Thursday, August 29, 2019
It's real week one week one week one week one week one
I'm very excited to start the season and lose to Tha Cap'n again.
Texas St. (+33.5) big line
Toledo (+11.5) Actual football analysis for this one: Kentucky working out the kinks with a new-look offense to start the year. Guaranteed to be one of the games I miss.
Memphis (-5.5) Memphis might be my non-major team to keep up with this year. They just seem like a good pick.
Mississippi St. (-21) why not?
Duke (+34.5) dumb
South Carolina (-7.5) more like .... more like .... more like musCHUMP, am I right?
Tennessee (-26) Regretting this pick already. I do enjoy the idea of someone that's a huge Georgia State and Tennessee fan (growing up in Sandy Plains, Georgia, they went to GAST for undergrad and Tennessee for graduate school at the Haslam College of Business) just absolutely frothing at the mouth for this one and losing a mortgage payment when a kicker misses a field goal because he's hung over and worried he got a venereal disease the night before.
Georgia (-20.5) dumb. Too many schools named Georgia this week.
LSU (-28) If they can't cover for a bird poop cocaine quarterback controversy, GASOU can't cover against LSU.
Auburn (-3.5) I YEEHAWIN' BELIEVE that Auburn will lose five games this year, but not Oregon
Missouri (-17.5) Missouri cleaning up the crucial Wyoming recruiting grounds.
Texas St. (+33.5) big line
Toledo (+11.5) Actual football analysis for this one: Kentucky working out the kinks with a new-look offense to start the year. Guaranteed to be one of the games I miss.
Memphis (-5.5) Memphis might be my non-major team to keep up with this year. They just seem like a good pick.
Mississippi St. (-21) why not?
Duke (+34.5) dumb
South Carolina (-7.5) more like .... more like .... more like musCHUMP, am I right?
Tennessee (-26) Regretting this pick already. I do enjoy the idea of someone that's a huge Georgia State and Tennessee fan (growing up in Sandy Plains, Georgia, they went to GAST for undergrad and Tennessee for graduate school at the Haslam College of Business) just absolutely frothing at the mouth for this one and losing a mortgage payment when a kicker misses a field goal because he's hung over and worried he got a venereal disease the night before.
Georgia (-20.5) dumb. Too many schools named Georgia this week.
LSU (-28) If they can't cover for a bird poop cocaine quarterback controversy, GASOU can't cover against LSU.
Auburn (-3.5) I YEEHAWIN' BELIEVE that Auburn will lose five games this year, but not Oregon
Missouri (-17.5) Missouri cleaning up the crucial Wyoming recruiting grounds.
***
A NICE BOOKIE ALERT
***
Bankroll: $NINE NINE NINE
$55 to win $50 on Alabama-Duke going over 56.5 points seems probable to me. Alabama just lost their best defensive player, and that line seems kind of low anyway.
$300 to win $2 for Alabama to beat Duke. That seems like a good bet.
$9 to win $100 on Vanderbilt to beat Georgia seems, contrariwise, like a worthwhile risk.
A Captain Makes Some Picks: Week One
Just like breakfast is the most important of the thirteen meals I eat every day, Week One is absolutely vital. The person leading after Week One has never lost in the grand and storied history of this great competish. So lets get at it, eh.
Hey, does anybody need to raise or lower boats, ships, or other watercraft between stretches of water at different levels on rivers or canals because here are some LOCKS:
Texas St. +33.5 Do you believe in miracles?
Kentucky -11.5 Kroger Field. It's called Kroger Field.
Old Mist +5.5 Old Mist was 2-9 ATS last season. I can feel my brain smoothening.
Mississippi St. -21 Not liking this anymore.
Duke +34.5 I'm sorry it's just so many points.
North Carolina +7.5 Almost made a bet on UNC to win. But I'm too scared!
Tennessee -26 The only "Ten I See" is the number of points by which Tennessee will actually win, damning me to the depths of despair.
