Saturday, January 31, 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Fool-King

Folly, thou conquerest, and I must yield!
Against stupidity the very gods
Themselves contend in vain. Exalted reason,
Resplendent daughter of the head divine,
Wise foundress of the system of the world,
Guide of the stars, who art thou then if thou,
Bound to the tail of folly's uncurbed steed,
Must, vainly shrieking with the drunken crowd,
Eyes open, plunge down headlong in the abyss.
Accursed, who striveth after noble ends,
And with deliberate wisdom forms his plans!
To the fool-king belongs the world.
From Friedrich Schiller, The Maid of Orleans

I'm Against It

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I hope people keep doing this


Ha!

Garage Days Revisited: 10/01/2003

…and DRINKING!

1. I guess it was just meant to be this way. After a botched attempt last printing to change the title of this column, I’ve accepted the fact that 5 things is an institution too entrenched for me to change. Jon Stewart may have phased-out “5 questions” from “The Daily Show”, but there will be no such changing of the guard under this editorial regime.

I just didn’t try hard enough. More Daily Show. Seriously, did I watch the Daily Show a lot?

2. There are few things in this world that make me as happy as seeing Alabama lose to a team that none of their fans has ever heard of. Of course, this means any team outside the SEC other than Notre Dame and Penn State. Most normal college football fans know about Northern Illinois and know that being beaten by them is nothing to be ashamed of. However, for people refusing to leave the 60’s and 70’s (a.k.a. Alabama fans), being beaten by a team that doesn’t have “tradition” (a.k.a. was good in the 60’s and 70’s) is a sacrilege to the memory of the Bear. Wake up and smell the parity. The days when a handful of teams could monopolize talent without the weight of scholarship restrictions are over. There are not sure-wins these days, even for “mighty” Bama.

This sucks.

I was wrong. Alabama is the best team on the planet again.

3. Here’s a riddle: What do all Juniors, Sophomores, and Freshmen have to have about 400 of and we Seniors don’t? The answer, of course, is these so-called “cultural events.” Yes, my class was the last to slip through the cracks before the powers-that-be clamped down on everything except acceptance rate. We men got to live in Cullen Daniels (note to freshman girls on the third floor: don’t let exposed skin touch the carpets.), we got to serve ourselves in the Cafeteria (albeit, a cafeteria without a Deli Depot or an Icee machine), and of course we aren’t herded into one enlightening cultural experience after another. To me, all common hour means is that there will be an inordinate number of people in Norton.

Acceptanceratesnaps!

I bet some of my pubes are still stuck to the fire alarm in Cullen Daniel. Also, I hated it so much when Norton was really crowded. SO MUCH.

4. If there’s one thing that I’ve gained from my BSC education, it’s the fact that duct tape will remove paint from non-cinder-block walls, not to mention parts of the wall itself. If anyone else has come to this same chilling conclusion via experience, panic not. Our good friend and perpetual savior, Sherwin-Williams, might just happen to have the right kind of paint available.

Who could have seen this coming?

5. If there’s one thing that I’ve gained from my BSC education, it’s the fact that if a 250-plus pound individual is forcefully introduced by anonymous methods into a non-cinder-block wall, the wall will bear the brunt of this encounter. If anyone has come to this same harrowing conclusion via experience, panic not. Our good friend and chronic redeemer, Mr. Drywall-Repair-Kit, is alert and awaiting your arrival at a fine Home-Improvement store near you.

Say it with me: REPITITION.

Eric Fillebaum: what a fattie! I miss BSC. Good times. That’s what happens when you try to pin people.

Later, boners.

Profiles in Zombie Courage

Stretching any definition of 'zombie' well beyond it's limits, you're some kind of undead priest with the ability to change the background behind you when you randomly appear and disappear. Well, don't feel sorry for yourself, make some girl throw up her intestines!

...that's ZOMBIE COURAGE.

YouTube Street Fighter

It's almost as much fun as the original.

Here are some music videos!

