Tuesday, March 31, 2009

a little feedback


Few among 3E remember that Chucko got an adjunct teaching position at BSC for a brief period in the summer of '05. Looks like the reviews were mixed.

Calvin and Hobbes

Whoever created this: bravo, sir.

3E Trading Cards


We watched Alien and Aliens this weekend. Both very good, but in different ways. Anywho, I can't really take the original scene seriously since seeing Spaceballs.

Gobstopper: The Movie

I still think this is a real movie.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Owen Fulrice Project

So, back when people got on the internet using phone lines and dial tones, AOL had a feature called Hecklers Online. It was pretty good. This was the high times of the mid-1990s, when if you wanted to open a web page, you better have a magazine or short novel to read while it loads. If you wanted something that took less than twenty minutes to load, you had to go through AOL's exclusive small content partners. Most of these were forgettable, but Hecklers Online was big and varied The HO Mailbag was always interesting, and some of the games were fun (my personal favorites were the Random Game and especially Three Line Novels, probably because it was the only one I ever won). It is dead now. They tried to offer content with Playboy, but that didn't end up working out, and now they're gone.

The best part of HO was Just Ask Owen, which started in the mid-late 1990s, a question and answer column written by Owen Fulrice (he went out of his way to assert that it was not and advice column). Just Ask Owen was awesome -- insightful, well-read, biting, intellectual, hilarious. It was the highlight of my week when a new Just Ask Owen came out. I don't know if Owen was a real person or not. It was a fake name, but hints of a life story indicated he was in his mid-50s, with a PhD in philosophy.

It appears that much of Owen's work is lost, at least to internet searchers like me. This guy (who is the same as this guy?) used to have some of it, but that seems to be gone. Some of it is available at the Internet Archive, God bless them, but much is missing. Still, it does have an enormous Best of Just Ask Owen.

Hopefully, when this post is added to the single digit number of search responses for "Owen Fulrice," Owen will see it, and come tell us why he left.

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

Welcome back, "Boils" and "Ghouls!" It's been so long since we've "spook"-en! Tonight's tale is forged in the fires of Hell itself: The Birmingham Vulcans!

The successors to the Birmingham Americans were known for hammering the competition!

The Vulcans struck with the strength of a hammer, their opponents were the anvil... and were in need of Advil!

Because the Vulcans were sooooo dominant, they were awarded the 1976 title without even a challenge from any other teams and then the entire league folded out of sheer fright! (or it was a financial thing, I'm not a historian.)

Two seasons, two teams, two titles, too terrifying!

*maniacal cackling*

Jingle Jangle Jewelry

Still Tasty

This is a bit more practical than we usually roll around here, but Still Tasty is fantastically useful.

To make up for it.


Over the next few weeks, my thoughts often drifted to the advertisements I had seen in airline magazines, in which trim and cheerful secretaries effortlessly produced documents by typing in front of computer screens. Were these devices real? I checked with a salesman for a company called Lanier and discovered that while their word-processing system, called "No Problem," was quite real, it cost some $15,000. If I had drawn a pie chart representing my annual income, No Problem would have been a very large piece of pie. I called Wang, Digital Equipment, and some of the other big-name manufacturers and got roughly the same news. If I called the same manufacturers today, I'd hear much more encouraging news, but my options were to start writing shorter articles, go into hock, or take my chances again with Darlene.

The way out of my dilemma came from an unexpected quarter. My father-in-law often dealt with inventors who put together computer systems to monitor various industrial processes, and he thought that one of them might have the answer. On his advice, I followed a trail of leads and suggestions that eventually led me to a converted church in the farmlands of central Ohio. There, Bill Cavage, Marv Monroe, and Bill Jones, three young engineers doing business as the Optek Corporation, tinkered with disk drives, photo-sensors, and other devices in hopes of making the big sale. Optek's specialty is making machines like the one they produce for drug companies, which counts pills as they pass by at a rate of 24,000 per minute and kicks out any bottles that receive the wrong number of pills. For men who can do all this, I thought, turning a small computer into a word-processing system should be a cinch.

For a while, I was a little worried about what they would come up with, especially after my father-in-law called to ask how important it was that I be able to use both upper- and lower-case letters. But finally, for a total of about $4,000, Optek gave me the machinery I have used happily to this day.
-James Fallows, "Living with a Computer," The Atlantic, July 1982

Monday Morning Wood

E-Dush makes her second appearance. Just repeat to yourself: "She's probably a soul-sucking, high-maintenance bitch in real life."

Sunday, March 29, 2009

If this doesn't make you giggle, you are a soulless robot and we have nothing in common.

Plus, I think King of the Hill might be funny if it had Phil Hartman's voice in it. Honest to God, KING OF THE HILL!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Graduate School Pseudofiction

6:30 AM. Darkened office. Graduate Student A enters, turns on the lights. Graduate Student B sits in a swiveling office chair.

Graduate Student A: Wow. I'm not doing the shots. I told you not to show up.

Graduate Student B: I know, it's a really bad idea. Good story, though.

Graduate Student B lights a menthol cigarette, inhales, coughs.

Graduate Student A: You started smoking? When?

Graduate Student B: Last night. I'm trying to quit, though.

Graduate Student A: What?

Graduate Student B: We both know why I'm here.

Graduate Student A: No we don't. I mean, I guess we do, but it's not really worth saying so ominously.

