You can't spell EPIC FAIL without the EPL: Newcastle United

Location: Newcastle-upon-Tyne, northeast England.

Nickname: The Magpies (like the bird!) or Toon (like a weird way to pronounce 'town.')

Stately, Non-Commercial Stadium Name: St. James' Park.

Crest: MER-HORSES. I don't know what else I can say.

Season So Far: Not very epic. Pretty fail. Their defense is horrible and if it weren't for good goalkeeping (and they for some reason decided to sell him during January) they would be even worse off. As it is, they're cravat deep in the relegation meat pie.

General vibe to a casual American fan: Tottenham North. Let's call them the Clemson of the premier league.