamo Bowl:
Stanford v TCU
Holiday Bowl:
Washington St. v Michigan St.
Belk Bowl:
Wake Forest v TAMU
Sun Bowl:
NC St. v Arizona St.
Music City Bowl:
Kentucky v Northwestern
Arizona Bowl:
Utah St. v New Mexico St.
Cotton Bowl:
USC v Ohio St.
TaxSlayer Bowl:
Louisville v Mississippi St.
Liberty Bowl:
Iowa St. v Memphis
Fiesta Bowl:
Washington v Penn St.
Orange Bowl:
Wisconsin v Miami (FL)
Outback Bowl:
Michigan v South Carolina
Peach Bowl:
UCF v Auburn
Citrus Bowl:
Notre Dame v LSU
Rose Bowl:
Georgia v Oklahoma
Sugar Bowl:
Alabama v Clemson
Commence to pickin.

Monday, November 27, 2017


It's over!

The Happy Guy: 4-5 (49-46-3)
The Sad Boy: 3-6 (45-50-3)

Remarkably similar results to last year:

C: 50-45-2
Tha C: 44-51-2

It really makes you think.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017


You know what I see this week? A whole bunch of trash can games I wouldn't bet if this weren't a pick them situation, where lives are on the line and it's for all the marbles, marbles like Respect and Decency.


Old Mist (+16.5) Them dogs let me down last time. Mississippi State will definitely win 38-28 or something stupid like that.

Missouri (-10.5) Them hogs also let me down last time in the sense of not losing how I thought they should, but Bill Connelly had a thing about how the numbers aren't keeping up with Missourah, and I found it convincing.

Georgia (-11) For some reason I thought Georgia Tech was like 8-3, but they're having a real garbage season too. Should Auburn lose, I hope Tech wins, then Georgia beats Alabama, and the SEC gets left out of the playoff.

Florida State (-5.5) Florida State has a lot more to play for in this game, I .... guess? Wouldn't bet this game.

Kentucky (+10) Louisville was a crazy big favorite last year and then lost. Louisville will piddle around for 55 minutes and then win by 8.

Alabama (-4.5) it's like, c'mon man

Tennessee (-1) What a nightmare this one is.

South Carolina (+14) Of the games that don't involve dumpster teams that nobody should bet, this is the hardest pick. Clemson is a lot better with more to play for, but Muschamp is doing a really good job this year and was super mad because they got pasted last season. I like Clemson to win in a 21-14-type game.

LSU (-10.5) nah

this is the end

well its been fun

Old Mist +16.5  Seems like I pick against Mississippi State every week. Looking at it, I've picked them 3 times. I've also picked Vandy and LSU only three times each. The fewest? Oh you guessed it; I have picked against Auburn every single time because I'm a bad fan.

Missouri -10.5  Don't mess with a streak.

Georgia Tech +11   Dogs win obviously.

Florida +5.5  This will be wrong. Florida is 0-4 ATS as an underdog this year.

Louisville -10  Seems right.

Alabama -4.5  Toot toot! Here comes the Tide!

Tennessee -1  Who would actually bet on this? Degenerates and fools.

South Carolina +14  Clemson usually lets teams hang around somewhat and South Carolina isn't altogether terrible. Right?

LSU -10.5 You are right about Texas A&M, I would not bet on this game even if I were rich as hell.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Its week 13 baby

Well, I gave myself a shot. Breathtaking. Awe inspiring. UConn women.

Charles: 4-3 (45-41-3)
Captain: 7-0 (42-44-3)

Now, get a loada these:

Old Mist @ Mississippi State (-16.5)

Missouri (-10.5) @ Arkansas

Georgia (-11) @ Georgia Tech

Florida State (-5.5) @ Florida

Louisville (-10) @ Kentucky

Alabama (-4.5) @ Auburn

Vanderbilt @ Tennessee (-1)

Clemson (-14) @ South Carolina

TAMU @ LSU (-10.5)

Thursday, November 16, 2017

my name is tha captain and i'm here to say: my week twelve picks are on display (below)

I've got a lot of ground to make up over the next two weeks. Luckily, I'm great at making things up.

