Thursday, December 31, 2009

DESTINY

The most important thing EVER to happen at Legion Field will go down on Saturday. It just had to happen this way. Two CRISIS games each. Rubber match to settle this bitch. We're not making it to .500.



See you in the future.

3E's year in review



Sign you WOULD see in Pasadena...

except those inbreds couldn't come up with it. Well retards, 3E is here to help.

Bling bling is still popular with me

40 things that were popular at the start of the decade that aren't popular anymore.

fuck you vegas

How was Arizona ever a favorite? Why did it take the betting public until just the other day to come to their senses? Whatever.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bowl Pick Them 2009: The Chase for .500

One CRISIS victory each. For those scoring at home, Nebraska is now favored over Arizona.

yeah

this exists. Not particularly interesting. It looked stupid and I didn't read any of it. But there it is.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Bowl Pick Them 2009: The Chase for .500


not making a picture. The Chuckwagon is 5-5 and tha Captain is 4-6. I wanted to make a picture, I really did. Can't remember how to cut and paste things. You understand.


CHECK OUT THEM TITTIES.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Post 1,000

Maybe. Blogger's counting is weird. But I think this is our 1,000th post. Congrats, team!

3e endorsed

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Family Christmas Fan PseudoFiction

Cousin 1: That Thanksgiving at the beach was fun.

Cousin 2: Yes, it was. We should do that again.

Cousin 3: WE CAN'T.

scene

Change blindness

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Star Wars review

I can't honestly say I got through all seven of them, but the five minutes I watch of this one was pretty funny.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

mammaries

The oldest class schedule still on the BSC website is the last one of any pertinence to us. That last semester was so awesome.

MW 1:00 - Varkham Markham's Western Civ
TTh 9:30 - Design with Bob Shelton
TTh 12:00 - Intermediate Writing with McInturff
TTh 1:30 - Numerical Sucknalysis with Dougie Doug Riley

What a great semester.

Huo Yuanjia

Huo Yuanjia (Chinese: 霍元甲; pinyin: Huò Yuánjiǎ) [Cantonese: Fok Yuen Gap] (c.1868-1910) was a Chinese martial artist and co-founder of the Chin Woo Athletic Association, a martial arts school in Shanghai. A practitioner of the martial art Mízōngyì, he is considered a hero in China for defeating foreign fighters in highly publicized matches at a time when Chinese sovereignty was being eroded by colonization, foreign concessions, and spheres of influence. Due to his heroic status, legends and myths about events in his life are difficult to discern from the facts.
In 1901, Huo Yuanjia responded to a challenge advertised by a wrestler from Russia in Xiyuan Park, Tianjin. The wrestler openly called the Chinese "weak men of the East" as no one accepted his challenge to a fight. The Russian forfeited when Huo Yuanjia accepted his challenge. The Russian told Huo that he was merely putting on a performance in order to make a living and made an apology for his earlier remark in the newspaper.

Between 1909 and 1910, Huo Yuanjia traveled to Shanghai twice to accept an open challenge posed by a British boxer Hercules O'Brien. The two of them had arguments over the rules governing such boxing matches and eventually agreed that whoever knocked down his opponent would be the victor. However, O'Brien never fought Huo, opting to leave town instead.
Huo Yuanjia

I'm sick and tired of paying these dues

Monday, December 21, 2009

untitled

"It needs to be big. Fucking huge. Bigger than MINCED CLAMS!"

-Crazy Uncle Isaac


Maybe I don't wanna be rogered roundly

Avatar review

also considered: Smurfs

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

3E bowl pick them: A slightly less brief history

Most of the records are lost in the limbo of history but we can all agree on one thing: I am (still) better than Charles in every way.

2005: Seven CRISIS games. I won five of them. I had won before New Year's Day.
2006: I won on the last day (via tiebreaker) by picking UF over THE ohio state university.
2007: Again, a tiebreaker victory for me.
2008: A new record of 15 CRISIS games. There was no tiebreaker. My picks outscored Charles's picks by four touchdowns yet somehow the Chuckwagon pulled it out.

