As an Alpha Male, I will not be explaining myself and most and first and importantly and foremost of all, I WILL NOT BE APOLOGIZING
MYRTLE BEACH: (32) Georgia Southern / Ohio
Walt, masculinely gnawing on a $4 cigar, "let's go georgia southern! I'm a big idiot!"
NEW ORLEANS: (8) UL-Lafayette / Jacksonville St.
If you asked 100 non-Alabamians where is "Jacksonville State University" I bet a bunch of them would spit in your face. It's in Alabama, they'd say through clenched teeth. Whar tha hell else would it be, they'd yammer. I'm not even from thar and *spits* ah reckon you ain't never killed a boar have ye?
CURE: (36) Appalachian St. / Miami (OH)
There's guys with signs and then there's THAT GUY with THAT SIGN.
NEW MEXICO: (24) New Mexico St. / Fresno St.
ahkhh
LA: (7) Boise St. / UCLA
It was called Boyse St. until Avril Lavigne dropped her hit song "Skater Boi." Then THE DARKENING happened and we all know where it went from there!
INDEPENDENCE: (9) Texas Tech / Cal of fornia
pew pew *blows smoke from fake pistol, several toddlers lie in pools of real blood*
FAMOUS TOASTERY WHAT THE HELL: (13) WKU / ODU
A mad lib where it's three questions and they're all "what is a letter" and at the end, boom, you have a university... *record scratch* that last one's gotta be "u" sis!
FRISCO: (38) UTSA / Marshall
UTSA would be a big favorite over the other members of the paw patrol too.
BOCA RATON: (14) USF / Syracuse
USF would be a big favorite over the other city-states of ancient Sicily too.
GASPARILLA: (10) UCF / Georgia Tech
Gusparilla
BIRMINGHAM: (22) Troy / Duke
I thought they decided Troy vs Duke... *tries to figure out which duke was involved in the Iliad*
CAMELLIA QUEEN OF THE BOWLS: (26) Arkansas St. / Northern Illinois
speaking of huskies *rocks back and forth, whistling, like 1923 mickey mouse*
ARMED FORCES: (27) Jim Madison / Air Force
air planes! vroom.
POTATO: (2) Utah St. / Georgia St.
*sunken eyes, a hollow and gaunt face*
MOBILE: (39) South Alabama / EMU
Joey Jones left BSC to coach South Alabama and I blame him for "The Muckup on The Hilltop"
LAS VEGAS: (37) Utah / Northwestern
Roll the dice and spin the wheel! These two teams came to PLAY!
HAWAII: (33) San Jose St. / Coastal Carolina
Sir, we're running out of carolinas to name bad football teams after, the secretary of states said to the president.
QUICK LANE: (23) Minnesota / Bowling Green
They should be called Bowling Orange/Brown. Thank you
FIRST RESPONDER: (15) Texas St. / Rice
First Responder? I hardly know her!
GUARANTEED RATE: (35) Kansas / UNLV
The only guaranteed rate here is the rate I will be enjoying this game which is 4.
MILITARY: (4) Tulane / Virginia Tech
Tulane undergoing massive upgrades on campus. Pretty soon they're going to be Fourlane! Thank you
DUKE'S MAYO: (3) North Carolina / West Virginia
West Virginia should make a legitimate push for Virginia to call itself East Virginia.
HOLIDAY: (5) USC / Louisville
If this is a holiday, I'd rather be at work! Yeesh.
TEXAS: (18) Oklahoma St. / TAMU
Everything's stupider in Texas.
FENWAY: (34) SMU / Boston College
Catholics vs Convicts
POP TART: (29) Kansas St. / NC St.
Pop Tarts: The Other White Meat
ALAMO: (20) Oklahoma / Arizona
You would think this would be easy. Two football teams.
GATOR: (30) Clemson / Kentucky
Right? I mean, right?
SUN: (25) Notre Dame / Oregon St.
Beavers, haha. That's rich.
LIBERTY: (16) Iowa St. / Memphis
Libearty. The bear.
COTTON: (21) Ohio St. / Mizzou
His name should be Eli Coachwitz. Unless he's a drinker. Then his name is fine. I don't care.
PEACH: (31) Penn St. / Old Mist
The guardians of The Old Ways (pedophilia and institutional racism).
MUSIC CITY: (1) Auburn / Maryland
There was reportedly an extended cut of the hell-orgy scene in Event Horizon but the footage was lost. No reason I'm talking about that here.
ORANGE: (41) Georgia / Florida St.
*draws in deep breath in preparation of explaining why Florida St. should be in the playoff* lol, lmao
ARIZONA: (12) Toledo / Wyoming
Holy Toledo!
RELIAQUEST: (17) LSU / Wisconsin
*Will Smith slaps Chris Rock* Take Reliaquest out of your mouth! Welcome to Earth!
CITRUS: (6) Iowa / Tennessee
I know it's supposed to be citrus, but this one seems like a lemon! In that my children will want to taste it and make performative faces about how "spicy" it is.
FIESTA: (40) Oregon / Liberty
This is for all the Tostitos! For Oregon that means Subarus and weird craft beers. For Liberty that means January 6th.
ROSE: (19) Alabama / Michigan
See above, kinda.
*SOAD VOICE* SUGAR: (11) Texas / Washington
Alamo Bowl ass semifinal
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