Graduate Student B: We don't have to drink this.

Graduate Student B produces what appears to be a bottle filled with water.

Graduate Student A: What is that?

Graduate Student B: Rum. And vodka... mixed.

Graduate Student A: Did you take that from my house?

Graduate Student B: Yeah. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Graduate Student A: Not really.

Graduate Student B: Apparently not.

Graduate Student A: Okay, yeah, we definitely don't need to drink that. I have to teach in 25 minutes.

Graduate Student B: I just wanted you to know I was serious.

Graduate Student A: Yeah, I realize that. You win.

Graduate Student B: I know. And you know what else? It's up to you whether anyone else even knows I was here. We can say I didn't show and that will be that.

Graduate Student A: I don't care. I'll say you were here and I wouldn't do the shots, it actually reflects pretty well on me.

Graduate Student B: Then I guess I'll do the shots.

Graduate Student B takes a significant sip from the bottle.

Graduate Student A: Come on.

Graduate Student B: Otherwise it wouldn't reflect well on me.

Graduate Student A: You're pretty worried about what people think of you.


Graduate Student B: I'm all about appearances. So what's it gonna be? What am I going to say when people start showing up in a few hours? Your call.

Graduate Student A: Tell them the truth. Do the shots, I don't care, you called me on this. You win.


Graduate Student B: I know.

Graduate Student A: Have you been up all night?


Graduate Student B: Yeah, smoking. Also energy drinks. I watched The Royal Tenenbaums. Did you know that's Gene Hackman's character's name? Last chance, do you want any of this?

Graduate Student A: No, I'm okay.

extended gulp.

Graduate Student B: You are okay. You're actually alright. I thought you were a dickweed the first time I heard you talk.

Graduate Student B discards the empty bottle.

Graduate Student A: Yeah, I've heard this story. Look, there's something I have to go do.

Graduate Student B: Your morning shit. I know. I'll call you when you get in there.

Graduate Student A: Don't do that.

Graduate Student B: Then I'll just come with you.


Graduate Student A: This is weird.

Graduate Student B: I guess.

office. 15 minutes later.

Graduate Student A: I don't know why you're telling me this.

Graduate Student B: Probably because I just drank a water bottle filled with liquor.

Graduate Student A: Whatever, I have to teach now. Stay away from my wife.

Graduate Student B: I'm coming to your class.

Graduate Student A: Whatever.


comics I like

Buttersafe, which is more miss than I hit, but every now and then it has a winner.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Re: Flags

Apparently the flag isn't the only thing great about Russia's Yaroslavl Oblast. And I'm not talking about its reasonable proximity to both(!) Moscow and the artist formerly known as Leningrad.

From Wikipedia (natch):

"A great number of wild birds live and nest in the Oblast.
In cities, most common birds are pigeons, jackdaws, hooded crows, rooks, house sparrows, and great tits."


This would have made Watchmen so much better.

From here.

Also: this.

This maybe should have been a Comics I Like. We'll stop there.

Crazies Face-Off: Not Really

What's the point of a face-off? Mean Gene Ray's just going to win it. Still, this person deserves a holler. I have a few questions, though. Who is this person and why did he just send his REAL STORY ABOUT THE BIBLE AND EVOLUTION to this website? Whatevs. The whole thing can be seen at the link, but I've hit a few of the high notes here.

The following story is what I believe to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about the Bible and Evolution. In the beginning God created the Heavens and the earth and all the animals upon the earth. Then he created a Garden of Eden in which he created man from the dust. And he called this man Adam. Then God saw that Adam was lonely so he put Adam to sleep and he took one of Adam’s ribs and he created a woman and he called this woman Eve.

So far so good, pretty typical creationist yarn...

God did not give them power to have sex and create. Because that would be evil and bad. God did not give Adam the power to have sex with his own flesh. God is a God of goodness not evil. They had no knowledge of kissing or sex.

Oh, I see...

Now the way it happened was Adam had sex with his own flesh because she was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. Now that would be worse than worse than incest and they would create closer than closer than closer flesh. Now we are still the same way because people still create birthdefects and deformaties. Here are just a few examples. The blind, deaf, handicapped, mentally retarded, gays, lesbians, shemales, morfadites, transvestites, midgets, giants, murderers, childmolestors and many more. So we are still the same now.

Damn morfadites...

Now everyone believes that Jesus came from God.

Well that’s not true. Jesus came from Mary having sex with a Roman soldier while Joseph was off fighting in a war. She lied to save her own life. Back then if a woman got pregnant and she wasn’t married they would stone her to death. So she lied and said that Jesus came from God. When Jesus grew up he found out the truth from the Priests and at 33 he came out and found 12 single virgins like him and he tried to tell everyone that in the eyes of God they were all brothers and sisters and they were committing incest by getting married.

Still not really into xtracrzy territory just yet, but here we go...

Now long before Jesus was born the white people created what they believed to be birthdefects. They looked different from the whites. Everytime one was born the whites would cut the nerves in the tongue so they couldn’t speak. They would grow them up and use them as slaves. The reason they cut their tongues was because the whites were afraid these people might plan some kind of over throw. So as long as they could understand english they didn’t have to speak english. So after a while they had a work force of several thousand workers. so what happened was these people simply got tired of being slaves and they ran off around the world and started their own countries.