Like for example I just imagined a guy saying "fork knife" instead of "fortnight." I made that up. Nobody has ever actually made that gaffe before.

UL-Monroe +37  Lotta points there.

Arkansas +11.5  I have never been wrong about Arkansas.

Georgia -21.5  Grrrrr! We're still angry about soldier boy!!

Florida -10.5   Or Florida will lose. I don't know.

Texas A&M +3   Texas A&M has a "12th man." Hard to argue with that, even on the road.

LSU -15.5  Seems like Tennessee will be a bunch of very sad boys.

Missouri -8.5  This was the most obvious pick to me. Therefore, Vando will win in a romp.

big c in the house, in the house tonight, gonna make these picks, gonna make em right

UL-Monroe (+37) Auburn is good, and Auburn is fine, but can't imagine that Auburn beats THIS line, This game won't matter and this line is a troll, cause Auburn rests some starters for the Iron Bowl

Mississississippi State (-11.5) This game is it--just what I feared, a game where the line looks really weird, I try not to be mean and don't say this to hurt, but you best pick against the Hogs 'til they fire Bert

Georgia (-21.5) These dogs irate, these dogs real mad, these dogs about to beat Kentucky real bad, And while looking forward is always swell, look back at last week and L O L

UAB (+10.5) Florida is hurting, they're looking for a spark, no way they get it against Big Bill Clark, Firing their coach did this team no favors, when they fail to cover against the mighty blazers

Old Mist (-3) If you spell it different, wes gets pissed, which I guess is cause enough for old mist

LSU (-15.5) If LSU wins out we could call it a hat trick, and did you know that Brady's middle name is Patrick? LSU is pretty good, and that's no joke, but I base this pick on my main man Hoke

Missouri (-8.5) Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that Vandy's not much better than Tennessee

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Week 12

A Wes of a Thousand Colors: 3-5 (35-44-3)
The Fairly Drab C: 4-4 (41-38-3)

UL-Monroe at Auburn (-37)

Mississississippi State (-11.5) at Arkansas

Kuntecky at Georgia (-21.5)

UAB at Florida (-10.5)

Texas A&M at Old Mist (-3)

LSU (-15.5) at Tennessee

Missouri (-8.5) at Vanderbilt

The Lineless: Alabama, South Carolina

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Tha Captainz Week Eleven (or should I say week "jane" (stranger things ref (spoiler alert!))) Pix

I humbly submit these picks. Really just honored to be competing.

Arkansas +17.5  Man, I don't know I just think the hogs got something for em.

Old Mist -19.5  Crap, I don't know I just think the rebs got a little something for em.

South Carolina -7  Hell, I don't know I just have a feeling that the cocks gonna have a little something for em.

Georgia -2.5   Dang, I don't know I just know the dawgs are gonna have a little something for em.

Kentucky +3  I mean, I don't know I just think the cats are going to have a little something for em.

Alabama -14  Hey, I really don't know I just have that feeling like the tide's gonna have a little something for em.

New Mexico +19  Look, I'm not claiming to know, I just think that the 'bos are gonna have a little something for em.

Tennessee +10.5   Dude, I don't know it just seems like the vols have a little something for em.

(311 voice) it's week ellleeeevvvvveeeeeennnnnen

LSU (-17.5) Arkansas has a bad offensive line, and LSU has a very good offensive line.

Old Mist (-19.5) This was a hard pick.

South Carolina (-7) lol

Georgia (-2.5) I very much hope to be wrong

Kentucky (+3) I don't like the way Google does CFB schedule searches anymore. Kind of surprised at this line.

Alabama (-14) never. in. doubt.

New Mexico (+19) LOS LOBOS GIGANTE

Tennessee (+10.5) I don't know

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

week eleven or should i say week "Jane" (stranger things ref (spoiler alert!))

there's so much blood
Charles About Town: 6-2-1 (37-34-3)
Low Down Brown: 2-6-1 (32-39-3)

Arkansas @ LSU (-17.5)

You'll Laugh @ Old Mist (-19.5)

Florida @ South Carolina (-7)

Georgia (-2.5) @ Auburn

Kentucky @ Vanderbilt (-3)

Alabama (-14) @ Mississippi State

New Mexico @ TAMU (-19)

Tennessee @ Missouri (-10.5)

Thursday, November 02, 2017

you know it's week ten boooyyyzzzz

Auburn (-15) TAMU is a team on the decline.

