Monday, September 30, 2019

More Weeks (Six) Than Games (Five)!!!

LW (O)
A man you can believe in: 3-2 (21-20-1)
A man who's always sneezin': 4-1 (21-20-1)

A terrific week for picks, pics, and Picts.

The bookies think that we'll have two competitive games and three blow-outs this week.

Utah State at LSU (-26)
Auburn (-3) at Florida
Troy at Missouri (-25.5)
Georgia (-25) at Tennessee
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss (-7.5)

Only five SEC games, you ask? You are correct! We have bye weeks for Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi State, South Carolina, and Texas A&M. Simply OUTRAGEOUS.

$$$$$$$$$$
The Nicest of Bookies

A very respectable W: $1050
A very detestable C: $1121

Saturday, September 28, 2019

cause i'm the bad guy

(whispering) errybody in the club gettin tipsy

Errybody in the club gettin tipsy Errybody in the club gettin tipsy 

see em spread eagle

dna test

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Yes I made some bad picks and I hope they burn in hell!!!!

SEC Picks as Samuel L. Jackson Roles:

Arkansas (+23.5): John Shaft from Shaft. Should be good but ended up being mostly forgettable. I know that I've seen it, but I have zero recollection. Inexplicably, this is a series.

Northern Illinois (+6.5): Col. Terry Childers in Rules of Engagement. It's hard to imagine a situation where I watch even most of the way through. The right time to watch would have been several years ago.

Old Mist (+35.5): Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction. This is a game that will make me feel like I am beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Hopefully, a main character will die before the end.

Mississippi St. (+11): John Arnold from Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

South Carolina (-2.5): Mace Windu from the Star Wars prequel series. This seems like bad casting, and while everyone involved is apparently trying hard and giving it their best, there are deeper problems that preclude genuine success.

$$$$$$$$$$$
A REAL NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$

Still on that $1099 train. I think both of these over/unders are like 10 points off, which means I will definitely lose both.

$33 to win $30 on Kentucky-South Carolina going over 51.5 points.
$55 to win $50 on Mississippi State-Auburn going over 46.5 points.
$300 to win $2 on Alabama beating Old Mist.

A Captainz Week Five Picks: Think of a good subtitle. don't forget. ok working on this again. think of a subtitle next time. ok editing again. ah crap no subtitle. ok, uh something clever.. come on man aaaaaccck!!!!

In my head I was just counting the games to see if I could come up with a theme for the picks. One of the cool things about having a kid is that when I count now, I do it in the cadence of a battery operated cat who implores me to roll him around the floor, singing the numbers 1 - 20 as he goes. We don't own such a toy, it's just part of "being a dad."

At any rate, there are 5 count em 5 games. Didn't think of a theme. In fact, this is my last edit and now I'm about to go home and I haven't even written any stupid words after my stupid picks. I'm sorry, I'll try to think of something stupid to say about each game this weekend "in real time." Ok editing again, really i'm out the door. going to write the first stupid thing that comes to mind after each pick (not actually looking at the games, just writing something) ok go!

Arkansas + 23.5   Voldemort

Vanderbilt - 6.5  oh crap uh dumbledore

Old Mist +35.5   harry potter

Mississippi St. + 11    baziiinga

South Carolina -2.5   a man named Bubba "Turds" Gunderson, just imagine a guy like that



$$$

Check this out. I got 1,076.58 in fake moolah. Nice Bookie, put me down for the following nonsense:
  • $927.07 on TAMU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $46.35.
  • $72.93 on The Mississippi State University straight up at +350. I stand to win $255.26 as well as your respect and admiration.
If TAMU and Auburn win, I will still have $1,050.00 even though you will neither respect nor admire me.

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

2019 3E SEC Pick Off Week Five: Very Special "I will never stop calling my son Turd Boy" Edition

Last Week (Overalls):

The Savvy Picker: 8-1 (17-19-1)
The Scabby Licker: 4-5 (18-18-1)

Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark!!!

4 teams off this week and 1 FCS game so we should be able to really focus on these picks. No excuses. I will be absolutely beside myself if I hear any excuses.

TAMU (-23.5) vs Arkansas (@ the CowboyDome)

Northern Illinois @ Vanderbilt (-6.5)

Old Mist @ Alabama (-35.5)

Mississippi St. @ Auburn (-11)

Kentucky @ South Carolina (-2.5)



$$$ Nice Book-E $$$

Makin It Rain: $1,099.00
Swirlin Down the Drain: $1,076.58

Gentlemen, start your pickins.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

(The Beatles voice): "When I Pick Week Four"

Florida (-14) It feels like only Yesterday that this game was a big-time matchup, rather than an idiot clown show. I'm not confident about Florida covering. Tennessee's loss to BYU seems better than it did before, after beating Southern Cal, but I got to stick with my gut. I won't change my pick; I'm going to Let It Be.