I don't pretend to understand what's going on here.


Everything about this video is awesome.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Profiles in Zombie Courage

Imagine you've been hiding behind a wall for fifty years. Suddenly the wall starts to melt away, bringing with it the cruel light of day that has long since escaped your memory. Scary, right? You wouldn't just stick your hand out of the hole immediately, would you? A zombie would!

...that's ZOMBIE COURAGE.

House

Here.

(I wonder if they made the image so long, so people wouldn't put it on their blogs?)

Related:

On agricultural subsidies

Here.

I've been in a political mood lately.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Profiles in Zombie Courage

Outnumbered two to one.
Fugly.
Apparently has asthma.
Only a crude hand weapon.
No looking back.
No excuses.

...that's ZOMBIE COURAGE.

Money hole

Family Circus is a terrible cartoon

To predict the behavior of ordinary
people in advance, you only have to
assume that they will always try to
escape a disagreeable situation with the
smallest possible expenditure of
intelligence.

Nietzsche Family Circus

Capswap

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Collateral Damage

At around 6pm on January 27 of last year, 80-year-old Isaac Singletary spotted a couple of drug dealers attempting to do business on his front lawn. It wasn’t the first time. Singletary, described by relatives as territorial and a bit crotchety, did what he’d done in the past. He grabbed his gun, and walked out on to his lawn to scare them off. Problem is, this time the men weren’t drug dealers. They were undercover Jacksonville, Florida police posing as drug dealers. They had come on to Singletary’s property to bait possible drug offenders. When he brandished his gun, the police shot Singletary four times, once in the back. He died a short time later. A subsequent investigation by Florida’s attorney general cleared the officers who shot Singletary of any wrongdoing.

Singletary wasn’t a drug dealer. Jacksonville Sheriff John Rutherford described him as “an honest citizen trying to do good.” Florida Governor Charlie Crist visited Jacksonville a few days later. When asked by a reporter about Singletary’s death, Crist euphemistically called it one of the “challenges in fighting crime.”

Singletary is far from the first innocent person to die for the war on drugs, and he’s nowhere near the last. But let’s call Singletary’s death what it is: collateral damage. Like the collateral damage of military wars overseas—innocents inadvertently killed by bombs, bullets, and missiles aimed at legitimate targets—Singletary's a victim only because he happened to live in close proximity to the government's intended target, in this case, drug offenders. And like the civilian casualties of military wars, Singletary’s death won't do a thing to cause the people who run this war to rethink their priorities. Because for them, the ultimate goal is more important than the innocent lives they may take along the way. As Governor Crist said, Singletary's death is really little more than a "challenge" on the journey to a drug-free Florida.

But whatever you may think of the legitimacy of some of America’s military wars, past or present, they’re waged under at least the pretense that they’re necessary to defeat a foreign aggressor that poses a real threat to U.S. security. The drug war’s aim is to stop people from getting high.
The rest.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

3E'S LR4: video

I'm sorry we couldn't MC all four nights. :(

Admittedly, I assumed it was about wes

Animal tools



Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Willis gone to the dark side

News.

An artist's representation of my response:

3E fears.

3E endorsed

License Plates

TC's post reminded me of something I noticed a few days ago: Alabama's new license plate.


That looks to me as though it's a beach scene, which is a little odd considering that Alabama only has (depending on how you measure) 53 miles of coastline. I suppose it could be one of the state's many lovely lakes, but a. that's a pretty big lake, and b. that's obviously a picture of the Gulf Coast. For the state's first effort at representing its natural beauty on license plates, I would have thought they would choose something a bit more representative.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Arkansas: America's Worst State

Believe it or not, the place where Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, and Memphis meet isn't a very nice place. The few buildings that aren't adult book stores look like adult book stores, the state senate meets at a Huddle House, and the official motto is "Seacrest: Out!" Also too, their license plate features a giant rat attacking an old woman.


So, congratulations Arkansas: you're the Millsaps of states!

