Graduate School Pseudofiction

6:30 AM. Darkened office. Graduate Student A enters, turns on the lights. Graduate Student B sits in a swiveling office chair.

Graduate Student A: Wow. I'm not doing the shots. I told you not to show up.

Graduate Student B: I know, it's a really bad idea. Good story, though.

Graduate Student B lights a menthol cigarette, inhales, coughs.

Graduate Student A: You started smoking? When?

Graduate Student B: Last night. I'm trying to quit, though.

Graduate Student A: What?

Graduate Student B: We both know why I'm here.

Graduate Student A: No we don't. I mean, I guess we do, but it's not really worth saying so ominously.

Graduate Student B: We don't have to drink this.

Graduate Student B produces what appears to be a bottle filled with water.

Graduate Student A: What is that?

Graduate Student B: Rum. And vodka... mixed.

Graduate Student A: Did you take that from my house?

Graduate Student B: Yeah. I thought it was pretty obvious.

Graduate Student A: Not really.

Graduate Student B: Apparently not.

Graduate Student A: Okay, yeah, we definitely don't need to drink that. I have to teach in 25 minutes.

Graduate Student B: I just wanted you to know I was serious.

Graduate Student A: Yeah, I realize that. You win.

Graduate Student B: I know. And you know what else? It's up to you whether anyone else even knows I was here. We can say I didn't show and that will be that.

Graduate Student A: I don't care. I'll say you were here and I wouldn't do the shots, it actually reflects pretty well on me.

Graduate Student B: Then I guess I'll do the shots.

Graduate Student B takes a significant sip from the bottle.

Graduate Student A: Come on.

Graduate Student B: Otherwise it wouldn't reflect well on me.

Graduate Student A: You're pretty worried about what people think of you.

sip.

Graduate Student B: I'm all about appearances. So what's it gonna be? What am I going to say when people start showing up in a few hours? Your call.

Graduate Student A: Tell them the truth. Do the shots, I don't care, you called me on this. You win.

gulp.

Graduate Student B: I know.

Graduate Student A: Have you been up all night?

gulp.

Graduate Student B: Yeah, smoking. Also energy drinks. I watched The Royal Tenenbaums. Did you know that's Gene Hackman's character's name? Last chance, do you want any of this?

Graduate Student A: No, I'm okay.

extended gulp.

Graduate Student B: You are okay. You're actually alright. I thought you were a dickweed the first time I heard you talk.

Graduate Student B discards the empty bottle.

Graduate Student A: Yeah, I've heard this story. Look, there's something I have to go do.

Graduate Student B: Your morning shit. I know. I'll call you when you get in there.

Graduate Student A: Don't do that.

Graduate Student B: Then I'll just come with you.

bathroom.

Graduate Student A: This is weird.

Graduate Student B: I guess.

office. 15 minutes later.

Graduate Student A: I don't know why you're telling me this.

Graduate Student B: Probably because I just drank a water bottle filled with liquor.

Graduate Student A: Whatever, I have to teach now. Stay away from my wife.

Graduate Student B: I'm coming to your class.

Graduate Student A: Whatever.

curtains.