When these people left there was a large group of men who took off and ended up in Africa. Some of these men went to Borneo and caught female Orangutans and sailed across to South America and had sex with the female Orangutans and created the Indian. And the men who stayed in Africa caught female Gorillas and had sex with them and created the Black man. When scientists found the bones they thought we came from a female Chimpanzee.

But it wasn’t a natural evolution it was a man made evolution. That’s where Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Orangutan man, Yeti and the Skunk Ape comes from. They are half man and half Gorilla and half man and half Orangutan. They use to call the American Indian the red man. The Orangutan has reddish or orange hair. When those men bred out the hair the Indian’s skin remained red. The Gorilla has black hair and skin. When those men bred out the hair the Black man’s skin remained black.

Yeah, that's better. He goes on to reference one of the lesser known land-bridges...

The wooly mammoth was just a group of elephant that happened to wonder into the United States at the top of Africa when they were connected. They grew long hair to protect them against the cold.

And there you have it. He would lose to Dr. Ray if for no other reason than the mind-blowing restraint he shows in not even trying to explain dinosaurs.


Via the Nepali Community [?] blog, a ranking of the ten best flags from around the world. The Nepalese blogger guy thinks the Nepalese flag should be on there, but he's wrong; the thin blue banner is not terribly attractive, and the design doesn't make much sense, repetitive but not symmetrical or appealing. Considering the enormity of the undertaking , this ranking turned out pretty good. Except for Kyrgyzstan and perhaps Nunavut, they all deserve consideration. Some of my favorites: I am quite partial to the Gadsden flag (which should be much higher on the list) for both historical and ideological reasons. It should be the official flag of the United States. I also like the North Caucasian Emirate. It's a smiley face! I don't think I've ever seen another one in a flag, although it only lasted three years so maybe too friendly a flag encouraged its enemies. Their number one selection, from the Russian province of Yaroslavl Oblast, is a solid choice. That is one tight axe-bear. I don't know of another flag that has any animal holding a weapon on it, much less the mighty bear.

It's unfortunate that most state flags in the United States aren't very good. Too many of them are just the state seal on a field of blue, although that worked well for the state flag of Virginia(which has a boob and a dead tyrant). Even worse, some have the name of the state on them. Very gauche, and it kind of defeats the purpose of having a flag in the first place though again an exception must be made, this time for California. Too bad it's bear is not holding an axe. What can I say? I'm partial to bears.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, did you know the back of Oregon's flag has a beaver on it? It does! Other than that, nothing special -- it's just the seal (and a poorly detailed rendition at that) with the state name and the year of statehood.

Here's one they missed that I like a lot, although I think the Gadsden Flag covers a lot of the same territory:

Anti-Abstinence Race: And them I'm like, yeah, Becky.

If you have an assortment of drinks in yo' fridge, it's gonna open up the world.

BAM hit them little niggas with a freeze pop!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

3E Presents: Catchph... Haiku Friday!

You want to be the coolest cat on the block? You've got to have a haiku! With the weekend coming up, 3E is here to help. Whenever one of your friends or someone on the street or in a hovel asks you for a haiku, just tell them:

"a funny story"

fly away in peace
little birdie, oh wait, i
smashed your skull with brick.

Be the most transcendental dude around this Friday, 'cause it's Haiku Friday!

Haiku lifted from Wes's Haiku Masquerade.

Mickey dance!

My favorite YouTube comment: "Mickey served the hell out of that kid! MAKE YOUR MOVE, BOY!" Yes he did. Yes he did.

Generic gin is the worst kind of generic liquor

It's an old video but I think it still speaks to many of the issues of our time

Tha Captainz first attempt at BLOG: 01/17/05, 01/21/05, 01/26/05


17th-Jan-2005 08:08 pm - hey fuckbags
hey you rich assholes! you don't even know who i am! i'm benjamin disraeli! and if you don't know what i'm talking about you're either an asshole or you're worse! so just go away and don't try to learn my identity anymore!

...and sober:

21st-Jan-2005 12:02 am - all apologies, superfriends.
i want to apologize profusely for the tone which i lambasted you all with the other night. now, with that out of the way...

  • Mood:ambulatory

...and could very well be either:

26th-Jan-2005 05:05 pm - there's a tear in my beer
hey there gumshoes! a few of you thought you had cornered this wily badger and unearthed my mysterious secret identity. however, those of us in the know know that that isn't true. now, how many sentences have you seen with one pair of the same word right after another pair? a clue? maybe...

until next time, squirt-fans...


The 14th Lord Berners, Gerald Tyrwhitt-Wilson (1883-1950), was either eccentric or poetic-minded — he used to dye the pigeons at his Faringdon manor house so that when released they became, in Nancy Mitford's phrase, "a cloud of confetti in the sky."

Berners also installed a piano in his Rolls Royce, and he once received Penelope Betjeman's horse into his drawing room for tea — but Britons generally found his oddities endearing, and pastel pigeons still flock through the town square at Faringdon, a tradition kept in his memory.
From Futility Closet, which is worth checking out and has a cool name.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Fill out a bracket that REALLY matters

I've got nothing to do this afternoon...

From this fine, reputable websaht.

One of the most bizarre things I have ever seen

So let me share it with you:

It's just like watching a trailer for Metal Gear Solid 4 but starring those Blockbuster commercial pets from a few years back. Bet you didn't expect to see the oft-parodied freeze-frame-and-sudden-change-to-graphic-background character introductions with GD MILITARY BUNNIES today, did you?
I both laughed and cringed.

