What are bowls? We just don't know

Peach Bowl

Cincinnati (+7) vs Georgia

2021 is going to be better than 2020. I think Like Pickles is a good coach. 

Citrus Bowl

Auburn (+3.5) vs Northwestern

Vrbo? What kind of idiot name is Vrbo? Anyway, this is a stupid pick, but I have a brand to maintain

Rose Bowl

Notre Dame vs Alabama (-20)

I might take Alabama -30. "Eff" the Rose Bowl for giving up their traditional match-ups. I hope nobody watches this game. 

Sugar Bowl

Ohio St. (+7.5) vs Clemson

Tony Elliott was my favorite for the Auburn job. Harsin seems fine, but I think Clemson will miss Elliott. I assume he is the grandson of former Alabama congressman Carl Elliott. 

Gator Bowl

NC St. (+2.5) vs Kentucky

Seems like a thing. I'm fairly certain I didn't watch NC State at all this year. 

 

Outback Bowl

Old Mist (+8.5) vs Indiana 

I think ole Kiffy is playing up the Covid problems, but I am probably wrong. 

Fiesta Bowl

Oregon (+4) vs Iowa St.

You can throw out the records when these two rivals meet "on the gridiron".

Orange Bowl

North Carolina (+7.5) vs TAMU

I for one am glad TAMU didn't make the play-offs. 7 points would be a much harder pick than 7.5. 

You can't concede, you're going to win!

It's weird that "screw the pooch" is accepted as a normal thing you can say. But anyways, time for me to completely mess this up.

Peach

Georgia -7

Georgia... Peaches... you can't make this stuff up

Citrus

Northwestern -3.5

porple power

Rose

Alabama -20

wailing, gnashing, yadda yadda yadda

Sugar

Ohio St. +7.5

extremely O H and incredibly I O

Gator

NC St. + 2.5

singing "wooolf pack" to the tune of love shack

Outback

Old Mist +8.5

lane train

Fiesta

Oregon +4

quack attack

Orange

TAMU -7.5

the tamu flu

Batch 3(E)

Get em hot n ready by 2 of clock.

January 1

Peach Bowl

Cincinnati vs Georgia (-7)

January 1

Citrus Bowl

Auburn vs Northwestern (-3.5)

January 1

Rose Bowl

Notre Dame vs Alabama (-20)

January 1

Sugar Bowl

Ohio St. vs Clemson (-7.5)

January 2

Gator Bowl

NC St. vs Kentucky (-2.5)

January 2

Outback Bowl

Old Mist vs Indiana (-8.5)

January 2

Fiesta Bowl

Oregon vs Iowa St. (-4)

January 2

Orange Bowl

North Carolina vs TAMU (-7.5)

extremely bowl pick them and incredibly not close at this point but you never know!

I might have already won, we'll just have to wait and see.

A THIRD NUMBER APPEARS

There's a first TIE-me for everything lol

GOING GREAT

Christmas

That's right it's bowl picks

Camellia Bowl

Marshall vs Buffalo (-3)

I totally forgot that Marshall had been in the MAC, and I wondered why these teams had played each other so much before. That makes this a case of Former conference mates collide. 

Dec. 26

Cure Bowl

Libearty vs Coastal Carolina (-6)

LIBEARTY! I get it, joyous humor. I HOPE IT MAKES A REAPPEARANCE.

Dec. 26

First Responder Bowl

Louisiana-Lafayette (-13) vs UTSA

I still can never remember which Louisiana school is which. LSU? Who's that?

Dec. 26

LendingTree Bowl

Western Kentucky vs Georgia State (-4.5)

LendingTree huh. Ladd-Peebles is a good stadium name. 

Dec. 29

Cheez-It Bowl

Oklahoma St. vs Miami (FL) (+3)

This is a pretty good match up. I'd pick Miami straight up (skrait up). 

Dec. 29

Alamo Bowl

Texas vs Colorado (+12.5)

Buddy, you better believe it: Former conference mates collide. 

Dec. 30

Duke's Mayo Bowl

Wake Forest vs Wisconsin (-7)

Calling it right now: Future conference mates collide. 

Dec. 30

Music City Bowl

Iowa vs Missouri (+14)

I wonder if people call him "The Drink." I would. But not right now. I initially wrote "Former conference mates collide" because it felt true, and it was! Both are former members of the Western Interstate University Football Association (1892-1897). That's a catchy name! 

