Henny Youngman

A collection of Henny Youngman favorites:

You have a ready wit. Let me know when it is ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.

In New York's garment district a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guys chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?" The man said, "I make a nice living."

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

Was that suit made to order? The guy who ordered it didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

He's frank and earnest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in Chicago; he's Ernest.

What do you get for a man who has everything? Penicillin.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A Bishop goes up to visit a year later. The Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"
The priest says. "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would you like a martini, Bishop?"
"Yes, I would", says the Bishop
The priest says "Rosary, bring the bishop a Martini."

A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at home." the doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks."
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took off the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day."
"Okay, so how is your love life now?"
"I don't know, I'm 140 miles from home!"

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week." I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.

Your presence makes me long for your absence.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.