UMass (+28) Does it seem like Mississippi State plays UMass a lot? I feel like they do, but I don't feel it strongly enough to actually check or anything.

Missouri (-3.5) yep

Western Kentucky (+10) Almost prepared to pick WKU straight up.

South Carolina (+24.5) I think Mustouchamp is doing a good job so far.

Kentucky (-3.5) you can throw out the records when these two superpowers finally match wits on the chessboard

Coastal Carolina (+23) How am I supposed to pick this game?

Tennessee (-6.5) I got to feel like Tennessee is a better team than UAB.

LSU (+21) An LSU win would be magical, but I expect them to lose 31-17.

Week 1G

This week's theme is Dean "Mean Dean" Koontz.

TAMU +15  The Flesh in the Furnace (1972) - Living puppets! It's crazy.

Mississippi State -28    Demon Seed (1973) - A artificially intelligent house tries to get a woman pregnant! It's wild.

Florida +3.5   The Key to Midnight (1979) - A woman loses her memory! It's insane.

Western Kentucky +10   Watchers (1987) - There's a super smart dog! It's wild.

South Carolina +24.5  Hideaway (1992) - Something about a wreck! I think I read this. It's insane.

Kentucky -3.5  Dark Rivers of the Heart (1994) - Something about another dog maybe? It's crazy.

Arkansas -23  I am tired of looking up Dean Koontz novels. I have work to do.

Tennessee -6.5  Ok I'm back. I finished my work.

Alabama -21  My only football related comment is that it's weird that I thought Missouri was the worst team in the SEC six weeks ago and now they're favorites over Florida.

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Week and 10 let's do it again

A Charles In The Streets: 4-2 (31-32-2)
A Wesley In The Sheets: 3-3 (30-33-2)


Auburn (-15) at TAMU

UMass at Mississississippi State (-28)

Florida at Missouri (-3.5)

Western Kentucky at Wanderbuilt (-10)

South Carolina at Georgia (-24.5)

Old Mist at Kentucky (-3.5)

Coastal Carolina at Arkansas (-23)

Southern Miss at Tennessee (-6.5)

LSU at Alabama (-21)

Unless my eyes doth deceive me, Auburn is the only road favorite. Probably fine!

Thursday, October 26, 2017

It's vitally important that I do well this week...

So I'm going to try really hard to get these correct. All resources are at my disposal. Six and oh, here I come!

Old Mist -3.5  Gotta get off to a good start; really "set the tone." Talked to my parents about who they thought I should pick here. Always good to get advice from your elders.

Florida +14    Prayed hard about this one.

South Carolina -6.5   Called one of those psychic help-lines here. They say they're "for entertainment purposes only" but there's got to be something to 'em.

Missouri -11.5   Talked with my wife (borat ha ha). After a long, hard (long, hard ha ha) all-nighter (ha ha) we made a decision AS A TEAM. That's what marriage is. It's a team effort!

TAMU +1   Emailed Ivan Maisel (really smart football guy, been "around the block" when it comes to the SEC). Didn't respond. Prayed again.

Tennessee +5.5   Went to the most bountiful font of knowledge there is: The G-Meister. That's right folks. He thought they were playing Georgia in Atlanta (where UGA is) at "The Atlanta Dome" on NBC at 9:30because "they always play morning games in the SEC" but he did say "Tennessee" at one point during a rambling digression about Benghazi (which he called "Mogaduzi") so we're going Vols, baby!

(Thrift shop voice) Picks picks, picks, picks, picks picks, picks, picks

Old Mist (-3.5) It's important to remember that Arkansas sucks

Georgia (-14) I expect about 33-14

Vanderbilt (+6.5) I was surprised when I looked to compare their records/schedules how little overlap there is in games between these two titans of the gridiron.