Dec. 30

Cotton Bowl

Florida (-3) vs Oklahoma

Did you know these teams played for the national title???? And they did it earlier this month??????? 

Dec. 31

Armed Forces Bowl

Tulsa (-2.5) vs Mississippi St.

1. LOL. 2. This is, as usual, an insult to The Troops. 

Dec. 31

Arizona Bowl

Balls St. vs San Jose St. (-7)

SJS is going to go down in the record books as the last team to ever beat a Bryan Harsin-coached team. Reading this back, it seems like a threat! 

Dec. 31

Libearty Bowl

West Virginia (-9) vs Tennessee Army (+9)

WHOA HO! WE MEET AGAIN. A CHUCKLE AND A TIP OF THE HAT TO YOU, GOOD SIR. 

Dec. 31

Texas Bowl

Arkansas  (+6) vs TCU

Formless confrontation mutts confer.  I thought the Pitt Man should have been SEC Coach of the Year. 

Picks Part II root doot doot doooo

rootin, tootin, high pollutin (this is in reference to a butt which is where I found these games and picks and this whole mess we're in)

Buffalo -3

We Are Buffalo (this is a reference to a movie about a plane crash which is what these picks will become)

UL Lafayette -13

Raging (about) Cagings (this is a reference to the school's mascot and also what the libs did about President Trump's border policies)

Western Kentucky +4.5

Best Western Kentucky (sponsorship, baby)

Libs Erty +6

When I was a little kid, the girl next door wanted to go to Liberty. I wonder if she did. She also had a boyfriend (possibly fake (she was home-schooled)) with maybe an Italian-sounding name (or at least Italian-sounding to an 8 year old). My friend Jake (from down the street) called him "Chicken Primavera."

Oklahoma St. -3

typing this with my hands in finger guns configuration

Texas -12.5

typing this with my face as I place my fingers atop my head to give myself "the horns of a steer"

Wisconsin -7

Wisconsin is one of only 4 power5 schools not to have a baseball team. the others are, you guessed em, Colorado, Iowa St., and Syracuse

Iowa -14

I meant to pick Missouri but i'm not changing it.

Oklahoma +3

Big Game Bob will have the sooners ready to rock n roll.

Mississippi St. +2.5

Mike Leach is good in bowl games. This is another thing I believe because I stopped being capable of learning A New Thing About Football in like 2006.

San Jose St. -7

watched the series finale of Silicon Valley last night. pretty funny.

Army +9

bumper sticker I saw the other day: "Proud Parent of a Soldier." get a life, man.

Arkansas +6

they should put a little curly tail on the back of their pants. TCU, I mean.

this is stupid, but I will stand behind it and defend it to the death

I should have made it GWAR-Field. Oh well, that's 2020 for you lol.

BOWL PICK THEM 2020 PART II: THE NEW BATCH

Lots of bizarre stuff here. Just bewildering. Like every bowl season.

Let's see if we can get to 2021. Probably risky. UPDATE: IT WAS. Please have these ATS picks in by Thursday at 5. Thank you.

Dec. 25

Camellia Bowl

Marshall vs Buffalo (-3)

Dec. 26

Gasparilla Bowl

South Carolina vs UAB (-4.5)

Dec. 26

Cure Bowl

Libearty vs Coastal Carolina (-6)

Dec. 26

First Responder Bowl

Louisiana-Lafayette (-13) vs UTSA

Dec. 26

LendingTree Bowl

Western Kentucky vs Georgia State (-4.5)

Dec. 29

Cheez-It Bowl

Oklahoma St. (-3) vs Miami (FL)

Dec. 29

Alamo Bowl

Texas (-12.5) vs Colorado

Dec. 30

Duke's Mayo Bowl

Wake Forest vs Wisconsin (-7)

Dec. 30

Music City Bowl

Iowa (-14) vs Missouri

Dec. 30

Cotton Bowl

Florida (-3) vs Oklahoma

Dec. 31

Armed Forces Bowl

Tulsa (-2.5) vs Mississippi St.