The REAL reason only 56 countries have recognized your independence...

Dear Kosovo,

No one is going to take this seriously. Try again.

Other Countries


Last Exit to Nowhere sells t-shirts for fictional companies. Very cool idea. My favorite:

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Tuesdays with John

A play in one act

[SCENE: a suburban chain coffee shop, empty except for the BARISTA behind the counter - an extremely pleasant, college-aged woman wearing an apron.]

[enter: JOHN]


BARISTA: Welcome to The Daily Grind, America's third-fastest growing coffee chain! How can I help you?


BARISTA: Um, okay. Would you like something to drink? We're famous for our fresh ground coffee!


BARISTA: Absolutely! We use only the finest Arabica.


BARISTA: No, no, sir, it's the species of coffee plant it comes from. It's not from anywhere in Arabia.


BARISTA: It's fair trade coffee from from Central America!


BARISTA: Oh, I'm sorry sir -- I guess you don't want a cappuccino then, either.


BARISTA: Maybe you'd like some hot tea? Our most popular blend is English Breakfast.


BARISTA: Great! I'll go get that started. But did you want something to eat? If so, a bagel might hit the spot, and we've got six --


BARISTA: Or, uh, we've got some grilled panini sandwiches.

JOHN [looking faint, leaning against the counter for support]: MORE PAPISTS IN THIS FAIR LAND!

BARISTA: Er, it's a little late in the day, but we've got these new breakfast quesadillas --

JOHN: [vomits]

BARISTA: Oh my God! Are you alright?


BARISTA: Yes sir! I'm afraid all we've got out right now is lemon poppy-seed.


BARISTA: Um, let me check in the back to see if we've got any blueberry.


[exit: BARISTA]


[enter: EVE MENDEZ with two BODYGUARDS]


EVE MENDEZ: John, is that you?


EVE MENDEZ: John, you look good! How are things going?


EVE MENDEZ: Oh wow, how exciting!


EVE MENDEZ: That sound fascinating! We need to get together some time so you can tell me more about it.


EVE MENDEZ: Oh, John, I feel awful about that every day. I really believed I was just going to the restroom. You know how things are. I never meant to hurt you. I certainly didn't want you to wait all night for me.


EVE MENDEZ: But we had some fun, didn't we? Wait here, let me go order my coffee.


EVE MENDEZ [writing something on a piece of paper]: I'm shooting a Orangina ad this month in town. This is the number where I'll be staying. Give me a call! We can have dinner, drinks. Maybe even [lowering her voice and leaning toward John seductively] another night in the hot tub.


[JOHN shoves EVE MENDEZ to the ground]

EVE MENDEZ: What! How dare you! Leo, Toots, show this guy some manners!

[the two BODYGUARDS begin to beat JOHN in the kidneys]


[enter: BARISTA]

BARISTA: We were out of English Breakfast, so I made you some Indian spice chai. I hope that's alright! Sir?


3E approves

Fill out a bracket that matters.

...or at least the half of it that isn't underneath the sidebar on the right. Formatting FAIL.

I've been working tirelessly on this. Not really! I do like the very straightforward instructions. When you get done you can go place an illicit overseas bet. That's about all it's good for. I'm sorry, the pressure to produce posts is crushing me like a cat on a hot tin roof.

Dunksville, Daddio

Is that one of the Daves that I hear losing his shit there at the beginning? Oh, you know it is.

Monday, March 23, 2009

put it on a hook!


My favorite parts of the NFL are, in this order:

1. Wonderlic scores

2. draft strategy

3. the play-offs

So here we are, the best part of the NFL season: Wonderlic season. Admittedly, Wonderlic scores have about as much to do with NFL potential as one's Myers-Briggs personality type (example of quarterbacks: Darrell Hackney scored a 40; Drew Bledsoe, a 37; Tom Brady, a 33; Dan Marino, a 16). That said, deceptively athletic Matthew Stafford is apparently the smartest quarterback in the draft, with a 38 out of 50. The best score, at least among the top prospects, was Maryland's Kevin Barnes and his 41.

Andre Smith scored a 17, which is just below average. I don't think reflects how foolish he's been since about the beginning of the year, but it does fit with his world-class effort to ruin his draft position. Michael Oher got a 19 -- what is it with stupid, outstanding college lineman? To quote Deadspin, "A score of ten is supposed to indicate literacy. Vince Young, you may recall, allegedly scored a 6." The lowest score this year is North Carolina's Hakeem Nicks with an 11. Receivers as a whole look like the dumbest position; the best player in the country last year, Michael Crabtree, got a 15.

Florida has produced some idiots lately. Percy Harvin got a 12; in the past, Chris Leak got an 8.

To get an idea of how shockingly awful some of these scores are, here is a sample test. My guess is that, for most people, it's the time limit and the pressure more than the difficulty (or lack thereof) that gets to you.

Explain this image

Explain This Image

The happiest moment of Tha Captainz life

"Do not ask from whence your meal came, but instead ask, 'How will it be enjoyed?'"
- Empedocles of Agrigentum

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Movies I should be ashamed of owning

WARNING: has the guy from The Program and A River Runs Through It.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm not sure if this really qualifies

I mean, that sounds both delicious and healthy to me.

fail owned pwned pictures

Fail in the sense that one has failed at life, and thus is given to drinking heavily even at breakfast, to deaden the pain of this worldly toil. But that says more about the drinker than the breakfast. There's an argument about American drinking culture in here, I think.


