There are 39 bowl games in honor of the 39 white men who signed the U.S. Constitution.
BAHAMAS
(5) Buffalo v UNC-Charlotte
Turner Gill finally got the Bulls turned around.
FRISCO
(28) Utah St. v Kent St.
How often is it the case that all of Auburn's 1A non-con opponents make bowl games? It didn't happen the previous two years and that's as far back as the ncaa's records go.
NEW MEXICO
(17) San Diego St. v Central Michigan
A duel of relatively uncontroversial native american mascots. boring.
CURE
(29) Georgia Southern v Liberty
Ah good another chance for me to mention "Li-Bear-ty" the Beanie Baby.
BOCA RATON
(8) FAU v SMU
idk
CAMELLIA
(10) Arkansas St. v FIU
Ah yes it's "those teams are definitely in the same conference in my brain" time of year
LAS VEGAS
(16) Boise St. v Washington
Spin the wheel, roll the dice... and let the chips fall where they may.
NEW ORLEANS
(39) Appalachian St. v UAB
That guy with the wooden App St. sign. Do you think he made it or do you think he found it in the toilet?
GASPARILLA
(32) UCF v Marshall
It should be easy to think of something to say about a football game but it sometimes it isn't.
HAWAII
(4) Hawaii v BYU
Look out! It's the Hawaii Bowl!
INDEPENDENCE
(22) Miami (Fl) v La Tech
Remember when the ACC expanded and everybody (me) thought that the ACCCGpbDr.P would be Florida St. vs Miami every year and then that hasn't even happened once? Both teams have played in the Independence Bowl more times than they've played each other for the ACC title.
QUICK LANE
(31) Pitt v EMU
There was a comic book guy named "Pitt." From wikipedia: "Pitt is a human/alien hybrid, created by an alien race known as the Creed, genetically engineered to serve as a killing machine. He appears more alien than human, with red pupil-less eyes, gray skin, absence of a nose, sharp oversized teeth and large talons." There's no punchline here, I'm not going to say something like "oh i'm sorry that was the wikipedia article on MY MOTHER IN LAW" or something like that. I'm also not going to say anything about how EMU is the word Emu. Let's just move on.
MILITARY
(12) Temple v North Carolina
Temple is so named because it was started in the basement of a Baptist temple. That's so stupid. The first classes were tutoring sessions for working-class citizens and were taught late at night. This is why their mascot is the Owl. That's less stupid i guess but it's not cool. gtfoh temple.
PINSTRIPE
(27) Michigan St. v Wake Forest
"Wow, Michigan St vs Wake Forest," he said, failing miserably to feign any interest.
TEXAS
(11) Oklahoma St. v TAMU
Let's circle this back to the 39 white dudes who signed the Constitution. 5 Williams, 4 Johns, 3 each of George and James. It's weird that a guy named Jared was there.
HOLIDAY
(23) USC v Iowa
Thinking of how in 2002 Iowa had "Brad Banks" yet in 2008 the whole country had "bad banks."
CHEEZ-IT
(1) Washington St. v Air Force
Washington St. throws the ball so much it is they who should be called Air Force. Copyright Tha Captain.
COTTON
(35) Penn St. v Memphis
A guy named Jared signed the Constitution. Still weird.
CAMPING WORLD
(33) Notre Dame v Iowa St.
Man, f*ck camping.
PEACH
(30) LSU v Oklahoma
I am not really 30 confident but the line is so large I had to inflate the number a little bit.
FIESTA
(3) Clemson v Ohio St.
Has anybody said that the cfb playoffs are like taco bell menu items where it's the same 6 or 7 ingredients combined 4 at a time in different formats and also most of the ingredients came from the toilet
1ST RESPONDER
(18) WKU v WMU
wtf
REDBOX
(19) Cal v Illinois
Illinois ruined their uniforms and I will never forgive them.
MUSIC CITY
(15) Louisville v Mississippi St.
Petrinoball.
ORANGE
(36) Florida v Virginia
"Hello, it's me Jared and I'm here to sign the Constitution." Messed up.
BELK
(25) Va Tech v Kentucky
Gotta think that Budsworth "Bud" Foster can figure out how to stop a team literally without a quarterback in literally his last game as a coach.
SUN
(7) Florida St. v Arizona St.
They should also have a moon bowl and play it at night.
LIBERTY
(6) Kansas St. v Navy
Thinking of course of dear "Li-bear-ty" the very famous Beanie Baby.
ARIZONA
(21) Wyoming v Georgia St.
It's the kind of game that makes you think "foot ball."
ALAMO
(14) Texas v Utah
I don't have to explain this to you or to anybody else. I will not be held responsible for it.
CITRUS
(38) Alabama v Michigan
Making a "rage face" thinking about this game.
OUTBACK
(9) Minnesota v Auburn
Cheering for whichever team is "Team Bloomin' Onion" because putting coconut on it is a petty and insensitive thing to do to a shrimp.
ROSE
(26) Wisconsin v Oregon
What a clash of styles. Wisconsin wears red whereas Oregon wears green.
SUGAR
(34) Georgia v Baylor
See above.
BIRMINGHAM
(20) Cincinnati v Boston College
Don't forget to check out the McWane Center, boys!
GATOR
(24) Tennessee v Indiana
Always Bet On Orange
POTATO
(13) Nevada v Ohio
Imagine how different our lives would be if we had sat on the Ohio side instead of the App. St. side. Imagine how different their little wooden sign would be.
ARMED FORCES
(2) Tulane v Southern Mist
What does the Venn Diagram of "Armed Forces" and "Military" look like?
MOBILE
(37) UL-Lafayette v Miami (OH)
I regret to inform you that we have to wait until January 6th to see UL-Lafayette play Miami of Ohio in Mobile, Alabama.
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