pre dick shuns!

Everybody's doing it. By the way, I thought about putting links to the You Can't Spell EPIC FAIL posts, but I didn't. Fuck you.

1. Chelsea - I'm on the trolley again. They lost nobody and gained one wily Russian whose last name sounds like 'jerkoff.' I thought they would do it last year. They didn't. I'll probably be saying that same thing next year. Will this blog be around then? YES!

2. Manchester United - Topping the table four straight years would be xtrakrzy. Ronaldo was a dickweed but he was a brilliant dickweed who won countless games singlehandedly. Rooney isn't selfish enough to pick up the goalscoring slack and their midfield is apallingly mediocre.

3. Liverpool - Arbeloa out Glen Johnson in is an upgrade. Xabi Alonso out Alberto Aquilani in is not. If either Gerrard or Torres misses any significant time, they'll be lower than this. Thinner than my hair. And that is fuckin' thin.

4. Arsenal - More Russians. I'm convinced Andrei Arshavin is really, really good. Having him for the whole season will mean Arsenal will finish less than ten points back of the top three.

5. Everton - Con.Sis.Tent.

6. Manchester City - A real wild card. In the sense that everyone other than their fans wants to see them fail spectacularly but nobody really knows how good they will be. They've outspent everyone else and will likely be able to score shit tons of goals. However, your big defensive upgrade was Kolo Toure? Get outta here.

7. Aston Villa - No cockteasing this year. They flirted with the top four last year but ended up at home jerking off to facebook.

8. Tottenham Hotspur - They can't possibly start as bad as they did last year, can they? They can! But won't.

9. West Ham United - Proving that even if all your players kinda suck you can still field a pretty good team. I'm convinced that no player on their team has scored or ever will score a goal.

10. Fulham - See above.

11. Sunderland - See above above.

12. Wigan Athletic - See above above above.

13. Blackburn Rovers - See above above above above.

14. Birmingham City - Why am I so convinced that they will be the safest of the promoted teams? Birmingham pride, baby.

15. Bolton Wanderers - I actually grew to like them last year. Their new jerseys are grody croyle.

16. Stoke City - How are they still here? They'll hack their way to another season of safety.

17. Wolverhampton Wanderers - Good name, bad team.

18. Portsmouth - Financial worries. Relegation will not help that.

19. Hull City - If they're anywhere near as shitty as they were in the second half of last season, they'll be relegaed by mid march.

20. Burnley - I really, really want these cute little country guys to make it in the big city. I don't see how it could happen. They'll be lucky to have a merely bad season and not an epic Derby County 2008 style train derailment.