3E overwhelmingly endorsed

Friday, March 20, 2009

for the weekend

this just in

updates coming soon.

stay tuned.

we can't say where this is going.

please nobody panic.

A love/eight relationship.

Good news, everyone! Champions League quarterfinal pairings announced this morning. Erection-level: dangahrous!

Villareal v Arsenal
seeds by pre-draw odds: 7 v 5
interestingness level:

Tha Captainz Choice: Villareal

Manchester United v Porto
seeds by pre-draw odds: 1 v 8
interestingness level:

Tha Captainz Choice: Manchester United

Liverpool v Chelsea
seeds by pre-draw odds: 3 v 4
interestingness level:

Tha Captainz Choice: Chelsea

Barcelona v Bayern Munich
seeds by pre-draw odds: 2 v 6
interestingness level:

Tha Captainz Choice: Barcelona

Essay mills

The orders keep piling up. A philosophy student needs a paper on Martin Heidegger. A nursing student needs a paper on dying with dignity. An engineering student needs a paper on electric cars.

Screen after screen, assignment after assignment — hundreds at a time, thousands each semester. The students come from all disciplines and all parts of the country. They go to community colleges and Ivy League universities. Some want a 10-page paper; others request an entire dissertation.

This is what an essay mill looks like from the inside. Over the past six months, with the help of current and former essay-mill writers, The Chronicle looked closely at one company, tracking its orders, examining its records, contacting its customers. The company, known as Essay Writers, sells so-called custom essays, meaning that its employees will write a paper to a student's specifications for a per-page fee. These papers, unlike those plucked from online databases, are invisible to plagiarism-detection software.

Everyone knows essay mills exist. What's surprising is how sophisticated and international they've become, not to mention profitable.

In a previous era, you might have found an essay mill near a college bookstore, staffed by former students. Now you'll find them online, and the actual writing is likely to be done by someone in Manila or Mumbai. Just as many American companies are outsourcing their administrative tasks, many American students are perfectly willing to outsource their academic work.

And if the exponential surge in the number of essay mills is any indication, the problem is only getting worse. But who, exactly, is running these companies? And what do the students who use their services have to say for themselves?
Cheating Goes Global as Essay Mills Multiply

The meats I miss most

5. Pork Tenderloin

Strengths: delicious, tasty, tender

Weaknesses: none

4. Chicken Wings

Strengths: delicious, tasty, dippable

Weaknesses: none

3. Cheeseburgers

Strengths: delicious, tasty, can be combined with bacon

Weaknesses: none

2. Bacon

Strengths: delicious, tasty, nonthreatening

Weaknesses: none

1. Steak

Strengths: delicious, tasty, manly

Weaknesses: none

Hypocrsy, thou art Washington

a: State: Office betting pools for NCAA basketball tournament illegal

b: Washington's Lottery: Whose World Could You Change?

(as pointed out by the commenters at the Seattle Times)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

3E Presents: Catchphrase Friday

You want to be the coolest cat on the block? You've got to have a catchphrase! With the weekend coming up, 3E is here to help. This weekend, we're going to be paying respects to one of 3E's heroes, Norm Macdonald. Whenever anyone asks you who you're meeting, or who is coming out tonight, just tell them:

"You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

Be the coolest guy around this Friday, 'cause it's Catchphrase Friday.

Tha Captainz Bracket

The NCAA tournament is stupid. How stupid? Very stupid. My bracket is exactly defined as follows. In each game, the winner is determined by this hierarchy:

1. Dayton
2. The Ohio State University
3. The higher seeded team

Predicted championship game:

Dayton 1000 - 2 North Carolina

First in flight, my ass!

They said it couldn't be done.

"If in your travels God you encounter, his pins will also fall before you."
-I Ching

Spider bite = be healed

So, the unrealistic park of Spiderman is that he never had a motorcycle accident. I need to remember that.

Paraplegic Man Suffers Spider Bite, Walks Again

I have some questions about sample size

I'd like to see a breakdown for graduate students. Also, Computer Science looks really out of place on the list. Most importantly -- isn't Wellesley College an all-girls school?

"Virginity rates among students by major"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

College football

So, this video is fairly old, but there's not a lot going on right now in the college football world.

This sums up so many problems with today's college football and sports coverage (ESPN in particular): irritating, obnoxious personalities ill-fitted together; bias and favoritism; space-filling, time-killing nonfeatures in place of actual analysis or sports; fan-based, populist, masturbatory nonfeatures in place of actual analysis or sports; childish petulance when said nonfeatures don't go the way the hosts want. It's too bad he's such a dick here, because Kirk tends to be one of my favorite analysts during actual games.

Also too, to the question at hand: 1945 Army.

Playing slots isn't magic

I love this guy.


You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Manchester United

Location: Trafford, Greater Manchester. Not actually the city of Manchester, as City fans will tirelessly point out.

Nickname: The Red Devils.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Old Trafford. Comfortably first in the EPL with a capacity of just over 76,ooo. American homerism: That would make it eighth in the SEC.

