Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Garage Days Revisited: 09/18/2002

I fogot how often the "paper" was "published" during this "era." For the most part, not bad. But then it comes crashing down at the end. Maybe it's just recent events casting a pall, but more likely it's just bad writing and a fundamental misunderstanding of Auburn's place in the college football world.

1. Someone, for the love of God, please delete minesweeper from my computer. This seemingly innocent little game has probably consumed more of my time over the last two semesters than all of my classes combined.

Seriously, please. Update: I still play minesweeper 20 - 25 times a day. My scores are pretty good, but it's a testament to my laziness and complacency that they aren't better.

2. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the improved deli. Usually, I believe everything I see on television, but I was always skeptical of those Quizno’s commercials trying to convince me that a light oven toasting could make my submarine sandwiches taste better. I always knew that questioning things was wrong, but this time the only punishment was having the delicious truth shoved down my throat on a 6-inch hoagie with a lukewarm layer of roast beef, salami, and Monterey jack.

Originally, it said "humping each other's legs." This is the second dig at the Elton B. Stephens Science Center. Learn your lesson, BSC administration: you can spend a billion dollars building them, but you can't stop me from tearing them down...WITH WORDS! I was thinking the other day about how awesome those spinach wraps were. Of the two ironic "think for yourself" comments, I really like "I always knew that questioning things was wrong..." Also too, phallic imagery! Durrrty.

3. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the icee machine. I mean, everyone, at one point in his or her life, has been eating some blue raspberries and been like “Wow, this is pretty good, but I really wish I could mash these into a liquid and squirt it into a cup full of finely crushed ice!” I’d like to think that the SGA had something to do with this, branching out from their usual schedule of figuring out where to put the next bench on campus.

I like the repetition at the beginning. The icee bit is stupid but I bring it all back together nicely with EAT IT, STUDENT GOVERNMENT ASSOCIATION! I stole the bench joke from the Juicebot, so really it's not that cool but BOOM MOTHERFUCKER! NOTHING IS SACRED!

4. Alright, enough is enough. Let’s stop [patting each other’s backs] about the new science center and recognize what the best addition to campus this year has to be: the newly renovated Bill and Lyndra Daniel Residence Hall (although it will always be North in our hearts). Aside from the apparent construction rule that you can only use extremely loud equipment before 8 o’clock in the morning, living in North is pretty sweet (no I’m not going to make that stupid pun that was made at least 16 times by everyone I know before I even moved into my suite). I have my own (reasonably large-ish) room, a big common room, separate toilet and shower rooms, and a thermostat I can adjust (for now). It really is cool, so if you haven’t seen it drop by a suite in the new Sigma Chi house…I mean North dorm.

I like the repetition at the beginning. However, I immensely regret bitching about construction noise. Also, the sweet/suite thing was handled the worst possible way. Either ignore it completely or embrace it wholeheartedly. I just came off as an idiot. That said, I bring it all back together at the end with IN YOUR FACE, SIGMA CHI! Seriously, why couldn't they get their house built on time? Also too, the paranoia was unwarranted. Until the day I moved out, I could adjust the thermostat.

5. Question: What do the Alabama Crimson Tide and England have in common? Answer: They’re both a fading power cowering behind prestigious histories. Just like those blimey wankers on the other side of the pond hide behind Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, and Led Zeppelin so does Big Al hide behind Bear Bryant, Joe Namath, and Jay Barker. Who really thinks Coach “Fran” could hold water against Bear Bryant? And don’t get me started on Tyler Watts. At least Watts’ high school receiver Bill Flowers had the sense to play for a program on the rise at Ole Miss. Don’t bring up your national championship in the 90’s either; Auburn’s had an undefeated one in the last decade too.
So basically ‘Bama sucks and War Damn Eagle.

One of the worst things ever. Ever. I hate every single word written here. I would pick apart every detail I regret about writing this, but my tears are already making it hard to see the screen. I did get some feedback from it, though. In the form of one Brent Pritchard. He agreed with the part about England and now I just feel bad for dragging England into all of this. Calling this "tripe" besmirches the good name of tripe.

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