You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Manchester United

Location: Trafford, Greater Manchester. Not actually the city of Manchester, as City fans will tirelessly point out.

Nickname: The Red Devils.

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: Old Trafford. Comfortably first in the EPL with a capacity of just over 76,ooo. American homerism: That would make it eighth in the SEC.

Crest: The sausagesque letterboxes always make me uncomfortable. The cubist devil always makes me giggle.

Season So Far: They've already won the Club World Cup, the Community Shield, and the League Cup; the three scrub trophies of the possible six they're shooting for. In the semifinals of the FA cup, the quarterfinals of the Champions League, and have a four point lead at the top of the premier league with a game in hand. Before getting skulled by Liverpool over the weekend, they had won eleven straight and had looked almost impossible to score against, much less beat.

General vibe to a casual American fan: Pure giganticism. By almost all accounts, the richest, most powerful club in the world. There are more Manchester United fans in China alone than there are people in the United States. I made that up, but it's probably true. They love the EPL in the far east. Universally disliked by all other fan bases in England to the point where most fans have a preferred team and also identify themselves as "ABU" or "Anyone But United." They've got Notre Dame's sense of self-entitlement, Alabama's bandwagoniness, and Miami's arrogance. Also too, Cristiano Ronaldo: possibly the most vain, self-aggrandizing person on the planet. Still, Paul Scholes can do this and you can't.