Georgia -20.5 I actually think Georgia will win by exactly 20.5 points.
Georgia Southern +28 LSU always has a screw around game where they practice being useless. This assures that when they play Alabama, they will have perfected it.
Oregon +3.5 Duh.
Wyoming +17.5 In my warped perception of football reality, Missouri always starts the season slowly then gets going later. Is this true? I don't know. I don't know if such a statement can be true. What is truth? What are birds?
A humble wager: $1,000.31 on Georgia straight up at -1375. I stand to win $72.75. I hope I lose and I'm just playing with cents for the rest of the season.
Hey, does anybody need to raise or lower boats, ships, or other watercraft between stretches of water at different levels on rivers or canals because here are some LOCKS:
Texas St. +33.5 Do you believe in miracles?
Kentucky -11.5 Kroger Field. It's called Kroger Field.
Old Mist +5.5 Old Mist was 2-9 ATS last season. I can feel my brain smoothening.
Mississippi St. -21 Not liking this anymore.
Duke +34.5 I'm sorry it's just so many points.
North Carolina +7.5 Almost made a bet on UNC to win. But I'm too scared!
Tennessee -26 The only "Ten I See" is the number of points by which Tennessee will actually win, damning me to the depths of despair.
Georgia -20.5 I actually think Georgia will win by exactly 20.5 points.
Georgia Southern +28 LSU always has a screw around game where they practice being useless. This assures that when they play Alabama, they will have perfected it.
Oregon +3.5 Duh.
Wyoming +17.5 In my warped perception of football reality, Missouri always starts the season slowly then gets going later. Is this true? I don't know. I don't know if such a statement can be true. What is truth? What are birds?
A humble wager: $1,000.31 on Georgia straight up at -1375. I stand to win $72.75. I hope I lose and I'm just playing with cents for the rest of the season.
Monday, August 26, 2019
Extremely Week and Incredibly One: Lines
Flyin' out of the gates.
Cheeze: 0-1
Wheeze: 0-1
Now, feast your eyes on these:
Texas St. @ Texas A&M (-33.5)
Toledo @ Kentucky (-11.5)
Old Mist @ Memphis (-5.5)
Mississippi St. (-21) vs UL-Lafayette [at the SuperDome for some reason]
Duke vs Alabama (-34.5) [at the Atlanta ButtholeDome]
South Carolina (-7.5) vs North Carolina [at the CharlotteDome]
Georgia St. @ Tennessee (-26) [at Tennessee's normal stadium like a normal game]
Georgia (-20.5) @ Vanderbilt
Georgia Southern @ LSU (-28)
Oregon vs Auburn (-3.5) [CowboyDome yeehaw]
Missouri (-17.5) @ Wyoming
The World's Nicest Bookie:
Big C: $999.00
Lil Dubs: $1,001.00
In your face!
Cheeze: 0-1
Wheeze: 0-1
Now, feast your eyes on these:
Texas St. @ Texas A&M (-33.5)
Toledo @ Kentucky (-11.5)
Old Mist @ Memphis (-5.5)
Mississippi St. (-21) vs UL-Lafayette [at the SuperDome for some reason]
Duke vs Alabama (-34.5) [at the Atlanta ButtholeDome]
South Carolina (-7.5) vs North Carolina [at the CharlotteDome]
Georgia St. @ Tennessee (-26) [at Tennessee's normal stadium like a normal game]
Georgia (-20.5) @ Vanderbilt
Georgia Southern @ LSU (-28)
Oregon vs Auburn (-3.5) [CowboyDome yeehaw]
Missouri (-17.5) @ Wyoming
The World's Nicest Bookie:
Big C: $999.00
Lil Dubs: $1,001.00
In your face!
Thursday, August 22, 2019
Week zero was invented by ancient Indian mathmeticians, but Mesoamericans probably also discovered it
IT'S BACK BABY. Very exciting. I cannot remember how I did stuff.
