Tuesdays with West

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_HOUSE_ SEASON FINALE (EPISODE TITLE: "LOVE HURTS")
FINAL DRAFT

DIRECTOR CHANGES IN BLUE, WRITER CHANGES IN RED

FINAL SCENE

FADE IN: HOUSE walks along the beach. He is limping slightly, but carries his cane. He is talking on a cellphone. The viewers can hear the voice on the other line.

HOUSE: This was the greatest medical mystery I've ever faced. But like any puzzle I solved it, in forty-eight action-packed minutes.

VOICE: Did you, House MD?

HOUSE: Of course I did! The vice president is going to be fine, since I realized his pimaloma disease was the result of having been secretly injected with my leg muscles. Now he'll be fine, after a few more oriphorenal injections and some routine glaucomocha testing. I still have my gruff but lovable exterior, and my leg is healing.

VOICE: But there's one thing you still haven't solved.

HOUSE [taking two vicodin]: I have a pain problem, not a drug problem!

VOICE: That's not what I mean.

HOUSE: A broken heart is not a medical condition.

VOICE: And yet you could solve it, so easily.

HOUSE: How?

VOICE: Turn around.

HOUSE: Did you just hang up on me?

A VOICE FROM BEHIND: House!

HOUSE [spinning around, handsomely disheveled]: How did you get here?

WEST: I was always here, House.

HOUSE and WEST embrace, kissing passionately.

WEST: I knew I needed to be here for you, in your moment of greatest triumph.

HOUSE: And greatest defeat. How can I call myself the world's greatest medical maverick If I can't save the person I love most?

WEST: It's fine, House, my love. I just wanted to spend my last few minutes alone with you.

HOUSE: It's not fair!

WEST: Don't you always say, life isn't fair? Don't let it bother you; let's just HURGHH --

WEST collapses in the beach. Copious red fluid pours from his nostils.

HOUSE: No!

WEST: Go on, House, go without me. It ain't everything.

HOUSE: It ain't, it ain't ... taint!

HOUSE turns WEST over and pulls down WEST's speedo.

HOUSE: I have to hurry!

HOUSE lifts WEST's scrotal sac. There is a massive purplish growth. HOUSE punctures it with a ballpoint pen. Copious red fluid pours out.

WEST [weakly]: House? Is that you?

HOUSE: You're going to be fine. I should have known it was scrotal myopathic inhibition syndrome! We're going to be together a long time.

WEST: I love you.

[They kiss. SCENE].