as the old saying goes: "use several bad fonts for your stupid score board"

 

spread sheet

 

*Star Track 6 bad guy Klingon voice * ah the game is a foot

 

*sniffles*

 

Tha Captain finally got his Christmas present

 

*CONTINUES SQUINTING, BECOMING VISIBLY AGITATED, ANGRY*

 

THE POWER FACTOR IS C+1.826 I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THERE BUT I HAVE A JOB I'M BUSY AND I'M NOT APOLOGIZING

*squints*

  

DOCTORS DONT WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT THESE 41 WEIRD PICKS

As an Alpha Male, I will not be explaining myself and most and first and importantly and foremost of all, I WILL NOT BE APOLOGIZING

MYRTLE BEACH: (32) Georgia Southern / Ohio

Walt, masculinely gnawing on a $4 cigar, "let's go georgia southern! I'm a big idiot!"

NEW ORLEANS: (8) UL-Lafayette / Jacksonville St.

If you asked 100 non-Alabamians where is "Jacksonville State University" I bet a bunch of them would spit in your face. It's in Alabama, they'd say through clenched teeth. Whar tha hell else would it be, they'd yammer. I'm not even from thar and *spits* ah reckon you ain't never killed a boar have ye?

CURE: (36) Appalachian St. / Miami (OH)

There's guys with signs and then there's THAT GUY with THAT SIGN.

NEW MEXICO: (24) New Mexico St. / Fresno St.

ahkhh

LA: (7) Boise St. / UCLA

It was called Boyse St. until Avril Lavigne dropped her hit song "Skater Boi." Then THE DARKENING happened and we all know where it went from there!

INDEPENDENCE: (9) Texas Tech / Cal of fornia

pew pew *blows smoke from fake pistol, several toddlers lie in pools of real blood*

FAMOUS TOASTERY WHAT THE HELL: (13) WKU / ODU

A mad lib where it's three questions and they're all "what is a letter" and at the end, boom, you have a university... *record scratch* that last one's gotta be "u" sis!

FRISCO: (38) UTSA / Marshall

UTSA would be a big favorite over the other members of the paw patrol too. 

BOCA RATON: (14) USF / Syracuse

USF would be a big favorite over the other city-states of ancient Sicily too.

GASPARILLA: (10) UCF / Georgia Tech

Gusparilla

BIRMINGHAM: (22) Troy / Duke

I thought they decided Troy vs Duke... *tries to figure out which duke was involved in the Iliad* 

CAMELLIA QUEEN OF THE BOWLS: (26) Arkansas St. / Northern Illinois

speaking of huskies *rocks back and forth, whistling, like 1923 mickey mouse*

ARMED FORCES: (27) Jim Madison / Air Force

air planes! vroom.

POTATO: (2) Utah St. / Georgia St.

*sunken eyes, a hollow and gaunt face*

MOBILE: (39) South Alabama / EMU

Joey Jones left BSC to coach South Alabama and I blame him for "The Muckup on The Hilltop"

LAS VEGAS: (37) Utah / Northwestern

Roll the dice and spin the wheel! These two teams came to PLAY!

HAWAII: (33) San Jose St. / Coastal Carolina

Sir, we're running out of carolinas to name bad football teams after, the secretary of states said to the president.

QUICK LANE: (23) Minnesota / Bowling Green

They should be called Bowling Orange/Brown. Thank you

FIRST RESPONDER: (15) Texas St. / Rice

First Responder? I hardly know her! 

GUARANTEED RATE: (35) Kansas / UNLV

The only guaranteed rate here is the rate I will be enjoying this game which is 4.

MILITARY: (4) Tulane / Virginia Tech

Tulane undergoing massive upgrades on campus. Pretty soon they're going to be Fourlane! Thank you

DUKE'S MAYO: (3) North Carolina / West Virginia

West Virginia should make a legitimate push for Virginia to call itself East Virginia.

HOLIDAY: (5) USC / Louisville

If this is a holiday, I'd rather be at work! Yeesh. 

TEXAS: (18) Oklahoma St. / TAMU

Everything's stupider in Texas.

FENWAY: (34) SMU / Boston College

Catholics vs Convicts

POP TART: (29) Kansas St. / NC St.

Pop Tarts: The Other White Meat

ALAMO: (20) Oklahoma / Arizona

You would think this would be easy. Two football teams. 