Dec. 31

Arizona Bowl

Balls St. vs San Jose St. (-7)

Dec. 31

Libearty Bowl

West Virginia (-3.5) (-9) vs Tennessee Army

Dec. 31

Texas Bowl

Arkansas vs TCU (-6)

GWAR (title unrelated)

Just thinking about GWAR. Well, ok here are the picks.

Appalachian St. -19

That guy with the wooden sign. He was so cool.

Nevada +3

Absolutely not.

BYU -4.5

BYU is good, right. Whatever.

Georgia Southern -4.5

Walt. Hate that guy.

Memphis -10.5

Remember when Auburn played Memphis? I was at work.

Hawaii +11

Holgo is at Houston, right? Whatever.

I Didn't Believe in Covid Until They Started Cancelling Bowl Games

Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl

PICK: THE SEASON WAS A MISTAKE

Myrtle Beach Bowl: North Texas vs. Appalachian State (-19)

Remembering those guys. Great start to bowl season.

PICK: APPALACHIAN STATE -19

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Nevada vs. Tulane (-3)

They're not that famous.

PICK: TULANE -3

Boca Raton Bowl: UCF vs. BYU (-4.5)

Let's pretend it's USC not UCF and LSU not BYU, so I can hope four teams lose instead of just two. 

PICK: BYU -4.5

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Georgia Southern (-4.5) vs. Louisiana Tech 

Georgingham-Southern College

PICK: GEORGIA SOUTHERN (-4.5)

Famous Montgomery Potato Bowl: Memphis (-10.5) vs. FAU

Auburn beat Memphis in a bowl game, before they foolishly fired Gus. Alternate name: The 2031 SEC Championship Game preview bowl.

PICK: FAU +10.5

New Mexico Bowl: Hawaii vs. Houston (-11)

All of those names should be states.

PICK: HOUSTON -11

Firing Gus

There's a scenario where firing Gus Malzahn is a good move, but let's consider the facts so far:

Somebody is paying $21 million during the worst pandemic in a century to fire a winning coach who has the fourth-best record in the SEC in his eight years, at a time when annual rivals, all of whom have equal or better recruiting opportunities, have: the best coach ever (at Alabama), a Saban-disciple who is his recruiting if not coaching equal (at Georgia), and a lightning-in-a-bottle national championship (at LSU). Gus has never had a major scandal and averages a top ten team by analytical rankings. His players seem to love him and have not had a single game which looked low-effort. They fired him less than a week before early signing day.

That's a lot to swallow, but it would be OK if Auburn had a clear plan. But there is no known plan. Apparently they fired Gus because dodo boosters are mad he wouldn't call the plays they want or go to their summer barbecues enough. This was change for the sake of change. Apparently Mario Cristobal was the first choice for some of these rich idiots who think they won the national title personally in 2010, and they didn't have him locked up. Some of the boosters want to promote Steele, a 62-year-old with a 9-36 record as a head coach. Perhaps some of them want Pat Nix.

Things could work out, still. If I were Cristobal, I wouldn't want to leave Oregon to play 3-5 top ten teams every year and be constantly on the hot seat, but coaches are often meathead idiots who think they can do anything and that being paid more proves they are better. Someone like Billy Napier or Tony Elliott could be hired and work out, improving recruiting (which is technically possible) while bringing fresh blood into offensive and defensive coaching.

Or Auburn could become Tennessee, 2008-present. Or worse!  We'll see!!

BOWL PICK THEM 2020: PART I

All picks are due by Friday, December 18, at 5:00 pm, picking against the spread. 

Dec. 19

Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl

CANCELLED FOR REASONS YOU MAY BE ABLE TO GUESS

Dec. 21

Myrtle Beach Bowl

North Texas vs. Appalachian State (-19)

Dec. 22

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Nevada vs. Tulane (-3)

Dec. 22

Boca Raton Bowl

UCF vs. BYU (-4.5)

Dec. 23

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

Georgia Southern (-4.5) vs. Louisiana Tech 

Dec. 23

Montgomery Bowl

Memphis (-10.5) vs. FAU

Dec. 24

New Mexico Bowl

Hawaii vs. Houston (-11)

splitty

splitty

"Mr. Sixty Percent" : 39-26

"Mr. Fifty Point Seventy Seven Percent" : 33-32

60% is the best anyone has ever done. You should gamble.