Crest: The sausagesque letterboxes always make me uncomfortable. The cubist devil always makes me giggle.

Season So Far: They've already won the Club World Cup, the Community Shield, and the League Cup; the three scrub trophies of the possible six they're shooting for. In the semifinals of the FA cup, the quarterfinals of the Champions League, and have a four point lead at the top of the premier league with a game in hand. Before getting skulled by Liverpool over the weekend, they had won eleven straight and had looked almost impossible to score against, much less beat.

General vibe to a casual American fan: Pure giganticism. By almost all accounts, the richest, most powerful club in the world. There are more Manchester United fans in China alone than there are people in the United States. I made that up, but it's probably true. They love the EPL in the far east. Universally disliked by all other fan bases in England to the point where most fans have a preferred team and also identify themselves as "ABU" or "Anyone But United." They've got Notre Dame's sense of self-entitlement, Alabama's bandwagoniness, and Miami's arrogance. Also too, Cristiano Ronaldo: possibly the most vain, self-aggrandizing person on the planet. Still, Paul Scholes can do this and you can't.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Also note this woman is the Vice-Chair of the Agricultural Committee and a former teacher

Florida lawmakers consider ban on bestiality:
Rich’s legislation would target only those who derived or helped others derive "sexual gratification" from an animal, specifying that conventional dog-judging contests and animal-husbandry practices are permissible.

That last provision tripped up Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.

"People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?" she asked. Some senators stifled their laughter as Sen. Charlie Dean, an Inverness Republican, explained that husbandry is raising and caring for animals. Bullard didn’t get it.

"So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?" Bullard asked, referring to a Connecticut case where a woman’s suburban chimpanzee went mad and was shot.
What kind of name is Larcenia Bullard? It sounds like a legal term.



Start drinking, you fecking hooers.

You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Chelsea

Location: London Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham, in the heart of fashionable West London. NOT the London Borough of Kensington and Chelsea.

Nickname: The Blues, The Royals, The Pensioners.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Stamford Bridge.

Crest: In the late 19th century the London Transit Authority experimented with using fire-breathing lions as crossing guards. FAIL.

Season So Far: Into the last eight of the Champions League and the semifinals of the FA Cup, but still a good distance back from United at the top of the table. A late run isn't out of the question but it looks like that ship has sailed, homies.

General vibe to a casual American fan: John Terry slipping in Moscow. They're a JohnnyComeLately thriving under the Russian oil money of Roman "The Krazy Cossack" Abramovich.

comics I like

Bear & Kitten, which has only recently begun publishing again. Are they back for good? Only time will tell.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Now that's my kind of barbershop

Not sure what to make of this place. I went in for a hair cut but came out with a lot more.

It all started out normal, got my hair trimmed (whats left of it) and I thought I was done. he asked me if I wanted a free shave, I said sure. Once he put the hot towel over my face, is when things got really bonkers. He started playing a love song, now being that it was only the two of us there, I was not sure what to make of it, until he started rubbing my hands with baby oil. Don't get me wrong, I am as straight as an arrow, but man did that feel good. He asked me if I wanted him to continue and I couldn't resist and said yes. One thing lead to another and we ended up exchanging numbers just for friendship purposes.

Other than that, it was a great place to get a hair cut and free shave.
David1959's review of Cardinal Barber Shop, Palo Alto, CA


It is precisely in these terms that I wish to discuss a preeminent moral challenge for our time — that imprisonment on a massive scale has become one of the central aspects of our nation’s social policy toward the poor, powerfully impairing the lives of some of the most marginal of our fellow citizens, especially the poorly educated black and Hispanic men who reside in large numbers in our great urban centers.

The bare facts of this matter — concerning both the scale of incarceration and its racial disparity — have been much remarked upon of late. Simply put, we have become a nation of jailers and, arguably, racist jailers at that. The past four decades have witnessed a truly historic expansion, and transformation, of penal institutions in the United States — at every level of government, and in all regions of the country. We have, by any measure, become a vastly more punitive society. Measured in constant dollars and taking account of all levels of government, spending on corrections and law enforcement in the United States has more than quadrupled over the last quarter century. As a result, the American prison system has grown into a leviathan unmatched in human history. This development should be deeply troubling to anyone who professes to love liberty.

Here, as in other areas of social policy, the United States is a stark international outlier, sitting at the most rightward end of the political spectrum: We imprison at a far higher rate than the other industrial democracies — higher, indeed, than either Russia or China, and vastly higher than any of the countries of Western Europe. According to the International Centre for Prison Studies in London, there were in 2005 some 9 million prisoners in the world; more than 2 million were being held in the United States. With approximately one twentieth of the world’s population, America had nearly one fourth of the world’s inmates. At more than 700 per 100,000 residents, the U.S. incarceration rate was far greater than our nearest competitors (the Bahamas, Belarus, and Russia, which each have a rate of about 500 per 100,000.) Other industrial societies, some of them with big crime problems of their own, were less punitive than we by an order of magnitude: the United States incarcerated at 6.2 times the rate of Canada, 7.8 times the rate of France, and 12.3 times the rate of Japan.
A Nation of Jailers

Meep Meep Meep

A good way to start your week.

Tales from the Graveyard... the Football Team Graveyard!

*maniacal cackling*

Hello, "Boils" and "Ghouls!" Larry Langford here. Tonight's tale is that of the Birmingham Americans, a team buried in the history books... but play them and it was YOU who would end up six feet under!

