Wednesday, December 31, 2008

3E Presents: 2008 Stache of the Year


Warning: it doesn't sound very good.

Update: The only song I recognized was "Love in This Club"

Monday, December 29, 2008

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: The Chase for .500

It needs to be said: this was (by a large, large margin) the best bowl in its long and storied history.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

3E approves

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: The Gap Widens

Amongst all things that could disappoint me, the big ten would be at the top of my wish list. of things that could disappoint me.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: pwND

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: CRISIS in Paradise

This moment will be significant for one of two reasons: a) this is as close as it will get or b) this is the moment that the momentum shifted. Either way, it needs to be docuPainted.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Happy Holidays

I hope everyone has great holiday seasons and whatnot.

While I am usually a vegetarian, I make an exception at Christmas time for a Tri Epsilon tradition: a todducken (a partially deboned chicken stuffed inside a partially deboned duck stuffed inside a toddler).
We might have some CRISIS games updates, but otherwise see you in 2009.



The 116 banks that so far have received taxpayer dollars to boost them through the economic crisis gave their top tier of executives nearly $1.6 billion in salaries, bonuses and other benefits in 2007, an Associated Press analysis found.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


Garage Days Revisited: 03/05/2003

Mmmmmm, 5things sausage. The collected scraps of the last few tries. I’m a little bit curious as to why number five is just blank. I doubt this was published either. Original submitted title: “Tom Clancy’s OpCenter” which made me laugh out loud when I read it a minute ago.

Parts of this column are the only printable pieces of the sizeable mass of literature I wrote over January and February for the lost printings of the Hilltop News. What you won’t be seeing here: no less than three sections committed entirely to whining about not having anything to write about; a section dealing with the American legacy of Pearl Harbor written entirely in binary code; something I still don’t know why I wrote involving Yoda and venomously bashing the Fox Network, Good Charlotte, and recycling; a sentence composed entirely of the word words in hopes of making my word count reach five-hundred; a joke about Finland; something about how much I like Milo’s Sweet Tea; and at least two sections devoted to whining about having to re-write any of the above sections because they were too asinine to put into print.

Yep. It was Pearl Harbor! If there were a 5 Things DVD, you would have gotten all this stuff in the “extras” section.

2. Here’s an idea: how about instead of you listening to Ja Rule, Ludicrous, etc. you just pay me to come to your room and glorify my misogynistic leanings by saying them as I kick a catchy, rhythmic beat on your wall? The conclusion I’ve come to is that people will ignore what you’re saying, no matter how degrading it is, as long as it sounds good. I am all for free speech and support the right of rappers to say whatever they want but the fact that women will willingly listen to (and enjoy) some songs is like a Semite decorating his wall with Nazi hate propaganda because he or she thinks it looks cool.

Been here before.

2a. A postscript appendix to the section above. I am not a feminist. In a world where no two unsymmetrical groups can be equal I am all in favor of males being perceived as the dominant gender.

Take that, skirts.

3. To get our brains back in gear for the new semester, lets start with a little vocabulary lesson (blatantly stolen from the pages of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).
ba-nal: adj. … : lacking originality, freshness, or novelty : TRITE, see INSIPID.
ster-ile: adj. … : c. lacking in stimulating emotional or intellectual quality : LIFELESS.
ex-pur-gate: vt. … : to cleanse of something morally harmful, offensive, or erroneous; esp : to expunge objectionable parts from before publication or presentation.



Lost somewhere in the shifting sands of time.

Garage Days Revisited will be going on hiatus for a while. Check back next year, players.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


It's over.

Distance fail

It looks like a cartoon.

How to Donate Your Body to Science

* You cannot specify what kinds of studies your body will be used for. Anatomical study through dissection is not always the case. Researchers in criminal forensics, for example, may expose cadavers to various environments in order to observe how they decompose. Make sure you research these possibilities and concerns before you make your decision.
* Your body will not be used if the death was caused by suicide.
I love the How To of the Day.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 02/14/2003

Valentine’s Day! Love is in the air. That and a pregnancy scare. Another wacky screwball title, too: “5 jews walk into a bar…” I’m so out there! Again, I don’t think this was ever published. Probably a good thing.

1. Nothing kills a good mood like sitting down and writing this stupid article. Especially now that I’ve realized that a few people actually read it. I’ve gotten calls and emails from both students and professors, reflecting both positive and negative feelings. This only makes it harder to write, when I know that the hurried piddle paddle that I hurriedly write the night before the deadline will actually be read by people I don’t know. It’s a good thing that I shy from human interaction as vehemently as I do, or I probably couldn’t write this column at all.

One of the main bullet points about Tha Captain is that I respond abysmally to pressure.

2. Here’s an idea: how about instead of you listening to Ja Rule, Ludicrous, etc. you just pay me to come to your room and glorify my misogynistic leanings by saying them as I kick a catchy, rhythmic beat on your wall? The conclusion I’ve come to is that people will ignore what you’re saying, no matter how degrading it is, as long as it sounds good. I am all for free speech and support the right of rappers to say whatever they want but the fact that women will willingly listen to (and enjoy) some songs is like a Semite decorating his wall with Nazi hate propaganda because he or she thinks it looks cool.

The analogy is stupid but this still amazes me.

3. I’ve come to a decision recently: Milo’s Sweet Tea is balls-out tasty. Perhaps growing up in a household where sweet tea and other liquids of its ilk were reserved for those of the adult persuasion influenced me to be a late-blooming tea enthusiast. I have arrived now, however.

I wonder what word would have replaced “balls-out” in the paper. I hope it would have been “groin-grabbingly.”

4. Its official. I’ve sold out. For the sake of pure artistic expression, this section of the column was originally written in binary code, but under pressure from the powers that be, I buckled and agreed to rewrite the section as long as I could whine about not being allowed to write in binary. I would still say that this is still a monumental compromise of my principles, even with the small victory of whining privileges. If there’s one thing I avoid like the plague (along with human interaction), it’s compromising my principles. So, you can guess that this particular concession doesn’t sit well with me. It isn’t the first time I’ve had to rewrite part of an article for some nitpicky reason like “it can only be read by computers”, “you can’t write words words words repeatedly to make your article have a higher word count”, or “I don’t think you can say (insert offensive phrase here) in the paper.” But this time I knew it would be rejected and I told myself I wouldn’t rewrite it. But I did and here we are.

I think it was something about Pearl Harbor that I wrote in binary.

5. Well, I hope that some good has come from my writing.


I'm in a picking mood, I guess.

A lot can happen between now and February 24th. While the January transfer window probably won't change the overall look of any of these teams too much, who knows what injuries God may cruelly unleash upon them. Still, the draw for the UEFA Champions League round of 16 happened this morning and I HAVE TO PICK WINNARS.

Atletico Madrid vs FC Porto
If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that fashionable dark horses never lose.

Lyon vs Barcelona
Further proof that La Liga is miles ahead of La Ligue.

Arsenal vs Roma
As recently as the pre-season, Roma was considered the likely filler of the power vacuum in Serie A left by Juventus due to lingering weakness after the match-fixing scandal. Instead, that void has been filled by, well, Juventus. Still, Arsenal is hit or miss.

Inter vs Manchester United
This is the stage where a highly touted Inter side has flopped out over the last few years. Man U still hasn't lost a CL game in a long, long time. They're due.

Real Madrid vs Liverpool
Classic underachiever vs overachiever. I just think the English clubs are going to have a bad year.

Chelsea vs Juventus
Is Juventus really back? Maybe. Chelsea gets their act together and saves a little face for England.

Villareal vs Panathinaikos
Spain goes 4/4 equalling England of last year filling half of the final eight. Panathinaikos is only here because the drew an easy group...and then won it.

Sporting vs Bayern Munich
I'm not sold on Bayern, but Sporting wouldn't have made it out of many groups.



3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: CRISIS Games

It's gonna be a barn burner!

