Garage Days Revisited: 10/01/2003

…and DRINKING!

1. I guess it was just meant to be this way. After a botched attempt last printing to change the title of this column, I’ve accepted the fact that 5 things is an institution too entrenched for me to change. Jon Stewart may have phased-out “5 questions” from “The Daily Show”, but there will be no such changing of the guard under this editorial regime.

I just didn’t try hard enough. More Daily Show. Seriously, did I watch the Daily Show a lot?

2. There are few things in this world that make me as happy as seeing Alabama lose to a team that none of their fans has ever heard of. Of course, this means any team outside the SEC other than Notre Dame and Penn State. Most normal college football fans know about Northern Illinois and know that being beaten by them is nothing to be ashamed of. However, for people refusing to leave the 60’s and 70’s (a.k.a. Alabama fans), being beaten by a team that doesn’t have “tradition” (a.k.a. was good in the 60’s and 70’s) is a sacrilege to the memory of the Bear. Wake up and smell the parity. The days when a handful of teams could monopolize talent without the weight of scholarship restrictions are over. There are not sure-wins these days, even for “mighty” Bama.

This sucks.

I was wrong. Alabama is the best team on the planet again.

3. Here’s a riddle: What do all Juniors, Sophomores, and Freshmen have to have about 400 of and we Seniors don’t? The answer, of course, is these so-called “cultural events.” Yes, my class was the last to slip through the cracks before the powers-that-be clamped down on everything except acceptance rate. We men got to live in Cullen Daniels (note to freshman girls on the third floor: don’t let exposed skin touch the carpets.), we got to serve ourselves in the Cafeteria (albeit, a cafeteria without a Deli Depot or an Icee machine), and of course we aren’t herded into one enlightening cultural experience after another. To me, all common hour means is that there will be an inordinate number of people in Norton.

Acceptanceratesnaps!

I bet some of my pubes are still stuck to the fire alarm in Cullen Daniel. Also, I hated it so much when Norton was really crowded. SO MUCH.

4. If there’s one thing that I’ve gained from my BSC education, it’s the fact that duct tape will remove paint from non-cinder-block walls, not to mention parts of the wall itself. If anyone else has come to this same chilling conclusion via experience, panic not. Our good friend and perpetual savior, Sherwin-Williams, might just happen to have the right kind of paint available.

Who could have seen this coming?

5. If there’s one thing that I’ve gained from my BSC education, it’s the fact that if a 250-plus pound individual is forcefully introduced by anonymous methods into a non-cinder-block wall, the wall will bear the brunt of this encounter. If anyone has come to this same harrowing conclusion via experience, panic not. Our good friend and chronic redeemer, Mr. Drywall-Repair-Kit, is alert and awaiting your arrival at a fine Home-Improvement store near you.

Say it with me: REPITITION.

Eric Fillebaum: what a fattie! I miss BSC. Good times. That’s what happens when you try to pin people.

Later, boners.