Garage Days Revisited: 09/05/2002

A summer has passed. I'm a few months older, a little more experienced, and generally happier. The confluence of greatness known as 3E has been established. The end product: despite the incompetence of my alcoholic, boy-hungry editor, these aren't that bad. I would take the worst of them against the best from my previous effort. Own back: patted. Also important to note: writing these was still fun at this point. Also also important to note: fifteen dollars. Shakespeare's got to get paid.

1. My common room is the perfect place for an institutionally funded hot tub. I think we’ve spent enough money on such trivial academia such as revolving chalkboards, little remote control answering thingies (its like we’re voting on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”), new science centers, and lets not forget adequate parking (sic). Why not invest in our futures…our dermatological futures. A hot tub is the perfect place to relax after a tough day of class and labs. You can just sit back and enjoy full-body exfoliation! Has anyone seen the results a hot tub can have on grades and quality of research? I haven’t, but I’m sure it would be pretty impressive. And as far as community-building goes, nothing brings strangers together like a hot tub. Who needs ice-breakers when you’ve got a huge vat of scalding-hot water complete with powerful massage jets?

Complaining about parking? Way to step out there, Wes. Really, other than the AFHV reference, I can't complain that much about this one. I like it. The hot tub idea was what really brought 3E together. When we finally got together in one at Ted's lake house, it was better than anyone could have ever imagined.

2. Reality Television is really stupid. All of it. I’ve hated MTV’s “The Real World” since its inception (aside from a brief moment of weakness last year, God forgive me). And so far, nothing the networks have crapped out has done anything to change my mind about this plague to television everywhere. I have a real life and I know a lot of real people and they’re good enough for me, so I don’t need to watch a bunch of idiots play to the camera and try to win money. I like my television nice, scripted, acted, and most of all fake.

I still can't believe I spent the better part of an afternoon watching "The Real World." Complaining about reality TV is passe now, but back then it was fresh, trust me.

3. Why isn’t anyone else terrified that Birmingham-Southern is drastically unprepared for a West Nile Virus epidemic? All I know is that when it does strike, the 6% of applicants who didn’t get into the school will be really relieved.

As for the West Nile, I'm still worried about this. As for the acceptance rate crack...take that, BSC! "Self-selection" is just another way to say "nobody wants to come to your school."

4. If you’re in a band and you’re making posters, don’t put pictures of yourselves on the posters (unless you’re Britney Spears). Case in point: Nickelback. Who wants to look at the guys in Nickelback? Nobody. So why am I going to buy a poster of 4 boring people with blank expressions on their faces? Case in point: Pink Floyd. Who wants to look at the guys in Pink Floyd? Nobody. Even if I weren’t a Pink Floyd fan, however, I would be tempted to buy their posters. I mean, who can argue with 6 naked ladies sitting by a pool with Pink Floyd album covers (which are really cool in the first place) painted on their bare backs? Nobody.

Nothing like a poster sale to get the prose flowing. Wow. I really hate Nickelback. I still have that Pink Floyd poster up in my room. Also too, Britney Spears had different connotations back then. It gave me a sleazy pedophile vibe that really sold on the Hilltop.

5. I hate censorship. There is nothing that rakes my leaves more than writing something that is really inspired, biting, funny (I would go as far as to say “hilarious”), chilling, and thought-provoking and then having my dreams crushed and my voice silenced by the-powers-that-be. The student body (or at least those with reading capacity) of Birmingham-Southern deserve to hear what I have to say. Yet they are rendered deaf (or at least deaf to newsprint) by those who would find my views “asinine,” “ridiculously juvenile,” or “so stupid it makes me want to head-butt my mom.” To hell with them. I will be heard.

I don't remember what awesome thing I had written but one thing is for sure: I'm still bitter that Charles "Buzz Killington" Roberts didn't let me put it in the paper. I like the phrase "rakes my leaves." Another shot at BSC and its student body, what's up with that? As for the "head-butt my mom" bit, it looks stupid now, but at the time I was really into realultimatepower.net so it seemed cool. On a related note, did you know 3E was founded by ninjas? It was, apparently.