Florida (-7.5) My favorite football game I ever attended was the 2001 Florida-Auburn game, in which a mediocre Auburn team started the Tommy Tuberville special of taking bad Auburn teams and beating much better ones, especially Florida. At halftime, my dad and I sat down and decided that Auburn having a halftime lead was enough for us to be happy with the outcome of the game, no matter what happened. Prince Damon's game-winning field goal! Look at this awful CFL photo:
The Nice Bookie:
With a storm a-brewing, I'll bet $11 on the game to go under 47, and $11 on Florida to cover the 7.5. If I win both, I get $20! If I'm half right, I get -$1! What a foolish decision.
Why settle for a Week Zero when you could get with a Weak Zero (me)
Focusing all of my energy on this one pick.
Florida -7.5 It won't be close but it won't be a blowout. It will just be terrible to watch.
Why not, huh? Let's get the bills slingin!
I will just this once repeat myself: I expect this game to be terrible. Gimme $1.10 on Under 47.5 points at -110. I stand to win one crisp dollar.
Florida -7.5 It won't be close but it won't be a blowout. It will just be terrible to watch.
Why not, huh? Let's get the bills slingin!
I will just this once repeat myself: I expect this game to be terrible. Gimme $1.10 on Under 47.5 points at -110. I stand to win one crisp dollar.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
welcome back football, you awful, spiteful abomination
I won last year, let's all remember that. I am remembering it right now. Before that, you won twice! We can both puff out our chests proudly. I'm puffing my chest right now.
2016
Chark Week: 50-45-2
Wes Weak: 44-51-2
2017
Charles de Gaulle: 49-46-3
Wes the Bald: 45-50-3
2018
Charlie Hustle: 48-48-0, $299.70
Wesley Mussel: 52-44-0, $1,326.95
But enough about the past. History is stupid.
The rules this year are the same, I guess. We pick all non-1AA SEC games against the spread. We each start with $1,000 (real dollars this year, not) and we each have to wager 25% of our current bankroll each week (excluding week 0). You can get the odds from any remotely reputable sportsbook. Picks should be in Thursdays at 5 pm.
Week 0 (zero):
Miami (Florida) vs Florida (Florida) (-7.5) @ Orlando (Florida)
You're free to wager your fake money this week but you don't have to. The Nice Bookie won't make you.
Let the games begin!
2016
Chark Week: 50-45-2
Wes Weak: 44-51-2
2017
Charles de Gaulle: 49-46-3
Wes the Bald: 45-50-3
2018
Charlie Hustle: 48-48-0, $299.70
Wesley Mussel: 52-44-0, $1,326.95
But enough about the past. History is stupid.
The rules this year are the same, I guess. We pick all non-1AA SEC games against the spread. We each start with $1,000 (real dollars this year, not) and we each have to wager 25% of our current bankroll each week (excluding week 0). You can get the odds from any remotely reputable sportsbook. Picks should be in Thursdays at 5 pm.
Week 0 (zero):
Miami (Florida) vs Florida (Florida) (-7.5) @ Orlando (Florida)
You're free to wager your fake money this week but you don't have to. The Nice Bookie won't make you.
Let the games begin!
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Tuesday, August 06, 2019
health is a skill
Prior to his success toting the rock on the gridiron, Kenny's passion in his formative years was cascading through the skies in a hot air balloon with his father, Gerald. Kenny became the youngest balloon pilot in New Jersey history to complete a transcontinental voyage in 1992, when at the age of 9 he trekked alone from his home state to Palo-alto California, isolated in the basket of his airborne vehicle he named "Tabitha." Kenny eventually drifted away from his passion of skyward transportation at the age of 13 when he broke the Garden State Pop Warner league record for single season rush yards with 6,969 in his final campaign before wreaking havoc in the high school ranks.Kenny Irons, accessed August 6, 2019
Friday, August 02, 2019
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)