So, It's 3 - 1. Astute readers will have noticed that I picked all favorites this season. The result: Without me picking the goofy picks I make solely because I want the opposite to happen, there's an all-time low of 5 CRISIS games:

Dec. 23rd: Cal vs Utah
Dec. 29th: UCLA vs Temple
Dec. 30th: Arizona vs Nebraska
Dec. 31st: Oklahoma vs Stanford
Jan. 2nd: South Carolina vs UConn

So, it will likely be over one way or the other before the new year, but I think we can all agree: If it comes down to the PPJ.c, that will be the single defining moment of our generation. I don't know if I could stand to see it in person. Watching it intermittently on tv will be hard enough.

Charles Bowl Picks

New Mexico: Fresno St. vs. Wyoming
Wyoming is a terrible football team, while Fresno State is merely bad.
My Pick: FRESNO STATE

St. Petersburg: Rutgers vs. UCF
This is on my short list for most likely to be the most boring bowl game. I'm going to pretend it's a play-in game for Rutgers to get into the Big 10, with the recent expansion talk and whatnot.
My Pick: RUTGERS BABY

R+L Carriers New Orleans: Southern Miss. vs. Middle Tenn.
Southern Miss is better than their record indicates, although they're not terribly good.
My Pick: SOUTHERN MISS

MAACO Las Vegas: BYU vs. Oregon State
I feel like Oregon State is the much better team, and they've won three straight bowl games, but I'm torn because they might (rightly) feel like this is a consolation game for losers. But then, BYU lost badly to Florida State.
My Pick: BEAVERS

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia: Utah vs. Cal
Utah wants to be here more, and Cal got bad at the end of the season.
My Pick: UTAH

Sheraton Hawaii: SMU vs. Nevada
SMU lost to both Washington State and (We are) Marshall.
My Pick: NEVADA

Little Caesars: Marshall vs. Ohio
As you may have noticed, I don't think too highly of Marshall.
My Pick:JOEHIO

Meineke Car Care: North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh
Nothing gets kids from North Carolina pumped up like a bus ride to Charlotte.
My Pick: PITTT

Emerald: Boston College vs. USC
BC has struggled mightily against anybody with a pulse. I don't have the foggiest idea what USC's deal is. Let's go with the team that's actually beaten some good opponents, even if they've lost to some inferior opponents.
My Pick: USC

Gaylord Hotels Music City: Clemson vs. Kentucky
Both of these teams lost to South Carolina. Kentucky as a team wants it more, but C. J. Spiller as a player wants it more; Spiller is better than Kentucky.
My Pick: CLEMSON

AdvoCare V100 Independence: Texas A&M vs. Georgia
I can't imagine either of these teams being terribly excited about this. As much as they've underachieved, Georgia hasn't lost to anybody as bad as TAMU.
My Pick: UGA

EagleBank: Temple vs. UCLA
Temple??? They've got to be excited to be there. Rick Neuheisel is a clown.
My Pick: Temple

Champs Sports: Miami vs. Wisconsin
I will be very surprised if Miami doesn't win this by at least two scores.
My Pick: DA U

Roady's Humanitarian: Idaho vs. Bowling Green
I wish Idaho and Temple had played. The Taters (my unofficial nickname for Idaho's team) gave up 30 or more points seven times.
My Pick: BOWLING GREEN

Pacific Life Holiday: Nebraska vs. Arizona
If King Kong Suh could nearly beat Texas by himself, he can beat Arizona by himself.
My Pick: NEWBRASKA

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces: Houston vs. Air Force
This should be a pretty exciting offensive shoot-out. I think Case Keenum should have been at the Heisman ceremony, although he shouldn't have won it.
My Pick:HOUSTON

Brut Sun: Oklahoma vs. Stanford
Didn't see this one coming in August, did you? Oklahoma is probably not terribly excited about this, while Standford has reason both to be excited (for the bowl) and upset (for Gerhart's losing the Heisman to a player with worse statistics).
My Pick: STANFORD

Texas: Missouri vs. Navy
If Missouri is ready for this game, and I think they will be, they win pretty easily.
My Pick: MISSOURI

Insight: Minnesota vs. Iowa State
Two of the worst offenses in the BCS conferences, if not the country. I'm picking more against Iowa State than I am for Minnesota.
My Pick: MINNESOTA