New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Colorado State
Pioneer Las Vegas: BYU vs. Arizona
Hawaii: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame
Champs Sports: Wisconsin vs. FSU
Humanitarian: Maryland vs. Nevada
Armed Forces: Houston vs. Air Force
Sun: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh
Music City: BC vs. Vanderbilt
Chik-Fil-A: LSU vs. Georgia Tech
Capital One: Michigan State vs. Georgia
Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati
Liberty: East Carolina vs. Kentucky
Fiesta: Ohio State vs. Texas
GMAC: Tulsa vs. Ball State
BCSNCG: Florida vs. Oklahoma

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: Tha Captainz Choicez

All of them. In one place. No bowl is more important than any other bowl. Except the PPJ.C.

EagleBank Bowl
Wake Forest vs. Navy
Washington, D.C.
RFK Stadium Dec. 20, 11 a.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Wake Forest
THE WHY FOR: In bowl game rematches, you ALWAYS pick the team that lost the first meeting.

New Mexico
Colorado State vs. Fresno State
University Stadium Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Fresno
THE WHY FOR: I forgot CSU still had a football team. Also too, forgot New Mexico was still a state.

magicJack St. Petersburg
Memphis vs. South Florida
St. Petersburg. Fla.
Tropicana Field Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2

THE WHY FOR: Speed don't slump.

Pioneer Las Vegas
BYU vs. Arizona
Las Vegas
Sam Boyd Stadium Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: BYU 59 - 0 UCLA, UCLA 10 - 31 Arizona. It's math, bitches.

R+L Carriers New Orleans
Southern Miss vs. Troy
New Orleans
Superdome Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: USM lost to Auburn. A unique distinction among the fine teams representing their schools this bowl season.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia
Boise State vs. TCU
San Diego
Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN


Sheraton Hawaii
Hawaii vs. Notre Dame
Aloha Stadium Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: ND (dog)
THE WHY FOR: I hate them.

Motor City
Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan
Ford Field Dec. 26, 8 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Central Michigan
THE WHY FOR: 2 obvious.

Meineke Car Care
West Virginia vs. North Carolina
Charlotte, N.C.
Bank of America Stadium Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: Tough call. Flipped a coin. It came up heels.

Champs Sports
Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Orlando, Fla.
Florida Citrus Bowl Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Wisconsin (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Just accept it, okay.

Miami (Fla.) vs. California
San Francisco
AT&T Park Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: Gayer uniforms.

Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
Shreveport, La.
Independence Stadium Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Louisiana Tech (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Did you know that either one of these teams was bowl eligible? I really hoped we would disagree on this one.
NC State vs. Rutgers
Birmingham, Ala.
Legion Field Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Rutgers
THE WHY FOR: I barely remember the last time NC State won in Birmingham.
ADDITIONAL COMMENT: OMG, so excited. Also too: the creeping horror of the PPJ.C mascots:

Valero Alamo
Missouri vs. Northwestern
San Antonio
Alamodome Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Mizzou
THE WHY FOR: Missouri thunderdomes teams that aren't as good as them. Plus, Charles has a history of picking NW and I wanted this to be the ultimate showdown.

Roady's Humanitarian
Maryland vs. Nevada
Boise, Idaho
Bronco Stadium Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Nevada
THE WHY FOR: Redemption, baby.

Rice vs. Western Michigan
Reliant Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m. NFL Network

THE WHY FOR: I regret deciding I would give reasons.

Pacific Life Holiday
Oklahoma State vs. Oregon
San Diego
Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: THE Oklahoma State University
THE WHY FOR: Cowboys probably could have won the PAC-10 this year.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces
Houston vs. Air Force
Fort Worth, Texas
Amon G. Carter Stadium Dec. 31, Noon ESPN

WINNAR: Houston
THE WHY FOR: In bowl game rematches, you ALWAYS pick the team that won the first meeting.

Brut Sun
Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh
El Paso, Texas
Sun Bowl Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS

WINNAR: THE Oregon State University
THE WHY FOR: I don't know, I really think Pitt will win!

Gaylord Hotels Music City
Boston College vs. Vanderbilt
Nashville, Tenn.
LP Field Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: While not that many of them, BC does, on occasion, score points.

Kansas vs. Minnesota
Tempe, Ariz.
Sun Devil Stadium Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network

WINNAR: Kansas
THE WHY FOR: Minnesota isn't very good.

LSU vs. Georgia Tech
Georgia Dome Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN


South Carolina vs. Iowa
Tampa, Fla.
Raymond James Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: Three quarterbacks who are each a lock for two or three interceptions in every game, that's why.

Capital One
Georgia vs. Michigan State
Orlando, Fla.
Florida Citrus Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC

WINNAR: THE Michigan State University (dog)
THE WHY FOR: The Big-10 always wins the Citrus Bowl.

Konica Minolta Gator
Clemson vs. Nebraska
Jacksonville, Fla.
Jacksonville Municipal Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS

WINNAR: Nebraska (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Dabo is not a real name.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi
Penn State vs. USC
Pasadena, Calif.
Rose Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC

THE WHY FOR: Picking them is the least I can do, really.

FedEx Orange
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Dolphin Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m. FOX

WINNAR: Virginia Tech (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Not sure.

AT&T Cotton
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech
Cotton Bowl Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX

WINNAR: Texas Tech
THE WHY FOR: Offense wins Cotton Bowls.

AutoZone Liberty
Kentucky vs. East Carolina
Memphis, Tenn.
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN

THE WHY FOR: Who(m) did Kentucky beat this season?

Allstate Sugar
Utah vs. Alabama
New Orleans
Superdome Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

WINNAR: Alabammy
THE WHY FOR: I shouldn't have to explain this.

Buffalo vs. Connecticut
Rogers Centre Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2

THE WHY FOR: Turner Gill's not a good coach! No Gene Chizik, anyway.

Tostitos Fiesta
Ohio State vs. Texas
Glendale, Ariz.
University of Phoenix Stadium Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

WINNAR: Tosu (dog)
THE WHY FOR: I don't know. I really don't.

Tulsa vs. Ball State
Mobile, Ala.
Ladd-Peebles Stadium Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN

WINNAR: Tulsa (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Almost done.

FedEx BCS National Championship Game
Florida vs. Oklahoma
Dolphin Stadium Jan. 8, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX

WINNAR: Oklahoma (dog)
THE WHY FOR: Heisman jinx FAIL.

3E Bowl Pick Them: A Brief History

Most of the records are lost in the limbo of history but we can all agree on one thing: I am better than Charles in every way.

2005: Seven CRISIS games. I won five of them. I had won before New Year's Day.
2006: I won on the last day (via tiebreaker) by picking UF over THE ohio state university.
2007: Again, a tiebreaker victory for me.

2008: A new record of 15 CRISIS games. There will be no tiebreaker.

Charles Bowl Picks Part III

God bless you, BCS, for these terrible games.

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Penn St.
Penn State is a pretty good team, but it doesn't matter. Pete Carroll in bowl games: tough. USC's defense: tough. Southern Cal will smother Penn State like an unwanted baby.
My pick: USC

Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Brian Kelly, another proven winner Auburn didn't even seriously look at. Cincinnati lost to Oklahoma, no surprise, and a bizarre blow-out to Connecticut. Virginia Tech is from the ACC, which laughs at our puny notions of logic or quality football teams. I am surprised that Cincinnati is even a slight favorite, given the name advantage.
My pick: CINCY

Sugar Bowl: Utah vs. Alabama
Our only hope is that Alabama is still down from losing the SEC title game and not going to the national championship game. Alabama's not as good as they look -- Florida was the only really good they played, and Alabama lost fairly handily to them. But, they're better than Utah.
My pick:alabama

Fiesta Bowl: Texas vs. Ohio St.
If Texas is all pouty, they deserve to lose this game. But I expect Brown to have them ready to go, hoping to win an AP title maybe? No, that's stupid. But they're still better than OSU, who is already 0-2 against good teams this season.
My pick:TEX

BCS National Championship Game: Oklahoma vs. Florida
Tebow can do no wrong -- when he graduates, all those Filipino foreskins he cut off will be put together using stem cells, and they will be cloned into a near-perfect replica, another Tebow except this one is much more sensitive. Oklahoma will score a lot, but not quite as much as they usually do, and Florida will score a little more.
My pick: UF

Charles Bowl Picks Part II

Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma St. vs. Oregon
Now here's a game with some chest hair. I'm going with the team that has faced much better competition. This is as good a place as any to point out that the top four teams in the Big 12 South went undefeated against everyone else.
My pick: OSU

Texas Bowl: Rice vs. Western Michigan
All these Michigan teams in bowl games, and Michigan isn't one of them. Rice is playing a home game, and they've got all those gaudy passing numbers.

Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force
You've really got to pick the military in the Armed Forces Bowl, don't you? No, I guess not. But I did anyway. This is another rematch. This time I am going with the previous winner. Like with Louisiana Tech, I am picking with my heart, not my mind grapes.

Sun Bowl: Oregon St. vs. Pittsburgh
As I understand it Oregon State will be short a few players, which should balance out Pitt's bad head coaching (why do people hire NFL retreads?). Also, did Pitt want people to stop calling them Pitt?
My pick: PITT

Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt vs. Boston College
A home game for an excited Vanderbilt team. Boston College is better, and I think they're a pretty good team, but this is a letdown game for them (and America). Vanderbilt will win a narrow one.
My pick: VANDY

Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota
I've got some insight -- into bad football teams! HA! Not really. Kansas is pretty good. They just beat Missouri, and Minnesota has lost four in a row. I think Mangino is a pretty good coach, and there's a reason they're favored so heavily.
My pick: KU

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. LSU
Basically a home game for a hit Georgia Tech team with better coaching. LSU has a big talent advantage, but they've had one against almost every team they've played, and here we are. All the talent in the world can't overcome poor coaching and not caring. I think LSU will do better against the option that Georgia did, but not enough to make a difference.
My pick: GA TECH

Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa
Steve Spurrier: how the mighty have fallen. I think it's fair to say that, despite hopes that only grew stronger after a pretty good first season, Spurrier is not going to turn South Carolina around. A fact of which I only recently became aware: Iowa's Shonn Greene is the only player in the country to rush for 100 yards in every game this season. Usually I think these New Year's Day matchups of good but flawed teams favor the SEC, but Iowa is playing well and South Carolina is not.
My pick: IOWA

Capital One Bowl: Michigan St. vs. Georgia
Looking over the lines, I see that (rightly) the Big 10 is only favored in one game, the previously mentioned Outback Bowl. Otherwise they all look like big disadvantages for the midwest's finest, including this game. Georgia has had a disappointing season and I can't imagine they're excited about this game, but Michigan State got pasted against every decent team they played.
My pick: UGA

Cotton Bowl: Texas Tech vs. Ole Miss
That Auburn did not even seriously consider hiring Leach, and that they did hire Chizik, is evidence of some deep malady that only fire and prayer and perhaps death can remedy. One of the many things I like about Leach is that by all accounts he's an excellent motivator, which will help keep them focused on this crappy matchup. Maybe he'll say that, if it were forty years ago, this would be exactly the game they deserved. I am tempted to say that Ole Miss will upset TT because of the letdown effect etc, but I am going to resist it.

Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina
I'm still not sold on East Carolina and will take the SEC-homer upset. I know Kentucky hasn't done anything special, but looking at their results, neither has ECU since their first two games (both of which had a lot of the shine taken off). It's hard to get excited about either of these, but at least Kentucky lost to better teams.
My pick: UK

Gator Bowl: Clemson vs. Newbraska
Two of Clemson's wins came over 1-AA teams. Newbraska has a bad defense, but I think they can score enough on Clemson to pull through. Bo Pelini versus Dabo Swinney? Come on. No way. Get serious. Clemson is favored, but the stench of Tommy Bowden still hangs heavy enough to lose this game.

International Bowl: Connecticut vs. Buffalo
Either of the coaches in this game would have been better hires for Syracuse. This bowl game kind of looks like a play-off for most difficult areas to recruit in I-A; one lucky team will play western region winner Idaho.
My pick: UCONN

GMAC Bowl: Tulsa vs. Ball St.
Hoke is headed to San Diego State: a lateral move, in coaching terms, but a much nicer climate. Even with all the disfunction, these kind of games tend to go with the better offense, and I think that's Ball State. I hope I'm right about this, because Todd Graham is kind of a dick.
My pick: BSU

Charles Bowl Picks Part I

Here is the first group of my bowl picks. I'll do the regular bowls in two groups, in chronologicalish order, and then a special section for the decidedly unimpressive BCS match-ups.

Eaglebank Bowl: Navy vs. Wake Forest
A rematch! Navy won the previous outing. Still I am with the favorite, although it is hard to root against a team with a quarterback named Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada (I had to look up the spelling). This is a pretty good match-up to start the bowl season, especially if you like running games and defense.
My pick: WF

New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Colorado St.
Fresno State started out highly ranked and failed to live up to it. Colorado State was not, and now they're in New Mexico. As Dick Vitale might say, Big Mo!
My pick: CSU

St. Petersburg Bowl: USF vs. Memphis
It's as magicJack as all get out. I am looking forward to the day when every city with over 150,000 people hosts a bowl game (I am totally serious about that -- as long as we clarify which ones are the big important ones, I want as many bowl games as we can get teams for). As to the game, Memphis is a bad football team and an ugly city, neither of which USF suffers from.
My pick: USF

Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona
Again, I am a big believer in the motivation school of bowl picking. Arizona is glad to be in a bowl game; this is well short of what BYU was hoping for. Plus, BYU seems to have trouble (relatively speaking) moving the ball against any decent defense.
My pick: AZ

New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy
The only team in a bowl game I can root for! And a Sun Belt team is favored! Even if over a C-USA team. Troy has looked better against real teams -- Southern Miss lost to Auburn, for goodness' sake, which should bar anyone from going to a bowl game.
My pick: TROY BABY

Poinsettia Bowl: Boise St. vs. TCU
I like it when newer bowl games have real names. Also, can anyone deny that, in terms of watchability and quality of the teams playing, that this is at least the second best bowl game this season? Also, offense wins games, but defense wins Poinsettia Bowls.
My pick: TCU

Hawaii Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Hawaii
Charlie Weis has a job. Tommy Tuberville and Phil Fulmer do not. There is no justice. If Boise St. and Cincinnati had trouble scoring, so will Notre Dame. Momentum favors Hawaii, who contrasts with perpetually collapsing Notre Dame.
My pick:HAWAI'I'I'I

Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan
FAU is pretty bad at football. What kind of terrible sins do you have to commit to be forced from Florida to Detroit during Christmas? Home field, sort of, is what Central Michigan can count on. I do hate to root about Howard, though (we're on a first name basis). After Ford goes under, who will pick up this bowl game? I hope it's the Toyota Motor City Bowl.
My pick: CMU

Meineke Car Care Bowl: North Carolina vs. West Virginia
I think making fun of bowl names gets old pretty fast, and there's only so many fruits (why isn't there a Lemon Bowl?), but the words "Car Care" are in this one. My pick: again, all about momentum, this time in the long run: West Virginia is gasping to the end of a successful run and graduating back toward mediocrity, while North Carolina is on its way up. Also, if it comes down to coaching, West Virginia is in trouble.
My pick: UNC

Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida St.
The best match-up 1999 has to offer. Wasn't Wisconsin supposed to the team challenging Ohio State for the Big 10? FSU had trouble with good offenses, but Wisconsin is not a good offense. A match-up of mediocre teams from mediocre conferences who don't deserve to go to Disney World.
My pick: FSU

Emerald Bowl: Cal vs. Miami
I love Emerald Nuts commercials (see here and especially here). It's too bad Cal's a pretty good team playing at home, and Miami isn't.
My pick: CAL

Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
It will always be the Poulan Weedeater Bowl to me. I'm not quite sure why Northern Illinois isn't a bigger favorite, or why I think Louisiana Tech will win, but I'm going with my gut.
My pick: LA TECH North Carolina St. vs. Rutgers
Easily the most important bowl game I'll be attending, and easily the one with the most frightening mascot. They are on a combined ten game winning streak, so I expect the best from both. It's too bad that, like most of the world, I stopped paying attention to either after dismal starts. But it will be fun to see them!