Missouri (-11.5)  I expect some slicing and dicing.

Mississippi St (-1) I'd give Missississsiiiippi State 6 before I'd even start to think about considering this one any other way.

Tennessee (+5.5) I don't know if Tennessee will win, but I think it will be closer.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Week Nine, dang season's almost over

You Know (The Format)
Respected Man: 4-1 (27-30-2)
Cautionary Tale: 1-4 (27-30-2)

That's so close.

Arkansas @ Old Mist (-3.5)

Georgia (-14) vs Florida

Vanderbilt @ South Carolina (-6.5)

Missouri (-11.5) @ UConn

Mississippi St (-1) @ TAMU

Tennessee @ Kentucky (-5.5)

Meanwhile, the (I guess) three best teams in the West (right now) are "takin er easy."

Thursday, October 19, 2017

ittsa meee tha capptaaain

This week's theme: its pasta baby

Missouri -14.5   spaghetti's long and thin

Tennessee +35.5 angel hair's long and thinner

Kentucky +11.5   if pasta's in your kitchen

Old Mist  +6.5  then cook some up for dinner

Arkansas +15.5  thank you

This is definitely the weekend this thing gets sat upon its head.


According to most, basketball players invented the high five. That's fitting, because these five games are high on my list of things to watch this weekend.

Idaho (+14.5) I don't know a lot about Idaho.

Alabama (-35.5) Ah, ah, duh!

Mississippi State (-11.5) This is a really tough pick. I don't think Kentucky is as good as their record. Predicting a 13 point win.

LSU (-6.5) LSU is a team on the rise, Ole Miss is a team on the decline.

Auburn (-15.5) So, Malzahn's thing is that he can smash less talented teams, but he can't beat teams of roughly equal talent, right?

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Week Ate


The proud American West: 4-3 (26-26-2)
The fickle unpatriot CharleSSR: 4-3 (23-29-2)

Like a third of the conference is off this week.

Idaho at Missouri (-14.5)

Tennessee at Alabama (-35.5)

Kentuckums at Mississippi State (-11.5)

LSU (-6.5) at Old Mist

Auburn (-15.5) at Arkansas

Awfully off: Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, TAMU, Vanderbilt

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

the seven weeks -- week urchin, weak anemone, week bass, and so on

Doing these in a hurry without much thought, so this will almost certainly be my best week.

Mississippi State (-23.5) BYU is bad

Tennessee (-3) two bad teams


Old Mist (-3.5) Khaki bowl

TAMU (+3) curious line to my eye; what has Florida done to be a favorite? Texas A&M looked a lot better so far, to me. I thought the most about this so it will be wrong.

Alabama (-28) wooo pig sooey

Georgia (-30) whatever

*In a monotone speaking voice, devoid of any inflection or nuance* These are my picks for week seven.

This week's theme is the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World.

Mississippi State -23.5   Great Pyramid of Giza: used to store grain.

Tennessee -3   The Hanging Gardens of Babylon:  probably not even real. lame.

 LSU +7   Temple of Artemis at Ephesus:  nobody cares about this. not there anymore.

Vanderbilt +3.5   Statue of Zeus at Olympia: congratulations on building a statue, idiots.

Florida -3   Mausoleum at Halicarnassus:  see Temple of Artemis

Alabama -28   Colossus of Rhodes: I heard it wasn't that big.

Missouri +30   Lighthouse of Alexandria:  holy shit a lighthouse! truly wondrous. NOT.

Lucky Seven

First and foremost, something i would never forget to do:
Last Week (oeuverawl)
Weasley: 3-2-1 (22-23-2)
Cheesley: 3-2-1 (19-26-2)

It's cool that these are all either very close or very not close.