The Gob Act

3E'S LR4: report






Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tuesdays with Scott and West

[In December 2004 a Mobile and Cellular Division of the 3E Department of Communications subcommittee approved a resolution to record all telephone conversations between Tri Epsilon members. Most of these recordings were lost in a bar bet in July 2008, but 3E still possesses six discs of call logs. One of the transcripts is reproduced here.]

SL: Hello?

WB: Scrotizzle my nizzle! What's the wizzle dizzle?

SL: What? Hello? Wes, is that you?

WB: You know it. How's it going?

SL: Good, good. We just got the bocce court leveled, so that's out of the way. Been a big pain for weeks now. You coming to Ted and Stephanie's tonight?

WB: Man, I don't know. That's not really my style. There's all those ... people. Talking. Gives me the willies. And I told some people I'd go to the women's basketball game tonight.

SL: Oh, come on. You never go to these things.

WB: Maybe that should tell you something.

SL: I heard there's gonna be Connect 4.

WB: Oh, wow, did it just get arousing in here? I might swing by. I need to be in Birmingham anyway. That's why I called -- who's that bookie you use? Fat Freddie or something like that?

SL: Big Vinnie! Great guy. Strong hands. Masculine hands. What about him?

WB: Well, it looks like my guy in town bailed or died or something, even though he owed me sixty bucks, and now I need a new bookie. Plus, after the last guy, I figure it would be good to have a guy who doesn't live near me.

SL [laughing]: Oh yeah, that was a lot of stitches. The drunkest I've ever been, I think. At least that I can remember.

WB: So you got a number for Vinnie?

SL: No, he doesn't have a number. He's always at the same booth at the Southside Ruby Tuesday's, drinking Amstel Light. I'll take you by tonight.

WB [chewing loudly]: Yeah, sounds good. Listen, I've got something else to ask you. A medical question.

SL: Hey, I told you that --

WB: Wait, now, this is --

[:26 OF CROSSTALK]

SL: -- last time I will do one! Besides, there are free clinics all over Auburn. Remember, I showed you two, and there's one like a block away from your apartment. And I'm not driving another freshman nursing major anywhere. Ever!

WB: That's not how that happened, you're misrepresenting what happened, and I don't even know that girl. But this isn't like that. I've got something on my lower back; I think it's a growth of some kind. Can you look at it?

SL: Sure, I can; I will tonight.

WB: I'm kind of worried about it now, though.

SL [sighing loudly]: Fine, Wes. It's on your lower back? Can you see it? What's it look like?

WB: Your phone can get images, right? Let me send you a picture.

SL: Okay.

WB: [hushed but audible cursing]

WB: Okay sent it. It's on its way.

SL: Alright, got it.

WB: ...

SL: Is this your anus?

WB: I don't know. Is it?

SL: Man! I fall for that every time.

WB: Yeah you do. Sucker!

SL: Uh, well, see you tonight.

WB: Unless I see you first!

[click]

And that, folks, is how I became editor

Monday, January 12, 2009

Fortune Cookie Revisited: 10/12/2008

Allow me to do the math. THAT'S TODAY. Hopes: Sky high.

Garage Days Revisited: 09/10/2003

Originally submitted as: “Poorly Organized Paragraphs.” I never liked the “5 Things” title and I hoped that, as EDITOR/OVERLORD, I could title my article whatever I wanted. Guess not. Looking back, that title might suck even harder.

1. Before I even opened the Sporting News College Football Preview which has Auburn ominously picked as its #1, I knew what they were going to say to justify their pick. Auburn bears a slight resemblance to last year’s national championship team, Ohio State. A good running game, good offensive line, good front seven on defense and an unspectacular quarterback who doesn’t try to do too much and instead relies on the athletes around him. And just as I don’t think Ohio State was the best team last year, I don’t think these things make Auburn the best team this year. With an untested secondary and kicking game, Auburn has just the right holes (plus the fact that Auburn is notorious for poor performance as a favorite) to lose several key games this year and earn a holiday in beautiful Shreveport, Louisiana.

