Garage Days Revisited: 01/31/2003

I don’t think this was published. Not necessarily because it’s so obviously ambivalent to any rules of actual journalism, but because the paper had fallen on tough times. Or something. So, now that Charles has actually made this site public knowledge, the number of people who have read this will LITERALLY skyrocket beyond two. Another little bit of juicy inside info: I submitted this with the title “5 steps for impregnating your teenage sister.”

1. First let me just say that everyone should take this column very seriously. To get our brains back in gear for the new semester, lets start with a little vocabulary lesson (blatantly stolen from the pages of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).
ba-nal: adj. … : lacking originality, freshness, or novelty : TRITE, see INSIPID.
ster-ile: adj. … : c. lacking in stimulating emotional or intellectual quality : LIFELESS.
ex-pur-gate: vt. … : to cleanse of something morally harmful, offensive, or erroneous; esp : to expunge objectionable parts from before publication or presentation.

I think I’m so cool, but I’m not.

2. ''You take No. 54 (linebacker Dontarious Thomas), I was surprised how fast he was going sideways, but going upfield, they didn't want it. It's the SEC. They go against passing schools. They don't know how to take on (isolation) blocks, don't know how to take a pounding. We didn't exploit that.''
-Penn State tailback Larry Johnson after averaging less than half of his season average per carry. Shut up, Larry.

If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to offer her to Dontarious Thomas. Eat her, nail her, whatever you want, Big D. I’m just kidding. I would offer her to Reggie Torbor.

As long as Larry Johnson lines up in their backfield, I will always hate the Chiefs.

3. So the other day, we rented “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” for GameCube. Now, my roommate and editor isn’t as initiated into the Star Wars circle as I am, so he asked me to briefly summarize the 5 movies up to this point. Fair enough. So I’m going through (keep in mind, I’m not a huge fan myself so its not too easy) and I’m on The Empire Strikes Back and Charles makes the observation that Yoda doesn’t appear in the original Star Wars. I was totally blown away. He has become so associated with the entire Star Wars culture yet does not appear in the original film. If this wasn’t a truly thought provoking subject, I don’t know what is. I then watched an over-the-top pseudo-journalistic documentary on the Fox network hosted by Mitch Pileggi (they present all information in such a fair and balanced manner!), listened to some Good Charlotte (I love that heavy music!), recycled some aluminum cans (anything to save the Earth!), and went to bed.

Charles, you were such a loser! Who needs a summary of Star Wars? GAY.

As for the rest of this, obviously Good Charlotte and recycling are both still lame. Also too, I think I was the first person ever to make fun of FOX.

4. The only reason I’m even writing 5 things for this paper is because my editor gave me a vanilla coke to do it. I really didn’t feel like it and couldn’t think of anything that was funny and entertaining without being blasphemous, crude, or offensive. So here we go. Words words words. Alright. I hope you people are happy. Hey, what will happen to a Finnish sailor whose boat is caught in a storm? Hel-sinki!

Vanilla Coke: good.

5. The only reason I took the time to finish this article before the deadline was so that my editor wouldn’t put in a 5th thing relating to the inadequacies of the Norton Cafeteria’s interim schedule. Its not that this isn’t a subject worth writing about, its just that I don’t want to hear other people whining about it so I’m just trying to set a good example. Really, I enjoyed eating salads (often having to resort to low-fat ranch dressing) for 3 meals a day. Therefore the last thing I want to hear is some pampered liberal-arts student complaining about it. It’s a good thing I wrote this then, or else you would have to read that kind of garbage.

I really, really didn’t want to write this. Also, I miss Interim.