Alamo Bowl: Northwestern vs. Missouri
This game should be fun to watch, or at least as fun as a pretty big win can be. Missouri doesn't have much of a defense, but with that offense, and against Northwestern, that doesn't matter.

Humanitarian Bowl: Nevada vs. Maryland
Maryland beat Clemson, who is in the Gator Bowl, while Maryland is in Idaho. Football is unfair. Maryland lost to Middle Tennesee and beat Delaware by seven points. There are no rational explanations for why ACC teams win or lose. Nevada's best win is ... Fresno State? None of this matters. We are but specks in the wind.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

whoa. that's deep, dude.

Nearly fifteen minutes you have kept your hand underneath her. You pull it out. Smells...meaty. You don't look forward to getting up close and personal with that later. Why exactly is she sitting on your hand? This isn't really the time to be asking questions. Does she have to be Asian? Yes, yes she does.

A hand on your shoulder. Another Asian, this time a short man with an almost perfectly spherical head and he's telling you that you need to come with him. There's an even shorter Asian woman behind him. You don't know how but you know it must be his wife. The one on your hand starts to get impatient. You know you shouldn't just take off like this, but the little man seems to mean business. Down a hill, into some woods. Leaps, bounds. Still the smell of flesh. The short man is at your side, his wife seeming to have fallen behind. He's carrying two door frames. You offer to help him and he gratefully allows you to do so. Now, time to climb over an embankment but you'll need to watch out for the snakes, there's quite a few about. Over the embankment and it all becomes clear. This is why he's brought you here. have the powers of a spider. Leaps, bounds, legs.

It's her again. Does she know? You leap high in the air. You can see your own reflection in the aether surrounding you. You move all your legs in perfect unison, an irresistible mating dance. Ah, yes it's working. She looks different this time, but you know it's the same person. She is not resisting. The barb enters and her eyes glass over. You wake up. You try to remember as much as you can about what just happened and you write the fragments here.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 01/31/2003

I don’t think this was published. Not necessarily because it’s so obviously ambivalent to any rules of actual journalism, but because the paper had fallen on tough times. Or something. So, now that Charles has actually made this site public knowledge, the number of people who have read this will LITERALLY skyrocket beyond two. Another little bit of juicy inside info: I submitted this with the title “5 steps for impregnating your teenage sister.”

1. First let me just say that everyone should take this column very seriously. To get our brains back in gear for the new semester, lets start with a little vocabulary lesson (blatantly stolen from the pages of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).
ba-nal: adj. … : lacking originality, freshness, or novelty : TRITE, see INSIPID.
ster-ile: adj. … : c. lacking in stimulating emotional or intellectual quality : LIFELESS.
ex-pur-gate: vt. … : to cleanse of something morally harmful, offensive, or erroneous; esp : to expunge objectionable parts from before publication or presentation.

I think I’m so cool, but I’m not.

2. ''You take No. 54 (linebacker Dontarious Thomas), I was surprised how fast he was going sideways, but going upfield, they didn't want it. It's the SEC. They go against passing schools. They don't know how to take on (isolation) blocks, don't know how to take a pounding. We didn't exploit that.''
-Penn State tailback Larry Johnson after averaging less than half of his season average per carry. Shut up, Larry.

If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to offer her to Dontarious Thomas. Eat her, nail her, whatever you want, Big D. I’m just kidding. I would offer her to Reggie Torbor.

As long as Larry Johnson lines up in their backfield, I will always hate the Chiefs.

3. So the other day, we rented “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” for GameCube. Now, my roommate and editor isn’t as initiated into the Star Wars circle as I am, so he asked me to briefly summarize the 5 movies up to this point. Fair enough. So I’m going through (keep in mind, I’m not a huge fan myself so its not too easy) and I’m on The Empire Strikes Back and Charles makes the observation that Yoda doesn’t appear in the original Star Wars. I was totally blown away. He has become so associated with the entire Star Wars culture yet does not appear in the original film. If this wasn’t a truly thought provoking subject, I don’t know what is. I then watched an over-the-top pseudo-journalistic documentary on the Fox network hosted by Mitch Pileggi (they present all information in such a fair and balanced manner!), listened to some Good Charlotte (I love that heavy music!), recycled some aluminum cans (anything to save the Earth!), and went to bed.

Charles, you were such a loser! Who needs a summary of Star Wars? GAY.

As for the rest of this, obviously Good Charlotte and recycling are both still lame. Also too, I think I was the first person ever to make fun of FOX.

4. The only reason I’m even writing 5 things for this paper is because my editor gave me a vanilla coke to do it. I really didn’t feel like it and couldn’t think of anything that was funny and entertaining without being blasphemous, crude, or offensive. So here we go. Words words words. Alright. I hope you people are happy. Hey, what will happen to a Finnish sailor whose boat is caught in a storm? Hel-sinki!

Vanilla Coke: good.

5. The only reason I took the time to finish this article before the deadline was so that my editor wouldn’t put in a 5th thing relating to the inadequacies of the Norton Cafeteria’s interim schedule. Its not that this isn’t a subject worth writing about, its just that I don’t want to hear other people whining about it so I’m just trying to set a good example. Really, I enjoyed eating salads (often having to resort to low-fat ranch dressing) for 3 meals a day. Therefore the last thing I want to hear is some pampered liberal-arts student complaining about it. It’s a good thing I wrote this then, or else you would have to read that kind of garbage.

I really, really didn’t want to write this. Also, I miss Interim.

3E fears.

3E approves.

It's true!


In his nursery, Ken would unscrew every nut that he could find and remove the bolts. Keepers would no sooner put them back when he would be at it again. Nor could he ever be kept in his room. One of his favorite schemes, a trainer described, was to “grab someone’s hand who was waving at him, and swing himself up.” Good luck trying to catch the little red ape after that. Yet, for the zoo, his later life would represent a much greater challenge. In fact, when Ken was first moved into the Heart of the Zoo exhibit, he was caught throwing rocks at a television crew that was filming the neighboring gorillas. When he ran out of rocks, Ken threw his own shit. The crew scattered. In an ironic twist, there would be a similar problem at the zoo several years down the road. Large glass windows had been installed in the exhibit, and the orangutans took to pitching rocks at them. San Diego officials, thinking quickly, instituted an exchange program. One non-thrown stone would get you a banana. But the orangutans were not interested and kept trying to break the windows. The park finally had to bring in a contractor to dig up the entire ground floor of the exhibit in order to remove all of the rocks, as each shattered window cost the zoo $900 to replace. What happened next? The orangutans began to tear the ceramic insulators off of the wall and threw them instead. Evidently, these animals really wanted out.

Ken Allen would make his first successful escape on June 13, 1985. Keepers found him mingling among visitors outside of his exhibit. After he was placed into isolation, officials set to work trying to figure out exactly how he did it. A few years previous, Ken had constructed a ladder out of some fallen branches. “He was very methodical about it,” one employee noted. “He would carefully put the foot of the ladder on the ground, and pound it with his hand to be sure it was solid, and then he would climb to the top of the wall and climb back down.” But there was no ladder to be seen this time. So that was ruled out. It might have been human error: a door left ajar or something. But that did not appear to be the case either. The zoo was definitely stumped. Nonetheless, it was not going take any chances. Cinder-blocks were stacked to raise the height of the retaining wall, and several portions were smoothed over to prevent any handholds. These alterations, the zoo anticipated, would do the trick. They didn’t.