Alabama (-39) This game will trigger a Helter Skelter scenario on my blood pressure, and, I hope, in the USA as a whole.

Old Mist (-2) Much like JoJo, who wanted that California grass, Old Mist will get back to where they once belong: barely beating mediocre teams.

LSU (-23.5) Ed Oregon looked at that bad offense and said, We Can Work It Out, and they did! Great job. Life is very short, and there's no time for me to watch LSU beat a team like Vanderbilt.

Auburn (+4) You've got to admit, Bo Nix is getting better, getting better all the time.

Missississippi State (-7)  I expected this line to be higher! But then I read the news today, and I just had to laugh. Just a Day In the Life of this 3E Pick Them man.

Missouri (-9.5) I look at this line, and I don't know. I Just Don't Understand! Something in the way this line is set, I don't know.

San Jose State (+21) Picture yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, and oh no it's Bert Beilema! He's back! He's mad and he's wet and he's red!

Notre Dame (+13.5) This one, you know it ain't easy. You know how hard it can be! But I will definitely be rooting for the Catholics, with all their crucifixes.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A NICE BOOKIE
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I got $1099 to spend. I need money, I need money / I need money, oh, yes that's what I want!

$11 to win $10 on California-Old Mist to go under 41.5. I decided no matter what I would bet the under on this game, and it's so low, and I'm still doing it!
$11 to win $10 on Mississippi State covering -7 against Kentucky.
$540 to win $1 on Alabama beating Southern Miss.

Week Four Picks presented by White Clam Hard Seltzer: "Clammed if you do, Clammed if you don't!"

The theme of today's picks is that I'm gassy right now.

Tennessee +14  This is the week Tennessee turns the corner.

Alabama -39  This is the week Alabama turns the corner.

Cal +2  Do you remember Pocket Rockers? Let me jog your memory: "down on the corner / out in the street / Pocket Rockers are playin / wear the music / feel the beat"

LSU -23.5 Everyone remembers Monster In My Pocket.

TAMU -4 

Kentucky +7  Didn't learn anything last week.

South Carolina +9.5  Have never learned anything ever.

Arkansas -21  Will never learn anything ever.

Notre Dame +13.5  Forgetting anything I might have known initially.


$$$ Nice Bookie $$$

Let's make this clean 'n' simple. The Nice Bookie deserves to have one lobbed in to him every once in a while. $1,000 on LSU straight up at -2000. I stand to win $50. Because the moneyline is twice my wager, this is known as "doubling my money."

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

(Drowning Pool voice) let the bookies pick week four

A prince of a man: 4-2 (14-13-1)
A dunce on the can: 2-4 (9-18-1)

yikes!

Only one home underdog this week. That's interesting (not).

Tennessee at Florida (-14)
Southern  Miss at Alabama (-39)
Cal-uh-forn-eye-aye at Old Mist (-2)
LSU (-23.5) at Vanderbilt
Auburn at TAMU (-4)
Kentucky at Missississippi State (-7)
South Carolina at Missouri (-9.5)
San Jose State at Arkansas (-21)
Notre Dame at Georgia (-13.5)

$$$$$$$$
The Nice Bookie

My friend Wes: $1026.58
Call the IRS: $1099.00

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Week thrice and the bookie is nice

A truly reprehensible slate of games. I don't understand why the SEC does it like this. Wouldn't it make more sense to have at least one potentially big game each week? I am confident it could be done without making the schedule unfairly difficult for anyone.

Arkansas St. (+33): big line

Mississippi St. (-8.5): I think. The Bulldogs. Have a. Little something. For 'em.

South Carolina (+25.5): What a foolish decision. I feel like I've not gotten a good handle on Alabama so far.

Colorado St. (+10): Yuck!

Auburn (-35) This seems like a tremendously big line, but I didn't realize how terrible Kent State is. I've never felt more like a big line would be exactly met than this one, which I predict will end 41-6.

Florida (-8.5): Game of the .... weak! [chortling]

$$$$$$$$$$
Beach Boys voice: book book book, book bookie's nice
$$$$$$$$$$

I'm back barely past square one, which after last season seems like improvement. $1038 to spend.

$55 to win $50 on Florida-Kentucky going over 48 points.
$11 to win $10 on Kansas-Mississippi State going over 52 points.
$200 to win one beautiful dollar on Auburn beating Kent State.

Week 333-3333 Sponsored by the Vance Law Firm "Dial '3' for Me!"

These picks might as well be sand, waves, sunbathers, and floating garbage... because they're "shore" things!

Georgia -33  Speaking of dawgs, Dana got a hair cut. It is jarring how small she is and distressing to think back to all the times she's kicked my a*s.

Kansas St. +8.5  I am going to "stan" this game because it is "big mood."