Chick-fil-A: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee
I'm probably letting my dislike of Lane Kiffin influence me too much, but Virginia Tech is a pretty good team, and Tennessee is just average. Two of the Hokies' three losses have come to conference champions.
My Pick: VPI

Outback: Northwestern vs. Auburn
SEC speed! This is actually kind of a bad match-up for Auburn, but I think the overall talent difference will mean that doesn't matter much. I also expect Auburn to have a nearly homefield crowd advantage.
My Pick: AUBURN

Capital One: Penn St. vs. LSU
Tough one to pick. I think LSU is a little better, but there's no telling how they'll play. Les Miles versus Joe Paterno is how I'm going.
My Pick: PENN STATE

Konica Minolta Gator: Florida State vs. West Virginia
Florida State has no defense. If West Virginia can just avoid shooting themselves in the foot, they win easily, even against a team that's pumped up for Bobby's last game (serious question: how many players on the FSU roster could Bowden name, if shown their faces? My guess is 60%).
My Pick: WEST VIRGINIA

Rose Bowl Game presented by Citi: Ohio St. vs. Oregon
Oregon has been underrated and unlucky for like eight years now. Ohio State does not have the offense to win this game.
My Pick: DUCKS

Allstate Sugar: Florida vs. Cincinnati
I was going to Pick Cincinatti, because Florida will be so disappointed, but with Brian Kelly leaving, and Tim Tebow leaving, I think the Gators will be more in the game, which gives Cincy little hope.
My Pick: FLORIDA

International: USF vs. Northern Illinois
If Jim Leavitt didn't punch that guy, his players will get behind an embattled, unfairly attacked coach. It sounds like he didn't. Neither of these teams comes in on what you'd call a hot streak.
My Pick: USF

Papajohns.com: Connecticut vs. South Carolina
It's difficult for me to take South Carolina entirely serious as a team.
My Pick: UCONN

AT&T Cotton: Oklahoma St. vs. Mississippi
Losers! Both of these teams failed to live up to expectations, and got whipped by inferior in-state rivals. At least Ole Miss showed signs of life against MSU; Oklahoma State was just embarassing against Oklahoma.
My Pick: OLE MISS

AutoZone Liberty: East Carolina vs. Arkansas
East Carolina has a terrible pass defense. Unless Arkansas turns the ball over several times, there's no reason to think they can't easily outscore the Pirates. Plus, without the magic talisman of East Carolina's midfield logo, they're in trouble.
My Pick: ARKANSAS

Valero Alamo: Michigan St. vs. Texas Tech
I'm seeing people make this a match-up of the best passing games of their respective conferences. If that's the criteria, it's a pretty easy choice which conference I'll take.
My Pick: TEXAS TECH YARRR

Tostitos Fiesta: TCU vs. Boise St.
Offense wins games, defense wins meaningless Fiesta Bowls.
My Pick: TCU

FedEx Orange: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech
Option time! Iowa is not as good, at the end of the season, as they were at the beginning. Georgia Tech's had some weird games, but their two losses didn't come right at the end of the season (well, one did). Whatever. I like Paul Johnson a lot.
My Pick: TECH

GMAC: Troy vs. Central Michigan
This should be a pretty exciting game. I like Central Michigan's high-flying offense better than Troy's, plus the Chippewas are arguably the best team in their state.
My Pick: CMU

Citi BCS National Championship Game: Alabama vs. Texas
I'd like to say that I think Alabama will be overconfident, or Texas will show that they're underrated, etc etc. But the Longhorns have only played two decent defenses, and they struggled against both. Alabama has an exceptional defense and a good enough offense.
My Pick: alabama

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICES

You want winners? I've got winners right here. Laboriously researched.


New Mexico Bowl
Dec. 19th
Fresno St. vs Wyoming

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Fresno
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

St. Petersburg Bowl
Dec. 19th
Rutgers vs UCF

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Rutgers
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

New Orleans Bowl
Dec. 20th
Middle Tennessee vs Southern Miss

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Southern Miss
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Las Vegas Bowl
Dec. 22nd
BYU vs Oregon St.