GATOR: (30) Clemson / Kentucky

Right? I mean, right? 

SUN: (25) Notre Dame / Oregon St.

Beavers, haha. That's rich.

LIBERTY: (16) Iowa St. / Memphis

Libearty. The bear.

COTTON: (21) Ohio St. / Mizzou

His name should be Eli Coachwitz. Unless he's a drinker. Then his name is fine. I don't care.

PEACH: (31) Penn St. / Old Mist

The guardians of The Old Ways (pedophilia and institutional racism).

MUSIC CITY: (1) Auburn / Maryland

There was reportedly an extended cut of the hell-orgy scene in Event Horizon but the footage was lost. No reason I'm talking about that here.

ORANGE: (41) Georgia / Florida St.

*draws in deep breath in preparation of explaining why Florida St. should be in the playoff* lol, lmao

ARIZONA: (12) Toledo / Wyoming

Holy Toledo!

RELIAQUEST: (17) LSU / Wisconsin

*Will Smith slaps Chris Rock* Take Reliaquest out of your mouth! Welcome to Earth!

CITRUS: (6) Iowa / Tennessee

I know it's supposed to be citrus, but this one seems like a lemon! In that my children will want to taste it and make performative faces about how "spicy" it is.

FIESTA: (40) Oregon / Liberty

This is for all the Tostitos! For Oregon that means Subarus and weird craft beers. For Liberty that means January 6th.  

ROSE: (19) Alabama / Michigan

See above, kinda.

*SOAD VOICE* SUGAR: (11) Texas / Washington

Alamo Bowl ass semifinal

man you know it's bowl picks time

Myrtle Beach Bowl

My pick: Ohio (10)

The archetypal Bowl Game. I thought Ohio's coach was named Tim Allen, but that's not correct. 

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

My pick: Jacksonville St. (4)

I am always going to pick teams from the state of Alabama. This state is going to go Undefeated in bowl season. RichRod is the coach at Jacksonville State, which is pretty funny. 

Cure Bowl

My pick: Appalachian St. (22)

pretty quotidian matchup imo

New Mexico Bowl

My pick: New Mexico State (2)

The seizure man. Old seizy. New Mexico State is not that good; even Auburn was competitive with them for a while.

LA Bowl

My pick: UCLA (3)

Boise State has been mired in controversy since the revelation that their mascot is an homage to former US President Bronco Bama, and I think that distraction will be the difference. 

Radiance Tech Independence Bowl 

My pick: Texas Tech (11)

Golden Bears, Red Raiders--is this a football game or a coloring book? Am I right, folks? 

Famous Toastery Bowl

My pick: Western Kentucky (18)

I'm sick and tired of constantly hearing about Toastery. Let off, you know?? 

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl 

My pick: UTSA (38)

Now UTSA, there's a team that feels good about itself. Also: That coffee gives me the scooters alright! 

RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl

My pick: Syracuse (17)

Every one of us is complicit in this and will stand before Heaven's Judgment Seat, each for our own greater or lesser part.

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl

My pick: UCF (30)

We <3 Gus

Birmingham Bowl

My pick: Troy (32)

Two interim coaches, right? It's a little weird to go from Troy to Tulane, from a football perspective, but not from an everything else perspective. 

Camellia Bowl 

My pick: NIU (8)

Turner the Burner, baby. Remember Butch Jones? He's back, in Pog form.  

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

My pick: James Madison (33)
I must register my opposition to having two military-themed bowl games (this one and the Orange Bowl)

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl 

My pick: Utah State (7)
Which state shall emerge victorious? 

68 Ventures Bowl 

My pick: South Alabama (40)

Man I love 68 Ventures, a thing I had definitely heard of. Remember when South Alabama blasted Oklahoma State? 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl 

My pick: Utah (37)

Northwestern, really overshooting their expectations for this season.

EasyPost Hawaii Bowl 

My pick: San Jose St. (6)

Easy posty, lemon toasty. Gray Son McCaw, the Crow King, will not be available for the Chanticleers. 

Quick Lane Bowl 

My pick: Minnesota (21)

I hate the internet now, trying to look up a preview for a bowl game and getting 6,000 variations of the same algorithm-written article telling me which team had more passing yards.

