Tuesdays with John

THE COFFEESHOP, or, JOHN THE BIGOT:
A play in one act

[SCENE: a suburban chain coffee shop, empty except for the BARISTA behind the counter - an extremely pleasant, college-aged woman wearing an apron.]

[enter: JOHN]

JOHN: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ARE OPENING ANOTHER TACO BELL ON MY OWN STREET! HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? THE LAST THING WE NEED IN THIS TOWN IS ANOTHER HAVEN FOR THOSE BORDER CROSSERS!

BARISTA: Welcome to The Daily Grind, America's third-fastest growing coffee chain! How can I help you?

JOHN: YOUNG LADY HELLO. I NEED SOME SUSTENANCE FOR MY WALK HOME, NOW THAT I HAVE TO GO TEN BLOCKS OUT OF THE WAY TO AVOID THAT CHINESE LAUNDRY.

BARISTA: Um, okay. Would you like something to drink? We're famous for our fresh ground coffee!

JOHN: WELL MAYBE. I TRY TO AVOID HOT, COLORED DRINKS. IS IT GOOD?

BARISTA: Absolutely! We use only the finest Arabica.

JOHN [sputtering]: ARABICA! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU PEOPLE TERRORIST SYMPATHIZERS?

BARISTA: No, no, sir, it's the species of coffee plant it comes from. It's not from anywhere in Arabia.

JOHN: WHEW THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

BARISTA: It's fair trade coffee from from Central America!

JOHN: SWEET ANGLO JESUS! I CAN'T DRINK THAT.

BARISTA: Oh, I'm sorry sir -- I guess you don't want a cappuccino then, either.

JOHN: THOSE SPAGHETTI-BENDERS ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE COLOMBIANS? I'VE GOT TO GET THIS INTO THE NEWSLETTER! IF I EVER GET HOME, I MEAN. WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK?

BARISTA: Maybe you'd like some hot tea? Our most popular blend is English Breakfast.

JOHN: IT FIGURES THOSE LIMEY POOFS WOULD BE INVOLVED. WELL, THEY'RE MOSTLY WHITE IN ENGLAND, RIGHT? I'LL TAKE IT.

BARISTA: Great! I'll go get that started. But did you want something to eat? If so, a bagel might hit the spot, and we've got six --

JOHN: A BAGEL! DO I LOOK LIKE A BANKER TO YOU?

BARISTA: Or, uh, we've got some grilled panini sandwiches.

JOHN [looking faint, leaning against the counter for support]: MORE PAPISTS IN THIS FAIR LAND!

BARISTA: Er, it's a little late in the day, but we've got these new breakfast quesadillas --

JOHN: [vomits]

BARISTA: Oh my God! Are you alright?

JOHN: YES, YES, I'M FINE. I JUST NEED SOMETHING TO EAT. HOW ABOUT THOSE MUFFINS? GOOD OLD AMERICAN MUFFINS.

BARISTA: Yes sir! I'm afraid all we've got out right now is lemon poppy-seed.

JOHN: POPPY SEED! I WON'T SUPPORT THOSE TAFFY-PULLING TURKS!

BARISTA: Um, let me check in the back to see if we've got any blueberry.

JOHN: THAT'S MIGHTY WHITE OF YOU.

[exit: BARISTA]

JOHN: WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO, WHEN YOU CAN'T GET A GOOD, DECENT, GOD-FEARING AMERICAN BEVERAGE?

[enter: EVE MENDEZ with two BODYGUARDS]

JOHN: OH NO. KEEP IT TOGETHER JJ.

EVE MENDEZ: John, is that you?

JOHN: OH, HELLO, YES, HI EVE.

EVE MENDEZ: John, you look good! How are things going?

JOHN: OH, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL. I STARTED A MAGAZINE.

EVE MENDEZ: Oh wow, how exciting!

JOHN: WELL IT'S JUST, UH, ONLINE, BUT WE HAD 320 UNIQUE VISITORS LAST MONTH.

EVE MENDEZ: That sound fascinating! We need to get together some time so you can tell me more about it.

JOHN: OH, YEAH, NO, I DON'T KNOW, EVE, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE YOU LEFT ME AT THAT RESTAURANT.

EVE MENDEZ: Oh, John, I feel awful about that every day. I really believed I was just going to the restroom. You know how things are. I never meant to hurt you. I certainly didn't want you to wait all night for me.

JOHN: AND THE NEXT DAY.

EVE MENDEZ: But we had some fun, didn't we? Wait here, let me go order my coffee.

JOHN [aside, to himself]: CONCENTRATE, JJ, KEEP IT COOL. THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU. KEEP STRONG.

EVE MENDEZ [writing something on a piece of paper]: I'm shooting a Orangina ad this month in town. This is the number where I'll be staying. Give me a call! We can have dinner, drinks. Maybe even [lowering her voice and leaning toward John seductively] another night in the hot tub.

JOHN: YES I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH I -- NO! I MUST BE STRONG! YOU AND YOUR NAFTA SUPERHIGHWAY WILL BE THE END OF US ALL! AWAY FROM ME, FOUL TEMPTRESS!

[JOHN shoves EVE MENDEZ to the ground]

EVE MENDEZ: What! How dare you! Leo, Toots, show this guy some manners!

[the two BODYGUARDS begin to beat JOHN in the kidneys]

JOHN: OW!

[enter: BARISTA]

BARISTA: We were out of English Breakfast, so I made you some Indian spice chai. I hope that's alright! Sir?

[curtains]