Ken escaped again on July 29th and then again in early August. Each time, San Diego would make additional changes. The walls were made taller. The surfaces were made smoother. Electrified wires were added to guard the perimeter. Keepers brought in new females into the exhibit. The hope here was that one of young ladies might attract Ken’s attention. We want, the trainers’ stated bluntly, “to turn his wanderlust into just lust.” San Diego even started using spies. Zoo employees would disguise themselves as visitors. They would dress up in blue jeans, sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt, and watch from afar to see if they could spot anything unusual happening. The zoo eventually began utilizing two spies at the once, as it was certain that Ken was recognizing its informants. This belief would be affirmed.

Who is tired of cute internet animal pictures?

This guy!
Ummm... Excuse me? Red Panda? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO FOOL. This is a panda, you little sneaky jerk-off. Just because you are holding bamboo doesn't make you a panda, BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED. You are a fox or a raccoon, or some kind of rodent or something.

Where did you have this picture taken anyway, Sears? Are you that desperate to prevent your species from total annihilation? AND STOP TAKING UP SO MUCH MEMORY WHEN I OPEN MULTIPLE TABS.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tuesdays with John

John pretended to read the furniture repair how-to book, slouching down so that the men preparing the table and chairs wouldn't recognize him. He was excited and ready but also nervous, and very glad he decided to skip breakfast.

His eyes idly fell to the book in his hands. Upholstery looks so easy! His landlady had thrown out a chair that looked very much like this one, only a couple of weeks ago. Was it still in the back? It had not rained, he didn't think, and it might still be in good shape.

Concentrate! he told himself. He needed to be ready to argue. Would Gerald hit him? He might. But he was little and out of shape, and John was pretty sure he could take him. But what about the other guy? John had read all his books but had never met this Thomas Woodward, who was so special that John himself, last year's treasurer, was not allowed to attend his talk at the Books-A-Million.

He wished things had not come to this. But everyone was so unfair! Disagreements should be dealt with civilly, not with yelling and name-calling and expulsions. What really galled John was that he had been one of the six founders of the Memphis Extraterrestrial Communion Organization (MECO). Before his arrival last spring, the watcher community had been a bunch of losers on message boards. Now they had a website, a bank account, an organization, a society. Anyone would have been justifiably proud of the work he had done, and protective of the rights of all members.

Well, protective of his own rights.

The problem is that everyone automatically associates themselves with Grays. Even the poster announcing Woodward's talk this afternoon had a little drawing of a Gray (although the proportions were all askew, and John wasn't sure if the little hand-held raygun was more absurd or offensive). Just because they look so thin and elegant and have all that technology, and because so many more of the documented encounters (plus the crazies) were with Grays, and because they were in all those movies.

But you can't choose what happens to you, John told himself. You can only choose how to respond to it.

When the Reptilians had taken him eighteen months ago, the ordeal had been terrifying. The lights, the rough handling, the experiments. But there was more. He had learned so much from them! And the sexual tests -- the orgasms had been fast, furious, constant, the kind you wanted to stop but needed to keep going.

When he awoke after they returned him home, sore and scared and smelling of gin and burning plastic, John had been afraid to reach out. But he gradually began talking to others interested in the extraterrestrial phenomenon. He found what he thought was a helpful and tolerant community. He had discussed the E.T.s, their motives, their goals, and their nature. John changed people's minds and had his own conclusions challenged; for example, he was now convinced that most so-called UFOs were actually based on Earth or nearby planetary objects, and they were not all sent from other systems. John met people, joined groups, started groups, and met what he thought were friends.

But, he reflected bitterly, even these "open minded" people had their own prejudices. When he first began to talk about Reptilians he was shocked at how quickly they were dismissed as ugly or even villainous. Admitting to an interest or preference for Reptilians was met with disbelief or humor; admitting to a sexual relationship was met by stunned silence; admitting to enjoying it had resulted in his expulsion from MECO.

A group he had founded, whose idea had been his!

Well, he was not going take that. The talk had started and, and Woodward was going on about some crap about a new dawn of Earth/Extra-terran (what a silly phrase!) relations. He was nearing the end of the talk, and soon questions would follow. Yes, they were wrapping up. John stood up to his full height and began to stride forward as Gerald said, "Thank you very much, Professor Woodward! I think we've got time for a few questions. Do you-"

"I've got a question!" John bellowed. "Professor Woodward!"

"Oh, Jesus," Gerald muttered into the microphone. The crowd turned and stared as John marched forward.

"Is it not a fact," John began loudly, ignoring the stares and whispers, wildly jabbing his finger into the air to punctuate each clause, "I said, is it not a fact, that the extraterrestrial watcher community has consistently ignored the beliefs and ideas and needs of some of its most important members? For example, I -"

John had never been hit in the kidneys with a baton before, and it hurt more than he imagined anything could. Two small men in blue outfits, one of whom he thought he recognized from the Louisville UFO Meet Up group, grabbed John's arms as a third, unseen assailant hit his lower back one, two, three times. They began to drag him back.

"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen," Gerald whined into the microphone, "We're almost out of time. A round of applause for Professor Thomas Woodward!"

John was being dragged toward the back of the store. He kicked his feet out, flailing, and knocked over a display of the new Harry Potter book.

"I won't be silenced!" he screamed. "I won't!"

3E approves


I have more Guinea cock birds than hens, am kicking out the single dudes. One lavender and two "royal purple" birds available. Hatched mid-July. $10 each or $25 for all three. Or will trade for laying hens or possibly some other good-natured poultry, turkeys maybe, no peafowl. Have been free-ranging, now penned in Guinea Alcatraz in my barn.

These birds have been hateful towards my laying pullets, and I do not recommend them if they will share a coop with chickens or other small poultry of other species. Maybe gamecocks. That would be karmic. They aren't aggressive towards people, cats, or dogs -- but then, the people, cats, and dogs around here don't take crap from birds. They are not tame, and are still convinced after four months that I'm going to eat them in the morning. This is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

These birds do great tick and insect control, and don't tear up the garden the way chickens do. Not as filthy as most poultry. They are very noisy. If your neighbor has a barking dog or annoying offspring, these would be fine revenge. If you just find it amusing to see brainless alien freaks that look like old-style football helmets running around on tiny orange legs, they will fit the bill.

Buy my surplus ill-natured Guineas. They are too scrawny for Thanksgiving. The do not have laser beams strapped to their heads.
best of craigslist

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Grandfather paradox

The grandfather paradox is a proposed paradox of time travel, first described by the science fiction writer René Barjavel in his 1943 book Le Voyageur Imprudent (The Imprudent Traveller). The paradox is this: suppose a man traveled back in time and killed his biological grandfather before the latter met the traveller's grandmother. As a result, one of the traveller's parents (and by extension, the traveller himself) would never have been conceived. This would imply that he could not have travelled back in time after all, which in turn implies the grandfather would still be alive, and the traveller would have been conceived, allowing him to travel back in time and kill his grandfather. Thus each possibility seems to imply its own negation, a type of logical paradox.

An equivalent paradox is known (in philosophy) as autoinfanticide—that is, going back in time and killing oneself as a baby—though when the word was first coined in a paper by Paul Horwich he used the odd version autofanticide.

The grandfather paradox has been used to argue that backwards time travel must be impossible. However, a number of possible ways of avoiding the paradox have been proposed, such as the idea that the timeline is fixed and unchangeable, or the idea that the time traveler will end up in a parallel timeline, while the timeline in which the traveler was born remains independent.
Wikipedia is so great.


Nice reflexes.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


So the word is Gene Chizik is Auburn's next head coach.