BYU @ Mississippi State (-23.5)

South Carolina @ Tennessee (-3)

Auburn (-7) @ LSU

Vanderbilt @ Old Mist (-3.5)

TAMU @ Florida (-3)

Arkansas @ Alabama (-28)

Missouri @ Georgia (-30)

Elsewhere doing more important things like catching up on studies, starting a new hobby, and diligently self-caring: The University of Kentucky Wildcats

Thursday, October 05, 2017

[musically] week six/ I'm not good at picks

Auburn (-21) I'm ready to get on the hype train

Georgia (-17.5) Georgia isn't as good as Alabama, but they're a lot better than Waaanderbilt, right?

Florida (-3) This game will be stupid to watch until the last five minutes. I think LSU loses the game more than Florida wins it. Also Florida winning the East and then losing to Alabama by six touchdowns is now the plan.

Arkansas (-1.5) I don't think either one of these teams is especially good.

TAMU (+26) (to the tune of "Won't Get Fooled Again") I'll be wrong again

Missouri (+10) Missouri is bad, but Kentucky is not exactly the 1985 Bears.

*to the tune of Dead and Bloated by Stone Temple Pilots* These ARRRREEE Wes's Week Six Pix That Somebody Told Me Will Be Wrong and Stuuupiiid

do do do do *snap* *snap*

Old Mist +21  Gomez Addams was the father. Rich for some reason. Hispanic. Horny. Swordsman.

Georgia -17.5   Morticia Addams was the mother. Tall. Pale. Largely unemotive. Spoke French in order to make Gomez even hornier than usual.

Florida -3  Wednesday Addams was the daughter. Pigtailed and murderous.

South Carolina +1.5  Pugsley Addams was the son. Generally happy-go-lucky. Not bright. Constantly being murdered by his sister.

TAMU +26  Uncle Fester was the uncle. Rotund. Very strong. Hairless. Good with the kids.

Kentucky -10  The rest. There was a grandmother type who had a cauldron, a severed yet sentient hand, squeaky hair-man, and a Frankenstein butler.

Tuesday, October 03, 2017

weak sex heh heh heh

We're ... we're not good, folks.

el dubs (oh aye):
everybody's friend wes: a muscular 3-5 (19-21-1)
everybody's foe charles: dee-litefully 2-6 (16-24-1)

Old Mist at Auburn (-21)

Georgia (-17.5) at Vanderbuiltfordtough

LSU at Florida (-3)

Arkansas (-1.5) at South Carolina

Alabama (-26) at TAMU

Missouri at Kentucky (-10)

Off apparently: Missississippi State, Tennessee (tennessee)

Thursday, September 28, 2017

It's been/ week five that I make my picks/ make em wrong so I say I'm sorry

Vanderbluth (+10) I see a low-scoring 13-10 kind of game here. I am warming to the idea of, say, a three-loss Florida team going to the SEC title game so they can get smothered to death by Alabama and lose the Citrus Bowl to Penn State. Couldn't be happier.

New Mexico State (+16.5) I like the Aggies to cover here. Arkansas is emotionally shattered.

Georgia (-7.5) I think Georgia will be clearly better, but I also think is primed to be also a low-scoring game.

Regular Kentucky (-14.5) More like Can-tucky (?)

Mississippi State (+9.5) To me, that's preposterous. Auburn covering, things of that nature.

Troy (State) (+19.5) This line looks high to me.

TAMU (-10) I've given up on them Cocks, and I think Christian Kirk is really good at football. Prove me wrong, Muschache.

Old Mist (+27.5) Cap, I want to ADDRESS this issue. You KNOW I am sensitive to the Tide covering. BUT!

a captain makes his picks

please respect them, they're very important to him

Vanderbilt +10   The score of this game will be 11 - 2

Arkansas -16.5   Already forgot who they're playing.

Georgia -7.5   Kirby Smart.

Kentucky -14.5   Good coffee! You'll learn the origin story of this cup of coffee later in the post.

Mississippi State +9.5   The G-Meister just referred to the Amazon Fire Stick as the "Hot Stick" and now that's all I can focus on. Hot Stick.

Troy +19.5   UPSET ALERT!

TAMU -10   Going to go get some coffee while I think of something to write here.

Old Mist +27.5   hahaha, Why did I pick old mist? The answer is that I believe in Coach Freeze and what he's building.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

week faaaaahve

last week (overalls):
the important man charles: a sterling 4-4 (14-18-1)
the obsolete man west: a craven 4-4 (16-16-1)

commence to pickin'!

