Garage Days Revisited: 09/10/2003

Originally submitted as: “Poorly Organized Paragraphs.” I never liked the “5 Things” title and I hoped that, as EDITOR/OVERLORD, I could title my article whatever I wanted. Guess not. Looking back, that title might suck even harder.

1. Before I even opened the Sporting News College Football Preview which has Auburn ominously picked as its #1, I knew what they were going to say to justify their pick. Auburn bears a slight resemblance to last year’s national championship team, Ohio State. A good running game, good offensive line, good front seven on defense and an unspectacular quarterback who doesn’t try to do too much and instead relies on the athletes around him. And just as I don’t think Ohio State was the best team last year, I don’t think these things make Auburn the best team this year. With an untested secondary and kicking game, Auburn has just the right holes (plus the fact that Auburn is notorious for poor performance as a favorite) to lose several key games this year and earn a holiday in beautiful Shreveport, Louisiana.

I don’t like anything I’ve ever written about football.

2. Please note my powers of prediction, as the above opinion was written before Auburn barely beat out South Florida for most disappointing performance of the first full Saturday of college football.

…because South Florida lost to Alabama. Warning to 2003 Wes: This might be the best year of your life. Don’t let Auburn’s foibles get you down.

3. I know that I said this last year and I know that I survived without one, but I seriously think that my common room is a perfect place for a school sponsored hot tub. With this being my last year at Birmingham-Southern, it’s my last chance to really enjoy an indoor, academically distracting, space wasting hot tub. I’m sure there’s a successful BSC alumnus out there sporting a few stacks of unused twenties with “recreational endowment” written all over them.

Now, I’m that alumnus. Too bad everyone at BSC is a jerk, or I might buy some of them a hot tub.

4. No summer wrap-up could be complete without mention of whom we thought was our last bastion of sexual cleanliness and perpetual modesty but has now been revealed as the princess of carnal debauchery: Britney Spears. In what can only be described as a senses-shatteringly shocking confession, Miss Spears willingly admitted to committing loathsome sins of the flesh with then boy-pal Justin Timberlake. Parents everywhere are encouraged to burn any semblance of this despicably desecrated diva and encourage your impressionable children to look to more wholesome and unspoiled role models, like the princess of prudence herself, Christina Aguilera.

BIG WORDS. ALLITERATION.

5. As the new Op/Ed Editor of The Hilltop News, I feel like it’s my duty to protect you, the reader, from idiot writers, like I was before accepting this position. I understand now why I was not allowed to submit the following articles over the last two years: no less than three sections committed entirely to whining about not having anything to write about; a section dealing with the American legacy of Pearl Harbor written entirely in binary code; something I still don’t know why I wrote involving Yoda and venomously bashing the Fox Network, Good Charlotte, and recycling; a sentence composed entirely of the word words in hopes of making my word count reach five-hundred; a joke about Finland; something about how much I like Milo’s Sweet Tea and at least two sections devoted to whining about having to re-write any of the above sections because they were too asinine to put into print.

This again. I think I had just learned the definition of ‘asinine.’ I enjoy these a lot more when I’ve been drinking. Let’s try that for the next article.