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl

My pick: Texas State (13)

Servius Proscipulus (usually rendered SERV PRO in inscriptions) was a Roman politician, general, and poet. Born into an Etruscan family of some prominence, Proscipulus spent most of his life seeking to match the military exploits of his more capable ancestors, usually with disastrous results. His refusal to accept the settlement of the Second Thranduil War led to his eventual expulsion from Italy, and he died in Marcos. Generally known today for his failures as a general and politician, during his lifetime Proscipulus was primarily known for his witty and self-referential poems, none of which survive. His acid wit was legendary; Marcus Cicero famously said that Proscipulus's humor was "crueler and more dangerous than any Bohemian tip," the Bohemian tribes at the time being famous for the sharpness of their half-moon arrowheads. 

Guaranteed Rate Bowl

My pick: Kansas (28) 

That guy at Kansas seems like a good coach.  

Military Bowl

My pick: Tulane (1)

Tulane is better than people think. As usual, an insult to the troops. 

Duke’s Mayo Bowl 

My pick: West Virginia (27)

What, was East Carolina not available???? Because they're playing North Carolina. And they're West Virginia. Directions, you know? Some state should be named "East" something. 

Holiday Bowl 

My pick: Louisville (25) 

They should play the Holiday Bowl in Cambodia. Jayden Daniels winning the Heisman has done something to overshadow it, but wasting a quarterback talent like Caleb Williams at a place like USC is really an astounding failure of coaching. 

TaxAct Texas Bowl

My pick: Texas A&M (20)
some campy carny bullcrap. hokey, honkey horse hockey.

Wasabi Fenway Bowl 

My pick: SMU (36) 

Futurama: Death by SMU SMU 

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl

My pick: Miami(FL) (34)

[Old timey investigator voice]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a consumer of Bad Boy Mowers?

Pop-Tarts Bowl

My pick: Kansas St. (31) 

lets watch the pop tart bowl

Valero Alamo Bowl 

My pick: Oklahoma (12)

I can't believe, after last year's farcical tragedy, that they're letting Tha Captain do the halftime show again for the Alamo Bowl. How many horses have to die before the authorities do something about this? 

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl 

My pick: Clempson (24)

It was a very improbable outcome that Kentucky beat Louisville, Louisville lost to FSU, and it still was a big deal that Kentucky beat Louisville. 

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl

My pick: Notre Dame (29)

Is Tony The Tiger Catholic 

AutoZone Libearty Bowl 

My pick: Iowa St. (23)
Matt Campbell is an odd-looking dude. If you just started from scratch and eliminated all tradition, prestige, etc, you would think Memphis would be pretty good, but they are most certainly not. 

Goodyear Cotton Bowl 

My pick: Ohio St. (35)

Ohio State is, you know, way better than Missouri, right?? Even with a back-up quarterback, I would think Ohio State would be better. The transfer portal etc is a more fair system, but it's also not as fun that every starting quarterback in America is apparently transferring. 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
My pickL Penn St. (39)

Old Mist is actually Not That Good against really good defenses. Auburn almost beat them, so they must be bad. 

TransPerfect Music City Bowl

My pick: Auburn (9)

Video of this game will be used at an arraignment one day. 

Capital One Orange Bowl 

My pick: Georgia (19)

I still think Georgia is going to win because of the sinfulness of human society, but I am not nearly as confident as the big line suggests. Georgia does not want to be there, and Florida State has a chance at a split title.

Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl

My pick: Toledo (16)

Oh, Barstool Sports, great. They're finally letting some more real dickheads into college football. 

ReliaQuest Bowl 

My pick: LSU (26)

Even if Jayden Daniels doesn't play, LSU is still better than Wisconsin, right?

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl 

My pick: Tennessee (15)

Tennessee hasn't looked strong against very good defenses, but Iowa hasn't had any offense. Cheez-Its are probably my favorite or at least most-eaten name-brand snack. I don't eat Pop Tarts or other such treats much any more because of the sugar. At least for me, potato chips are just potato chips, and the cheap Piggly Wiggly chips are just as good as the fancy ones, unless they're literally freshly cooked. Similar for almonds etc--just get the store brand! But Cheez-Its are Cheez-Its.  

VRBO Fiesta Bowl 

My pick: Oregon (41)

Beat The Libs

Rose Bowl

My pick: alabama (5)

Commitment to the bit versus what I actually think will happen has got them down this low.