Vanderbutt @ Florida (-10)

New Mexico State @ Arkansas (-16.5)

Georgia (-7.5) @ Tennessee

Eastern Michigan @ Regular Kentucky (-14.5)

Mississippi State @ Auboooo-urns (-9.5)

Troy (State) @ LSU (-19.5)

South Carolina @ TAMU (-10)

Old Mist @ Alabama (-27.5)

Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film: Missouri, possibly the worst team on earth

Thursday, September 21, 2017

weak four traditionally features no old mist

excited to see some great blocks, tackles, throws, and catches in these games

Missouri +18   gross

UMass +28  poor, shitty, stupid tennessee

Arkansas +2.5   I would have picked them at -2.5, thanks sucker!! ha ha I'm so dumb.

South Carolina -8.5   sure

Alabama -18.5  nobody is convincing me that Vanderbilt is any good

Georgia -5.5   wrong

Syracuse +21.5    wrong

Florida -2   I actually think the score will be 2-0

pick some games before you go go

Missouri (+18) no way Auburn covers

UMass (+28) Of course, Tennessee will win, but I don't think they'll cover. 24 points would be a much tougher pick for me.

Texas A&M (-2.5) at Arkansas I do not now nor have I ever thought Bert Bulima is a particularly good coach. I think Sumlin in uneven but can be good. Plus my limited understanding is that Sumlin has the slighter hotter seat and thus more motivation to win.

South Carolina (-8.5) This is a weird game with a weird line. South Carolina having that best player get hurt challenges my conception of this game, which was limited to begin with, but I'm sticking with it.

Alabama (-18.5) it enrages me that this game exists.

Mississippi St (+5.5) I like the underdog straight up. Dan Mullen the best non-Saban coach in the conference? That's probably my pick. More like Kirby Dumb!

Syracuse (+21.5) [pushing up glasses] "Actually, Syracuse was the Orangemen until 2004, when" [gets hit by a bus]

Florida (-2) Impossible for me to muster any interest in this game.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

better week four than never

The wonderful west: 3-4-1 (12-12-1 overall, sick symmetry)
The chunderful charles: 2-5-1 (10-14-1 overall, lol)

Auburn (-18) at Missouri

UMass at Tennessee (-28)

Texas A&M (-2.5) at Arkansas

La Tech at South Carolina (-8.5)

Alabama (-18.5) at Vanderbilt

Mississippi St at Georgia (-5.5)

Syracuse at LSU (-21.5)

Florida (-2) at Kentuckums

Thursday, September 14, 2017

it's my picks .... now or never .... I just want to pick forever

TAMU (-24) TAMU is going to be mad about being such stupid moron idiots. Or, they'll fall apart? But I think they'll be mad. Them Cajuns is not very Ragin'.

Tennessee (+4.5) I was kind of surprised that Florida was such a big favorite, given their general offensive incompetence. Plus, Florida has to be all kinds of discombobulated with the hurrrrrrrrricane.

Purdue (+7) To cover but lose or maybe even straight up. I am not sure why Missourah is this big a favorite. Purdah had a close game to Louisville, who is good, and Missourah has looked like trash so far.

Alabama (-28.5) I totally forgot Bobo was Colorado State's coach.

Mississississippi State (+7) I think they cover but lose. I am not very confident about this pick.

Kansas State (-4) Yeah Waaaandy has a good defense, but that's because they've played two bad teams. We thought Auburn would have a good offense after the GA Southern game, but that was stupid. I don't know very much about Kansas State this year.

South Carolina (-6.5) A touchdown sounds about right, a 24-17 kind of game.

Old Mist (-3.5) I am also not very confident about this pick, although I am excited about this game. It's really late for Ole Miss, and they're cross country etc, plus the whole going to get hammered by the NCAA. But they're also way more talented than Cal. I am guessing the Alt Might passing game is the difference. If we were doing bets on over/unders, I would take the over here.

here come tha captainz week three picks

they say confidence is everything.