"Mr. One Hundred Thirty Nine Point Thirty Six" : {v}139.36

"Mr. More Than That" : {v}569.81

You should not gamble.

extremely week twelve and incredibly on time

 Alabama at Arkansas (+32.5)

Georgia (-13) at Missouri 

Tennessee (-15) at Vanderbilt

LSU at Florida (-23.5) 

Auburn (-6.5) at Mississippi State

____________________________________________________

GO BIG! 

Gimme {v}73 on Alabama-Arkansas going under 68

Gimme {v}50 on Missisississisisisppi State +200

twelve is not a stranger things reference you fool. you absolute twat.

I am (as I always have been) ride or die for favorites.

Alabama -32.5

Georgia -13

Tennessee -15

Florida -23.5

Auburn -6.5

---

{v}

1. {v}361.98 on Auburn -240 wins {v}150.83

2. {v}170.94 on Mississippi St. +200 wins {v}341.87

-----> {v}512.81

3. {v}2.00 on Arkansas +2500 wins {v}50.00

4. {v}6.00 on Mizzou +370 wins {v}22.20

5. {v}6.00 on Vanderbilt +475 wins {v}28.50

6. {v}6.00 on LSU +850 wins {v}51.00

Week Twelve (Stranger Things Reference)

A "Weird Al" Yankovic album purchased and downloaded from iTunes: 3-2 (29-31)

weird_al_REAL_im_the_only_gay_eskimo_live.mp3: 3-2 (36-24)

____________________________________________________

Alabama -10000 (-32.5) at Arkansas +2500 (T:68)

Georgia -450 (-13) at Missouri +370 (T:53.5)

Tennessee -650 (-15) at Vanderbilt +475 (T:50)

LSU +850 at Florida -1500 (-23.5) (T:67.5)

Auburn -240 (-6.5) at Mississippi State +200 (T:49)

____________________________________________________

Relatively rich man: {v}552.92

Objectively poor man: {v}123

it's week 11

The only thing more exhausting than the pandemic is these lines! 

TAMU @ Auburn (+7): I was definitely going to take the under in this game, but that's so low! Probably still goes under. 

Arkansas (+3) @ Mizzou: I still haven't reevaluated my belief that Arkansas is much improved, and I guess I'm not going to. 

Florida (-17.5) @ Tennessee: My theory is that Tennessee is a team that's giving up. 

Vanderbilt @ Georgia (-35): I'm sorry the lady kicker probably won't get any field goal chances because Vanderbilt is such a terrible football team. 

South Carolina @ Kentucky (-12): sure

Alabama (-29) @ LSU: I don't see why not.

{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}{v}

{v}375.06 to wine and dine

GIMME {v}165 on Auburn (+7) against TAMU, to win {v}150

GIMME {v}100 on Arkansas +135 over Missouri, to win {v}135 

GIMME {v}110 on Florida -850 over Tennessee, to win {v}12.94

oh no!

TAMU -7

Arkansas +3

Florida -17.5

Georgia -35

South Carolina +12

Alabama -29

{v}

1. {v}336.09 on Mizzou -155 wins {v}216.83

2. {v}235.28 on Arkansas +135 wins {v}317.64

-----> {v}552.92

3. {v}10.00 on Auburn +215 wins {v}21.50

4. {v}3.00 on Tennessee +525 wins {v}15.75

5. {v}1.00 on Vanderbilt +6875 wins {v}68.75

6. {v}5.00 on South Carolina +325 wins {v}16.25

7. {v}1.00 on LSU +1250 wins {v}12.50

Week Eleven (Stranger Things reference)

Last Week (Overall)

Wolves are at the door: 2-4 (26-29)

Lead is gonna grow more: 3-3 (33-22)

---

TAMU -260 (-7) @ Auburn +215  (T:49.5)

Arkansas +135 @ Mizzou -155 (-3)  (T:51.5)

Florida -850 (-17.5) @ Tennessee +525  (T:61.5)

Vanderbilt +6875 @ Georgia -18000 (-35)  (T:52.5)

South Carolina +325 @ Kentucky -450 (-12)  (T:48)

Alabama -4500 (-29) @ LSU +1250  (T:66.5)

---

{v}{v}{v}

Gonna blow it: {v}591.37

Errbody know it: {v}375.06

Week 10 is brought to you by some real clunkers

Vanderbilt at Missouri (-20): hard not to get excited about this one

Kentucky at Florida (-23.5): Florida seems good, thinking about a play-off bid, and such

Auburn (+24.5) at Alabama (-24.5): Gonna suck

Miss St at Old Mist (-9.5): Kiffypoo seems like the kind of guy to take a rivalry game seriously.