Allstate Sugar Bowl

My pick: Texas (14) 

The playoff sucks. We should go back to the old bowl system. 

sweet moustache it's the 2023 bowl pick them

You (a fool): I believe in the tradition, the sanctity, of college football's bowl games.

Me (wise): lets watch the pop tart bowl

Myrtle Beach Bowl Georgia Southern -3.5 vs Ohio Dec. 16 10:00 am 

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl Jacksonville St. -3 vs Louisiana Dec. 16 1:15pm 

Cure Bowl Miami(Ohio) vs Appalachian St. -5.5 Dec. 16 2:30 pm

New Mexico Bowl New Mexico State -3 vs. Fresno State Dec. 16 4:45 pm 

LA Bowl UCLA -2 vs Boise St. Dec. 16 6:30 pm

Radiance Tech Independence Bowl California vs Texas Tech -3 Dec. 16 8:15 pm 

Famous Toastery Bowl Western Kentucky vs Old Dominion -2.5 Dec. 18 1:30 pm 

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl UTSA -10 vs Marshall Dec. 19 8:00 pm 

RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl USF vs Syracuse -3 Dec. 21 7:00 pm 

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl UCF -5 vs Georgia Tech Dec. 22 5:30 pm 

Birmingham Bowl Duke vs Troy -7.5 Dec. 23 11:00 am

Camellia Bowl Arkansas St vs NIU -1 Dec. 23 11:00 am 

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl James Madison -3 vs Air Force Dec. 23 2:30 pm 

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl Utah State -1 vs. Georgia State Dec. 23 2:30 pm 

68 Ventures Bowl South Alabama -16 vs Eastern Michigan Dec. 23 6:00 pm 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl Utah -7 vs Northwestern Dec. 23 6:30 pm 

EasyPost Hawaii Bowl Coastal Carolina vs San Jose St. -9.5 Dec. 23 9:30 pm 

Quick Lane Bowl Bowling Green vs Minnesota -4 Dec. 26 1:00 pm 

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl Texas State -4 vs Rice Dec. 26 4:30 pm 

Guaranteed Rate Bowl Kansas -12.5 vs UNLV Dec. 26 8:00 pm 

Military Bowl Virginia Tech -7.5 vs Tulane Dec. 27 1:00 pm 

Duke’s Mayo Bowl North Carolina vs West Virginia -3 Dec. 27 4:30 pm 

Holiday Bowl Louisville -8 vs USC Dec. 27 7:00 pm 

TaxAct Texas Bowl Texas A&M vs Oklahoma St -3. Dec. 27 8:00 pm 

Wasabi Fenway Bowl Boston College vs SMU -11.5 Dec. 28 10:00 am 

Bad Boy Mowers Pinstripe Bowl Rutgers vs Miami(FL) -2 Dec. 28 1:15 pm 

Pop-Tarts Bowl NC State vs Kansas St. -3 Dec. 28 4:45 pm 

Valero Alamo Bowl Arizona -3 vs Oklahoma Dec. 28 8:15 pm 

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl Clemson -7 vs Kentucky Dec. 29 11:00 am 

Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl Notre Dame -8 vs Oregon St. Dec. 29 1:00 pm 

AutoZone Liberty Bowl Memphis vs Iowa St. -8.5 Dec. 29 2:30 pm 

Goodyear Cotton Bowl Missouri -2.5 vs Ohio St. Dec. 29 7:00 pm 

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl Ole Miss vs Penn St. -3.5 Dec. 30 11:00 am 

TransPerfect Music City Bowl Auburn -2.5 vs Maryland Dec. 30 1:00 pm 

Capital One Orange Bowl Florida St vs Georgia -14 Dec. 30 3:00 pm 

Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl Toledo vs Wyoming -3 Dec. 30 3:30 pm

ReliaQuest Bowl Wisconsin vs LSU -10.5 Jan. 1 11:00 am 

Cheez-It Citrus Bowl Iowa vs Tennessee -8.5 Jan. 1 12:00 pm 

VRBO Fiesta Bowl Oregon -16 vs Liberty Jan. 1 12:00 pm 

Rose Bowl(Playoff) Michigan -1.5 vs Alabama Jan. 1 4:00 pm 

Allstate Sugar Bowl(Playoff) Washington vs Texas -4 Jan. 1 7:45 pm