TAMU -24  easy pick. extremely confident. no way this is wrong.

Tennessee +4.5  really buying in on tennessee. this is a lock.

Purdue +7   missouri is a must-sell. 100% certain.

Alabama -28.5   the tide is going to "roll." take this one to the bank, boys.

LSU -7   are you kidding me? like taking candy from a baby.

Vanderbilt +4  vanderbilt might win the big 12. would at least be in the championship game. no doubt in my mind here.

South Carolina -6.5  this is basic as hell. there is only one answer.

Cal +3.5  perhaps the surest possible thing. bet the house, wife, and kids.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Week Three: this is the weekend it starts to get really good. just kidding.

Last week (Overall):

The big boy charles: 2 - 4 (8 - 9)
The big boy west: 4 - 2 (9 - 8)

It's neck and neck. Is this the weekend one of us gets a big old goose egg? Also is it the weekend one of us picks zero games correctly? I don't know the answer to either question but the second one is probably "no, that's very unlikely" and the first one is probably "i think charles is going to be pleasantly surprised with his goose egg."

Louisiana-Lafayette @ TAMU (-24)

Tennessee @ Florida (-4.5)

Purdue @ Mizzouri (-7)

Colorado State @ Alabama (-28.5)

LSU (-7) @ Missississippi State

Kansas State (-4) @ Vanderbilt

Kentucky @ South Carolina (-6.5)

Old Mist (-3.5) @ Cal

Dead to us this week:
Auburn (Mercer), Georgia (Samford (the real one)), Arkansas (themselves at practice I guess)

Thursday, September 07, 2017

the captain week two picks

"I think your gonna like em"

Clemson -5 I forgot which of the white post-RG3 baylor quarterbacks jarrett stidham was. now i'm disappointed. not an overwhelming disappointment, i mean its something i'll work through but shit man. hurts right now.

Alabama -43.5 its fun and fashionable to throw around things like "thats a lotta points homer" and "nick saban doesn't obliterate lesser oponents, he slowly smothers them" *stephen a. smith voice* BUT! *end stephen a. smith voice i guess* last year alabama covered a 43.5 point line against kent state. *twist stephen a. smith voice* BUT!

TCU -3 if you like the gridiron, you'll love football.

South Carolina +2.5 i have already forgotten whether south carolina won last week. i remembered now.

La Tech +8 mississippi state plays a lot of weird away games. also, la tech is the feminine form, the mens teams should be le tech. i'm just kidding.

Georgia +4 "catholics vs convicts!" "hey... they're all convicts" *in a hushed, subversive tone with a cheshire grin creeping across my awful face* "they're all catholics..."

already out of clever titles

My picks

Auburn (+5) Check this out: Auburn will lose but cover.

Alabama (-43.5) I guess?

TCU (-3) at Arkansas So we basically don't know anything about these teams. I actually looked it up, and last year was that weird game where TCU outplayed Arkansas but still lost. So, I think that happens again, except TCU outplays Arkansas and wins.

Missouri (-2.5) I picked against the COCKS last week and was stupid. But, NC State probably should have won, so maybe I was smart but still just wrong. I feel like this will be relatively high scoring, which maybe favors Missouri? This would be my least-confident pick, probably.

Mississippi State (-8) Why is this game in Ruston Lerisianer?

Notre Dame (-4) Somebody said Fromm has moxie, and it's hard to pick against moxie. But I'm a big believer that Notre Dame is a lot better than they were last year. It looks like the line moved? I thought it opened higher than this. I am not confident about this pick, either. I guess my decision comes down to the fact that I don't much like Georgia.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Weak Two


Tha Handsome Captain: 5-6
Yer friend Charlie: 6-5

We are off to a staggering, earth-scorching start. Pix at six on Thursday. This is a fairly light lineup.