Legion Field truly was a house of horrors for opposing teams... none of the 13 who ventured in came out alive!

Local businessman Bill Putnam took a stab at team ownership, and you might say that his minions were quite adept at "Putnam in body bags!"

The Americans haunted the Central Division of the World Football League during its inau-"ghoul" season of 1974. They may have been the American dream, but for the rest of the league it was truly a nightmare!

On Thursday, Dismember 5th, 1974 the "talon"-ted team clawed their way to a World Bowl Championship!

Soon after, however, their fortunes turned for the worse. They've "slain" dormant, rotting in the earth.... until tonight!

*maniacal cackling*

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Liverpool

Location: Liverpool, Merseyside.

Nickname: The Reds.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Anfield.

Crest: I think they stole the flames from Bowser's castle.

Season So Far: Good start, but too many home draws to the assorted flotsam drifting around the bottom of the league have pretty much eliminated them from title contention (although as I groggily type this, they've just gone 2 - 1 up at United.) Still, somebody will have to deal with them in the Champions League.

General vibe to a casual American fan: Death by crushing. Until Manchester United's recent dominance they were, by far, the top scone on the English soccer lorry. Also too, that damn song.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

3E Fan Nonfiction

Click. Click. Ted was sure that this round of attacks would critically disable his computer opponent. Fumbling blindly for another pepperoni slice, he almost cut his hand of a pair of scissors. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE! He was getting better at Command and Conquer. He had always been good at video games, whether through some latent talent or through true Tennessee grit and tireless dedication, he was not ready to admit. His phone rang. Stephanie, geez. What is it now?

Click. Click. Wes was sure that this round of tax cuts would be just what BIGDICKCITY needed to reach Metropolis status. Fumbling blindly for his bottle of Woodbridge Merlot, he almost knocked it off the desk. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE! He had always loved SimCity games... really the only games he had ever had the grit or dedication to stick with. Cheat codes? He wasn't going to admit to that so easily. His phone rang. Sarah, come on. Can't this wait?

Click. Click. Charles was sure that this latest Flash game was the coolest and funnest thing he had ever played. Note to self: show Lauren next time she visits! Fumbling blindly for his cup of hot tea, Charles almost couldn't find his cup of hot tea but then he did. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE! He had always been good at making hot tea. Although whether it was through some latent tea-making talent or sheer repetition, he would readily admit to the latter. His phone rang. Lauren! Charles's spirits soared.

Clomp. Clomp. John plodded down the hall, farting more than half the way. Half gallon of skim milk in one hand, the other scratching his belly he slammed himself down in front of the television and prepared a bowl of cereal. Failing to notice that Stacy was even in the room, John watched three consecutive episodes of Law and Order, punctuated by brief periods of napping.

You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Aston Villa

Location: Birmingham, baby.

Nickname: The Villans, Villa.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Villa Park (they've got a theme and they stick with it.)

Crest: The Boy Scouts called and they want one word of their motto back. Recently updated. The star means they won what is now called the Champions League in 1982.

Season So Far: Will be good, could have been great. They're a whisker ahead of Arsenal for the last Champions League spot right now, but they're fading a bit. Tha Captainz prediction: They'll have to settle for the UEFA Europa Cup next year.

General vibe to a casual American fan: They're owned by the guy who owns the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. So just picture Warrick Dunn and Mike Alstott kicking a ball around.

Happy Pi Day!

Because Pi is 3.14, you see. I hope math enthusiasts everywhere are having a great day. I will celebrate it the only way I know how, and I hope all of you will do the same. On that note, here's a little something to further diminish your faith in humanity:
It happened in Indiana. Although the attempt to legislate pi was ultimately unsuccessful, it did come pretty close. In 1897 Representative T.I. Record of Posen county introduced House Bill #246 in the Indiana House of Representatives. The bill, based on the work of a physician and amateur mathematician named Edward J. Goodwin (Edwin in some accounts), suggests not one but three numbers for pi, among them 3.2, as we shall see. The punishment for unbelievers I have not been able to learn, but I place no credence in the rumor that you had to spend the rest of your natural life in Indiana.

Just as people today have a hard time accepting the idea that the speed of light is the speed limit of the universe, Goodwin and Record apparently couldn't handle the fact that pi was not a rational number. "Since the rule in present use [presumably pi equals 3.14159...] fails to work ..., it should be discarded as wholly wanting and misleading in the practical applications," the bill declared.
I am glad that Congress has figured out how to fix the war, recession, continued existence of Dancing with the Stars, etc, so they've got time to get in on the act. From Politico:
“It makes you realize how consequential you really are,” Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-Mass.) said with a smile.
Oh, fine, fine. Good to have that sorted out.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Mike Tyson

He so crazy. Fantastic boxer, though, back in his prime.

Tyson is lucky that he is a powerful man with fighting instincts, because he has a silly voice and is an idiot, a potentially lethal combination for most people.

"I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. ... So you shouldn't talk anymore. Unless, you wanna, you know."

Also, "I'ma gut him like a fish" is my new go-to smack talk.

Mark Ryden

Since he's graced our digital pages more than once, I think I should link to Mark Ryden, who creates bizarre and creepy and fantastic art. His online biography mentions "his masterful technique and disquieting content," which is, I think, entirely accurate. His book looks really interesting, also.

