Garage Days Revisited: 04/25/2002

Sure, the lamely-titled "5 Things" was certainly good enough for its time (long, long ago) and place (The Hilltop News, BSC's student "newspaper") but how has it withstood the inevitable march of time? And perhaps more pertinently, the March of Dimes? This is the original, painstakingly reproduced in vibrant black and white. Comments follow each "thing" and are italicized for the reader's convenience.


1. In what I would consider music’s greatest loss since Kurt Cobain (excluding possibly George Harrison) Layne Staley was found dead in his Seattle Apartment on Friday, April 19. He had led a troubled life, in and out of rehab for addiction to heroin and it was debatable whether or not he would have ever made any further contribution to the musical world. However, the music he and his Alice In Chains band mates did create in his all-too-short career was as beautiful as his death was ugly. In only a handful of albums, Alice In Chains created more beauty from ugliness and explored more musical territory than the plethora of bands that they have inspired (see: Creed, Nickelback, Staind, Puddle of Mudd) can ever hope to.

We're off to a fantastic start! I make Rolling Stone magazine look indie by comparison. I'm cringing so hard I'm starting to cramp up. Also too, why is "apartment" capitalized?

2. It’s a whole lot easier to just not wear socks. If there’s one thing that you can say about college its exactly that. Now that warm weather is here and I’ve joined the UPS truck drivers in breaking out the shorts again, socks are just too much of a hassle. I would hazard to guess that socks take the longest to put on of any article of clothing in relation to the amount of body covered. So put away your socks and get out your talcum powder and save a little time when you get dressed tomorrow morning.

Way to steal the UPS joke from theonion.com, asshole! You really can't underestimate the limb I was perched on by telling college kids to wear sandals.

3. The fortune in my fortune cookie on Wednesday was a biting social commentary. As I quickly opened the wrapper and discarded the less interesting element of the fortune cookie package, I looked with great interest to the little scrap of paper hidden within. “Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it.” What the hell is this? Is Zack de la Rocha working in a fortune cookie factory somewhere? I want to hear about if I’m going to get rich or find the love of my life, not some random sociological diatribe.

Not too bad. The "less interesting element" is the cookie! Do you see what I did there? The casual swearing doesn't seem too forced. Again, I'm pretty sure I stole the Zack de la Rocha line, though. Shockingly, I did spell his name correctly. Update: I've neither gotten rich nor found the love of my life.

4. Sure, North is going to be nice and all, but I’m really going to miss urinals. Would it be too much to ask to have one of these gender-specific waste receptacles specially put in my suite bathroom next year? Couldn’t we just rip one out of Cullen-Daniel? Maybe I’ll just walk over to my old stomping grounds in New Men’s every once in a while.

North, Cullen Daniel, and New Men's are dorms, for the zero people reading this who don't know. "gender-specific waste receptacles" sounds like something an ostensibly and stereotypically smart person would say on a dumbed-down sitcom (Two and a Half Men, where you at?). Then again, I was writing for BSC students. Update: I never went back to New Men's.

5. I sure am excited about the new fraternity row. Every time I drive by and see the houses going up, I can’t help but think of all the time I won’t spend in them, all the girls I won’t hit on at their parties, all the opaque containers I won’t drink from in them, all the household appliances I won’t throw from their roofs, and all the fun in general I won’t have at them.

Sarcasm! Update: Believe it or not, I didn't go to them much! One of the few times I did, I got a hummer on the bathroom floor, though. Sometimes you win.