Auburn at Clemson (-5)

Fresno State at Alabama (-43.5)

TCU (-3) at Arkansas

South Carolina at Missouri (-2.5)

Mississippi State (-8) at La Tech

Georgia at Notre Dame (-4)


Not on the menu, boys:

Northern Colorado at Florida
Eastern Kentucky at Regular Kentucky
Tenn-Martin at Ole-Miss
Indiana State at Tennessee
Alabama A&M at Vanderbilt A&M
Nicholls A&M at Texas A&M
Chattanooga at LSooga

Thursday, August 31, 2017


My picks! genuinely excited, not confident.

NC State (-5) I guess

Michigan (-3.5) lol hardballs. FOR THE RECORD: I expect Michigan to win by exactly four points.

Kentuckums (-10)

Jeorgia (-14.5) this is the new way we spell it for UGA

Georgia Southern (+34.5) There's no way Auburn covers a five touchdown spread, right?

South Alabama (+24) without their escort services, Auld Must is powerless, like Samson without his hair.

Alabama (-7) villains. Easiest pick of the week.

Vanderbilt (-3) Why is this an away game for the Commies?

BYU (+16.5) The Big Easy™. I had lswho? to cover, but there's a storm comin'.

UCLA (-3.5) A tough pick.

Tennessee (-3) I guess. Another tough pick.

kenneth bone

I'm going to win this year. NOT.

NC State -5 people think nc state is going to be good maybe? did I make that up? who the hell am I to maybe disagree with them? I am not researching this at all.

Michigan -3.5 I guess

Southern Mist +10 call me old fashioned but I consider usm a mid-major powerhouse and also one of Alabama's principal rivals

Appalachian State +14.5 but Georgia wins in some stupid way

Georgia Southern +34.5 bart simpson voice: aye carumba! thatsa lotta points, homer

South Alabama +24 this is difficult. on the one hand I don't care and on the other hand it doesn't matter

Alabama -7 I bought a tv antenna so I can watch part of this game because I hate myself

Middle Tennessee State +3 exciting

BYU +16.5 bart simpson voice: homer, I'm concerned about how many points lsu is giving here

UCLA -3.5  tamu? ucla? what is this alphabet soup.

Tennessee -3 time to build up a head of hype before the Alabama game, tennessee

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Remember how I won both parts of the bowl pick them?

Picks are ATS and due by Thursday at 6. Even though none of the applicable games are until Saturday unless they're not because of Harvey. And buddy... all bets are off.

NC State (-5) v South Carolina [@ Charlotte]

Michigan (-3.5) v Florida [@ Arlington, TX]

Kentuckee (-10) @ Southern Mist

Appalachian State @ Georgia (-14.5)

Georgia Southern @ Auburn (-34.5)

South Alabama @ Old Mist (-24)

Florida State v Alabama (-7) [@ Atlanta have you heard about this new stadium]

Vanderbilt (-3) @ Middle Tennessee State

BYU v LSU (-16.5) [@ New Orleans, I guess?]

TAMU @ UCLA (-3.5)

Tennessee (-3) v Georgia Tech [@ Atlanta I know ga tech is in Atlanta but this is at the new butthole shaped stadium]

Sittin' this one out: Arkansas (FAMU), Missouri (Missouri State), Mississippi State (Charleston Southern)

Instead of Birmingham southern, you should have gone to Charleston southern.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

small fish meet big pond: brighton, huddersfield

brighton & hove albion

huddersfield town (aka the terriers, adorable)

that's it i'm done

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Small fish, meet big pond: Newcastle

New castle? Are they still building those??? I'm kidding.

Location: up north, a rarity these days

Nickname: the butt holes. I'm kidding.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Newcastle stadium. (kidding)

Crest: seahorses are a delicacy in Newcastle. im kidding

What they'll bring to the table (metaphorically!): I don't know

What they'll bring to the table (literally!): don't know

Thursday, January 05, 2017


Congrats to the noble captain, who deserved this.

Bowl scoreboard image ranking:

trumpet time
walking stick ridge
hay monster sunset
skull n bugs
water head
vest-wearing fella
forest lane

Sunday, January 01, 2017

special "almost there" edition

the largest margin by which i can win confidence is 86 points. the closest it can end up is a 12 point victory for me. the largest margin in a scenario where you win the remaining crises and we split is 27 points.