Alabama -25.5  It's time for the big boys to flex their muscles. Story time! When Alabama lost at South Carolina in 2010, I was at a wedding in Kentucky (at "My Old Kentucky Home" State Park to be exact) and we were watching updates on our phones. Can you believe that? Then later Auburn played - get this - Kentucky! We were able to watch the end of the game on tv and there were some Kentucky fans who were super confused as to why Auburn was slowly moving the ball down the field at the end of the game rather than trying to score very quickly and leave time on the clock. Later, I threw a beer can at some gravestone and said "take this, you dead a**hole!" The moral of this story is that it is a crazy time to be alive what with the smart phones and all.

Arkansas -10  Big time revenge game here.

Kent St. +35  Auburn isn't going to score 35 points.

Kentucky +8.5  Charles have I ever told you the story about the time I was at a wedding in Kentucky?



$$$

Time to grind. I'm not proud of this; I don't enjoy this. But a man has to make a living. A father has to provide for his family. And dammit, a player has absolutely got to play.
Nice Bookie, give me $930.31 on Alabama at -3500. I stand to win $26.58.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Week 3E

Last Week (Overall):

Head Of The Class: 4-5-1 (7-14-1)
Head Up His A*s: 5-4-1 (10-11-1)

Breathtaking.

This week like half the conference plays 1AA teams. How embarrassing. Week Three is the new Week Two, I reckon.

Arkansas St. @ Georgia (-33)

Kansas St. @ Mississippi St. (-8.5)

Alabama (-25.5) @ South Carolina

Colorado St. @ Arkansas (-10)

Kent Read Kent Write Kent State @ Auburn (-35)

Florida (-8.5) @ Kentucky


$$$ Verry Niiiiice Bookie: $$$

The Man With The Plan: $1,038.00
The Man Getting Canned: $1,000.00

Thursday, September 05, 2019

I got the horses in the back, week two picks on rack

Missouri (-14) What in tarnation?
Vanderbilt (+7) Purdue in a 17-14 kind of game.
Southern Miss (+17). I went back and changed this because I'd picked too many favorites. That's stupid. But, I'm thinking Mississississippi State got a "wake up call" last week.
Clemson (-17.5) sure
Alabama (-55) The only thing worse than this game having a line is that I think Alabama will cover easily. I might have taken Alabama -62.
Tennessee (-3.5) lmao
Auburn (-18): you. better. believe it.
Kentucky (-14.5) seems wrong
LSU (-5.5) I think this is going to be higher scoring than expected.
Old Mist (-6.5) The rebs didn't get off to a great start, but Portland State!

A REAL NICE BOOKIE

$937.00 to wager!

$55 to win $50 on LSU vs. Texas going over 55
$55 to win $50 on Arkansas vs. Old Mist going under 51
$750 to win $1 on Alabama beating New Mexico State. Am I reading that right? Sure.

A Captain Makes Some Picks: Very Special "Mama's Spicy Little Meatball" Edition

Time to blow a lead, baby.

West F****** V**gin*a +14  The more I think about it, this isn't that weird. But that's because I'm a moron.

Purdew -7  Unrelated so I don't say something unsavory about the cancer kid: Remember the infamous mouth-breather Dave Ragone? What's he up to? UPDATE: He's been the QB coach for the Chicago Bears since 2016 with previous stops with the Titans and R**s**ns.

Mississippi St. -17  woooof woof.

TAMU +17.5  This can't be right.

New Mexico St +55  Come on.

Tennessee -3.5  If Jeremy Pruitt heard the mean things you've been saying about him, he'd flip his lid.

Auburn -18   Serious Question: Will Bo Nix get only one statue outside the stadium, or one for each Heisman?

Kentucky -14.5   Serious Question: Have I pointed out that it is called Kroger Field?

Texas +5.5  Texas is back.

Arkansas +6.5   Arkansas is back.



Time to blow a different lead, baby.

1. $904.14 on Auburn (twist!!!) at -950. I stand to win $95.17.
2. $168.92 on Texas at +210. I stand to win $354.73.

If Auburn and LSU win, I'll still have my precious $1,000. If Auburn loses, I will have significantly less than that.

Tuesday, September 03, 2019

it's a week two remember

A heroic nobleman: 5-7
A loutish peasant: 3-9

Great!

Feast yer eyes on these winners. This gets easier later in the season when there are more intraconference games. At least there are some nonsense payday games without lines.

West Virginia at Missouri (-14)
Vanderbilt at Purdue (-7)
Southern Miss at Miss State (-17)
TAMU at Clemson (-17.5)
New Mexico State at Alabama (-55)
BYU at Tennessee (-3.5)
Twolane at Auburn (-18)
Eastern Michigan at Kentucky (-14.5)
LSU (-5.5) at Texas
Arkansas at Old Mist (-6.5)

Unloved: Charleston Southern at South Carolina, Murray State at Georgia, UT Martin at Florida

$$$$$$$

The people's champion: $1073.75
The people's chumpion: $937.00