It's Spring Break....

...and that can only mean one thing.


Tha Captainz First Attempt at BLOG: 01/04/2005

You can't overstate how funny I used to be.

hey computer whizzes! due to overwhelming demand...an update!

remember to keep thinking about what my secret identity might be!

what? a clue? you want a clue? well i'll tell you this...

i'm not who i may seem!

keep sleuthing, super-sleuths!

Seriously, WHO AM I?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

String and Stick Tricks

El Emigrante, an old game I rediscovered. It's addictively addictive.

I don't quite understand why people pay for simple games on, say, Xbox Live Arcade, when there are so many awesome free ones online.

Movies I should be ashamed of owning.

WARNING: Filmed in Baldwin County, Alabama.

Space does not work that way.

Largely thanks to Speculative Fiction, space is probably one of the most consistently inaccurately portrayed things in modern media, to the extent that complete falsehoods are widely accepted fact. This is a very specific kind of Did Not Do The Research, which may have been partially justified in earlier media as the Research back then wasn't up to much. Modern portrayals of space, however, still haven't changed much from the rock-filled, noisy place which will make an unprotected human instantly explode into clouds of ice.

Some of these are due to a lack of research or just uninterest. But most of the modern portrayals of this like are due to the Rule Of Cool (things with sound are cooler than things without sound – although not as scary, as a famous tagline pointed out), artistic license, or simply the belief that audiences wouldn't accept it any other way.
TV Tropes, which is worth checking out.

Garage Days Revisited: 04/26/2004

My final article. Submitted (and actually published) as 5 Things: The Last Meal.

1. We’ll start off with drinks: a shot of idiotic randomness chased with a somewhat boyish naivety. As an appetizer, strips of sarcasm, battered with relevance and fried; served with a dipping sauce of honesty (100% pretense free). The main course will be an ill-informed, exorbitantly verbose and grandiose diatribe with blatantly obvious anti-BSC flavors, pan-seared and garnished with gratuitous innuendo included only to get a rise out of you (ingredients may vary depending on editing). Finally, dessert will be an abnormally terse goodbye, served tongue-in-cheek and cold.

Note: Nothing I’ve ever done has been 100% pretense-free.

2. At my wedding reception, I want the caterers to serve steak niblets with a lobster bisque to dip them in. I don’t exactly know what portion of steak constitutes a niblet, but it sounds good.

Two Notes: 1) I no longer eat steak and 2) I will die alone.

3. See what calling it “the caf” has gotten us? Someone apparently thinks that we as college students have an aversion to polysyllabic words. Thus, in that unknown entity’s infinite grace, they shortened the title of Birmingham-Southern’s annual spring festival of debauchery to SoCo. Our tongues no longer tied up with its archaic title, we are freer to drink the sweet nectar of alcohol that will always be such an integral part of the celebration. Thank you, powers-that-be.

It’s funny how fondly I remember Southern Comfort despite never once actually going under the tent to see a band.

4. I read an editorial in a recent edition of the Vanderbilt student newspaper on the subject of the sexual equivalent of winning the Music City Bowl, something that I can only faintly fathom even seeing in print in a BSC publication. In fact I’m not even going to say what the subject is to avoid my column being hacked to indiscernible pieces. Let’s just say that the article was truly gripping. And since we here on the hilltop are nothing if not progressive, liberated, and open to free discussion, we too need a monologue on certain taboo topics. To truly become “Southern Ivy,” we must follow the footsteps laid down by the institutions that have the national reputation that this school would like to have. And the first step that we need to make is an acknowledgement of the true nature of college life. The hallmark of today’s revered schools is an open-minded and expressive student body, not a cloistered community of status-driven automatons shoveling piles of stillborn ideas into the flames of mediocrity.

I read every student newspaper in the country hoping to find an article about handjobs. Thanks, Vandy.

I’m not half as good a writer as I thought I was back then. And math school has only made me worse.

“…cloistered community of status-driven automatons shoveling piles of stillborn ideas into the flames of mediocrity.”

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. And that includes this.

5. This is it. The last scratch on the lid of the coffin by a man buried alive. I hope someone heard me.

My final impression is the same as my initial impression. I’m a tool.

Later, boners.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Crest for Success: the SKEET sixteen day two

And that's how babies are made. Round of sixteen: OUT.

Atletico 2 - 2 Porto
Madrid Leg: 2 - 2
Porto Leg: 0 - 0
Porto wins on away goals.

Two teams that don't really belong here. Welcome to the world of unseeded draws.

Lyon 3 - 6 Barcelona
Lyon Leg: 1 - 1
Barcelona Leg: 2 - 5

Barca's ridiculously handsome front line brought the ruckus. Nobody is going to beat them.

Internazionale 0 - 2 Manchester United
Milan Leg: 0 - 0
Manchester Leg: 0 - 2

"Profligate" would actually begin to describe Manchester United in front of goal in this series. They still won. They're pretty good.

Arsenal 1 - 1 Roma
London Leg: 1 - 0
Rome Leg: 0 - 1
Arsenal wins 7 - 6 on penalties

The one English I would have liked to have seen shit a brick almost did.

You want your final eight? I'VE GOT YOUR FINAL EIGHT RIGHT HERE! Also too, they're in a scientifically computed order of likelihood of winning it all:
Manchester United

Later, losers.