It's important to have an open attitude, etc etc, but I can't think of a worse recent hire in the SEC. This is what keeps coming to me.

3E's Official Heisman Endorsement

Chris Todd: seen here throwing the ball as hard as he can.

Friday, December 12, 2008

You Have to Burn the Rope

You Have to Burn the Rope

Old but whatever.

Garage Days Revisited: 11/25/2002

Now the shit hits the fan. It’s the “5 Things” everyone was talking about!

1. After serving my one-column suspension and paying my 300 cafeteria-point fine for writing only 4 things in my last outing, I’m well rested and once again ready to bring the average IQ of the Hilltop News readership down to its customary level.

What am I trying to say? Only idiots read 5 Things? It was probably more BSC-bashing but it doesn’t really find the mark. I forget: did I actually miss a publishing?

2. Well, it finally happened. For the first time I can remember, someone from outside BSC wrote not a single article in the last edition of the Hilltop News. This is something that John Seay touched on in his article (if any of you bothered to read it). John is indeed right about the general placid nature of BSC students. 95 percent of us come from roughly the same demographic background, a background that does not lend its offspring often to progressive, reform, or political activity. And even if many of us were to take a stand on something, it would only be a regurgitation of some ideal that has been fed to us. I don’t want to hear someone say the exact same things that the talking heads on CNN are telling us every night. And I don’t want to hear someone go on a half-assed rant, thinking they have something new to say about world hunger or the destruction of the rain forest just because they’ve been on a big U2 kick. I want to hear someone from BSC come out and say something interesting. Bash our holiest institutions. Support something that may initially seem unsupportable, like cannibalism or racial profiling. Despite what our society (or college) may prescribe, you don’t have to think like everybody else does.

I AM SUCH A FREE-THINKER! But, why am I being such a dick? “if any of you bothered to read it.” Wow. I did get an email from a professor lauding this little guy.

I hate the phrase “a big [band name] kick.”

There really weren’t enough pro-cannibalism editorials in The Hilltop News.

3. Who is A. J. Heschel and why should I care what he thinks? “Our energies are too abundant for living indifferently,” is the quote that appears on the back of the 2003 service learning t-shirt. The quote is attributed to an A. J. Heschel. Now, if this Heschel character were in any kind of position to be evaluating the quantification of our energies, perhaps we would be wise to listen to his recommendations for the delineation of said energies. However, an Energy Department bureaucrat he is not. He is a Rabbi. I looked it up. Not that I have anything against Rabbi, but asking one’s opinion on the abundance of natural resources is like asking me my thoughts on flying a jet. All I’m really saying here is that even though it is a thought-provoking quote and gets service-learning’s point across, it is still just an opinion.

Pedantic! John was the first to point out that the Rabbi probably wasn’t talking about natural gas reserves. By the way, I really don’t have any thoughts on flying a jet.

4. Recently, I attended Kappa Delta’s fall semi-formal, entitled “Steak Fry.” I had a great time and all, but the name of the event does lead to some minor disappointments. It’s not that I was so much counting on encountering steaks either fried or in the process of frying, but I somewhat subconsciously expected some type of beef to be present in a fried form. It wasn’t really until the ride home that I realized the enormity of the misnomer. Calling the party “Steak Fry” is about as accurate as calling it “Kappa Delta’s Sobriety-Fest.”

I take it all back. There was no debauchery. Punch was served.

Two angry emails and one mostly civilized phone call from the prez are testament to the fact that if you mess with KD, you get the horns. Tensions eased quickly though and one of the enraged emailers actually apologized at a later KD function.

Also too, I wasn’t being a smart ass, it actually didn’t occur to me that “Steak Fry” refers to those big French fries that come with steaks and not an event where steaks are fried.

5. “Alabama’s the best defense in the country? They didn’t seem like the best defense in the country.”
- Auburn’s 16th string tailback Tre Smith who ran for 126 yards against the Tide

White guy. He never really did anything ever again. Except flip into the end zone and somehow not get flagged.

3E approves.

Ah, teachers

The HeliOS Project builds and donates computers with Linux to kids who can't afford them. One student related to the project showed some friends at school.
After confiscating the disks I called a confrence with the student and that is how I came to discover you and your organization. Mr. Starks, I am sure you strongly believe in what you are doing but I cannot either support your efforts or allow them to happen in my classroom. At this point, I am not sure what you are doing is legal. No software is free and spreading that misconception is harmful. These children look up to adults for guidance and discipline. I will research this as time allows and I want to assure you, if you are doing anything illegal, I will pursue charges as the law allows.
More and more.

Johnny Cash to finish the week


Desperate to hold on to something, to gain some purchase, Clive started to keep a journal, first on scraps of paper, then in a notebook. But his journal entries consisted, essentially, of the statements “I am awake” or “I am conscious,” entered again and again every few minutes. He would write: “2:10 P.M: This time properly awake. . . . 2:14 P.M: this time finally awake. . . . 2:35 P.M: this time completely awake,” along with negations of these statements: “At 9:40 P.M. I awoke for the first time, despite my previous claims.” This in turn was crossed out, followed by “I was fully conscious at 10:35 P.M., and awake for the first time in many, many weeks.” This in turn was cancelled out by the next entry.

This dreadful journal, almost void of any other content but these passionate assertions and denials, intending to affirm existence and continuity but forever contradicting them, was filled anew each day, and soon mounted to hundreds of almost identical pages. It was a terrifying and poignant testament to Clive’s mental state, his lostness, in the years that followed his amnesia—a state that Deborah, in Miller’s film, called “a never-ending agony.”
The rest.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

3E's Auburn football coaching endorsement: preliminary

Here's my list, in order of preference, for the next head football coach at Auburn. Bold indicates that they have officially or are strongly rumored to have been interviewed/contacted for the job. An asterisk* indicates that they are not apparently a serious candidate. I have included everyone that has been contacted or considered (this does not, it seems, include Nutt, God be praised).

This first group is, I think, outstanding, and I would be pretty happy with any of them. Any of them except perhaps for Strong will also do a lot to settle talk of Auburn trading down from Tuberville (which is a rightly a concern).

---Mike Leach, Texas Tech head coach*: Ok so Auburn basically told him to shove off, and he shouldn't be on my list. But so what? He's a great coach, and Auburn's administration is foolish for not pursuing him. If nothing else, Auburn won't get worse, and it would be a lot more interesting to watch in several (generally good) ways. What Leach has done at Texas Tech is the equivalent of making South Carolina or Kentucky a national title contender in the mid- to late-1990s, when Spurrier and Fulmer were at their peaks. He's young enough, and if he can do as much better at Auburn as the higher talent possibilities should allow, he'll have Auburn at least in national title talk. If he's willing to hire a capable defensive coordinator and let him recruit what he needs (Tubby's available!), the sky is the limit.
---Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech head coach: If Leach is 1 in my book, Johnson is 1A. I don't know if he's a candidate or not, but I hope he is. He just got to Tech, and the ACC is ripe for the picking right now. Unlike Leach, who all but begged for the job, Johnson will be tough to get. But like Leach, he runs an unconventional offense about as well as possible, and he's been a winner everywhere he's been. More so! Johnson's record is shockingly good, and if he ran a West Coast or pro style or even spread offense, he'd already be somewhere big time. Also, if you want to salve the wounds among Auburn fans about the spread, what better way to do it than with the triple option? Pat Dye would collapse in orgasm every game.
---Turner Gill, Buffalo head coach: He doesn't have the experience Kelly does, but everything I see about Gill seems to indicate he's one of those natural leaders who succeeds because people respect him, admire him, and want to work harder for him. He took over arguably the worst program in the country and made them respectable. For six years, Buffalo was never favored by the bookies to win a single game, and now they're MAC Champions. Of Auburn's current list of official contacts, he's easily the best.
---Brian Kelly, Cincinnati head coach*: He's the JCCW favorite, which carries a lot of weight with me. Kelly has won everywhere he's been and has tons of experience, plus he's got the chops on both sides of the ball.
---Charlie Strong, Florida defensive coordinator*: I would prefer a guy with experience as a head coach. That said, if we're going to get an assistant, outside of Will Muschamp (who is not coming), I think Strong is the best shot in the country. His defenses are always solid or better, and he's considered a great recruiter. This doesn't always mean anything, but Florida's linebackers (the position he coaches) have been great.