LSU at TAMU (-14): Been a weird season, and while I expected LSU to not be as good as last year, their badness has been a weird part of it.

Georgia (-21.5) at South Carolina: In a game between two games who seemed to have given up, I guess I go with the talent. O/U on this one is pretty funny. 

BUXBUXBUXBUXBUXBUXBUXBUX

{v}402.06 and this week the HELLWORLD rules about 1/4 going toward an underdog, that's really tough. Have we done -110 vig for over/unders? I feel like we do. 

GIMME {v}100.52 on Mississippi State +250 to win {v}253.80

GIMME {v}110 on Kentucky-Florida over 61 to win {v}100

GIMME {v}110 on Florida -23.5 to win {v}100

GIMME {v}91.54 on Auburn-Alabama under 62.5 to win {v}83.52

Feels like this should be over by now? That's what she said! (Michael Scott from office (american))

Mizzou -20

Kentucky +23.5

Auburn +24.5

Old Mist -9.5

LSU +14

South Carolina +21.5

---

bux bux bux

1. {v}452.22 on Old Mist -325 wins {v}139.15

2. {v}168.96 on Miss St +250 wins {v}422.41

-----> {v}591.37

3. {v}1.00 on Vanderbilt +800 wins {v}8.00

4. {v}3.00 on Kentucky +1000 wins {v}30.00

5. {v}5.00 on Auburn +1100 wins {v}55.00

6. {v}10.00 on LSU +375 wins {v}37.50

7. {v}1.00 on SC +800 wins {v}8.00

Week 10 Is Brought To You By The Rona

Takes his shoes off at the door to reveal charming printed socks: 2-4 (24-25)

Tracks mud on his Crocs into the dining room where the fancy rug is: 4-2 (30-19)

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) 

In a truly garbage year, "rivalry week" features almost entirely double-digit lines and stupid games. 

Vanderbilt +800 at Missouri (-20) -1600 (T:51.5)

Kentucky +1000 at Florida (-23.5) -2000 (T:61)

Auburn +1100 at Alabama (-24.5) -2500 (T:62.5) 

Miss St +250 at Old Mist (-9.5) -325 (T:67.5)

LSU +375 at TAMU (-14) -560 (T:63)

Georgia -1400 (-21.5) at South Carolina +800 (T:49)

: ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : )

A sickly weakling, mewling and wallowing in disease: {v}402.06

A healthy tough man excreting antibodies and vitamin C: {v}641.18

I look at week 9, and I ask, why?

Florida (-31.5) @ Vanderbilt: no

LSU (+1.5) @ Arkansas: LSU is falling apart but is also immensely talented.

Kentucky (+31) @ Alabama: That's a lot of points.

Tennessee @ Auburn (-10.5): Auburn is good again

Mississippi St. (+24.5) @ Georgia: Seems like this will be a weird one

Mizzou (-6.5) @ South Carolina: I may be reading too much into it, but South Carolina's got that "rats fleeing a ship" feel

---

{v}{v}{v}

You know, {v}315.34 seems like not a lot of covidbux.

I'll risk {v}78.84 on LSU over Arkansas to win {v}82.78

GIMME {v}236.50 on Alabama -6000 over Kentucky to win {v}3.94

week nine is a hard no from me, tha captain

Florida -31.5

LSU +1.5

Alabama -31

Tennessee +10.5

Georgia -24.5

South Carolina +6.5

_________________________________________________________________________

{v}{v}{v}

1. {v}356.21 on Arkansas -125 wins {v}284.97

2. {v}312.77 on LSU +105 wins {v}328.41

---------------> {v}641.18

3. {v}1.00 on Vanderbilt +1550 wins {v}15.50

4. {v}1.00 on Kentucky +1600 wins {v}16.00

5. {v}10.00 on Tennessee +285 wins {v}28.50

6. {v}1.00 on Mississippi St. +1025 wins {v}10.25

7. {v}7.00 on South Carolina +190 wins {v}13.30