I don’t like anything I’ve ever written about football.

2. Please note my powers of prediction, as the above opinion was written before Auburn barely beat out South Florida for most disappointing performance of the first full Saturday of college football.

…because South Florida lost to Alabama. Warning to 2003 Wes: This might be the best year of your life. Don’t let Auburn’s foibles get you down.

3. I know that I said this last year and I know that I survived without one, but I seriously think that my common room is a perfect place for a school sponsored hot tub. With this being my last year at Birmingham-Southern, it’s my last chance to really enjoy an indoor, academically distracting, space wasting hot tub. I’m sure there’s a successful BSC alumnus out there sporting a few stacks of unused twenties with “recreational endowment” written all over them.

Now, I’m that alumnus. Too bad everyone at BSC is a jerk, or I might buy some of them a hot tub.

4. No summer wrap-up could be complete without mention of whom we thought was our last bastion of sexual cleanliness and perpetual modesty but has now been revealed as the princess of carnal debauchery: Britney Spears. In what can only be described as a senses-shatteringly shocking confession, Miss Spears willingly admitted to committing loathsome sins of the flesh with then boy-pal Justin Timberlake. Parents everywhere are encouraged to burn any semblance of this despicably desecrated diva and encourage your impressionable children to look to more wholesome and unspoiled role models, like the princess of prudence herself, Christina Aguilera.

BIG WORDS. ALLITERATION.

5. As the new Op/Ed Editor of The Hilltop News, I feel like it’s my duty to protect you, the reader, from idiot writers, like I was before accepting this position. I understand now why I was not allowed to submit the following articles over the last two years: no less than three sections committed entirely to whining about not having anything to write about; a section dealing with the American legacy of Pearl Harbor written entirely in binary code; something I still don’t know why I wrote involving Yoda and venomously bashing the Fox Network, Good Charlotte, and recycling; a sentence composed entirely of the word words in hopes of making my word count reach five-hundred; a joke about Finland; something about how much I like Milo’s Sweet Tea and at least two sections devoted to whining about having to re-write any of the above sections because they were too asinine to put into print.

This again. I think I had just learned the definition of ‘asinine.’ I enjoy these a lot more when I’ve been drinking. Let’s try that for the next article.

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: But who's the real winner?

It takes a big man to admit defeat. It also takes a big man to point out that my picks outscored Charles's picks by four touchdowns. An even bigger man might point out that I've won three pick thems while this was Charles's first taste of victory. It also takes a SUCK IT, CHARLES.



I'm just joking! Charles is a great fella.

3E choosing well


Etc

The Secret, reviewed

Best review of The Secret:
My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.

Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.

The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point.

National Championship game thoughts

What will I remember? How shockingly bad Fox's broadcast was.

Also: here.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

comics I like



Toothpaste For Dinner

Tuesdays with West

NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION
PROPERTY OF FOX STUDIOS, INC

_HOUSE_ SEASON FINALE (EPISODE TITLE: "LOVE HURTS")
FINAL DRAFT

DIRECTOR CHANGES IN BLUE, WRITER CHANGES IN RED

FINAL SCENE

FADE IN: HOUSE walks along the beach. He is limping slightly, but carries his cane. He is talking on a cellphone. The viewers can hear the voice on the other line.

HOUSE: This was the greatest medical mystery I've ever faced. But like any puzzle I solved it, in forty-eight action-packed minutes.

VOICE: Did you, House MD?

HOUSE: Of course I did! The vice president is going to be fine, since I realized his pimaloma disease was the result of having been secretly injected with my leg muscles. Now he'll be fine, after a few more oriphorenal injections and some routine glaucomocha testing. I still have my gruff but lovable exterior, and my leg is healing.

VOICE: But there's one thing you still haven't solved.

HOUSE [taking two vicodin]: I have a pain problem, not a drug problem!

VOICE: That's not what I mean.

HOUSE: A broken heart is not a medical condition.

