Garage Days Revisited: 03/05/2003

Mmmmmm, 5things sausage. The collected scraps of the last few tries. I’m a little bit curious as to why number five is just blank. I doubt this was published either. Original submitted title: “Tom Clancy’s OpCenter” which made me laugh out loud when I read it a minute ago.

Parts of this column are the only printable pieces of the sizeable mass of literature I wrote over January and February for the lost printings of the Hilltop News. What you won’t be seeing here: no less than three sections committed entirely to whining about not having anything to write about; a section dealing with the American legacy of Pearl Harbor written entirely in binary code; something I still don’t know why I wrote involving Yoda and venomously bashing the Fox Network, Good Charlotte, and recycling; a sentence composed entirely of the word words in hopes of making my word count reach five-hundred; a joke about Finland; something about how much I like Milo’s Sweet Tea; and at least two sections devoted to whining about having to re-write any of the above sections because they were too asinine to put into print.

Yep. It was Pearl Harbor! If there were a 5 Things DVD, you would have gotten all this stuff in the “extras” section.

2. Here’s an idea: how about instead of you listening to Ja Rule, Ludicrous, etc. you just pay me to come to your room and glorify my misogynistic leanings by saying them as I kick a catchy, rhythmic beat on your wall? The conclusion I’ve come to is that people will ignore what you’re saying, no matter how degrading it is, as long as it sounds good. I am all for free speech and support the right of rappers to say whatever they want but the fact that women will willingly listen to (and enjoy) some songs is like a Semite decorating his wall with Nazi hate propaganda because he or she thinks it looks cool.

Been here before.

2a. A postscript appendix to the section above. I am not a feminist. In a world where no two unsymmetrical groups can be equal I am all in favor of males being perceived as the dominant gender.

Take that, skirts.

3. To get our brains back in gear for the new semester, lets start with a little vocabulary lesson (blatantly stolen from the pages of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).
ba-nal: adj. … : lacking originality, freshness, or novelty : TRITE, see INSIPID.
ster-ile: adj. … : c. lacking in stimulating emotional or intellectual quality : LIFELESS.
ex-pur-gate: vt. … : to cleanse of something morally harmful, offensive, or erroneous; esp : to expunge objectionable parts from before publication or presentation.

Yep.

5.

Lost somewhere in the shifting sands of time.

Garage Days Revisited will be going on hiatus for a while. Check back next year, players.