The next two are less impressive. If Auburn actually gets any of them, I'll be mostly disappointed but willing to wait and see.

---Brady Hoke, Ball State head coach: A good run lately, but Ball State fans don't seem to think he is anything special, so neither do I.
---Jimbo Fisher, FSU offensive coordinator/coach in waiting*: He's apparently not coming, and I am glad. Jimbo has never shown that he can get more with less, which is basically the job description at Auburn, where you play at least three or four teams a year with better natural recruiting situations. Plus, we don't know if he's a good recruiter or not (although I'm sure he would do fine.

None of the rest should be the next head coach at Auburn.

---Derek Dooley, Louisiana Tech head coach: He is 12-12 at Louisiana Tech. I need a little more than that. Dooley, Garner, and Nix all appear to be courtesy interviews.
---Rodney Garner, Georgia assistant/recruiting coordinator: I think he would be a great defensive coordinator and recruiting coordinator under whoever the new guy is, but he's not ready for prime time.
---Patrick Nix, Miami offensive coordinator: I really liked him as a quarterback, but let's face it, his Miami offenses have not been setting the world on fire. If Garner and Nix are serious candidates, Auburn is about to make Alabama's last ten years of turmoil look insignificant by comparison.
---Todd Graham, Tulsa head coach: A Petrino-esque jerk that's not good enough to be worth hiring a dickhole for. Plus I think Malzahn is the real star of that outfit.

What can we take from this little exercise? Few of the best picks (in my eyes) are being seriously considered, and one of them was never given a real shot. Also, the Auburn administration seems to be using this process to boost the coaching prestige of a few alums and their family members. That's not a good sign.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Insider info

With the bailout coming, I talked to a guy in the know regarding the problem with American automobiles. Here's what he said:
Yeah, I mean over the phone, yeah. He says that it sounded like my hobbit that turns the crank case is depressed and needs therapy. We need get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time. Land beyond time is also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator. I ain't even gonna tell ya about that haunted air conditioner. Plus, the air filter? That's made of plutonium. That's gonna involve Superman, so ... ya know, plus shipping from Krypton. And the cow ... jumped over the moon.

I still want one of those cards

"We were in Fenway Park and I had just taken my first round of BP. I threw my bat to the third base side and strolled around the bases. When I was coming back, right before I got up to hit again, I remember a guy tapping me on the shoulder asking if he could take my picture. Never once did I think about it. I posed for the shot and he took it."

So it was not intentional.

Funny cause it's true

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Monday, December 08, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 10/16/2002

Still published regularly. Charles, you were ten times the editor I was. Also ten times the man. Fattie. As for this little article we have here: Noteworthy? NO. Perfunctory? Oh, balls yes.

1. I don’t care about anything substantial. I was trying to write about something serious and with some relevance to world events and the pressing concerns that universally challenge humanity. Then I realized that I don’t really care enough about any of that to actually write about it. I mean, is my primary news source. I also realize that probably a lot of people don’t want to hear a random, sarcastic, math major give his two cents about anything that requires a keen social conscience. So here’s your usual, expected, batch of trivial BS.

So I’ve moved from bragging about writing bullshit to bemoaning it. I think I was in an especially sour mood while writing this. Update: I still don’t care! I hate when people refer to themselves as “sarcastic” and also when they identify themselves by his or her major.

2. Why is it that the people use the term “sub-par” as a negative identifier, when in golf, where the term originated, being below par is the desired result?

Identifier? Am I on the right track with that?

3. I like the BCS. For those of you who don’t know, the BCS is a college football ranking system that takes into account a variety of factors from schedule strength to a battery of computer-created polls. It is designed to create a season ending match-up of the two most deserving college football teams. Of course, the system is not perfect, but the final champion (although not always the final two competing teams) of it has, so far, been an acceptable one. In its 4 years of existence it has created a unanimous national champion who very few can argue with as being the best team in the land. Those of you moaning for a playoff system would very rarely be able to say that if such a system were implemented. Does anybody really think that the Patriots were the best team in the NFL last year? I hope not. Or take a look at this year’s baseball playoffs. The Angels, the 3rd best team in the AL are in the World Series and will be playing the Giants, the 4th best team in the NL. Neither of these teams even won their divisions and now they will be playing for a world championship. These are the kind of undeserving champion situations that a playoff system can produce. It can be even worse in the NBA and NHL where 16 teams, about half of the respective leagues, get to the playoffs and can theoretically win a championship. This is ridiculous. Thank God for college football, where the season itself is like a single-elimination playoff.

I’m still okey-dokey with the BCS.

4. Only juniors and seniors will remember this, but wasn’t it great when we could serve ourselves in Norton Campus Center Cafeteria? (“The caf” you say? I’ll call it “the caf” right after I call my mailbox combination my “combo” and coat my head with cherry grenadine and stick it in an ant hill.) Remember getting exactly how much of everything you wanted and having it exactly where you wanted it on your plate? Freshmen and Sophomores, I’m sorry you’ll never know the proud food service institution that we were once so lucky to have the honor of frequenting. And now I’m going to cheat you all by ending my article after only 4 partitions. I wonder if they’ll still title it “Five Things.”

Take that, establishment! I don’t have the balls to pull off a stunt like this anymore.

I still hate it when any person refers to any cafeteria as "the caf."

Did you know that the word "grenadine" comes from the French word "grenade" which means "pomegranate?"

Pleased to meet you -- hope you guess my name

First, television does a lot of our predatory human research for us. American human beings are a slippery and protean bunch, in real life, as hard to get any kind of univocal handle on as a literary territory that's gone from Darwinianly naturalistic to cybernetically post-postmodern in eighty years. But television comes equipped with just such a syncretic handle. If we want to know what American normality is - what Americans want to regard as normal - we can trust television. For television's whole raison is reflecting what people want to see. It's a mirror. Not the Stendhalian mirror reflecting the blue sky and mud puddle. More like the overlit bathroom mirror before which the teenager monitors his biceps and determines his better profile. This kind of window on nervous American self-perception is just invaluable, fictionwise. And writers can have faith in television. There is a lot of money at stake, after all; and television retains the best demographers applied social science has to offer, and these researchers can determine precisely what Americans in 1990 are, want, see: what we as Audience want to see ourselves as. Television, from the surface on down, is about desire. Fictionally speaking, desire is the sugar in human food.

The second great thing is that television looks to be an absolute godsend for a human subspecies that loves to watch people but hates to be watched itself. For the television screen affords access only one way. A psychic ball-check valve. We can see Them; They can't see Us. We can relax, unobserved, as we ogle. I happen to believe this is why television also appeals so much to lonely people. To voluntary shut-ins. Every lonely human I know watches way more than the average U.S. six hours a day. The lonely, like the fictional, love one-way watching. For lonely people are usually lonely not because of hideous deformity or odor or obnoxiousness - in fact there exist today social and support groups for persons with precisely these features. Lonely people tend rather to be lonely because they decline to bear the emotional costs associated with being around other humans. They are allergic to people. People affect them too strongly. Let's call the average U.S. lonely person Joe Briefcase. Joe Briefcase just loathes the strain of the self-consciousness which so oddly seems to appear only when other real human beings are around, staring, their human sense-antennae abristle. Joe B. fears how he might appear to watchers. He sits out the stressful U.S. game of appearance poker.