VOICE: And yet you could solve it, so easily.

HOUSE: How?

VOICE: Turn around.

HOUSE: Did you just hang up on me?

A VOICE FROM BEHIND: House!

HOUSE [spinning around, handsomely disheveled]: How did you get here?

WEST: I was always here, House.

HOUSE and WEST embrace, kissing passionately.

WEST: I knew I needed to be here for you, in your moment of greatest triumph.

HOUSE: And greatest defeat. How can I call myself the world's greatest medical maverick If I can't save the person I love most?

WEST: It's fine, House, my love. I just wanted to spend my last few minutes alone with you.

HOUSE: It's not fair!

WEST: Don't you always say, life isn't fair? Don't let it bother you; let's just HURGHH --

WEST collapses in the beach. Copious red fluid pours from his nostils.

HOUSE: No!

WEST: Go on, House, go without me. It ain't everything.

HOUSE: It ain't, it ain't ... taint!

HOUSE turns WEST over and pulls down WEST's speedo.

HOUSE: I have to hurry!

HOUSE lifts WEST's scrotal sac. There is a massive purplish growth. HOUSE punctures it with a ballpoint pen. Copious red fluid pours out.

WEST [weakly]: House? Is that you?

HOUSE: You're going to be fine. I should have known it was scrotal myopathic inhibition syndrome! We're going to be together a long time.

WEST: I love you.

[They kiss. SCENE].

Monday, January 05, 2009

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: ENDGAME

Sometimes you lose.

The Greatest Rock Song Ever

The Second Greatest Rock Song Ever

The Third Greatest Rock Song Ever

The Fourth Greatest Rock Song Ever

The Fifth Greatest Rock Song Ever

Auburn assistant coaching


With a face like this, and a name like Trooper Taylor, there's no way Auburn doesn't win and win big. Look at that smile!

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Random LiveJournal Picture Generator

Warning: stupid timewaster.

Garage Days Revisited: 04/29/2003

Back at ya! Don’t call it a comeback!

Last article as an underling. Almost certain that, unlike the last few, this did make it into print.

1. Most of what’s on TV sucks. Even the redeeming excellence of shows like “The Simpsons,” whose worst episodes are easily better than most of everything else, can’t save TV from itself. American Idol. Mr. Personality. Joe Millionaire. Everything else on Fox. Battle of the Sexes. Anything else on MTV. Dr. Phil. All that Japanamation garbage. It’s all crap. Admittedly, most of the shows I single out as bringing television down to its knees are reality programs, which are especially banal and stupid. There is merit to some cable shows that are either really funny or really interesting but, if it weren’t for the aforementioned Simpsons, The Daily Show, and college football, I doubt I would ever watch television at all.

I had forgotten about most of those shows. Now I realize I need to get them on DVD. Did I really watch The Daily Show a lot or was I just trying to be cool? I don’t remember.

2. I’m still mad that Saving Private Ryan didn’t win the Academy Award for best picture in 19-whenever-the-hell-it-came-out. Up until this point in Oscar history, I had never really had any problems with any of the winners, nor really even paid attention or cared. This time I did pay attention. I cheered for a movie that I thought really made a statement and affected everyone who saw it. If I had been Harrison Ford, the presenter, I would have thrown down the envelope onstage as soon as I had opened it. Now, I get misty-eyed whenever I hear the Indiana Jones theme. Shakespeare In Love? Sure, it was a good movie, I suppose, but I don’t think any Shakespearean scholars were having to leave theaters because the film was affecting them too much, as Saving Private Ryan did some D-Day veterans. After five years, I still have the disbelieving reaction of one Birmingham News writer from the day after pinned to my door at home. In retrospect, I shouldn’t weigh the legacy of one of the greatest war movies of all time by the opinion of a cadre of old men who apparently have a thing for Gwyneth Paltrow.

Update: it’s still on my door. Update: I hate the writing here.