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Oregon St.
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Poinsettia Bowl
Dec. 23rd
Utah vs Cal

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: California
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Hawaii Bowl
Dec. 24th
SMU vs Nevada

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Nevada
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Little Caesars Bowl
Dec. 26th
Ohio vs Marshall

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Ohio
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Meineke Car Care Bowl
Dec. 26th
North Carolina vs Pitt

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Pitt
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Emerald Bowl
Dec. 26th
Boston College vs USC

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: USC
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Music City Bowl
Dec. 27th
Clemson vs Kentucky

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Clemson
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Independence Bowl
Dec. 8th
Texas A&M vs Georgia

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Georgia
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

EagleBank Bowl
Dec. 29th
Temple us UCLA

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: UCLA
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Champs Sports Bowl
Dec. 29th
Miami vs Wisconsin

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Miami
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Humanitarian Bowl
Dec. 30th
Idaho vs Bowling Green

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Bowling Green
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Holiday Bowl
Dec. 30th
Nebraska vs Arizona

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Arizona
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Armed Forces Bowl
Dec. 31st
Houston vs Air Force

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Houston
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Sun Bowl
Dec. 31st
Oklahoma vs Stanford

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Oklahoma
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Texas Bowl
Dec. 31st
Mizzou vs Navy

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Tha Zou
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Insight Bowl
Dec. 31st
Minnesota vs Iowa St.

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Minnesota
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Peach Bowl
Dec. 31st
Virginia Tech vs Tennessee

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: VPI
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Outback Bowl
Jan. 1st
Northwestern vs Auburn

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Auburn
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Gator Bowl
Jan. 1st
Florida St. vs West Virginia

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: WV
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Citrus Bowl
Jan. 1st
LSU vs Penn St.

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Penn St.
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Rose Bowl
Jan. 1st
Tosu vs Oregon

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Oregon
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Sugar Bowl
Jan. 1st
Cincy vs Florida

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Florida
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

International Bowl
Jan. 2nd
South Florida vs Northern Illinois

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: USF
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

The Original Pizza Bowl
Jan. 2nd
UConn vs South Carolina

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: South Carolina
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Cotton Bowl
Jan. 2nd
Ole Miss vs Oklahoma St.

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Ole Miss
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Liberty Bowl
Jan. 2nd
Arkansas vs East Carolina

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Arkansas
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Alamo Bowl
Jan. 2nd
Michigan St. vs Texas Tech

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: TT
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Fiesta Bowl
Jan. 4th
Boise St. vs TCU

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: TCU
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Orange Bowl
Jan. 5th
Iowa vs Georgia Tech

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: GIT
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

GMAC Bowl
Jan. 6th
Troy vs Central Michigan

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: CMU
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Stupid Bowl
Jan. 7th
Texas vs Alabama

THA CAPTAINZ CHOICE: Alabama
THE WHY FOR: Favored.

Life where it shouldn't be

The top ten places

This reminds of something that I would immediately do if I were president: seed Venus, Mars, and any of the likely moons of the universe with extremophile life, in case the earth should blow up or something terrible. That way, maybe life will survive somewhere else in the galaxy.

Mnemonics

An index thereof!

Not all of these are terribly helpful.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

More Irish Jokes!

Q: when was the last good Irish barbecue?
A: 1431, and it involved Joan of Arc

Q: Why don't the Irish Barbeque?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.

Q: How do you get an Irish waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.

Q: What's the difference between Ireland and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.

Q: Why do the Irish like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of Irish people, you can't really smell the cheese.

Q. What is the first thing the Irish Army teaches at basic training?
A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q. What is the most useful thing in the Irish Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

A collection of Irish jokes

Two Irish nuns are driving across the countryside when a vampire jumps onto the roof of their car.

"Quick Sister Josephina!" screams the driver. "Show him yer cross!"

The passenger nun leans out the window and yells "Up yours, cocksucker!"

---

Doctors have isolated a variation of Alzheimer's called Irish Alzheimer's -- you forget everything but the grudges.

---

These two Irishmen were looking for work. They saw a poster in the Post Office that said the police were looking for two men for murder, so they went down to the police station to apply.

When they got down there they saw a poster that the police were looking for two Pakistanis for rape. One said to the other, "Wouldn't you know it, those damn wogs get all the good jobs."

