Tuesdays with Scott and West

[In December 2004 a Mobile and Cellular Division of the 3E Department of Communications subcommittee approved a resolution to record all telephone conversations between Tri Epsilon members. Most of these recordings were lost in a bar bet in July 2008, but 3E still possesses six discs of call logs. One of the transcripts is reproduced here.]

SL: Hello?

WB: Scrotizzle my nizzle! What's the wizzle dizzle?

SL: What? Hello? Wes, is that you?

WB: You know it. How's it going?

SL: Good, good. We just got the bocce court leveled, so that's out of the way. Been a big pain for weeks now. You coming to Ted and Stephanie's tonight?

WB: Man, I don't know. That's not really my style. There's all those ... people. Talking. Gives me the willies. And I told some people I'd go to the women's basketball game tonight.

SL: Oh, come on. You never go to these things.

WB: Maybe that should tell you something.

SL: I heard there's gonna be Connect 4.

WB: Oh, wow, did it just get arousing in here? I might swing by. I need to be in Birmingham anyway. That's why I called -- who's that bookie you use? Fat Freddie or something like that?

SL: Big Vinnie! Great guy. Strong hands. Masculine hands. What about him?

WB: Well, it looks like my guy in town bailed or died or something, even though he owed me sixty bucks, and now I need a new bookie. Plus, after the last guy, I figure it would be good to have a guy who doesn't live near me.

SL [laughing]: Oh yeah, that was a lot of stitches. The drunkest I've ever been, I think. At least that I can remember.

WB: So you got a number for Vinnie?

SL: No, he doesn't have a number. He's always at the same booth at the Southside Ruby Tuesday's, drinking Amstel Light. I'll take you by tonight.

WB [chewing loudly]: Yeah, sounds good. Listen, I've got something else to ask you. A medical question.

SL: Hey, I told you that --

WB: Wait, now, this is --

[:26 OF CROSSTALK]

SL: -- last time I will do one! Besides, there are free clinics all over Auburn. Remember, I showed you two, and there's one like a block away from your apartment. And I'm not driving another freshman nursing major anywhere. Ever!

WB: That's not how that happened, you're misrepresenting what happened, and I don't even know that girl. But this isn't like that. I've got something on my lower back; I think it's a growth of some kind. Can you look at it?

SL: Sure, I can; I will tonight.

WB: I'm kind of worried about it now, though.

SL [sighing loudly]: Fine, Wes. It's on your lower back? Can you see it? What's it look like?

WB: Your phone can get images, right? Let me send you a picture.

SL: Okay.

WB: [hushed but audible cursing]

WB: Okay sent it. It's on its way.

SL: Alright, got it.

WB: ...

SL: Is this your anus?

WB: I don't know. Is it?

SL: Man! I fall for that every time.

WB: Yeah you do. Sucker!

SL: Uh, well, see you tonight.

WB: Unless I see you first!

[click]