3. In my opinion, unless you are quite familiar with crocodiles, you shouldn’t call them “crocs.” The only people who are qualified to use this epithet are the scientists who study them and the indigenous peoples who have to fight them off to wash their laundry in the river. It just doesn’t seem right for someone unlearned on the subject to go around disrespecting crocodiles they don’t even know by shortening their names like they would their cousin Raymond.

It’s just rude. Also, the writing here is dumb. I think I peaked when my stuff wasn’t being published.

4. Isn’t it a little presumptuous for Sewanee to claim to be “The University of the South?” Is this Episcopal, liberal arts college with an enrollment smaller than BSC really supposed to be the representative University of an entire geo-social region?

I’m so stupid. Still, BSC RULZ YOUR SHIT, SEWANEE.

5. After dazzling the publications board and Hilltop News staff with my impressive resume and charismatic persona, I have wrestled the job of Editorials/Opinions Editor away from the incumbent for 2003-04. I’m taking this opportunity in the last paper of this school year to invite people to write for this and other sections next year. It really doesn’t take that long to write an opinion article, especially if it’s something that the writer feels strongly about.

That’s not true. I didn’t win the job with resumes and personality, all I really had to do was have sex with everybody on the staff. That’s not true either, I was pretty much the only applicant. Notice how in just a few short weeks I went from “I don’t want to write, it sucks” to “everybody write, it’s awesome!”

Universe etc

ABHAY ASHTEKAR remembers his reaction the first time he saw the universe bounce. "I was taken aback," he says. He was watching a simulation of the universe rewind towards the big bang. Mostly the universe behaved as expected, becoming smaller and denser as the galaxies converged. But then, instead of reaching the big bang "singularity", the universe bounced and started expanding again. What on earth was happening?

Ashtekar wanted to be sure of what he was seeing, so he asked his colleagues to sit on the result for six months before publishing it in 2006. And no wonder. The theory that the recycled universe was based on, called loop quantum cosmology (LQC), had managed to illuminate the very birth of the universe - something even Einstein's general theory of relativity fails to do.

LQC has been tantalising physicists since 2003 with the idea that our universe could conceivably have emerged from the collapse of a previous universe. Now the theory is poised to make predictions we can actually test. If they are verified, the big bang will give way to a big bounce and we will finally know the quantum structure of space-time. Instead of a universe that emerged from a point of infinite density, we will have one that recycles, possibly through an eternal series of expansions and contractions, with no beginning and no end.

Here.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Macs vs. PCs

Far Side reenactments


Here. Pretty hit and miss.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Sugar Bowl results


That's one pick I'm glad to miss (and I really missed it; I would have picked Alabama to cover the spread). This wasn't a fluke, either. That was a dominant win by Utah, on both sides of the ball. I was really impressed with Utah's defense, whose eight sacks were 2005-Iron-Bowl-esque.

Jealousy is sweet sometimes; right now there's only one thing sweeter.

Henny Youngman

A collection of Henny Youngman favorites:
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it is ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.

In New York's garment district a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guys chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?" The man said, "I make a nice living."

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

Was that suit made to order? The guy who ordered it didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

He's frank and earnest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in Chicago; he's Ernest.

What do you get for a man who has everything? Penicillin.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A Bishop goes up to visit a year later. The Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"
The priest says. "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would you like a martini, Bishop?"
"Yes, I would", says the Bishop
The priest says "Rosary, bring the bishop a Martini."

A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at home." the doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks."
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took off the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day."
"Okay, so how is your love life now?"
"I don't know, I'm 140 miles from home!"

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week." I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.

Your presence makes me long for your absence.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

3E endorsed

3E Bowl Pick Them 2008: The Last Stand

Ladies and gentlemen, I am at the end of my rope. My fate now rests in the hands of Buckeyes, Sooners, and a particularly landlocked Golden Hurricane.

Norm MacDonald is so funny



Roasts are stupid. I'm glad someone figured that out.

Updated: Related.

If someone would make a show that was Norm MacDonald and Conan O'Brien talking for half an hour, I would totally watch that.