---

What's a seven-course Irish meal? A potato and a six-pack.

---

An IRA man dies and goes to heaven and is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, 'You can't come in, you've been bad.'

The IRA man says, 'I don't want to come in, you've got ten minutes to get out.'

---

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one. The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer. The Irishman pinched the fly by the wings and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT!" "SPIT IT OUT!"

---

Dunleavy and Brennan were out on a river one morning, fishing from their rowboat without much luck -- and needing something to quench their thirst. Suddenly, Dunleavy landed a large fish, who spoke to the two men: "Sure, if you let me go, I'll grant you a single wish." Before Brennan could speak, Dunleavy blurted, "Turn the river into beer!" The fish said, "Done," and hopped back into the river -- which changed moments later as the fish had promised. Dunleavy proudly said, "So whadya think of me now?" Brennan replied, "I think you're a feckin' idiot. Now we gotta piss in the boat."

---

And did you hear about the Irishman who went to Rome and got so drunk that he kissed his wife and beat the pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel?

---

Two nuns are riding their bicycles around Dublin trying to find their way back to the convent, but they're lost. After twenty minutes or so, one says, "I've never come this way before." The other gives a knowing nod, "It's the cobblestones."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Heisman

How bogus.
“The reason that I voted for Ingram, Tebow and McCoy was because I saw them play the most. I never saw Gerhart play an entire game (we work all day Saturday and Saturday night) and only saw a few minutes of Suh’s game against Texas. I refused to vote for somebody based on highlights. And I think you have to represent your part of the country; in fact, there used to be fine print on the paper ballots that instructed balloters to vote “with regard to your region.” However, I think it’s wrong to leave a player off your ballot completely just to help a player from your region, as apparently the case with some Big 12 voters on Tebow year. So I, too, an still unhappy about that injustice.”
Heisman voting

Rules about rumors

To make it easier to spread deception.

Monday, December 14, 2009

NCAA conferences geography


It turns out that the MAC makes the most sense geographically. C-USA makes the least. Ohio and Michigan should have a conference of their own.

Is it weird that Georgia only has two 1-A football programs? Is it weird that Troy is marked in the northwest corner of Alabama? How much does that bother you? A lot? But is that really a big deal? It is. Yes, it is.

from a single crazy eye

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Friday, December 11, 2009

From Tha Captainz Exploration Journal

... because I've never seen ice crystals like these. The way they reflect off the She-Polar-Bear's back makes my already stiff cock ache with blood and semen. This ice cavern is cold and almost blindingly bright from the bioluminescent algae but the inside of the bear is warm and dark.

Exploding inside her, I can only think of one thing. Will we be together forever? No. As the pick-axe penetrates her brain, I swear I see a spirit leave her body and enter mine. Maybe we will be together forever.

One cigarette and a shot of gin for the long hike down the glacier. Finally warm inside. I can't get over those ice crystals...

Bad clients

"I want this site to be really beautiful; a truly iconic web design. Something like Google, YouTube, or MySpace."

---

"The proof just has too much purple. Can you just pull out some of the purple ink? Like 2%?"
Clients from Hell

Thursday, December 10, 2009

3E Presents: Catchphrase Friday

You want to be the coolest cat on the block? You've got to have a catchphrase! With the weekend coming up, 3E is here to help. Now, everybody has a friend who likes to tell a big story. Next time they're telling a tall tale about beating up some biker or getting with a hot Asian chick, you lay 'em low with your own little bit of life trivia:

"That's nothing compared to the time me and Wes got caught having a naked tickle fight back stage at a Beyonce concert."

And, if somebody doubts your story, finish up with:

"Well, we was all tripping pretty hard, so the three of us just ended up making out for a while."

Be the coolest guy around this Friday, 'cause it's Catchphrase Friday.

some countries and then some numbers

So they had the group draw for the World Cup last week. You're not an insulated retard. You knew that. 3E will be doing a lavish, no-holds-barred preview over the coming months. You're not an insulated retard. You knew that. Since you might very well be an insulated retard here are the groups. Next to each team is the 3E Power Factor Soccer Edition Enhanced™. What does it mean? Bigger is better. It's science, you clowns.