But lonely people, home, alone, still crave sights and scenes. Hence television. Joe can stare at Them, on the screen; They remain blind to Joe. It's almost like voyeurism. I happen to know lonely people who regard television as a veritable deus ex machina for voyeurs. And a lot of the criticism, the really rabid criticism less leveled than sprayed at networks, advertisers, and audiences alike, has to do with the charge that television has turned us into a nation of sweaty, slack-jawed voyeurs. This charge turns out to be untrue, but for weird reasons.
David Foster Wallace, E Unibus Pluram (long PDF)

The Kinks start the week

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 10/03/2002

Ah, unconventional formats. The beginning of my experimentational period (read: starting to get tired of writing these things every few weeks). The overlying theme here: when I try to actually say something, I come off as a turd. The best shit is the shit that don't make sense.

1. Writing “5 Things” is a pretty sweet deal. I get paid 15 dollars to write 500 words about whatever I want to, divided into 5 sections. Like this “thing” I’m writing right now, this random, non-socially conscious, insubstantial, meaningless, incoherent “thing”… its earning me 3 dollars. I’m not informing you of anything, I’m not giving you tips to make any household chore easier, I’m not helping you with consumer concerns, I’m not making you laugh, I’m not entertaining you at all, really. I’m writing about getting paid 3 dollars and getting paid 3 dollars for it. Now that’s your tuition in action.

It's surprising that I made it to the fourth article before I got so blatantly self-aware. I still hadn't grasped the its/it's distinction. I just hope my bucolic rapist of an editor caught it.

2. Me: Charles, can I write a pro-marijuana article?
Charles: Yes, assuming its not, “oh man…joint…rock on!”
Me: Well, I guess I’ll have to rewrite that.
Charles: Excellent, dude.

Things I like about this: 1) I think this exact conversation actually happened. 2) I think we were both sitting at our computer desks and just yelling down the hall. 3) The idea (not true, sadly) that I had just written a stoner's ode to weed.

3. I think that a lot of people make marijuana out to be a lot worse than it really is. I wouldn’t say that I’m an avid supporter of the legalization of pot, but I definitely don’t believe that it falls into the same category (danger-wise) with other drugs like cocaine or heroin. I think it is stupid to have pre-formed conceptions of someone who smokes marijuana as a “pot-head” or believe that the fact that a person smokes marijuana in any way affects the quality of an individual’s character or morality. There is a difference between drug use and drug abuse. Sure, if someone lets marijuana become too large a part of his or her life, it can have negative effects. The key is self-control. It’s easy with things that aren’t all that much of an immediately gratifying experience like, say, brushing your teeth. If you brush your teeth too much, your gums will bleed all over the place. But nobody brushes their teeth to the point of excess because nobody gets their jollies from some Aqua-fresh and a Crest spin-brush.


4. Getting your picture taken is a lot more fun for all parties involved if you make robot noises when the photographer tells you to adjust yourself for the camera.

Now I'm stealing material from my brother. The noises are fun, though.

5. An average Friday night in North suite 3E:
2:05pm: get back from class; play 26 games of minesweeper.
2:16pm: reminded by Charles that my column is due at 6:00.
2:17pm: remind Charles that I already submitted my column the night before.
2:22pm: Charles asks me what he should write his editorial about.
2:22pm: echo Charles’s question with contemplative, “What should you write your editorial about?”
2:22pm: Charles asks me if he stuttered.
2:22pm: echo Charles’s question with contemplative, “Did you stutter?”
2:23pm: begin trying to play Gamecube.
2:46pm: realize that we don’t own any Gamecube games.
2:51pm: stop trying to play Gamecube.
2:52pm: play 2,567 more games of minesweeper.
3:01am: realize that its 3:01am.
3:01am: realize that I mentioned Charles 9 times in my column.
3:02am: go to bed.

Charlie getting name-dropped like never before.

Do you see what I did there? It took me 23 minutes to realize we don't have any games and then another 5 to actually stop trying to play them. Also, that conversation is totally accurate. This was clearly pre "Party God Would Throw" because after that, our Friday nights were mostly bitches and cars.

comics I like


A penguin classic


Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 09/18/2002

I fogot how often the "paper" was "published" during this "era." For the most part, not bad. But then it comes crashing down at the end. Maybe it's just recent events casting a pall, but more likely it's just bad writing and a fundamental misunderstanding of Auburn's place in the college football world.

1. Someone, for the love of God, please delete minesweeper from my computer. This seemingly innocent little game has probably consumed more of my time over the last two semesters than all of my classes combined.

Seriously, please. Update: I still play minesweeper 20 - 25 times a day. My scores are pretty good, but it's a testament to my laziness and complacency that they aren't better.

2. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the improved deli. Usually, I believe everything I see on television, but I was always skeptical of those Quizno’s commercials trying to convince me that a light oven toasting could make my submarine sandwiches taste better. I always knew that questioning things was wrong, but this time the only punishment was having the delicious truth shoved down my throat on a 6-inch hoagie with a lukewarm layer of roast beef, salami, and Monterey jack.

Originally, it said "humping each other's legs." This is the second dig at the Elton B. Stephens Science Center. Learn your lesson, BSC administration: you can spend a billion dollars building them, but you can't stop me from tearing them down...WITH WORDS! I was thinking the other day about how awesome those spinach wraps were. Of the two ironic "think for yourself" comments, I really like "I always knew that questioning things was wrong..." Also too, phallic imagery! Durrrty.

3. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the icee machine. I mean, everyone, at one point in his or her life, has been eating some blue raspberries and been like “Wow, this is pretty good, but I really wish I could mash these into a liquid and squirt it into a cup full of finely crushed ice!” I’d like to think that the SGA had something to do with this, branching out from their usual schedule of figuring out where to put the next bench on campus.

I like the repetition at the beginning. The icee bit is stupid but I bring it all back together nicely with EAT IT, STUDENT GOVERNMENT ASSOCIATION! I stole the bench joke from the Juicebot, so really it's not that cool but BOOM MOTHERFUCKER! NOTHING IS SACRED!

4. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the newly renovated Bill and Lyndra Daniel Residence Hall (although it will always be North in our hearts). Aside from the apparent construction rule that you can only use extremely loud equipment before 8 o’clock in the morning, living in North is pretty sweet (no I’m not going to make that stupid pun that was made at least 16 times by everyone I know before I even moved into my suite). I have my own (reasonably large-ish) room, a big common room, separate toilet and shower rooms, and a thermostat I can adjust (for now). It really is cool, so if you haven’t seen it drop by a suite in the new Sigma Chi house…I mean North dorm.

I like the repetition at the beginning. However, I immensely regret bitching about construction noise. Also, the sweet/suite thing was handled the worst possible way. Either ignore it completely or embrace it wholeheartedly. I just came off as an idiot. That said, I bring it all back together at the end with IN YOUR FACE, SIGMA CHI! Seriously, why couldn't they get their house built on time? Also too, the paranoia was unwarranted. Until the day I moved out, I could adjust the thermostat.

5. Question: What do the Alabama Crimson Tide and England have in common? Answer: They’re both a fading power cowering behind prestigious histories. Just like those blimey wankers on the other side of the pond hide behind Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, and Led Zeppelin so does Big Al hide behind Bear Bryant, Joe Namath, and Jay Barker. Who really thinks Coach “Fran” could hold water against Bear Bryant? And don’t get me started on Tyler Watts. At least Watts’ high school receiver Bill Flowers had the sense to play for a program on the rise at Ole Miss. Don’t bring up your national championship in the 90’s either; Auburn’s had an undefeated one in the last decade too.
So basically ‘Bama sucks and War Damn Eagle.

One of the worst things ever. Ever. I hate every single word written here. I would pick apart every detail I regret about writing this, but my tears are already making it hard to see the screen. I did get some feedback from it, though. In the form of one Brent Pritchard. He agreed with the part about England and now I just feel bad for dragging England into all of this. Calling this "tripe" besmirches the good name of tripe.