Ranking the Southeastern Conference by mascot

Please be advised that I do not limit this list to just the guy in a suit on the sidelines, or just the name, but include the whole mascot experience. As such, the rankings are:

1. Florida Gators: The Gators hit most of the important mascot goals. It's immediately recognizable, tangible, and associated with Florida. The Gator mascot logo thing looks tight, and the gator mascot makes for that fun chomp motion. Alligators are vicious beasts, and that's good for a mascot. Florida lacks only an actual alligator (which they used to have) to make them the best mascot ever.

2. Arkansas Razorbacks: Like Florida, but less so. Razorbacks are associate with Arkansas, I guess. The kids' version is named "Pork Chop," which is adorable but I can imagine leads to some uncomfortable conversations. The inflatable Boss Hog is almost as stupid as that inflatable Nebraska Cornhusker. The "running hog" image is solid, and those hats are fun. Razorbacks are big and mean animals, which is a good fit for competitive athletics (particularly for football).

3. South Carolina Gamecocks: The costumed "Cocky" is an absolute turd of a stuffed animal, but actual Gamecocks are awesome, mean animals. Cockfighting is a reprehensible sport, so I suppose I'm endorsing roosters in general here. Also, that nickname comes from the Revolutionary War, which is a plus.

4. Tennessee Volunteers: Tennessee only gets up this high because of the originality factor and because I really like the live Smokey. The costumed smokey isn't particularly impressive, but neither is it particularly objectionable. "Volunteers" also gets points for having a clear connection to the state of Tennessee.

5. Vanderbilt Commodores: Commodores is a distinctive nickname, and it's clearly connected to Vanderbilt University. They are lower than Tennessee because Mr. Commodore is terrible. Old dudes are not intimidating, evenly if they're weirdly muscled.

6. (tie) Auburn Tigers and LSU Tigers: Normally, a generic name like "Tigers" would get these two lower, but a couple of things are in their favor. First, "Tigers" is such a commonly used mascot because tigers are awesome. Second, both teams have live mascots that are among the best in the country. Auburn's stuffed Aubie is way better than LSU's stuffed Mike the Tiger, who looks frightened or perhaps incontinent, but LSU has stronger thematic mascot unity, so call it a tie.

8. (tie) Georgia Bulldogs and Mississippi State Bulldogs: Like a lesser Auburn/LSU. Bulldogs are less vicious than Tigers, and it's an equally generic selection. Georgia's obsession with their mascot's lineage is rather pathetic and probably a telling indication of their own uncertainty and inner doubt.

10. Ole Miss Rebels: It's one thing to be silly redneck neoconfederates, it's another to be silly redneck neoconfederates without convictions. The Rebel Black Bear is just Smokey the Bear in gray. If they had picked Admiral Ackbar or this, Ole Miss would be much higher on this list.

11. Alabama Crimson Tide: At least it's original. But what is a Crimson Tide? Is it frightening? Is it a fungus I should be concerned about catching? How is it related to the silly stuffed elephant?

12. Kentucky Wildcats: Almost as generic as "Tigers," but with a boiled down, less impressive version. Also, their totally non-threatening, personality-free mascot costume was even more weakified to make a kids' version.