Group A:
South Africa (- 15)
Mexico (+2)
Uruguay (-4)
France (+9)

Power Factor™ Total: (-8)

Group B:
Argentina (+11)
Nigeria (-7)
South Korea (-12)
Greece (+4)

Power Factor™ Total: (-4)

Group C:
England (+10)
USA (+7)
Algeria (-6)
Slovenia (-13)

Power Factor™ Total: (-2)

Group D:
Germany (+12)
Australia (-3)
Serbia (-1)
Ghana (-10)

Power Factor™ Total: (-2)

Group E:
Netherlands (+14)
Denmark (-5)
Japan (-11)
Cameroon (+5)

Power Factor™ Total: (+3)

Group F:
Italy (+13)
Paraguay (-2)
New Zealand (-14)
Slovakia (-8)

Power Factor™ Total: (-11)

Group H:
Brazil (+16)
North Korea (-16)
Ivory Coast (+1)
Portugal (+8)

Power Factor™ Total: (+ 9)

Group G:
Spain (+15)
Switzerland (+6)
Honduras (-9)
Chile (+3)

Power Factor™ Total: (+15)

Stomp clap

Stomp clap stomp stomp clap

slow loris

adorable

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

3E Presents: A Top 21 Things on the Internet: #7 Mobile Lephrechaun



The best part of this is the amateur sketch.

So, Alabama is alright, I guess, as far as states go. But it has its share of idiots and slow news days. Combine the two: magic.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

On The Office

1. The Office is the most depressing show on television
Suddenly, a romance that seemed like the natural progression for two quietly charming people revealed itself to be much more depressing.

All of Jim and Pam's witty asides and eyerolls in response to their officemates' antics have stopped being expressions of untapped potential and started to look like passive-aggressive attempts to undermine their peers—who are the only people who will socialize with them.

For audiences, Jim—more so than Pam—has served as a pressure valve for all of the overstimulated personalities on the show by responding to his absurd coworkers the only rational way: with sarcasm and bafflement. The whole point of Jim was that he held the promise that at some point he would get his act together enough to break out of the confines of Dunder Mifflin. He's the relatable protagonist for anyone (read: everyone) who has ever been trapped in a middling situation and found the only defense to be sarcasm and bemusement.

Now Jim has developed into the most depressing archetype: a mediocre man who has already realized his full potential.

Gone is Jim's charming lack of enthusiasm for his job. Now he's proving exactly where a lack of drive is likely to lead you—to the mediocrity of middle management, where one is gripped by the fear of losing whatever corner of inanity you've carved for yourself in the workplace.
2. Jumping the Shark and the Bear Market
The Office avoided this phenomenon by marrying off Jim and Pam rather humbly, by avoiding "very special episodes" and dramatic cliff-hangers. What it couldn't avoid was a Bear Market.

The show, which I still count among my all-time favorites, has lost its teeth.

We just don't hate work anymore. At least not collectively. And it would be imprudent to sit around jawing and joshing about the hassles of the job when so many people would love the same hassles.

The show, then, is a kind of bellweather.

Witness. Two weeks after the financial dizzy spell, one of the show's best episodes aired. Michael goes on a business trip to Winnipeg. Meanwhile, Pam is finally away at art school, living her dream. In the early days, the business trip would have been a pathetic, desolate situation set against the big-city, self-actualizing activity of Pam's graphic design. There would have been a message about the quiet desperation of employment. (And, for good measure, the quiet desperation of Western Canada).

Instead, Winnipeg turns out to be surprisingly fun and Pam fails art school.

In an amazing moment of both downward mobility and romance, she tells Jim, "I'm coming back the wrong way. It's not because of you. I don't like Graphic design. That's it. I miss Scranton. It's not because of you." She smiles.

Sure, Pam has a tall, hunky Polish fella to come back to, but the fact remains that, after five seasons, her career hasn't advanced and the river she'd always looked to as her way out has dried up. But characters trapped in their jobs come to love being trapped.

three(e) hundred dollars

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Friday, December 04, 2009

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

3E Presents: A Top 21 Things on the Internet: #8 Latarian Milton



Nothing that kid ever does will be as awesome as this.